Replay---in the worst way!

My son had Lymphoma in 2009.  He was only 10, he's 15 now.  A while ago he had a routine Echocardiogram that showed that his function went down since last year.  It was still within the normal range, but decreased.  His oncologist wanted to err on the side of caution and send him to a cardiologist.  I had been a nervous wreck since l I made the appointment.  I KNEW in my gut nothing was wrong, but it just brings up all of the horrible emotions of when he was sick.  It also makes me so incredibly angry that he has to deal with this for the rest of his life.  I'm writing a book about his story, our story, about how that awful disease affected our lives and how it felt and how our faith got us through it.  Today will be the last chapter of that book.  My son is so brave.  He's so strong and such a positive spirit.  I didn't let on how concerned I was, I acted very matter of factly about the whole thing.  I cried my eyes out to my mother last week to the point of not being able to breathe.  I spoke to my brother last night for 2 hours and cried again.  I spent the entire day Monday on the couch crying just having a pity party.  Well, this morning we got stuck in traffic and arrived 13 minutes late.  I tried to call the office and it was closed until 8 a.m. it was now 8:13 am.  She gives me the whole, "I'll have to see if the Dr. can see you you're 1/2 hour late"  I'm like ummmm his appt is at 8:30 and check in was at 8---we're 13 minutes late not 1/2 hour!  She goes, "Well we round up to the 1/2 hour here"  Really bitch?  REALLY?  You just make up times?  There was NO ONE in the waiting area, like get a life.  I smirked at her and spat out--I'm SURE you'll find the time!  Luckily the nurse was really funny and took us in and made us laugh.  My nerves were on the outside of my body I wanted to throw up!  

Ok, so the Dr. comes in and he's 98 years old if he's a day, I swear.  He looks confused as to why we were there.  Then after a thorough explanation (of which I understood very little lol) he said my boys heart was fine and made an appointment for next year for another echo just to be safe.  I LOST IT!  I began sobbing in relief as soon as he left the room.  My son was comforting ME--way to go mom, how about the giant loser award for me :(  In the car on the way home he said to me "Don't be upset mom, I'm glad I have to deal with this for the rest of my life.  It makes me a stronger person and makes me appreciate things more."  SERIOUSLY?  Is he AMAZING or what?  I raised that boy :)  and I am one proud mama!!!!

It's just a day in the life xoxox

That was an entry in my old blog from last year.....this year, in this moment I am watching my mother fight the same disease my son has beaten.  I am reading chemo side effects and making lists of questions to ask the oncologist.  I can't stop crying.  It's too raw---it's too familiar---it's too much!!!  As I sat in the radiologist's waiting room this morning I watched people come and go---they all greeted each other like old friends.  I guess that's what happens when you have the same appointment time for 5 weeks straight.  I listened to them chat, I watched their faces and I thought---it's funny, these people are battling for their lives and they are kinder and more positive then the people in the grocery store!  Cancer changes you.  I also noticed that cancer does not discriminate----there were Caucasians, Latinos and African Americans.  They were aged from 20s-80s and they were male and female.  Cancer just destroys it doesn't care who is in it's path.  I watch men tenderly care for their wives as they become to frail to care for themselves---I see people who are walking this path alone and others that have friends with them.  It is sickening to me and I want to run ---again.  Facing this disease again is too much for me.  It's difficult to watch my dad work so hard to care for my mom and meet her every need.  It's crushing to watch my mother, my beautiful mother cover her balding head with a hat and not be able to move her neck because of the tumor that resides there.  I met with her Oncologist today armed with a list of questions that I had---questions that I didn't like the answers to.  Questions that I didn't want to ask.  It's difficult because, ultimately the decisions don't rest with me---with my son I had control of the choices.....I again had to hide in the car to call my sister and avoid changing my facial expression so no one could see what I was thinking/feeling.  So I cried....and I pray.  I will pray without ceasing.  Not just for my mother but for all the people I saw today battling the dreaded disease.  And when my son steps off the plane tonight (traveling alone for the first time) to meet me in Florida to support his Yaya I will hug him desperately and thank God for saving him...Thank God for all the blessings and ask him to give us just one more miracle.  

Please check out my book---Beyond the Immediate---the story of my son's battle with cancer and how it changed our lives in a positive way. 

  Beyond the Immediate

What Other people think of you is none of your business.....

I have very few people that I consider close to me.  That's by choice.  I have a lot of people who think they know the real me and think they know me well.  They would be mistaken!  Those who are close to me know everything about me, I don't hold back, I don't hide anything I don't censor myself.  They know who they are.  As for everyone else?  It's on a need to know basis.  Weird, though because now I'm sharing my innermost, deepest thoughts and feelings with whoever happens to find my blog.  That's ok.  What other people think of me is none of my business!

For most of my life I was concerned with people's perception of me.  I had a voice in my head (usually my parents) that told me what was acceptable, what I should do, how I should feel....based on those rules of society and what other people thought was right.  Being married to my ex husband for 23 years and dealing with his family (who never approved or liked me no matter WHAT I did)  really messed with my head for most of my adult life.  I was used to having people around me that liked me, who thought I was pretty great.  Not them....I was Satan in their eyes.  Everything I did or said or felt was somehow wrong and didn't fit into the mold they wanted me to fit into.  I used to get physically sick (yes, throwing up!) before a family event because I would feel so awful and sad being around them. Then, I had my son.  My whole life changed after I became a mom.  I didn't allow anyone's feelings to influence what I thought was best for him.  "Oh, all he wants is you!"   "You're gonna make him a mama's boy!"   "Why won't he go to anyone else?"  "It's not healthy."  and my all time favorite "Let him cry, it will strengthen his lungs."  What the HELL, did they even hear themselves???  I didn't listen to any of it....well that's a lie, I listened and still did what I thought was best, but I used to let it eat away at me.  Oh they don't approve, oh they're talking about me behind my back, they think I'm a bad mom....It upset me, but I didn't allow it to change my actions.  As time went on I let it affect me less and less.  By the time my daughter was born nearly 10 years later I was immune to their insults and their disapproval.  Then I moved across the country and I never had to deal with it again.  I credit my in laws for helping me become the person I am today.  The me who does what I feel is right and doesn't justify it to anyone else.  I like her way better than the 20 something year old girl throwing up and crying before going to a party.

The reason I chose this topic to write about today is because I've come to realize that the people around me that are unhappy or frustrated or sad are all allowing those beliefs to take up occupancy and control in their lives.  It's so hard to allow all the good things to flow into your life when your thoughts are full of shoulds and coulds and don'ts.  I used to make myself crazy with guilt or lists going through my head whenever I would sit down to relax, or read or just ENJOY life.  "Oh, I should be doing dishes, or laundry"  or " Nancy invited me to go to the zoo and I really don't want to, but I don't have any reason not to go, so I guess I will just go. "  And then spend the day at the zoo pissed off because I didn't really want to BE there!  C'mon, how often does that happen to you?  Also, New Years Eve---I hate New Years Eve because every year I felt like I should be doing this or that or the other thing, when in actuality I would love to have just gone to sleep like any other night---too much pressure and let down after it isn't as perfect as you pictured it to be.  It's JUST another night for cryin' out loud! My dream for New Years eve is to one year spend it in Disneyland, other than that I couldn't care less.  What about all these video proposals?  Seriously? Why do you need a million people around you on the single most intimate moment in your relationship to date?  No thank you.  Why does everyone feel they have to prove to the world that they have a perfect life?  If it was so perfect you'd be out living it and not documenting it on face book and you tube and twitter!!!! How can you allow yourself to just be who you are and not live up to someone else's expectations?   The answer----LET IT GO!  Allow yourself to be who YOU want to be!!!!  Don't let anyone else influence that.   The people that truly love you, will love you no matter what.  You have no one to impress.  In my opinion, my life is a show that has to impress only two...me and God.  What everyone else thinks of me is none of my business xoxo