And I'm still trying to understand how a boy became a man

If you've been following me for any length of time you know that I'm a bit obsessed with my sons.  I have had different relationships with both of them.  They are 4 years apart and I always thought they were basically as different as night and day.  They do have their differences but right now....in this moment, they have more similarities than differences.  I was in a really bad place today.  I did something to my back and I've been in a lot of pain and not really able to do anything today.  I spoke to my younger son first this morning and after convincing him that I was really fine and didn't need him to send me food or anything else we had our normal conversation.  This evening I spoke to my first born and it struck me once again how blessed I am to have these men in my life.  Excuse me while I wipe the tears away as I type this.  The relationship that I have with my boys is so precious to me I really don't think anyone understands.  Especially as they begin to share with me the things they feel they have learned/gotten from me.  My younger son and I have not had that period of our relationship where he doesn't like me.  Where he has that "wow my mother is ...fill in the blank with the negative phrase"  Yes, we have had moments but not huge periods of time.  My oldest and I have had a very rough nearly 10 years (wow...last I checked it was 5---that escalated quickly!).  Since he turned 17 our relationship really changed. He blamed me for basically everything in his life that was wrong---well it was not pleasant, it was horrible to be honest.  We even went through a period of estrangement that lasted 8 months.  At that point I never thought we would be where we are now.  During our conversation today we touched on things that we have been working through during this period of global reset.  It struck me that the three of us are all going through similar periods of clearing, healing and growth.  We discussed things that we have been mulling over and I was relaying a huge time when I had to release things when I was close to his age.  He (in his wisdom) said, "Ma, I'm pretty sure they were threatened by you.  Which is really funny to me, because it's kinda like being threatened by Winnie the Pooh.  Like, Winnie the Pooh walks up and they're like "did you see how he said "oh bother"????    To some that might not make sense or even matter.  But to me????  It struck me in the heart twofold....1.  I decorated his nursery in Winnie the Pooh---I love Winnie the Pooh----and he has never ever mentioned Winnie the Pooh.  2.  Him saying this means he sees me through my heart and my kindness---which hasn't always been the case.  It melted me, honestly.  He told me today that he credits me with his positive side, whenever he is able to be positive and happy in the midst of chaos or negativity, he says "I get that from my mom."....if he only knew how much that means to me.  He also told me that I am the "time to buckle down and do it, even if you don't want to and it sucks" person.  He talked about stuff he did today that he REALLY didn't want to but he forced himself to because it had to be done.  It's nice for him to be giving me credit for the positive aspects of his personality.  Now if I could only get him to pray and turn to God I think his entire life would turn around.....I'm not giving up on that!

My younger son and I ---well the God part is huge with us.  We look at things the same way nearly all the time.  Our conversations are similar to the one I just relayed with my oldest, but I've come to expect that from our talks. He and I discuss our emotions much more than the average person. We have always had similar attitudes about things, but today it really hit me once again how very blessed I am to have raised these men.   They are proof to me that not all men are stoic or emotionless.  Not all men are stubborn or too prideful to admit their true vulnerabilities.  Maybe they're not like that with everyone, true.  But they are like that with the people that matter to them---the people they love and trust.  They are so compassionate with me, and their sister.

They both always ask how I am and truly take the time to listen.  They're my closest confidants.  I miss their physical presence so much during this quarantine.  I miss their handsome faces and their amazing hugs.  I miss their smiles and just absorbing their energy.  I miss the way they smell.  It brings me back to the days when they were little and how every minute of my day was spent taking care of their needs, including their education.  I see all these parents complaining about having their kids home and having to home school and I just feel jealous.  I would give anything to go back to that time again, knowing what I know now.  Knowing they would turn into these incredible men and that they would still love me with all their hearts and we would be friends.  I understand a lot of these parents are working from home and don't have the time to devote that I did, but still.  To be able to build Legos again and play dough and paint and build forts---even for just a day.  To remember their smells and wipe those tiny little hands after they eat.  To see those bedhead faces and smiles when they came downstairs in the morning.  Dancing in the kitchen to our favorite songs.  I'm missing that so much during this time.  It sucks that because they had to grow up, so did I.

Right now, I feel like we're growing together.  I am open about my feelings of being lost at this time in life.  Not knowing what's next for me and being confused about the whole thing.  We help each other navigate the whole thing, this thing we call life.  God willing we will continue to do so for the rest of my life.  I love watching them become the men I knew they could be...and I thank God every single day for the gift of their presence in my life.  Most women pray for a man like their daddy----I am praying for a man like my sons.  One who will be open and honest about their feelings and own up to their mistakes and shortcomings.  One who doesn't have it all figured out and is okay admitting that and accepting help along the way.  And most importantly, one who sees the good in me, who knows my heart and accepts me exactly as I am, because after all......it's just a day in the life.