Sign, sign everywhere a sign, Do this - don't do that - can't you read the signs?

 

Signs.  I remember when I first started receiving signs from above.  I would be SO excited when I saw an angel number (1111, 222, 333, 444 etc) and it became such a confirmation for me.  Just like anything else in life, you become immune to that and it becomes just a normal occurrence.  I also question every single thing lately so signs are like a joke to me.  However, ever the optimist I was writing a letter to my mom last week and I asked her for a sign.  A big one.  I said I didn't even know what sign I wanted or what I wanted it to mean (super helpful Tee...great job).  Anyway, later that day my friend told me that she heard the song Moon River 3 different times that day and by a specific artist (ummm would it be Andy Williams?---duh). I knew that was my mom reaching out to me through her because ummm I am a bit of a sceptic these days.   She also sent another song that shocked the bejeezus out of me but ok....I got it.  Later that day someone else told me something that I knew immediately was from my mom.  I literally laughed out loud.  Ok ok I give....I know my mom is watching over me and handling things.  I said to my daughter - I wonder why Yaya sent the signs to other people?  To which she looked at me with a smirk (that actually looks so much like mine it was comical) Uhhhhh. HELLOOO!  You could ask for a giant purple tonka truck and you would see it and be like I'm not sure-----  Okay, okay - guilty as charged.  (Told you I am a bit sceptical as of late)

Fast forward to this weekend.  I took a different route than I normally take - lo and behold on the opposite side of the street was - you guessed it - a large purple truck parked on the side of the road - it's driver fishing off the bridge.  I said to my daughter - did I just see?  She's like yup.  I'm like we should check out the license plate to see if it means anything - should I turn around?  She's like I definitely think you should.  I made a U turn and there were no extra signs....ok well still, it was a sign.  When I turned back around I got stuck at a light and BAM in front of us was another sign.  We looked at eachother and I was like REALLY?  She said See and if you hadn't turned around you would not have seen that!  (Smartass - who told her she could be wiser than me?  I don't believe I gave permission).  So, on we went.  Did it give me any answers?  Hell no- I am still doubting.

There are so many signs that are universal to everyone (pennies from heaven, white feathers, cardinals for passed loved ones, butterflies, dragonflies, rainbows, hummingbirds) the list goes on.  Feel free to choose your own signs and watch the angels deliver.  Butterflies and rainbows were my signs from my mom - Eagles and bears for my dad.  But I have pushed for more significant ones because they seemed too easy.  And since I didn't listen to music the day I asked for the signs, my mom sent them through someone else.  So don't ever think your request is too difficult.  God, your angels and passed over loved ones are extremely powerful and they love to delight and surprise you!  Give it a test-you won't be disappointed.

One of my favorite signs was when God started putting it in my thoughts to homeschool.  It's funny how those little thoughts pop into your head out of nowhere.  We were on vacation and I was in the pool with my boys and I thought- I don't want this to end.  I want to be with them all the time.  And I thought why don't you homeschool - WHAAATT???  I was the PTA president and class mom extraordinaire what?  When we got home I reserved a book from the Library on meal planning.  What was there when I went to pick it up?  A book by the same author on - you guessed it- homeschooling.  OK did I leave the book at the library?  No! that would be embarrassing 🙄). My friend saw the book in the car and was like homeschooling?  I said yea no way I'm doing that!  God kept bringing me homeschooling people, signs, etc.   Finally I said ok fine - I gave Him 2 options - either I will see the teacher who I wanted my son to have the next year at church (We saw him almost every week). OR I will see the family that we met that homeschooled (have never seen them before). Yes - I was stacking the deck - sue me!  Well not only were 2 of the boys in that family Altar Servers that day but the ENTIRE family (iincluding grandparents!) was called up to present the gifts.  I started crying right there because God truly did deliver!  I have a TON of those stories - I actually forgot them until I started writing. 

So my point in all this drivel is that you need to pay attention to the signs.  They come from all places and things.  Just now my daughter started singing the song Georgy Girl..(one of my moms favorites!). and she's like, did this play this morning?  I'm like umm no---now it's stuck in both of our heads--thanks Mom!  Not sure what that one means but at least I know she's with us.  And that it's not just another day in the life!

And when one of us is gone......and one of us is left to carry on....then remembering will have to do

 Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like "what is the point?"  I am having one of those days.  I am not a person who gives up easily.  However, sometimes when it seems like I am getting slammed with one thing after another I truly want to just hide.  Unfortunately, my brain will not allow that.  I am realizing lately that even when I tell myself I am going to retreat and turn the world off, my thoughts just won't stop.  I have that panicked feeling that I might be needed or somehow I am required to do something.  I think the needed part comes from being a mom and someone always needing me --- those days are truly gone.  It is rare that my adult children need me at this point.  It seems the only place I am needed now is at work.  I used to work 7 days a week without any set hours and although I now work 9-5 Monday through Friday I still have that "on call" mentality that really makes me always feel like there is an urgent matter somewhere that needs my attention.  Truth be told, it doesn't - I am not that vital, my job is not rocket science and my boss is quite capable of handling things when I am not on the clock. So, I am trying to train my brain to be able to relax.  It is unlearning years of learned behavior, but I am getting there.  Boundaries - as my daughter reinforces to me daily.  Yes, grasshopper I understand.  Have I mentioned I want to be her when I grow up?  She is truly remarkable.

Anyway - now what?  What exactly do I do while I am in this in between phase?  I know God is getting ready to move me again ---the signs are all there I am just waiting for when and where.  People say well where do you want to live?  Ummm if I knew that I would be doing it!  And when I move I am determined to find people who want and deserve my energy.   I am determined to not be that person who forces herself on people that don't want or need her energy.  I feel that I have been taken for granted for far too long and I have removed my attention from things that make me feel that way.  Being the "good girl" and thinking about everyone else's needs above my own is slowly disappearing.  It can be a lonely place, but luckily I am in good company----my own!  

And then there are mornings like this morning---the grief of a life that is not longer, another life that

will never be, the missing a time in my life when I knew what was required of me.  The time when I knew what my purpose and meaning was.  So I turned to my mom (in prayer) and the tears flowed.  The ache in my heart for my parents came full force and I let it.  I allowed myself to feel the loss and the sadness and the longing for a life that used to be, that could have been - I let it all flow.  When they say grief comes in waves they truly knew what they were talking about.  Sometimes that wave knocks you over and pulls you out with the tide.  Today is such a day.  I feel lost.  What I would not give for just one more talk with my dad "Listen angel life is not fair", or a "oh, Tina...." and a hug from my mom.  But as the song that was mine and my moms (You and Me against the World by Helen Reddy) eloquently states - and when one of us is gone, and one of us is left to carry on---then remembering will have to do!.  Well it sucks - sounds great as song lyrics but in life?  Sucks.

I think the hardest thing for me lately is that I don't trust my own intuition anymore.  I used to know so strongly what actions I should take, what I needed to do and say.  But that has been taken away slowly but surely and all I am left with is doubt and confusion and the question of did I REALLY ever know anything?  Was my intuition just a form of wishful thinking?  Maybe it was.  So what now?  If I don't trust myself how do I know what is meant for me?  How do I know what my next action is?  It leaves me wanting to hide in bed and not face anything - but that is not what I am made of.  I am stronger than that.  I found myself asking my mom for a sign today a BIG one --- but I didn't even know what sign to ask for or what I wanted it to mean.  I miss the days when I gave a shit about anything - I want this, I don't want that - I love this, I don't like that.  I am in a place of not caring.  Usually it is a peaceful, pleasant place of just allowing life to unfold the way it's meant to and being grateful for what comes. But when you have decisions to make and you just don't care it is really difficult to make them.  I look around and I have a really good life.  I know I have things that I once prayed for and they have been answered.   I am grateful-  SO very grateful for so many things in my life.  I know (and have lived it) things could be so much worse than apathy.  It seems everyone close to me is dealing with those things - so I have absolutely no right to complain.  But for someone like me----who used to be so passionate about everything to have apathy, and for someone who trusted her intuition like most people trust a GPS to doubt every thought that comes in my head?  It is a form of slow torture.  I miss me.  I miss that woman who stood so passionately for things that mattered to her.  I really hope she comes back and it's not just another person to grieve.  But for now?  I am grateful for this day in the life.

In Your Easter Bonnet....with all the frills upon it...

 

Easter Sunday....the memories of my childhood....and my children's did not really get to me this year...too much.   I have almost forgotten what it was like making Easter baskets, coloring and hiding eggs, remembering at the last minute that I did not, in fact, have a decent carrot

to leave out for the Easter bunny.  My daughter and I were remembering how she and her brother would fight to the death to win the Easter Egg hunt (yes, I know---very holy of them 😉.  But what fun memories those were.  One of my favorites of my childhood is when my mom forgot where she hid the last egg and a few weeks later we smelled it...I mean found it!  I was far too excited this year that I was going to be able to spend the day at the beach!  I cancelled the dinner reservations we had made (just in case) and off we went.  

On the way to the beach we were engrossed in a deep conversation about God only knows what - but I know we were discussing something serious.  I asked my daughter to go in the console and see if I had hand lotion or a perfume roller ball in there (can't remember which) and seemingly out of nowhere a photo of my dad appeared.

We have been driving his car since he passed in 2021.  I have been through that console dozens of times since, including cleaning out things that I could bear to part with.  So how did I never see this photo?  Instant tears started flowing.  My daddy....never far away.  My daughter and I both took it as confirmation that he was handling any and all issues we faced.  Look at that face....so strong.  I recalled, once again, how lucky I was to have him as my dad.  My children to have him as their poppa.  He was not a Saint by any stretch of the imagination.  But the relationship I built with him as an adult has shaped me in more ways than I can really count.  My work ethic, my sense of right and wrong....all the things that help make me- well me.  Last week my creme filling son was facing an issue with his company and as we discussed it he sent me photos and proof of his side of the situation.  I complimented him and told him that is what Pop always taught us.  Document everything.  It became a joke between my sister and I about how Daddy told us to keep notes about every situation in life.  Time, date, applicable players.  But we do it.  And obviously I passed that down to my kids.  It makes me so happy when I see my parents lessons come out in my kids.  My daughter often says, when she is cleaning or organizing, that she knows how happy her Yaya is when she's doing it.

I have always been an "out of sight, out of mind" type of person.  My mom would say I was "so fickle", because I could change my mind about people at the drop of a hat. It always bothered me.  Why do I not miss people?  Why do I not think about people when I don't see them often?  But I now realize - that is not the truth.  There are certain people (my parents included) that are never really out of my mind.  I am learning that it wasn't that I was "out of sight, out of mind" it is that those people aren't my people.  It's not a flaw, it's a gift!  I don't have time to pine over people that really don't care to be in my life unless I am the one making the effort.  My energy is better spent on the people who do want me in their life and take the time to show me that, because every day----is an important one and not just a day in the life!