Sending Forget Me Nots-Help me to Remember

 

This morning during my morning meditation I had my hand on my heart and felt my heartbeat strongly.  There was a time not too long ago that I did not feel my heartbeat no matter how hard I tried.  Not sure why, I will not even attempt to understand why.  While feeling that steady beat I was instantly transported to when I heard each one of my children's heartbeats for the first time.  The tears started to flow.  As a mother, that is one of the most memorable times in pregnancy.  I was never anxious or nervous when I was pregnant - as always I knew God would allow me to have a healthy baby.  I haven't thought about that moment in at least 20 years.  I was brought back to those often cold exam rooms and I felt the joy and wonder of each one of their heartbeats.  I think I cried every single time I had an appointment and I heard that heartbeat.  My cousin had her third child this month and she told me she had forgotten how difficult C-Section recovery was - especially with 2 other little ones at home.  I told her that is how God gets us to have more children - we forget what we have to go through to get there!  Because it is always worth it in the end.  It made me think about how many other things we get amnesia about in order to put ourselves through it again.

Moving--- every single time I move (and I have moved over a dozen times in my lifetime) I have convenient amnesia about what a pain in the ass it is.  Yet moving day comes and I cringe and no matter how hard I worked and how much I prepared that last minute stuff keeps coming out of every crevice.  And each time I swear - never again!  But the alternative is staying in a place where I no longer want to be or belong.  Not acceptable, soooo we put ourselves through it again.

Career/Job Changes - we are so convinced that the place we are in is so awful we must look for another job.  Or maybe it's financially - we need a raise and we are not getting it where we are.  We are so optimistic and excited about the possibility of change that we forget how awful the interview process is.  And then when we do get the new position and have that first day - oh my!  We forget how to uncomfortable it is to not know what the hell you are doing and trying to navigate new office relationships and procedures and that it takes close to a month before you start feeling at ease, and ew what if we made a mistake and this place is worse than the last?  If we remembered all of those things it might have stopped us from doing what was needed and moving to a new workplace.

Love - giving your heart to another person.  Would any of us ever do this if we remembered how deeply the last one hurt?  How much pain you can endure when you give your heart to someone and it gets broken?  We would never give our heart again.  So conveniently, we allow ourselves to hope and believe that this time will be different.  And eventually, it is - we find that person who is worth any amount of heartbreak in the past or difficulty now or in the future. Although no relationship is perfect, we find one that is the best we have ever had and we stay.  We never would find that if we had the memories of past heartbreak at the forefront of our minds.

So, the goal in most things in life is to not look back?  I disagree with that.  If we don't remember the past we are doomed to repeat it.  We need to grow from the past and then move on from it.  I can confidently say that I do not really even recognize my former self, however in some situations I remember her and I thank her for paving the way for the current version of me.  As much as she is different she is still a part of me.  Sometimes the best parts.  Selective amnesia, although is necessary sometimes to encourage us to make difficult choices.  My meditation today was about embracing the present and facing the future with eyes and heart wide open.  After all, that past is gone, we don't live there anymore.  The future is what we decide to make it.  And today?  Well....today is just a day in the life.