Feel the rain on your skin, no one else can feel it for you--only you can let it in

 New week, new month, new...no...not a new me.  Same old me.  Slightly reformed, definitely upgraded, but somewhere inside I am still me.  So many revelations in the last 4 days since March began.  Sometimes the thoughts race through my head so quickly I cannot even grasp them.  Something seems SO significant, yet when I go to write it down or even run it by someone I can't remember what was so important that I felt it HAD to be an epiphany.  Even as I sit here at my keyboard ready to spew out some profound realization my mind is racing.  So---here goes, not sure it will make any sense or if it will actually be read by anyone other than me, but I'll take a shot!

I have had the same meditation practice in the morning for nearly a year.  I have rotated devotionals and different forms of "manifestation"(I despise that word at the moment) and gratitude (love that word always!).  Lately it is leaving me flat.  I am finding that it feels more like a chore than the uplifting, spiritual connection I am looking for to start my day.  Ok, so switch it up right?  Yeah...ummm.that's a bit of an issue for several reasons.  1.  I cannot focus my brain on anything currently to even attempt to find something else to try.  2.  I am a quitter.  That's right, you read it right---I QUIT.  My mother used to call me lazy and a slob. It is one of those labels I have never been able to shake.  Even as I type it I feel the shame and tears creep up as if I am still that 13 year old girl who did not even understand it fully.  My mother was a machine.  She never stopped, never rested, never took a break.  My childhood home was spotless at any moment on any given day you could eat off the floors.  I felt like I lacked that gene, and as I became an adult I realized.....no...I resented it.  I resented that cleaning always took priority over everything else.  Mom, can we do xyz?  We'll see, after I finish vacuuming/dusting/laundry fill in the blank.  My mother felt that was her way of being valued/worthy/contributing.  It's a long story and I understand why now but remember I was a kid!  Stay with me.   I think this is going somewhere.

Ok, so when I became a mom I refused to let anything take priority over my kids.  My home was never dirty, but it was lived in.  I homeschooled and my kids always had a playroom and I refused to make them clean up the latest episode of Power Rangers or "Dirt" Men/Heros or Barbie's latest adventure at the end of the day because I knew the next day that play would continue and I would never mess with their creativity just for aesthetics.  Those days are long gone and I knew they would go fast.  My kids are all very neat and clean and orderly so it did not make them "slobs", it encouraged their creativity.  And they were always allowed to change their minds without negative feedback.  Which brings me back to me being a "quitter".  I have such a hard time when I realize something isn't working for me anymore - whether it be a journal, a book, a movie, a relationship, clothing---- you name it.  I always question - am I being lazy?  Am I not giving it enough effort?  Is it just a mood?  59 years old and I still need permission from that 13 year old girl to move on!

This morning my daughter and I were having our morning "debrief" as we have begun to call it.  And we were discussing this issue.  We have both started doing "The Magic" by Rhonda Byrnes.  We are on day 17 and it required a print out.  I printed 2 and I went to give her one. Well my incredible daughter said "Ma, that's not working for me anymore - I am just gonna stop doing it."  I squirmed in my seat, holding my coffee mug between both hands, "Um well I think I need to find something to replace it, I just..I mean I am ..."  "Tina Marie!" she exclaimed "No!  You are allowed to take a break!  Give me all those self help/spiritual books.  I think you've done enough work on yourself!  It's OK to just BE!"   She's so wise----no clue where she got that from.(kidding - I know I did an incredible job on her -I gave her permission to be who she is without labels.😇). Jeez, I am getting all misty and again my thoughts are all over the place.  Ok...where was I ....oh that's right....How to know when it's ok to quit/change your mind/ move on to something else.

When is it ok to give yourself permission to give up?  To say this is not working anymore I will no longer do this.  Does everyone have an issue with this or is it just me?  Yesterday I was watching some of my favorite trash/reality TV and a mother and daughter were speaking to a therapist and the mom said well I don't let things really bother me.  And slowly it came out that she took things that hurt her and put them away for a better time to address it...and eventually they all got shoved in a closet and were never dealt with.  And she came to the realization that eventually she stopped feeling---stopped feeling disappointment, hurt, sadness....hmmmm damn it.  I felt the tears flowing down my face.  Shit.   I thought all along I was growing and healing and look at me!  Nothing hurts anymore - I am bulletproof.  I am so easy going - look at me taking it all in stride.  I am a machine.......oh...where have I heard that before.  If we do not admit the mistakes we have made we are destined to repeat them.  I have protected my heart so much that I didn't even realize how much things hurt.  So....I pulled out my trusty journal and out it all came.  I am not a cold bitch after all.  I have just had too much hurt and disappointment and unrequited love and devotion for this lifetime.  That is why I keep people at arms length.  Not because I don't care, but because I care too much and it is rarely reciprocated (hence the self help books---there MUST be something wrong with me because no one really truly cares about me long term).  Well no amount of self-healing/work will change that so guess what?  I quit.  I am keeping this version of me and if I am the only one who accepts her then so be it.  I worked really hard on her. 

 I am grateful for any of you who actually got through this maze of thoughts (welcome to my brain lately-scary place).  There is another book inside me somewhere and I need to figure out what it is because I have been really needing a creative outlet.  Reading/doing "The Magic" has made me realize that maybe not everyone is grateful everyday....maybe people don't thank people for the little things --- maybe I am a "Wacko" (as my dad so kindly labeled me for many years)...so be it.  I will continue to try to shine a light when I can and not hide in the shadows when I can't.  I am ready to find that new morning routine that lights me up again and I won't stop until I find it....because it's not quitting, it is just a day in the life!