Jesus take the wheel, take it from my hands

 This morning my daughter took the wheel and I was forced to surrender control and so many things came together in that 15 mile drive.  We joked - Jesus take the wheel - and as we were driving I realized how much I am on autopilot when I drive and honestly in my life. She thanked me for being patient, but I did not feel patient.  My cousin texted Jesus take the wheel and I laughed at the repetitive message God was sending.  I believe in God's magic, His ability to change things in a moment - to perform miracles.  I have just lost hope that those will be to my benefit.

I began last week with some fated meetings at the airport and in the hotel lobby during my trip to Arizona to shower my future granddaughter with love and presents.  It reminded me how God has a plan and certain meetings and people are brought into your life in an instant.  I was full of hope and excitement about what these meetings could bring in the future. By the time this week ended I realized my intuition is broken and nothing that I really believed was going to happen is happening. But I was reminded to once again hand everything over to God and to give up my vision for my life and my children's lives for His vision.  Jesus take the wheel.

I realized that my heart has grown cold and I don't allow myself to feel the way I used to.  Until I saw

my son waiting at the gate for my arrival.  One look at his handsome face and the tears flowed.  My heart swelled and ached with missing him at the same time.  He has a life now that I am really not apart of and I was reminded of how my parents must have felt every time they stepped off a plane to me and my children who had grown since the last time they saw them.  It is really difficult to imagine that I was so oblivious to how they were feeling because I was consumed with how I was feeling.  I realized the next time I see him he will be a father and I will be coming to see my beautiful Granddaughter.  The thought of that makes me break down in tears and his entire life flashes before my eyes.  When he was born, kindergarten graduation, baseball games, first communion/confirmation, hospital visits, surgeries, high school graduation, leaving the airport after dropping him at college, moving away again and again, his wedding - how is that all behind us?  I had time alone with him and time with just him and his sister and I remembered how it used to be.  How is that time gone?  And normally I embrace each phase as it comes and as excited as I am to be a Gigi, I would give anything to go back in time and live my children's childhoods over again.  I have never felt that way before and thank God, because it is heartbreaking.

I have never lived with regret, and I still don't.  I don't regret anything except believing my intuition

about certain situations.  It was wrong so many times I am realizing.  I thought maybe my intuition was just behind divine timing playing out.  But I am realizing what I thought was intuition was just merely wishful thinking.  So now what?  Where do I go from here?  This week the term hobby was thrown around a bit.  What are your hobbies?  Hmmm.  Good question.  One I do not have an answer to.  Should I?  Do I need to develop hobbies?  It got me to thinking and I started asking people what are your hobbies?  I realize women have way less than men.  Men will say golf, fishing, running, hiking, gardening, insert a sport.  When I ask women they pause - and most don't have an answer.  Why?  I think it's because women as a whole focus more on relationships then on hobbies - maybe I am being sexist or some other non-politically correct thought.  But at the moment that is how I feel.  I have poured my entire life into relationships - partner, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, friend and I have realized that no one treasures those relationships with me like I do with them.  I have spent the last several years focusing on myself and building my sense of self worth and pursuing what makes me happy.  But I am who I am and who I am is a woman who loves so fucking deeply and who will never receive that same love back no matter what the relationship.  And now?  I am okay with that.  It is who I am and I am done apologizing for it.  The difference is now I don't forget to love myself and accept myself for who I am, even if no one else does- I know what I bring to the table and I know that the people I choose to keep in my life and give that love to are lucky to have it.  And those who have lost that, well sucks to be you honestly because you'll never find that commitment, caring and love again.  My oldest son told me the other day I love mommy 2.0 - me too son; me too!

I realized my level of gratitude for the things God has provided has been lacking.  I have been in a place of sadness and disappointment for things that will never be and things that once were that are gone now.  It is time to count my blessings again and even if they don't look the way I hoped, I've been gifted another day in the life.

Homeward bound, I wish I was...homeward bound....

 

Home is where the heart is....this is a completely accurate statement.  Over the last few years I have gotten this overwhelming feeling every once in a while that I want to go home.  It was confusing to me, because most times I was home.  It happened enough that I felt like I had to delve deeper into what it meant to me.  At first I thought it was an energetic feeling coming from someone that felt that I was home---but I have discovered that was not it.  Then I thought, maybe it is heaven---maybe I wanted to go be with God in my heavenly home.  That did not feel right either.  I think I have figured it out.  I want to go back in time to when my children were all home with me under one roof.  Before school happened (the older two were homeschooled), before cancer, or other medical issues, or divorce touched our lives.  When every day was ours, just ours to do whatever we wanted.  When I could solve every problem they had and I had the responsibility to keep them happy and fed and well rested.  Life was so simple then.

I spoke to my sister about it, she said when she feels that way, for her it is going back to living in my parents home--when summer days were long and lazy.  I don't want to relive my childhood---I want to relive my childrens.  Although I am enjoying this phase of life where I have more freedom personally, I crave the days of snuggling under blankets watching movies and making memories.  My heart literally aches when I think about it.  And now, we are separated in different states as well as different homes.  

I also think it is more to do with who I was when they were little.  I miss HER too.  She had so much passion and love in her heart.  She loved fiercely *pause to take a phone call from my youngest son--yes there was bawling on my part*  Ok, she still loves fiercely---it's just different.  Everything is different.  It is not bad, just different.  I love the relationships I have built with my children. I treasure it!  I only wish I could go back with the knowledge of how amazing our relationships would be.  I would have enjoyed it even more.

Well, my entire mood has shifted after talking to my creme filling child.  How amazing that my children are my best friends?  How blessed and lucky am I?  That is why I miss those times, when it was just the four of us--in our own little bubble.  Luckily, I did cherish those moments while they were happening.   And I still get glimpses when we are all together.  But, as I am realizing, nothing lasts forever.  Not the good or the bad. I guess I have not gotten better at letting go of the picture of life the way I want it instead of what it is.  Although, back then I never thought past that day.  I never thought about what it would be like when they grew up.  I just loved the moments.  And that is why I do not like change.  And I feel the changes will be coming more consistently and I am not sure I am ready.

My hope is that where ever I am, my children will always consider that home.  Because my heart belongs to them and they will always be my home no matter what day in the life it is.....

Someday I hope you get the chance, to live like you were dying....

 

Well, it's been quite a week.  My heart is hurting and my mind has been spinning and I'm not sure if I'll be able to get this into words, but here goes.

Two weeks ago I gave up.  I realized that it didn't really matter if the end of life was coming because honestly, what was the point?  I have spent the majority of my life looking on the bright side, turning negatives into positives and making the best of unanswered prayers and focusing on the ones that were answered.  Age has always been just a number to me, but during that time I was getting really sad and upset that I would be turning 56 in a few months and my life didn't look anything like I thought it would and I didn't see any change in that in the future.  I decided to shut down from social media, my phone, pretty much everything.  I started to realize how alone I really am.  Yes, it was a pity party, but I deserved it.  I realized how I am always there when someone needs me, but when I reach out or I need someone most people's responses are based on what is going on in their world.  Not being a priority is a trigger of mine----because I make those I love my first priority always.  So, as what has become the norm these past 10 years, my circle became smaller.  I learn a lot about myself during these times, but honestly?  I'm tired of the self reflection, self work, self change.  It's enough already---when is it enough?

I had a conversation with my dad about my view on this whole virus and I told him----you raised me to know that when it's my time to go, it's my time to go and I'm okay with that.  I started thinking that my kids would be fine and they had each other.  It was a really, really DARK place.  Then I realized when I tried to call on my Angels and bubble myself in a blue bubble of protection---I couldn't see.  I could not see color---everything was grey and dark.  That had never happened before.  It scared me.  I realized I hadn't called on my Angels in a really long time.  A conversation with my first born inspired me to go back to that place.  He insisted if I could bring HIM to spirituality than I could do anything.  That boy is saving my life the way he did when he was born.  He made me a mom---my true purpose and now he was bringing me back to life again.  Just in time too, because this past week was a rough one.

I received information that my very first boyfriend when I was in 7th grade was battling pancreatic cancer, and not doing well.  He was the sweetest, curly haired boy with a smile that could move mountains.  I remember our brief "relationship" and a field trip we took to an amusement park and how we held hands on the bus and the music that was playing during that trip.  We touched base a few years ago and reminisced about his mom's religion class where we met and that infamous trip.  He used to carry my books and he was honestly just the kindest boy.  Looking back, he was too nice to me---I didn't handle that well for many, many years.  When we were in high school he was one of the most popular boys in school and always was a special memory to me.  A few months ago I woke up in the middle of the night and thought I needed to reach out to him.   I didn't.  I didn't even look up his social media or I would have realized he deleted them.  Now I know why he came to my mind after all this time.  He is sick.  His attitude is fabulous, he welcomes messages and calls and is going to be an inspiration to many I know! I instantly chastised myself for worrying about turning 56 when my childhood friend was fighting to see 56!  How selfish of me!  I began to count my blessings and work on reconnecting to my angels and working on a project my son has been urging me to undertake.

Than, yesterday morning I received news that a boy I grew up with passed away while flying from Florida to New York unexpectedly.  He was an incredible husband and father!  I have been friends with his wife since the 80's and I connected with his daughter through my Chat With Your Angels page, I have done some readings for her.  How could this be?  This man who devoted his life to his family, gone in an instant.   I just can't get past it.  This tough kid who used to tease me all the time in Elementary school is gone.....

 What am I doing? Life is too short to spend doing anything but what makes you happy.  It is time to start counting my blessings again.  Time to thank God for every single day!  I broke out the gratitude journal which has been dormant for a while, I am setting aside time to work on my angel project with my son encouraging me just enough to keep me going.  I lost that girl, but these 2 men from my childhood will inspire me to make sure I don't lose her again.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today----No day should ever be JUST a day in the life......cherish each one.  

Like a fool I am and I'll always be....I've got a dream, I've got a dream

 There was a time when seeing these signs would fill me with such joy and conviction.  Today?  I think...hmmm ok, so the path I'm on, does it include an oncoming train?  Because the light I keep being told is around the corner?  I'm pretty damn sure that's what's coming.

I know I'm supposed to somehow encourage people with this blog...and with my Chat with your Angels page.  But honestly?  Not in that place right now.  Sorry.  Maybe knowing that even someone with a Mary Sunshine, Snow White attitude can fall and be unsure too will help someone else....

I live my life always looking for the bright side...the positive in every negative.  But quite frankly?  I'm sick to death of it.  Every time I think things are getting better I get slammed with a bunch more negative things that quite honestly?  At this moment?  I'm just not equipped to handle anymore.  Getting out of bed lately is a chore.  I don't want to face the day.  I meditate and journal and pray and that gives me just enough to turn the coffee pot on. I thank God every single morning and night for all the blessings I have, because I KNOW there are a lot of them.  But the joy, peace, happiness that I was so sure was the future?  It's just not there anymore.  There was a time when I was excited that my future was not predictable.  Moving out of the home I shared with my ex husband....was exilirating!   Moving across the country to Florida with my kids?  Again...amazing....freeing....and now?  I'm preparing for another move....just a few states away this time, but still.  New place, new environment....it's exciting.  But there are opportunities that keep showing themselves to me and make me wonder if I'm supposed to stay here.  Like a toddler I want to kick and scream and say I DON'T WANNNNNNAAAAAA.  Cross my arms over my chest and hrmph...NO!  But then I get scared...what if this is wrong?  What if I'm supposed to wait?  What if this is my path?  What if my happily ever after is not part of the plan?  Then I get the signs above ^^^and normally I would be like okey dokey then....let's get packing.  But now?  I doubt everything.  I doubt my ability to be a good mom, to be anything to anyone.  My company is really wanting me to stay here...and being wanted, well that's a huge trigger for me.  Having someone not want to lose you?  That's pretty enticing.  My self worth is in the toilet these days so knowing I'm a "valuable asset" makes me doubt my decisions.

I went to a hypnosis meditation group the other night and part of it was to put yourself back to your 10 year old self, then your 15 year old self.  What did you want to be?  Who was your best friend?  What did you like to do?  I have always wanted to be a wife and a mother.  That has always been my goal and my purpose.  I realized I wanted to be like MY mother....and I wanted a marriage like my parents.  My mother did everything so selflessly for all of us.  I modeled myself after her.  My marriage did not turn out like my parents.  Quite the opposite.  My children, I can confidently say at this moment in time, all love me and know there is nothing I would not do for them.  It feels good to be able to say that again. My oldest and I are still not communicating, but I have it from a reliable source that that is about to change.   But 2 of the 3 of them are adults now.  So, what now?  What is my goal now?

The meditation group was all about releasing that which no longer serves you.  Limiting beliefs that hold you back.  I wasn't sure I had any, but during the meditation it came to me so clearly.  I'm not good enough.  That's my biggest one.  The tears flowed down my face in this room of strangers all lying on their yoga mats.  I thought I had overcome that one.  I really did.  I felt worthy of all the good things I truly believed were coming my way.  But honestly?  How many times can I be rejected and ignored and denied before I realize that I'm NOT good enough apparently.  After the meditation was over one of the participants came over and touched my arm and he said to me "I'm not sure what your limitations are but for what it's worth you seem pretty perfect" I stared at him blankly because um, huh?  I didn't say a word.  He continued and said he noticed the change in my energy from when I came in and was chatty and bubbly to now when I looked like I lost my best friend.  I thanked him for the sweetness and went on my way.  I would like to say it made a difference, but it didn't.  I have a lot of people who tell me I have great energy, blah blah blah.  What good does it do me?  Every time I move ahead and try to find the peace and happiness that I so desperately crave it's taken away from me.  Whether it's health issues or financial issues or logistics of the upcoming move.  I'm tired.  The days are flying by and I don't feel like any progress is being made in my life.  I've been trying to make sure I pack at least a box a day...I can't seem to even focus enough to make a list.



Wow.  That was written on April 12th 2018-----I had saved it as a draft.  I guess I wasn't ready to share that with the world.  I'm ready now. For the record I took the job with my company---I stayed in Florida and it was the best decision I could have made.  I love my job!  It is challenging and rewarding and it's exactly what I needed and I'm so glad I followed my guidance instead of that toddler that was insisting she didn't wannnnnnnaaaaaaaaa.   I'm in a completely different place *most* of the time.   I can confidently say that that meditation worked.  I no longer feel like I'm not enough--- ever.  I cleared that and released that and I feel very confident in my worthiness---only took nearly 55 years, not bad 😏  I am now in a place of taking life one day at a time.  I no longer look towards the future to bring me happiness.  I find joy in almost every day.  Even if it's a tiny sliver.  I make time for myself and for things that bring me joy.  Because I'm worth it-----and so are you!  What are you putting off until tomorrow that you could do today to bring you happiness?  What brings joy to your soul?  If you can't muster joy why not try something that makes you feel better than you did yesterday?  If you do that every day you'll be feeling joy daily in no time.  A very important fact I've discovered that I was never able to do until now is not to put that happiness in a person or a place or a thing.  Nothing that can be taken away from you---that's a recipe for disaster!  Find joy in things that you have control over---read a book, call a friend, cook, bake, exercise, write, watch a favorite show, take a drive--- you get the drift.  I try to find one thing every day that I look forward to and if my day gets off track I remind myself of that one thing I'm looking forward to.  It makes all the difference.  Try it.  Now.  Not tomorrow, not next week.....now.  Let me know how it works for you?  Because after all----it's truly a day in the life 💓

Who needs a prince?

I am very very hard on myself.  I am also hard on those I love...I expect a lot from them, especially my children.  I'm working on it.  I'm getting better every day.  Learning to let go and free myself of these expectations, letting go of the picture in my head of how life is supposed to be is a difficult yet necessary task.  I am a work in progress and some days I just can't seem to find the balance and others (like today) I balance it perfectly.  I want more days like today and I'm determined to make sure I have them.

I am technically on vacation right now, although I am still working (actually working twice my normal hours) and in addition to that running to Doctor's appointments with my mom and food shopping daily and menu planning and cooking and cleaning---for some reason it feels different.  I'm enjoying it (well, minus the doctor's appointments) because it's all that I'm focusing on.  When I'm home, I always seem to have a million other things pulling at me.  Here at my parent's house I only need to focus on the immediate things that need to be done.  It feels good to take care of people and have them want me to.  My sons are growing into men and they don't want me fussing over them anymore.  I am a fusser, I can't help it.  I like taking care of my loved ones--at one point in my life it's how I gave myself worth.  That's not the case anymore but I still like to do it.  I guess part of me always wanted someone to fuss over me---not that I would know how to handle that, but I think at this stage of my life I'd like to try.

I was in such a bad place the last two days, so sad and feeling numb and as I watched my daughter in the pool I thought---amazing--she can have fun all by herself just using her imagination.  I listened to her make believe game of mermaids and sharks and I remembered summers of my youth where I did the exact same thing!  I remember pretending I was a mermaid and I got trapped in a cage by an evil villain and of course my handsome prince rescued me.  That's where it all started...my lifetime of waiting for that handsome prince to save me from myself.  My daughter doesn't need that prince--she rescues herself and I love that!  Being a child of divorce I sometimes worry about how she will be when she finally has her first love, her first relationship---will she be needy and clingy like I was?  I don't think so!  See, she is seeing the woman I am now, the woman who handles everything and doesn't ask for anyone's approval.  She is boy crazy, don't get me wrong --- she definitely wants that happily every after, but she isn't looking for it to save her and Amen to that!  Anyway, I digress.....

The reason for this entry was that I realized, while I was watching her, that I never really just let go and enjoy life.  I'm always reserved for some reason, even when I'm having fun it's not that uninhibited fun that I had as a kid.  So I set out to make a bucket list.  A list of things I want to do in the next however many years, to enrich my life and have fun!  I've come a long way because the list started flowing easily.  It was inspired this morning when I woke up and I decided I was going to have a better day and a better life!  No more waiting for that handsome prince -I was going to save myself.  And today, when I took my daughter swimming guess who got in the pool and showed her how to do front flips and back flips and handstands and handsprings?  That's right---this mama!  She had so much fun and so did I, I felt like a kid again.  Of course, my body IS still 49 so I'm not sure the handsprings were such a good idea (my back says it definitely wasn't) but it's just the beginning....and it's just a day in the life xoxox

Cleaning....is it really necessary?

Let me start by saying that I grew up in an IMMACULATE home....you could eat off the floors at any given moment and there was never any clutter anywhere!  I never thought about it, it's just the way it was.  If I'm being honest I never cared.  Probably because I wasn't the one doing the cleaning.  I also remember that whenever I was given a chore to do (rarely) my mother always redid it.  That was the beginning of my self-esteem issues and the fact that I often feel like nothing I do is ever good enough.  I also felt like a clean house was too important to my mother.  I remember asking her if we could do something and it would always be prefaced by I have to vacuum first or whatever chore had to be accomplished.  I promised myself that when I had children I would never do that.  And I didn't.  I went a bit too the opposite side and my house was often messy when they were little, but I could not put the emphasis on cleaning that my mother had.

I may sound like I'm judging here, and that's not my intent, but I feel like people who obsess over how clean their homes are could be avoiding dealing with things beyond their control.  Cleaning the bathroom is something you can control, you don't have to think about it.  It's matter of fact.  And it makes you feel good about yourself---I always feel better when the house is clean.  However, dealing with my daughter's issue with the class bully is not as cut and dry.  Sometimes, I'd rather throw myself into cleaning the baseboards then deal with the emotions and feelings of my teenager--because I can't fix that and tie it into a nice clean package.  It's messy, and exhausting and doesn't always wind up the way I want.  However, the dirt will be there tomorrow and my kids will not always be!  The vacuum will not remember the bonding time we shared---my kids will!

The other day I overheard a conversation between two women bragging over how much they clean, I have a friend that will have a 20 minute conversation with you about how she washed her walls...BOOOORRRRRIIINNNG!  People pride themselves on how sparking clean their home is, but is there any fun going on there?  Do people feel comfortable there?  Do you clean the dishes off the table immediately instead of sitting and enjoying after dinner conversation?  Is having a spotless sliding glass door more important than playing a game of Sorry with your 8 year old?  Are you too tired at the end of the day to bake some cookies with your preschooler?  What's wrong with this picture?  Don't get me wrong I am not advocating a filthy house by any means!  My house is clean, a bit messy I'll give you, but it's clean.  Is it perfection or pristine?  Absolutely not!  But guess what...who cares?  Tomorrow is another day and there will always be more dirt and mess and streaks to take care of.  But your 4 year old will only be 4 for a short time.  My 10 year old daughter will not always want to play a game or make bracelets or bake cookies with me, my 15 year old will not always want spend time watching a movie with me or talk to me about what's going on in his world, and I am completely blessed that when he comes home from college my 20 year old will spend 3 hours talking to me about everything under the sun---these moments are fleeting! Think about that the next time you tell your kids "as soon as I finish (fill in the blank)...."