Everything I knew but I didn't know

 

It's the last Monday of 2020.  Some are saying Thank God it's almost over.  I say Thank God it happened.  Thank God that I had these 365 trips around the sun.  I learned a few years back not to evaluate my life by the numbers on the calendar.  Every year has challenges and blessings.  Some have more of one than the other.  For those who are so over the top disgusted with 2020 because of the changes in their lifestyle I say, you are a lucky person.  When I look back on "bad" years it was because horrible, terrible things were happening in my life.  Not because I can't go out to eat with my friends or find toilet paper.  It is all about choices and viewpoint.  I am choosing to bless 2020 and thank it for the things it taught me and the happiness it brought.

2020 started with my oldest son in a very bad place. If you had told me then that by the end of it he would be where he is I am not sure I would have believed you.  For that alone 2020 will be a year I would relive gladly to get to where we are today.  

Later in January we were blessed with my great niece being born.  She is a light in this world that God knew we needed.  Her mere presence in the world makes it a better place.  She has not had an easy start---allergies, eczema so severe she has to work like Houdini to scratch the itch, and coming into the world when everything has been on lockdown for most of her first year.  Yet, Miss Lyla is a fighter.  That little girl is going to change the world just by being in it.  2020 will always remind me of the blessing she is.

We had cancelled trips a plenty, fear of losing jobs, shocking deaths (not Covid related), prom cancelled, graduations cancelled, Weddings cancelled just like everyone else.  Is it difficult?  Of course, but really?  In the grand scheme of life those are things people experience all the time.  I am choosing to look at the blessings.

My Godson graduated college to go on to his Masters program, it didn't look like he thought it would but someday he'll look back and realize he's not alone and a lot of people will have some crazy stories of quarantined graduations.  It makes us have to work a little harder to make moments like this special.

My dad celebrated his 90th birthday.  I was lucky enough to be able to spend it with him but I know it's not what anyone expected or wanted.  But the important thing is that we have been blessed to have him celebrate his 90th birthday.  That is a gift denied to many.

My son turned 22 and although the cruise he had planned was cancelled they made the best of it and took a weekend away at the beach where they got married in 2018. My daughter and I were lucky enough to spend his birthday with him on the beach and if he had been on the cruise it would have been the first birthday we didn't get to see each other.  See how I turned that around? 😎

My daughter's junior year is not looking like she thought it would but she's finally being "homeschooled" like her brother's were and she's realizing it's not too bad to do school from her pajamas.

We finally took a trip to NY to meet my beautiful great niece and were lucky enough to be there when my niece Katey got engaged!  How lucky was THAT!  She was supposed to be in San Diego that week and the proposal would have happened there.  Thank you 2020 for allowing me to be part of that amazing moment in her life.  Had there been no pandemic that would never have happened.

We got to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas together as a family and also with my daughter in laws family which was such a huge blessing and so much fun! We have gotten so close and it is truly a joy that 2020 has given us this time.

My son and his beautiful wife bought their first home.  It is being built as we speak.  Because of that they have been staying with me on and off and we are lucky enough to have the beauty of my son's "last Christmas at home" for probably the third time 😉.

My daughter in law finished her college classes.  She will be graduating in May.  Such a huge accomplishment and I'm so proud of her!  

Thank you 2020, for these and many other blessings that I can't write about.  Thank you for the lessons and the changes and the growth that you've brought.  Here's to another 365 trips around the sun with the ones I love, because after all----it is just a day in the life.

You may say I'm a dreamer......

 Last week we celebrated Thanksgiving.  I know it's a month away, but we were all together and as I always told my kids I don't care if it's a Wednesday in April and we celebrate Christmas---when we're all together it's a holiday for me.  Now, I've been off my holiday game probably since my youngest found out that Santa isn't real. Being a person who makes an average Tuesday into a holiday has its pros and cons.  It means that the ACTUAL holidays are not as important and the stress and hoopla is kinda a nuisance to me.  BUT, I have traditions that I have created and my kids look forward to them so I continue them (or face the wrath lol).  Every Thanksgiving I give them each a decoration that they will then take with them when they move out of my home.  My oldest---nutcrackers.  So we have 20 something Nutcrackers that come out every December.  My creme filling son---it was snowmen.  His wife was a little underwhelmed with the amount of snowmen that now decorate her home, so a few years back I switched to just giving them a random decoration on Thanksgiving (I'm not sure my son likes this too much....he loved his snowmen).  When he moved out I realized that I really need to purchase some decorations of my own because 20 snowmen missing was a huge gap in the decor.  My baby girl started out with Angels and then she decided she preferred snowglobes so that's what she gets.  Well I normally have an extra month to get these things but when I returned from a trip on Monday I realized that I had less than a week!  I also realized that buying my Turkey on Wednesday (at full price for the first time in 32 years!!!) did not give it enough time to defrost in the Fridge....minor details.  I also realized that no one sells lemon pudding anymore!  Walmart online delivery to the rescue---my oldest needs his lemon meringue pie!  Ok, so....here we go.  The reason for this blog post----at least I THINK there is a message.

I actually convinced myself it was Thanksgiving.  I was shopping on Saturday for a new tablecloth because I did not have time to get to storage and get out my dishes and tablecloths etc.  I was irritated at how little Thanksgiving things were around, because ummm helllooooo tomorrow is Thanksgiving...oooh wait---no it's not.  And, shoot---late that evening the boys ate all the munchies during their Saturday night MMA fight night hoopla and I can't run out on Thanksgiving morning!  We even found the parade on You Tube.  My daughter woke up that morning and didn't understand why none of her friends were posting anything on social media about Thanksgiving.  We were really living in another dimension.  That brings me to my realization....

We can convince ourselves of anything---our imagination is a powerful tool.  If you believe it, you can create it and achieve it.  You can convince yourself of pretty much anything if your heart is in it.  

Spending a week with my oldest is really eye opening for me.  He sees me in a way that warms my heart.  He has truly seen me at my worst and at my best and he and I have been through really awful moments in our mother/son relationship, including nearly a year of not speaking.  We discussed how the mind works and why we are all (our family) able to live in this year of craziness and see the good in it, to see the reasons for a lot of it.  He knows so much about the subconscious mind and how to clear things out---he helps me process so much. We discussed visualizing things and how it becomes real. I've never been much of a visualizer--I can't see things that I imagine.  But I'm realizing that the things I cannot visualize are things that aren't meant for me.  Which also makes me realize that if I can imagine it than it's possible!  

I decided to take a course this month related to that Quantum leap.  It's teaching me a lot about myself and the fact that there isn't much I want materially in life.  When guided to try to manifest a thing----there isn't anything materially that I want.  Everything that makes me happy and makes my heart sing and my soul have peace has to do with relationships and the people I love.  It's a good thing and a bad thing at the same time.  What do I strive for?  What can I do to make my life better when the only things I want aren't things at all?  What can I do when people that are my priority have other priorities?  This is what I'm working on....trying to figure out what to do about this.  I want to say what's wrong with me?  But then I realize I don't know how to be any other way.  I've been this way my whole life- yes in the past I wanted certain material things (a home of my own, a new car etc.) but those were only to enrich the things that were really important to me.  The home was for my children and the car was for safety and the new car smell (I'm a sucker for new car smell). ...............

Well I will continue to work on this thing we call life....try to find new passions and things that drive me---but unless you can teach an old dog new tricks I'm not sure how successful I will be.

Happy Thanksgiving.....it's just a day in the life <3

Someday I hope you get the chance, to live like you were dying....

 

Well, it's been quite a week.  My heart is hurting and my mind has been spinning and I'm not sure if I'll be able to get this into words, but here goes.

Two weeks ago I gave up.  I realized that it didn't really matter if the end of life was coming because honestly, what was the point?  I have spent the majority of my life looking on the bright side, turning negatives into positives and making the best of unanswered prayers and focusing on the ones that were answered.  Age has always been just a number to me, but during that time I was getting really sad and upset that I would be turning 56 in a few months and my life didn't look anything like I thought it would and I didn't see any change in that in the future.  I decided to shut down from social media, my phone, pretty much everything.  I started to realize how alone I really am.  Yes, it was a pity party, but I deserved it.  I realized how I am always there when someone needs me, but when I reach out or I need someone most people's responses are based on what is going on in their world.  Not being a priority is a trigger of mine----because I make those I love my first priority always.  So, as what has become the norm these past 10 years, my circle became smaller.  I learn a lot about myself during these times, but honestly?  I'm tired of the self reflection, self work, self change.  It's enough already---when is it enough?

I had a conversation with my dad about my view on this whole virus and I told him----you raised me to know that when it's my time to go, it's my time to go and I'm okay with that.  I started thinking that my kids would be fine and they had each other.  It was a really, really DARK place.  Then I realized when I tried to call on my Angels and bubble myself in a blue bubble of protection---I couldn't see.  I could not see color---everything was grey and dark.  That had never happened before.  It scared me.  I realized I hadn't called on my Angels in a really long time.  A conversation with my first born inspired me to go back to that place.  He insisted if I could bring HIM to spirituality than I could do anything.  That boy is saving my life the way he did when he was born.  He made me a mom---my true purpose and now he was bringing me back to life again.  Just in time too, because this past week was a rough one.

I received information that my very first boyfriend when I was in 7th grade was battling pancreatic cancer, and not doing well.  He was the sweetest, curly haired boy with a smile that could move mountains.  I remember our brief "relationship" and a field trip we took to an amusement park and how we held hands on the bus and the music that was playing during that trip.  We touched base a few years ago and reminisced about his mom's religion class where we met and that infamous trip.  He used to carry my books and he was honestly just the kindest boy.  Looking back, he was too nice to me---I didn't handle that well for many, many years.  When we were in high school he was one of the most popular boys in school and always was a special memory to me.  A few months ago I woke up in the middle of the night and thought I needed to reach out to him.   I didn't.  I didn't even look up his social media or I would have realized he deleted them.  Now I know why he came to my mind after all this time.  He is sick.  His attitude is fabulous, he welcomes messages and calls and is going to be an inspiration to many I know! I instantly chastised myself for worrying about turning 56 when my childhood friend was fighting to see 56!  How selfish of me!  I began to count my blessings and work on reconnecting to my angels and working on a project my son has been urging me to undertake.

Than, yesterday morning I received news that a boy I grew up with passed away while flying from Florida to New York unexpectedly.  He was an incredible husband and father!  I have been friends with his wife since the 80's and I connected with his daughter through my Chat With Your Angels page, I have done some readings for her.  How could this be?  This man who devoted his life to his family, gone in an instant.   I just can't get past it.  This tough kid who used to tease me all the time in Elementary school is gone.....

 What am I doing? Life is too short to spend doing anything but what makes you happy.  It is time to start counting my blessings again.  Time to thank God for every single day!  I broke out the gratitude journal which has been dormant for a while, I am setting aside time to work on my angel project with my son encouraging me just enough to keep me going.  I lost that girl, but these 2 men from my childhood will inspire me to make sure I don't lose her again.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today----No day should ever be JUST a day in the life......cherish each one.  

When I see you smile, I can face the world, you know I can do anything....

 Trigger warning!  I'm an anti-masker, read at your own risk.

That's right.  I think the masks are a method to invoke fear and control over us.  I'm tired of being quiet.  This weekend was the end for me.

I have been going out without a mask for a few weeks now.  It started because it was truly emotionally affecting me when I would go out and see everyone thinking this was normal.  Everyone just complying, even though there really are no facts that this is helping. I was alone every time I went out without one, but this weekend I met a friend for brunch.  I was sitting outside the restaurant (maskless) waiting for my friend to arrive.  I found it pathetic that the other patrons waiting outside were wearing masks.  Even though in about 15 ft. they would be removing them to sit at a table....hmmm...ok.  My friend approached, maskless, we embraced and went inside to be seated.  I had used the app to put us on the line already, not sure why others didn't but ok.  My friend commented that I wasn't wearing a mask---nope.  She was so nervous to not be obeying the rules but she confessed that she told herself that if anything went down that I would handle it.  I laughed at that because I am not a confrontational person---at all.  However, I've had enough of this bs.  I told her that I had a mask in my purse and I would not cause a scene if asked to put it on (after all the workers would just be doing their jobs) however I wasn't going to do it without being asked to.  We sat down and proceeded to have an amazing 3 hour brunch.  I was so proud of her for getting up to use the restroom and not putting on her mask.  She felt empowered being with me and that is my goal.  My goal is to have other people who feel the same way as I do become brave enough to take back their face.
Today my daughter was with me.  We were going in to a store to get school supplies and she went to take her mask out of my purse.  I was like ummm no!  What are you doing?  She was almost in tears.  Mom, what's the big deal?  Please let me just wear it I don't want to make a scene.  I said I had no intention of making a scene.  If I was asked to put it on I would say ok and grab it out of my purse.  RELAX I told her.  We approached the entrance and she proceeded to point out the sign to me.  I said "What sign?  We are talking, I'm distracted -- I forgot."  with that my boss, like the angel he is, called me and I was talking to him as I entered.  We proceeded to get her supplies, pay and leave.  We got in the car and I said "see?  that wasn't so hard now was it?"   The next 3 places we went into she didn't flinch.  Have I done her a disservice by teaching her to just follow the rules?  It makes me wonder.
I talked to my niece over the weekend and she mentioned that she was concerned about handing her 7 month old over to her swimming instructor with a covered face and that the baby would think she wasn't supposed to be upset being handed to a stranger whose face she couldn't see.  WOW!  I had never even considered that!  The list just grows and grows.  This is NOT okay. 
My cousin has followed my lead and started the same thing.  It has to start somewhere people.  Is it ok with you that this is going to be the new normal?  That masks will be considered a fashion accessory?  Wow, people that are selling masks are hoping that it will become normal. 
I met with two inspectors and the HOA president the other day to give them access to one of our properties.  The inspectors had masks on, the president and I did not.  When they came out of the property I complimented the one inspector on his American Flag mask.  He said, "Yea, thanks--it's soaked"  Ok, so that is useful right?  NO!  And the people all over wearing them below their nose?  NO!  It's all garbage.  I actually had my cousin go CRAZY on my instagram post telling me to just wear the mask!  I'm smarter than that....I replied YES!  I AM smarter than that.  I'm smart enough to think for myself.  He continued to berate my choice in political candidate (assumed it) and where I live (Florida is crazy already we don't need people going around without masks).  I didn't engage.  I explained that I don't need to defend my beliefs to him or anyone else, and as someone who lives an alternative lifestyle I would expect the same respect from him-----
The fact that, according to what I'm seeing, this virus is so brilliant it knows not to attach itself to you when you are sitting at a restaurant eating, yet if you get up to use the restroom or leave---that's fair game.  Huh?  People can wear masks to riot, use public transportation, go to the grocery store and they're safe---however----don't go to a funeral, wedding, church or a family bbq or Heaven forbid VOTE in person---the virus targets those spots.  Cmon people!  Wake up!  If you don't see that this is just a form of control than I can't help you. 
I'm assuming if you're someone who believes in masks you haven't gotten this far---if you have let me tell you I'm not judging your choice to wear one, so don't judge mine for not.  If you don't believe in them and are following the rules because you don't want to make waves, I encourage you to attempt going maskless and see what happens.  If enough of us take back our choices maybe it will become the majority.  And not wearing a mask will become just another day in the life.  God Bless.....

Life ain't picture perfect, use the negatives to develop

When I realized we were going to be quarantined for at least a month I ordered these cute little diamond paintings.  In March.  I got them in June.  I forgot I even ordered them.  The mood was gone for working on projects.  I really never had that shut down time, I was still working throughout.  But, I have really enjoyed making the time to work on this and it made me realize that life is just like this paint by number type art.  You don't fully know how beautiful it will turn out until you dive into it.  Also, that if you give it all to God (as my picture states) it is much easier to enjoy it.

I've seen a lot of people saying January 2020 me and June 2020 me are completely different.  I relate to that.  It isn't really about what's going on in the world as much as it is going on personally.  New Years morning at 3am I got a call that set the tone for this year and it wasn't a good one.  But, it began a year of huge changes for me as a person.  It seems like 6 years ago instead of 6 months.  Trials are like that.  And if you don't roll with the tide you will be pushed and pulled and possibly caught in a rip tide.  It can kick your ass, you'll wind up where you're supposed to be but bruised and battered.  I have been flowing.  I listen to my Angels and my guidance and I DO things that I don't want to do if I'm guided.  Even if my ego is screaming-NO!  I don't want to do that!  WHY do I have to?  So, I'm not sure why I got the proverbial crap beat out of me in the last six months when I was doing what I was told.  But I feel it's almost like labor and this is the last big push.  (if I had a dollar for every time I was foolish enough to believe that...well, I'd have a ton of dollars!)  Things have come up one after another of things I didn't even realize I needed to heal, or process or fix.  This past weekend was a big one and I am being guided to share it because I think it can help a lot of you.  (even though inside I'm saying NO!  I don't WANT to share this...it's too personal).

I have an issue with disappointing people.  I have an issue with needing to be perfect, or at least for the people I care about to think I'm perfect.  I do my best....ALWAYS.  I don't half ass anything in my life.  If I am giving myself to something it's 100 percent.  Sounds good right?  Sounds like a good quality to have, right?  Not necessarily.  Not when you never give yourself a break.  Not when you are crestfallen when the people you love don't think you're perfect.  (for the record, no one is perfect---I know this.  But when I love someone?  They're perfect in my eyes, no matter what---even when they drive me crazy).

I never believed that I meant as much to someone as they meant to me.  Never. Why?  I have no friggin idea.  But it's true.  I've realized it was a huge downfall.  It is through talking to people that have loved me and do love me that I realize I was wrong.  Just because I didn't feel perfect enough didn't mean I wasn't perfect to them.  Someone once asked me why I felt that I had the market cornered on love.  Wow.  I remember how that hit me.  I should have gone through this realization then----but I didn't.  I wasn't ready.  Even typing those words right now bring tears to my eyes.  This person has been one of my greatest teachers.  He made me see myself in a way that no one else ever could.  But I wasn't ready.  I wasn't ready to see myself the way I see myself now.  Life works that way sometimes.

I've realized that my kids don't see me as perfect either.  That one stung too.  I have done my very best to be "perfect" as a mom.  My oldest showed me that I wasn't and that was a tough pill to swallow.  He's now in a place where he looks at me with those shiny eyes again.  He is remembering his childhood with those rose colored glasses that I looked at mine with for so many years.  He and I are in this amazing place of mutual respect and love and dare I say adoration.  But now it's the younger ones turn to look at me with tainted glasses.  Sigh, well you can't win them all.  However, through this I'm realizing this is MY issue....my issue of needing to be everything to everyone and for them to think I'm the best thing since sliced bread.  Which they DO!  But they see my flaws---and that's ok!   I don't have the market cornered on love.  They can love me even though I'm not perfect, just like I do them.  Watching old movies with my kids the other night brought the realization that 3 different people can watch the same scene play out and have 3 very different emotions and memories of that time.  And none of them are wrong, perception is reality.  And I don't need them to see it the way I do and they don't need me to see it the way they do.  How about that?  Wow.

So, this past week has been me trying to figure out how and why I got this way (because Heaven forbid it should just be "because I did!")  I need to figure out why so I don't repeat it.  I'm still working on that.  But, my reason for putting this out there is to possibly help someone else with perfection syndrome.  Someone who doesn't feel like anyone could ever love them as much.  Tell yourself, you don't have the market cornered on love.  You aren't the only one who can love unconditionally or overlook imperfections.  Others can love you that way too.  And you don't have to be "perfect"....there is no such thing. And you can't expect that from anyone else either. All you can do is your best at any given time.  And you need to understand that everyone else is doing the same.  And it needs to be enough....we need to appreciate those we love for being the best they can be and to believe that they feel the same way.  Because after all.....it's just a day in the life.

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy....caught in a landslide, no escape from reality

Well, life here in Florida is starting to return to "normal".  By normal I mean everything is opening back up.  However, if this is "normal"  I'd like my money back.  This cannot be the future of this world, please God.  This week was truly horrific.  Thankfully nothing permanent but a week of really brutal energy.  My oldest son informed me yesterday that like 5 planets were in Gemini and coupled with the new moon I am hoping that is it, because I really want a redo.

Monday I was at the car dealership getting an oil change and yes, I am one of those people that doesn't wear a mask unless I am forced to.  The employees weren't wearing them so I felt that I could go without one as well.  Half of the customers had them on, a few had gloves as well (LOSE THE GLOVES PEOPLE!  THEY DON'T HELP!).  I sat in my chair and observed the looks on everyone's faces.  I felt like I was in a war zone.  No one speaks, everyone is on edge, it's just ugly.  I observed two co-workers and an awkward exchange because the man was trying to keep his distance and the woman kept touching his shoulder and he was trying to back away.  It was difficult to watch and to realize---is THIS the new normal?  When I went to open the door anywhere I used a paper towel and disinfected my hands.  I have never thought about germs in my life.  Except when my middle son was sick as a newborn and then when he had cancer but truly that's it.  Now I have a bottle of hand sanitizer in my purse along with a mask and paper towels.

I went to get a much needed pedicure and was told I needed a mask and to sanitize my hands before entering and there was a thermometer there on the counter if I wanted to check my temperature.  Wow.  There were plexi glass barriers everywhere, they raised their prices (to cover these costs I'm sure) and I sat there thinking---this CANNOT be the new normal.  They had meditation type music playing instead of the TV on and I couldn't help but feel like I just wanted to cry.  It seemed like we were all adversaries instead of neighbors.  Everyone had fear or frustration or suspicion in their eyes.  Really?  Would this ever go away?

I am really trying to not stick my head in the sand but honestly?  How long can this go on?  And keeping a mask on when getting a pedicure but being in a restaurant without one (obviously) what's the point?  I'm an all or nothing kind of person.  I just don't think it makes sense.  Yes, I'm being cautious, taking steps I would normally not take, but wearing a mask forever whenever I'm in public?  Teachers wearing masks while teaching, students while learning?  How is this even going to work?  My heart breaks for these young children growing up with this. 

I had to order toilet paper and paper towels for my company and still my normal orders aren't available.  So I am forced to order more expensive items just so that we have them because we are allowed to open up again.  Our business is having to change so many things to stay up to code.  It's a full time job just keeping up with all the requirements. 

I am a hugger.  One of my love languages is touch.  I went for months without hugging my sons---hell no.  Not anymore.  And I hold onto them tighter and tighter every time I see them, and they hold on right back.  At the beginning of the week my daughter had to hand in her cheer uniform.  They had lines of cars, the seniors were picking up their cap and gowns and lawn signs and yearbooks and the uniforms were being given back.  Some of the kids stayed in their cars and waited for someone to approach them.  Finally I told my daughter to just go bring her uniform into the gym.  Well, her coach said "No way I'm not giving you a hug!  Sorry." My daughter wouldn't have left without one either.  Her friend was waving from afar and told Em that she wanted to come and hug us so badly but her mom told her she'd be punished if she went near anyone.  That broke my heart.  I'm not judging her mom, I get it!  Everyone has to do what is right for them.  But to me?  A life like that isn't worth protecting or living.  Yesterday my daughter and I got together with some friends and it was so awkward greeting them.  But my daughter and her friend just hugged each other so tightly and that broke the ice and then there were hugs all around and the atmosphere relaxed.

I am a firm believer in not living in fear.  I also feel if you think you're going to get sick, you will.  I am not judging anyone for doing what they feel is best for them and their families, but I ask that I am not judged either.  I put my faith and trust in God, as I do every day and I want to live my life.  Because after all, isn't that why everyone is avoiding this disease?  So that they can live?  If I can't hug and kiss and touch the people that I love then what's the point?  Just sayin'.  Isn't it just a day in the life?

Time makes you bolder, children get older---I'm getting older too....

Well, I got to see my oldest son for the first time in nearly 2 months.  I was nervous but excited to see him.  We've talked for hours every week on the phone, but I wanted to SEE him.  I was really anxious that morning and I didn't want to go.  I assumed it was because it's nearly a two hour drive one way and I hate the drive, no....I should have trusted my gut that it was going to be a tough day. 

My gps sent me on a wild goose chase and I arrived late to his Drs appointment.  I was really only going to the Dr's appointment to advocate for him.  The doctor and his father want him to take anti depressants in addition to the medication that he's already on.  He doesn't want it.  He said every appointment in the last 2 months that I've missed they have been trying to convince him to take the extra medication.  I wanted him to feel like he had back up.  The doctor asked me if I had something to add to the conversation when it was wrapping up.  This is the first time he has asked me that and I explained what my concerns were about adding yet another medication.  I indicated that my son and I had discussed this and I also indicated that I don't live with him and I turned to my ex and asked if he noticed anything different than what I was stating.  The entire time I was in the doctor's office when my son and I were speaking I saw him out of the corner of my eye shaking his head.  I knew he disagreed and was giving him a chance to share his concerns.  Nope.  Said nothing.  We left the office and were talking outside and he blew up.  Would not let me or my son finish a thought, was completely passive aggressive, indicated that he was the one that was taking care of my son and I had no right to have these discussions with him.  Wow.  Ok, I took a breath.  I calmly said that wasn't fair.  That I have taken care of these children since before they were born and I understood his frustration but that was below the belt.  He proceeded to get into his car and scream at us and I calmly asked him to please discuss how he was feeling and help us to understand.  I treated him as I would anyone that was hurting.  I told him we cared (I don't---I'm being honest here) and that I understood he was upset and then it came out.  He was furloughed for the week without pay.  Bam-  there it was.  That was his issue.   Money.  Work.   Nothing had changed in the 34 years that I've known this man.   He left and my son and I got in my car and after calming HIM down now we made a plan for the few hours we would have together.  He asked me to come up to the apartment because he needed to do something and wanted me there as a buffer.  I handled my ex, as I have for the last 26 years by providing a buffer so my kids didn't have to deal with his misplaced anger.  It was easier than ever before because I don't care anymore.  His actions can't affect me the way they used to, I don't have any skin in the game so to speak.

I spent the next few hours with my son.  Discussing everything and anything as we always do.  It breaks my heart to watch him dissect his life and blame himself for his past actions.  He discussed failures.....I told him there were no failures in life.  The only failure is in not trying.  Being afraid to try and also to hold onto something long after it's expiration date.  I used my marriage as an example.  I said I didn't consider my marriage a failure because I have my 3 most precious gifts in life as a result of that union.  I also learned so much about what I don't want in life so that I can focus on what I do want.  He apologized yet again for how he hurt and destroyed me over the last 7 years.  I told him that he didn't destroy me---I became the person I am because he made me see myself differently.  He helped me to grow as a person and I was grateful for that.  He looked stunned.  I hope I got through to him.  I needed more time with him.  I wanted more time with him.  I hate leaving him.  He needed to get to work and I know he needed time alone to process what I had said and what had transpired.

I got in the car to drive home and I felt....I don't even know what I felt.  I was just numb.  I realized that I had removed so many things in my life that caused me pain.  So many people that caused me to feel angry and hurt and frustrated.  This altercation brought back SO much of the past that I had forgiven and forgotten....why?  Why was I being reminded of the reasons my marriage didn't work?  Why was I being shown that my ex husband has not changed at all, at ALL?  Why was I being reminded of how viscous and mean he could be and how I used to respond the same way?  So that I could see how much I've changed?  That I could see WHY I used to treat others that way when I was hurting?  To break this pattern once and for all?  I don't know.  All I knew was that I was shattered.  I wanted to scream of my hatred for this man...I wanted to do what I used to and call whoever would listen and get it all out---to scream about the unfairness of the situation and have someone make it better.  Not this time.  Never again.  I was the only person who could get these feelings out, to repair this damage he had inflicted once again. No one can fix me except me.

Trigger one - insinuating that I wasn't a good mother, because he was taking care of our son.  Response:  I never stopped taking care of my son.  And honestly, why do I care what he thinks?  His opinion of me doesn't count!

Trigger two - not letting me finish my sentence and allowing me to explain my point of view. And then shutting down and leaving without resolving anything.  Response:  when someone isn't in a place to receive what I have to say or what I have to give I have to stop trying.  It's not going to work.

I think the hardest thing for me is that I spent most of my adult life trying to make this man happy.  Giving up what I wanted or needed to just keep peace.  I will never allow myself to do that again for anyone or anything.  I was a people pleaser.  I never looked at myself that way because it isn't all people.  It's people I love.  Then I thought about it.  I realize I didn't even know what love was for most of my life.  What I had been searching for is someone to love me.  To make me feel loved.  I think that's why my oldest was able to destroy me the way he did....because he was my first love.  He was the first person to love me.  Truly love me.  He appreciated everything I had to offer.  He allowed me to love him totally and completely and without thought for myself.  That is what I wanted.  That is how I wanted to love someone.  It made me feel good enough.  For the first time in my life.  Being a mother made me feel good enough.  My younger son and my daughter just continued that.  I think that's why I devoted everything I had to being a mother----I was good enough.  Maybe that's why I couldn't accept love before that---I didn't feel worthy.

My younger son asked me what I wanted him to bring on Mother's day.  I told him I'd make fajitas---he was like ummm it's Mother's day.  I said I know, but this is what I love.  I love cooking and I never get to do it anymore.  He said ok (which is shocking because he fights me all the time to allow him to take care of me).  I realized that morning that all those years when I didn't want to lift a finger on Mother's day it wasn't about needing to be pampered----it was because I wanted my ex husband to WANT to pamper me.  I wanted him to appreciate me!  I have so few things that I want or need in life and he didn't fulfill any of them except financially.  Once I got divorced it wasn't that I didn't want to allow my children to spoil me on Mother's day, it was that I didn't need it.  All I ever wanted for any holiday was a letter from them (and what a doozy from my daughter this year--wow!)  But I now realize that THEY might need it.  They want to show me that appreciation.  But honestly?  They show me every day!  From my oldest sending texts of love and asking how I am, my middlest always being there when I need him and never making me ask, and my daughter's love notes on the coffee maker or on my wallet and being my partner in crime....I'm so damn blessed with these humans that I created.  I don't need Mother's day.  That's not to say the flowers and mask (yes 2020 Mother's day hits differently) and the stunning diamond necklace I wasn't thrilled.  I was stunned and cried, of course and I accepted it graciously because I know it made them happy to do it.  I've grown up enough to allow others to do things for me too.

I am all over the place damn.  Fast forward to today.  I don't need someone else to validate that I am enough.  I know that I am.  I know that I am worthy.  But what a fucking journey to get here, but after all---it's just a day in the life.

And I'm still trying to understand how a boy became a man

If you've been following me for any length of time you know that I'm a bit obsessed with my sons.  I have had different relationships with both of them.  They are 4 years apart and I always thought they were basically as different as night and day.  They do have their differences but right now....in this moment, they have more similarities than differences.  I was in a really bad place today.  I did something to my back and I've been in a lot of pain and not really able to do anything today.  I spoke to my younger son first this morning and after convincing him that I was really fine and didn't need him to send me food or anything else we had our normal conversation.  This evening I spoke to my first born and it struck me once again how blessed I am to have these men in my life.  Excuse me while I wipe the tears away as I type this.  The relationship that I have with my boys is so precious to me I really don't think anyone understands.  Especially as they begin to share with me the things they feel they have learned/gotten from me.  My younger son and I have not had that period of our relationship where he doesn't like me.  Where he has that "wow my mother is ...fill in the blank with the negative phrase"  Yes, we have had moments but not huge periods of time.  My oldest and I have had a very rough nearly 10 years (wow...last I checked it was 5---that escalated quickly!).  Since he turned 17 our relationship really changed. He blamed me for basically everything in his life that was wrong---well it was not pleasant, it was horrible to be honest.  We even went through a period of estrangement that lasted 8 months.  At that point I never thought we would be where we are now.  During our conversation today we touched on things that we have been working through during this period of global reset.  It struck me that the three of us are all going through similar periods of clearing, healing and growth.  We discussed things that we have been mulling over and I was relaying a huge time when I had to release things when I was close to his age.  He (in his wisdom) said, "Ma, I'm pretty sure they were threatened by you.  Which is really funny to me, because it's kinda like being threatened by Winnie the Pooh.  Like, Winnie the Pooh walks up and they're like "did you see how he said "oh bother"????    To some that might not make sense or even matter.  But to me????  It struck me in the heart twofold....1.  I decorated his nursery in Winnie the Pooh---I love Winnie the Pooh----and he has never ever mentioned Winnie the Pooh.  2.  Him saying this means he sees me through my heart and my kindness---which hasn't always been the case.  It melted me, honestly.  He told me today that he credits me with his positive side, whenever he is able to be positive and happy in the midst of chaos or negativity, he says "I get that from my mom."....if he only knew how much that means to me.  He also told me that I am the "time to buckle down and do it, even if you don't want to and it sucks" person.  He talked about stuff he did today that he REALLY didn't want to but he forced himself to because it had to be done.  It's nice for him to be giving me credit for the positive aspects of his personality.  Now if I could only get him to pray and turn to God I think his entire life would turn around.....I'm not giving up on that!

My younger son and I ---well the God part is huge with us.  We look at things the same way nearly all the time.  Our conversations are similar to the one I just relayed with my oldest, but I've come to expect that from our talks. He and I discuss our emotions much more than the average person. We have always had similar attitudes about things, but today it really hit me once again how very blessed I am to have raised these men.   They are proof to me that not all men are stoic or emotionless.  Not all men are stubborn or too prideful to admit their true vulnerabilities.  Maybe they're not like that with everyone, true.  But they are like that with the people that matter to them---the people they love and trust.  They are so compassionate with me, and their sister.

They both always ask how I am and truly take the time to listen.  They're my closest confidants.  I miss their physical presence so much during this quarantine.  I miss their handsome faces and their amazing hugs.  I miss their smiles and just absorbing their energy.  I miss the way they smell.  It brings me back to the days when they were little and how every minute of my day was spent taking care of their needs, including their education.  I see all these parents complaining about having their kids home and having to home school and I just feel jealous.  I would give anything to go back to that time again, knowing what I know now.  Knowing they would turn into these incredible men and that they would still love me with all their hearts and we would be friends.  I understand a lot of these parents are working from home and don't have the time to devote that I did, but still.  To be able to build Legos again and play dough and paint and build forts---even for just a day.  To remember their smells and wipe those tiny little hands after they eat.  To see those bedhead faces and smiles when they came downstairs in the morning.  Dancing in the kitchen to our favorite songs.  I'm missing that so much during this time.  It sucks that because they had to grow up, so did I.

Right now, I feel like we're growing together.  I am open about my feelings of being lost at this time in life.  Not knowing what's next for me and being confused about the whole thing.  We help each other navigate the whole thing, this thing we call life.  God willing we will continue to do so for the rest of my life.  I love watching them become the men I knew they could be...and I thank God every single day for the gift of their presence in my life.  Most women pray for a man like their daddy----I am praying for a man like my sons.  One who will be open and honest about their feelings and own up to their mistakes and shortcomings.  One who doesn't have it all figured out and is okay admitting that and accepting help along the way.  And most importantly, one who sees the good in me, who knows my heart and accepts me exactly as I am, because after all......it's just a day in the life.

Ashes to Ashes....dust to dust....

I've been guided to write this entry a million times.  Not this specific entry but my next entry.  I have been in a self induced cave where no one has been allowed to enter.  I have never done that before.  I've always had a group of people that I relied on during difficult times in my life and I was always an open book.  So much turmoil has happened in my life over the last 10 years and gradually people that didn't make the cut fell out of my life (ok, some of them maybe I pushed them out and locked the door, but that was necessary too 😉).   I have learned so much about myself and changed so much about myself and it's still happening.  It just happens easier now.  I know that it is all part of my journey back to me.

My daughter had a friend spend the last week with us while her mom was away on business.  It was so nice to have my home filled with daily laughter.  I realized once again how much I miss that.  Don't get me wrong, it's not that my home is filled with unhappiness, it's that my home isn't full anymore, there is just the two of us--my daughter and me.  My son and daughter in law visit a lot, I see my son at least once a week.  But it's not the same as coming down the stairs and hearing my 3 blessings laughing together watching (gulp) Sponge Bob, or the Office.  Anyway....I've been traveling to Clearwater 3 or 4 times a month to see my older son and those drives are long and provoke a lot of thoughts.  This week I was excited, thinking about an upcoming trip where the fab four will be reunited once again.  I remembered so many trips that the four of us went on over the years, the way we worked as a well oiled machine and I started to weep.  I think, for the first time in a very long time we might be able to get back to that place.  Hope filled my heart and hope is something that I haven't allowed myself to feel in ages.

I realized that I talk or text my children every day.  I realized that we are still very much connected and that they are my inner circle.  When meeting with my older son's doctor this week he was pushing my son to expand his social circle.  My son just shook his head.  I felt myself get defensive.  I looked over at my ex husband and he looked emotionless.  The doctor said I know you have a great support system with your family but...  This was the first time I looked at this doctor like he didn't hang the moon.  I love this man.  I truly am so very grateful for his mere existence on this planet.  He has been able to help my son in a way that no one else has.  But, he just didn't GET my family.  Why do we need outsiders when we give each other all that we need?  That we can TRUST each other like you can't trust outsiders.  That we GET each other like other people can't.  I guess we're weird.  And yes, I agree I want my son to have at least one person, outside of our family that he can turn to and have fun with.  But I just felt protective.  It made me think about my entire life and I realized that I usually only have 2 or 3 people maximum outside of my own family who I actually think of as my people.  My children have been that way too.  Is that wrong?  Why does society judge people on how many friends or followers they have?  I think it's wrong.  It's not about having a gang of people it's about having the RIGHT ones.

My daughter has her first true relationship.  He....is....amazing!  He is exactly what I have prayed for since she was born.  He's kind, sweet, respectful, handsome, athletic, honest, and loyal.  From the moment I met him I knew he would not break my little girls heart.  I told her she better not break his.  He was texting me the other day and I realized how lucky I am.  My ex boyfriends never had conversations with my parents and they certainly never initiated them!  My daughter in law fit into our family so easily from the beginning. She and I love spending time together and I look at her as a friend who happens to be married to my son.  Now my daughter is starting her journey and she's chosen someone who values her relationship with me and her brothers and has a really good relationship with his family as well.  See?  It's not about having a lot of people, it's about having the right ones!

I have stepped up my prayers for my oldest.  I often wonder why he has had to endure the things he has had to.  Unfortunately, he has a very sour view on marriage and relationships after having his heart broken in college and from my marriage.  He said his father asked him the other day "what do you think happened with me and mom?"  My son reminded him of an incident in 2008 when I started sleeping on the couch.  I had forgotten all about the betrayal that started the true end of my marriage because a. I had been done for a long time and b. I am a forgiving person and I guess I do forgive and forget.  It is sad to me that my son remembered (and reminded his father, since he apparently had forgotten as well and I'm sure thought it was something I did 😏).  This prompted a walk down memory lane on that drive home and I remembered with agonizing clarity moments when I thought I could not ever recover from the pain and shambles that life had become at that moment. I often wondered why some people have more than their fair share of suffering in this lifetime.  And maybe, just maybe, my son is right when he thinks that he is meant to just suffer in this lifetime.

The other day I had lunch with my dear friend Nancy.  At one point she got teary and said "You are so strong".  I looked at her with my head tilted (we weren't even really talking about everything that has been going on in my life) and I asked her why she said that.  She said "You just have gone through...well you have a LOT on you".   That got me to thinking about the fact that maybe I am not meant to have the happily ever after and maybe I am supposed to suffer as well.  But that doesn't feel right in my soul.  I know that can't be true, I have too much faith to believe that.  And that's when I read/heard (my new thing is having the audio book AND the print book so I can multitask) this. I could never put it as clearly as Lysa Terkeurst did in her book "It's Not Supposed to be this Way" so I'm going to share her words with you and hope you get the same AHA moment as I did...she was discussing how we were formed from dust and when you are shattered you become dust once again, and God uses that dust to remold you into the masterpiece you are destined to become....

I learned about these very necessary “pieces and parts” one day with a friend whose mother is a professional potter.

I was sharing with her about how, when we place the dust of our shattered places into God’s hands and He mixes it with His living water, the clay that’s formed can then be made into anything. She smiled so big. She’d seen clay being formed into many beautiful things when placed into her mother’s hands. And she shared something with me that made my jaw drop.

She told me that wise potters not only know how to form beautiful things from clay, but they also know how important it is to add some of the dust from previously broken pieces of pottery to the new clay. This type of dust is called “grog.”

When shattered just right, the grog dust added to the new clay will enable the potter to form the clay into a larger and stronger vessel than ever before. And it can go through fires much hotter as well. Plus, when glazed, these pieces end up having a much more beautiful, artistic look to them than they would have otherwise.  

A broken potsherd can lie on the ground and be nothing more than a constant reminder of brokenness. It can also be used to continue to scrape us and hurt us even more when kept in our hands. Or, when placed in our Master’s hands, the Master Potter can be entrusted to take that potsherd, shatter it just right, and then use it in the re-molding of us to make us stronger and even more beautiful.When I understood this, I saw that in all my circumstances God was keeping me moldable while adding even more strength and beauty in the process. 

I wanted to share this with my son and give him hope for his future, but I know he's not ready to hear this yet.  He needs to learn it for himself, the way I had.  But it at least gave me hope for him....and for me too.  For me I just need to make sense of the why things happen the way they do....I need to understand so I can move on and accept....and this helps me do that.  Because after all.....it's just a day in the life.

Let me tell you about the newest addition to our family....

WRITTEN 1/19/19 PUBLISHED 1/4/20


I've written a few blog posts dedicated to all of my children.  I've written one addressed to my son's future wife....but that was before she was here.  Today...I need to write about my daughter in love....my son's lovely wife.

First off, let me say that praying for your children's future spouse truly works!  My daughter in law is by far the most perfect match for my son.  They are young, 21 and 20.  Some would say too young to be married but I'm a firm believer in "when you know you know" and follow your heart.  My daughter in law (I need to find a better term for that) left the only life she had ever known at the young age of 19 to move across the country to be with my son.  She had no idea that an engagement ring waited for her a few short weeks later, she just followed her heart and God's guidance.  She continues to do so while they navigate through this journey of life together, hand in hand.

Yesterday, while my son started his Real Estate training I got to spend the day with her.  I forgot just how much I missed our time together.  I speak to my son almost daily, but she isn't as much of a texter as he is and we fell back into our pattern of random texts without much depth.  Yesterday she came to work with me and we had lunch together and it was just so amazing.  I tear up just feeling the gratitude in my heart for this young woman and the way she handles life.  I could learn so much from her!  Most would think it was the other way around and I'm sure I've taught her a few things along the way but she is so inspirational.  My son is extremely intense.  He's incredible and smart and motivated and funny and loving....but extremely intense.  He also is extremely reliant on his support system...which used to be me but has now switched to his wife.  I drilled that into his head from a young age---your wife comes first!  And now, I see he listened.  She is his everything, he adores her, worships her, builds his life around and for her...but with that comes intense pressure and she handles it with grace and ease.  I'm crazy about her.

Spending just that brief time yesterday with her we reconnected and strengthened our relationship just like that.  Last night she sat at the island while I made dinner, just the way she used to and my heart was so happy.  How lucky am I ?  I would like to think I'm a pretty good Mother in Law but that would be for her to decide.  But when God was giving out daughter in laws, I'm certain he gave me the best