Though I tried to pretend, I knew it was the end For the autumn of my life had come at last

Thirty one years ago today a 23 year old girl woke up on her wedding day.  She had no idea what the future would hold but she was certain this was the beginning of it.  She was really sick, congested, head cold, sore throat and on antibiotics for maybe the 2nd time in her life.  Looking back that was significant, no?  At that time she was more excited about the wedding and becoming some one's wife and changing her name more than she was thinking about a marriage and what that entailed.  She lives her life with no regrets and looks back knowing that marriage had to happen in order for three incredible human beings to be born.   And that marriage was not an easy one.  It was turbulent, volatile, filled with job changes, unemployment, uncertainty, instability, misunderstandings, anger and ups and downs, 11 moves, 3 different states and finally a peaceful, easy divorce.  But the result of that marriage was worth every tear, every heartache, every disappointment and every broken promise---3 children that are so amazing it's only divine intervention that they came from that union.

I look back at that young girl and I don't recognize her.  All of the things that happened in the last 31 years changed her.  She used to be a hopeless romantic, believing that love conquers all and that there was nothing that love could not cure.  She believed in devotion and faithfulness and happily ever after.  She doesn't anymore.  She believes that everything happens for a reason.  But happily ever after?  No.  She doesn't believe in that anymore.  My marriage was not a failure, quite the opposite.  It made me who I am today, along with a handful of failed relationships since then.   Every relationship, whether romantic, family, friend or work, teaches you something.  Those people are in your life for a reason.  Recently I've had quite a few people come back into my life that I had severed ties with within the last decade.  I'm not sure why they are resurfacing but I'm assuming our lessons aren't over.  This is a pattern in my life, I'm not sure why.  And honestly, I've stopped asking why.  I've stopped trying to figure out the reasons for things.  What's the point?  It is what it is.

Obviously everyone has different paths in life.  I am beginning to believe that the best years of my life are behind me.  Raising my children, being a stay at home mom and a wife was my passion and my dream for my life.  Well that phase is over now.  What now?  Now it's just a regular life.  Now I sit back and watch my nieces and nephews and my own children begin their lives.  My sweet friend from Arizona got married again this past weekend.  She had a rough life up until this point, no denying it.  So for her and some others these are the golden years---the years they work for and pay their dues for while they're young.  For me?  Those were the golden years.  I'm always backwards, I guess this is no different.  I know there are still good times ahead and I'm very blessed by all that I have and the life that I live.  But it makes me really sad to know that life is more than half over and the best is most likely behind me.  I try not to think that way but on days like today it's inevitable.  Tomorrow I may feel differently because after all....it's just a day in the life.

Who needs a prince?

I am very very hard on myself.  I am also hard on those I love...I expect a lot from them, especially my children.  I'm working on it.  I'm getting better every day.  Learning to let go and free myself of these expectations, letting go of the picture in my head of how life is supposed to be is a difficult yet necessary task.  I am a work in progress and some days I just can't seem to find the balance and others (like today) I balance it perfectly.  I want more days like today and I'm determined to make sure I have them.

I am technically on vacation right now, although I am still working (actually working twice my normal hours) and in addition to that running to Doctor's appointments with my mom and food shopping daily and menu planning and cooking and cleaning---for some reason it feels different.  I'm enjoying it (well, minus the doctor's appointments) because it's all that I'm focusing on.  When I'm home, I always seem to have a million other things pulling at me.  Here at my parent's house I only need to focus on the immediate things that need to be done.  It feels good to take care of people and have them want me to.  My sons are growing into men and they don't want me fussing over them anymore.  I am a fusser, I can't help it.  I like taking care of my loved ones--at one point in my life it's how I gave myself worth.  That's not the case anymore but I still like to do it.  I guess part of me always wanted someone to fuss over me---not that I would know how to handle that, but I think at this stage of my life I'd like to try.

I was in such a bad place the last two days, so sad and feeling numb and as I watched my daughter in the pool I thought---amazing--she can have fun all by herself just using her imagination.  I listened to her make believe game of mermaids and sharks and I remembered summers of my youth where I did the exact same thing!  I remember pretending I was a mermaid and I got trapped in a cage by an evil villain and of course my handsome prince rescued me.  That's where it all started...my lifetime of waiting for that handsome prince to save me from myself.  My daughter doesn't need that prince--she rescues herself and I love that!  Being a child of divorce I sometimes worry about how she will be when she finally has her first love, her first relationship---will she be needy and clingy like I was?  I don't think so!  See, she is seeing the woman I am now, the woman who handles everything and doesn't ask for anyone's approval.  She is boy crazy, don't get me wrong --- she definitely wants that happily every after, but she isn't looking for it to save her and Amen to that!  Anyway, I digress.....

The reason for this entry was that I realized, while I was watching her, that I never really just let go and enjoy life.  I'm always reserved for some reason, even when I'm having fun it's not that uninhibited fun that I had as a kid.  So I set out to make a bucket list.  A list of things I want to do in the next however many years, to enrich my life and have fun!  I've come a long way because the list started flowing easily.  It was inspired this morning when I woke up and I decided I was going to have a better day and a better life!  No more waiting for that handsome prince -I was going to save myself.  And today, when I took my daughter swimming guess who got in the pool and showed her how to do front flips and back flips and handstands and handsprings?  That's right---this mama!  She had so much fun and so did I, I felt like a kid again.  Of course, my body IS still 49 so I'm not sure the handsprings were such a good idea (my back says it definitely wasn't) but it's just the beginning....and it's just a day in the life xoxox

Love is a many painful thing.....

There is a reason that they use words like heartbreak, crush and heartache.  Because a broken heart hurts more than anything else in the world.  It's a pain that can't be described and only time will heal it.  There isn't a magic pill to take or bandage to use, it's just time.  Which is devastating in itself.  When we give our heart to another person it's a risk.  We hope and pray that they will treat it with kindness and respect and the TLC that we need, unfortunately that is rarely the case.  That's why we get our hearts broken.

When two people come into a relationship they are each damaged to a certain degree.  They each have their own baggage.  They do and say things that hurt the other person.  They each have their own agenda and somehow, someway they have to try to figure out how to compromise and have both people be happy and fulfilled.  I think World Peace would be easier.  I've given a lot of thought to and observed a lot of people recently and it just seems that in every committed relationship each person just seems unhappy.  The men think the woman are nags, overly sensitive, never satisfied and critical (all true).  The women think the men are selfish, take them for granted, are unromantic and don't help enough (again, all true).  How did they all go from being so happy and loving and giving at the beginning of their relationships to this?  It's that pesky word called EXPECTATIONS.  Once people get involved romantically they begin to expect things.  We each rely on someone else to fulfill our happiness.  In actuality, we can't ever truly be happy with someone else unless we are happy with ourselves.We are so busy avoiding the problems within ourselves that we are focused on pointing out the problems with someone else.  And that's when the downward spiral begins.  One person brings up a "flaw" in the other person (aka you're not meeting my needs) so the other person, not to be undone, returns the favor.  And the rest, is relationship disaster.

I still remember my first heartbreak.  I thought I was going to die.  I remember leaving the dinner table and throwing up in the bathroom because my stomach was in knots.  There was no texting then, no email, no call waiting, no caller ID, no cell phones....just the house phone that was usually located in the kitchen.  I remember sitting in the hallway with my feet up on the wall talking to my boyfriends for hours.  I also remember waiting for that phone call that one day just didn't come.  The heartbreak and devastation I felt was like a knife in my heart.  It never occurred to me that the boys were feeling the same things at times.  I'm very fortunate that my boys share their feelings and relationship situations with me.  The information and insight I've gotten from them really would have come in handy when I was their ages.  They feel just as deeply as I used to.  I always thought men didn't care, turns out I was wrong.  Their heartbreak is just as bad and deep.  And watching it as a parent is equal to or worse than experiencing the heartbreak yourself!  You just want to make it go away and you can't.  If you're like me you want to confront the person hurting your child and give them a good swift kick in the ass!  You want to explain to them that it's all going to be ok and it won't hurt forever....but that won't help either, they need to learn it themselves, unfortunately.

At some point, if you've been hurt enough you eventually stop feeling as deeply.  Sad, but true.  Eventually you might build a wall around your heart so big and so strong that it seems no one can break through...but then, if you are lucky, you will meet that certain person who will love you enough to climb over the wall and set you free from it, and you will finally realize why it never worked with anyone else.