Ashes to Ashes....dust to dust....

I've been guided to write this entry a million times.  Not this specific entry but my next entry.  I have been in a self induced cave where no one has been allowed to enter.  I have never done that before.  I've always had a group of people that I relied on during difficult times in my life and I was always an open book.  So much turmoil has happened in my life over the last 10 years and gradually people that didn't make the cut fell out of my life (ok, some of them maybe I pushed them out and locked the door, but that was necessary too 😉).   I have learned so much about myself and changed so much about myself and it's still happening.  It just happens easier now.  I know that it is all part of my journey back to me.

My daughter had a friend spend the last week with us while her mom was away on business.  It was so nice to have my home filled with daily laughter.  I realized once again how much I miss that.  Don't get me wrong, it's not that my home is filled with unhappiness, it's that my home isn't full anymore, there is just the two of us--my daughter and me.  My son and daughter in law visit a lot, I see my son at least once a week.  But it's not the same as coming down the stairs and hearing my 3 blessings laughing together watching (gulp) Sponge Bob, or the Office.  Anyway....I've been traveling to Clearwater 3 or 4 times a month to see my older son and those drives are long and provoke a lot of thoughts.  This week I was excited, thinking about an upcoming trip where the fab four will be reunited once again.  I remembered so many trips that the four of us went on over the years, the way we worked as a well oiled machine and I started to weep.  I think, for the first time in a very long time we might be able to get back to that place.  Hope filled my heart and hope is something that I haven't allowed myself to feel in ages.

I realized that I talk or text my children every day.  I realized that we are still very much connected and that they are my inner circle.  When meeting with my older son's doctor this week he was pushing my son to expand his social circle.  My son just shook his head.  I felt myself get defensive.  I looked over at my ex husband and he looked emotionless.  The doctor said I know you have a great support system with your family but...  This was the first time I looked at this doctor like he didn't hang the moon.  I love this man.  I truly am so very grateful for his mere existence on this planet.  He has been able to help my son in a way that no one else has.  But, he just didn't GET my family.  Why do we need outsiders when we give each other all that we need?  That we can TRUST each other like you can't trust outsiders.  That we GET each other like other people can't.  I guess we're weird.  And yes, I agree I want my son to have at least one person, outside of our family that he can turn to and have fun with.  But I just felt protective.  It made me think about my entire life and I realized that I usually only have 2 or 3 people maximum outside of my own family who I actually think of as my people.  My children have been that way too.  Is that wrong?  Why does society judge people on how many friends or followers they have?  I think it's wrong.  It's not about having a gang of people it's about having the RIGHT ones.

My daughter has her first true relationship.  He....is....amazing!  He is exactly what I have prayed for since she was born.  He's kind, sweet, respectful, handsome, athletic, honest, and loyal.  From the moment I met him I knew he would not break my little girls heart.  I told her she better not break his.  He was texting me the other day and I realized how lucky I am.  My ex boyfriends never had conversations with my parents and they certainly never initiated them!  My daughter in law fit into our family so easily from the beginning. She and I love spending time together and I look at her as a friend who happens to be married to my son.  Now my daughter is starting her journey and she's chosen someone who values her relationship with me and her brothers and has a really good relationship with his family as well.  See?  It's not about having a lot of people, it's about having the right ones!

I have stepped up my prayers for my oldest.  I often wonder why he has had to endure the things he has had to.  Unfortunately, he has a very sour view on marriage and relationships after having his heart broken in college and from my marriage.  He said his father asked him the other day "what do you think happened with me and mom?"  My son reminded him of an incident in 2008 when I started sleeping on the couch.  I had forgotten all about the betrayal that started the true end of my marriage because a. I had been done for a long time and b. I am a forgiving person and I guess I do forgive and forget.  It is sad to me that my son remembered (and reminded his father, since he apparently had forgotten as well and I'm sure thought it was something I did 😏).  This prompted a walk down memory lane on that drive home and I remembered with agonizing clarity moments when I thought I could not ever recover from the pain and shambles that life had become at that moment. I often wondered why some people have more than their fair share of suffering in this lifetime.  And maybe, just maybe, my son is right when he thinks that he is meant to just suffer in this lifetime.

The other day I had lunch with my dear friend Nancy.  At one point she got teary and said "You are so strong".  I looked at her with my head tilted (we weren't even really talking about everything that has been going on in my life) and I asked her why she said that.  She said "You just have gone through...well you have a LOT on you".   That got me to thinking about the fact that maybe I am not meant to have the happily ever after and maybe I am supposed to suffer as well.  But that doesn't feel right in my soul.  I know that can't be true, I have too much faith to believe that.  And that's when I read/heard (my new thing is having the audio book AND the print book so I can multitask) this. I could never put it as clearly as Lysa Terkeurst did in her book "It's Not Supposed to be this Way" so I'm going to share her words with you and hope you get the same AHA moment as I did...she was discussing how we were formed from dust and when you are shattered you become dust once again, and God uses that dust to remold you into the masterpiece you are destined to become....

I learned about these very necessary “pieces and parts” one day with a friend whose mother is a professional potter.

I was sharing with her about how, when we place the dust of our shattered places into God’s hands and He mixes it with His living water, the clay that’s formed can then be made into anything. She smiled so big. She’d seen clay being formed into many beautiful things when placed into her mother’s hands. And she shared something with me that made my jaw drop.

She told me that wise potters not only know how to form beautiful things from clay, but they also know how important it is to add some of the dust from previously broken pieces of pottery to the new clay. This type of dust is called “grog.”

When shattered just right, the grog dust added to the new clay will enable the potter to form the clay into a larger and stronger vessel than ever before. And it can go through fires much hotter as well. Plus, when glazed, these pieces end up having a much more beautiful, artistic look to them than they would have otherwise.  

A broken potsherd can lie on the ground and be nothing more than a constant reminder of brokenness. It can also be used to continue to scrape us and hurt us even more when kept in our hands. Or, when placed in our Master’s hands, the Master Potter can be entrusted to take that potsherd, shatter it just right, and then use it in the re-molding of us to make us stronger and even more beautiful.When I understood this, I saw that in all my circumstances God was keeping me moldable while adding even more strength and beauty in the process. 

I wanted to share this with my son and give him hope for his future, but I know he's not ready to hear this yet.  He needs to learn it for himself, the way I had.  But it at least gave me hope for him....and for me too.  For me I just need to make sense of the why things happen the way they do....I need to understand so I can move on and accept....and this helps me do that.  Because after all.....it's just a day in the life.