No one loves you like mama does, she's the blanket that covers you up....

 To say I am emotional today would be an understatement.  I woke up filled with nervousness....not sure why.  I am not a nervous person at all.  I cannot shake it.  I did have a strange, unsettling dream but usually by now I can just let it go.  But now I have something else that is adding to my emotions, something that I don't think I will ever fully be able to shake.

I am not sure how to word this, or if I should even ever post it.  But I need to get it down on "paper" and instead of a journal my angels are guiding me to put it out there---maybe it can help someone else?  No clue.  But here goes....

I was on the phone this morning and listening to someone talk about his daughter.  He said how even though she is married and pregnant with twins, she is still his baby and he needs to take care of her.  He has a son as well and he proceeded to compare the different relationships and said "there is something about a daughter"....don't I know that.  He then said, I hope you had that....with your dad.  I fought back the tears and said "I sure did."  My dad was my hero.  He took care of me until the day he died....damn he is still taking care of me.  How fucking lucky am I?  To have had this man take care of me my entire life.  That he has left a hole in my heart, my life and the lives of my siblings and children that can never be filled.  Did he set me up to realize that no one could ever fill his shoes?  Maybe.  But still....how blessed I am that I had that safe feeling my whole life, always knowing that if I needed him---he was there.

But.....that made me think of my daughter.  And that's when the tears truly fall.  She does not have that....nor do my sons, but it is different for boys-they have their own things they have realized due to their relationship with their father, and maybe that is for another post.  But for now...it is my daughter that concerns me.  Now, not to pat myself on the back, but all 3 of my children always know that I am there for them...that I will always do whatever needs to be done for them.  I know this.  But I had 2 parents that did that.  My daughter will never know what it is like to have a daddy like mine.  She has absolutely no relationship with her ....I am not going to use the phrase she uses to describe my ex husband.  She has not wanted one since she was 10 years old.  Hell, she never wanted one after the divorce, but I encouraged it so that maybe one day I would not be feeling this way.  But after several times of me ---well---forcing her to have some type of relationship with him and her being shown over and over again that her feelings are valid--I let it go.  She is 18 now, she makes those decisions herself and now she has literally cut off all communication with him.  And she is happy.  She is the most well adjusted 18 year old I have ever met, truth be told.  So maybe it is ok....maybe she will never realize what she missed out on.  Lord knows every one of her friends does not have the type of relationship with their dad that I did, so maybe I was just truly THAT lucky.  I don't know.  

I just feel like she deserves the world.  She has truly been the most perfect child since birth.  She is the epitome of what I would want in a daughter.   When people call her my mini me (which seems to happen lately EVERY time we are out together--it is really trippy lately) she beams with pride and I think---dear God, does she even realize that I am the one that is just so honored to be her mom?  For people to compare her to me?  She is just that fabulous!  She is strong and kind and funny and smart---and yet the other person who has a genetic connection to her cannot appreciate it at all.  In his defense (if I had a dollar for EVERY time I have said that in the last 33 years I would be rich) he is incapable of doing any better than he has.  Some people just are incapable of any more.  And it is his loss for sure---

But what if some day she realizes that she didn't have it?  And it hurts her deeply?  How will I fix that?  How will I not blame myself somehow for not making it right?  I am not sure I will.  I just pray that God continues to guide her and let her just always know that she has exactly what she needs.  Because she deserves absolutely everything---and I will do whatever it takes to make sure she has that.

Because it shouldn't be just a day in the life.....not for my baby girl

They say old lovers can be good friends.....

Life just continues to twist and change.  When I first got divorced I didn't want to be in the same room as my ex husband.  It was weird and awkward and I needed to be away from him permanently.  I wanted him to have a relationship with our children that did not include me.  That did not happen.  He still tried to include me in every conversation/meeting/purchase that he made for them.  It was so frustrating to me that I just detached completely from him.  This was not what I wanted, I wanted to be able to be cordial and have an amicable divorce.  When people would see us together at events they were shocked by how well we got along.  Sure, because it didn't matter to me anymore.  I wasn't looking for anything from him but to be a father to our children.  I wasn't invested in the relationship anymore.  I had laid down my sword, so to speak.

We had a really bad patch for about 10 months where we didn't speak and it was vicious.  Things happened that I never thought would, he did things I never thought he would.  He was being influenced by people close to him that really didn't like me.  One of them our oldest son.  We got through that phase and slowly began to be friends again.  I have reached out to him a few times since he moved to Florida and he's been there for me and I am grateful.  He mentioned he had no where to go for Thanksgiving and asked what we were doing.  I told him we were going to Disney but he was welcome to come for dinner at noon.  My kids were shocked.  My sons have made peace with him and have created their own unique relationship with him.  My daughter, well she wants nothing to do with him and was less than thrilled but was accepting of it.  This week I had a huge issue with my car and I reached out to him for help.  Via text he said something that made me say wow.  you know me pretty well --- he could tell in a 4 word text that I was losing my shit.  He said obviously he did. 

He was here a week or so ago and we sat down to talk when he brought our son home.  Something came up and made us remember a trip to Disneyland when the kids were younger and he reenacted it and we were literally laughing until we cried.  My oldest and youngest looked at each other with bewildered faces.  They had no memory of what we were talking about.  It was so strange because it was like reminiscing with an old friend.  I truly forget that we were married for 23 years.  I look at him and it's like he's just someone I've known forever.  There is a comfort level there that makes certain things so easy.  We discussed Christmas and we still work like a well oiled machine when it comes to the kids.  He remembers all of those Christmases that we played Santa and I don't have to explain it.  He used to buy the kids and me an ornament every Thanksgiving to go with the Nutcracker, Snowman and Angel/Snow globe that I gave the kids.  Well the other day a box came in the mail and inside were wrapped ornaments with all of our names on them.  It was thoughtful things like that that kept me married to him for as long as I was.  He is a good person.  He means well.  He just isn't my person.  And he's not the father I thought he would have been----he's always taken care of the kids financially, but emotionally?  The relationship just isn't there.  It's sad.  Especially with my daughter---she is just perfection, she truly is.  And he doesn't know her----AT all.  And I don't know that she will ever give him a chance if he asked for it.  It's a gift to know her, truly a gift if she lets you in....and unfortunately the men that she did let in have let her down.  She's stronger for it.  She's fiercely independent and she's starting to explore the relationship world.  She's got her shit together.  Thank God.  She's got a balance of kindness and assertiveness, of compassion and no bullshit....Thankfully.

So, tomorrow....the five of us and my lovely daughter in law will have Thanksgiving dinner together for the first time in 7 years.  Will it become tradition?  I don't think so.  But I just couldn't let him be alone when there was no reason for it.  My sons will be able to watch football with their father and even though it doesn't matter to them it matters to me.  He has given me the 3 things I'm the most thankful for.  And for that I will always be grateful.

Though I tried to pretend, I knew it was the end For the autumn of my life had come at last

Thirty one years ago today a 23 year old girl woke up on her wedding day.  She had no idea what the future would hold but she was certain this was the beginning of it.  She was really sick, congested, head cold, sore throat and on antibiotics for maybe the 2nd time in her life.  Looking back that was significant, no?  At that time she was more excited about the wedding and becoming some one's wife and changing her name more than she was thinking about a marriage and what that entailed.  She lives her life with no regrets and looks back knowing that marriage had to happen in order for three incredible human beings to be born.   And that marriage was not an easy one.  It was turbulent, volatile, filled with job changes, unemployment, uncertainty, instability, misunderstandings, anger and ups and downs, 11 moves, 3 different states and finally a peaceful, easy divorce.  But the result of that marriage was worth every tear, every heartache, every disappointment and every broken promise---3 children that are so amazing it's only divine intervention that they came from that union.

I look back at that young girl and I don't recognize her.  All of the things that happened in the last 31 years changed her.  She used to be a hopeless romantic, believing that love conquers all and that there was nothing that love could not cure.  She believed in devotion and faithfulness and happily ever after.  She doesn't anymore.  She believes that everything happens for a reason.  But happily ever after?  No.  She doesn't believe in that anymore.  My marriage was not a failure, quite the opposite.  It made me who I am today, along with a handful of failed relationships since then.   Every relationship, whether romantic, family, friend or work, teaches you something.  Those people are in your life for a reason.  Recently I've had quite a few people come back into my life that I had severed ties with within the last decade.  I'm not sure why they are resurfacing but I'm assuming our lessons aren't over.  This is a pattern in my life, I'm not sure why.  And honestly, I've stopped asking why.  I've stopped trying to figure out the reasons for things.  What's the point?  It is what it is.

Obviously everyone has different paths in life.  I am beginning to believe that the best years of my life are behind me.  Raising my children, being a stay at home mom and a wife was my passion and my dream for my life.  Well that phase is over now.  What now?  Now it's just a regular life.  Now I sit back and watch my nieces and nephews and my own children begin their lives.  My sweet friend from Arizona got married again this past weekend.  She had a rough life up until this point, no denying it.  So for her and some others these are the golden years---the years they work for and pay their dues for while they're young.  For me?  Those were the golden years.  I'm always backwards, I guess this is no different.  I know there are still good times ahead and I'm very blessed by all that I have and the life that I live.  But it makes me really sad to know that life is more than half over and the best is most likely behind me.  I try not to think that way but on days like today it's inevitable.  Tomorrow I may feel differently because after all....it's just a day in the life.

All my sorrows....sad tomorrows...take me back....to my old home

One of the best things about remaining friends with your ex is that you can ask them honest questions about what your flaws are and they'll answer them.  They have nothing to lose.  My ex husband and I aren't what I'd call friends, but we are very amicable and civil to each other.  We also are there for each other when needed.  For example when our moms passed away.  We offered a shoulder for each other and really helped each other out.  I asked him today what the best part about being married to me was and the worst part as well.  The best part was sweet to hear and nice that he recognized it.  The worst part was really eye opening for me and truly helped me realize something I didn't even know was being perceived that way.  Something for me to work on and I was truly grateful for the information.  Then he told me he was seeing someone and asked me to tell the kids.  Oy vey...some things never change.  But hey, I opened up the can of worms.  Very typical of our marriage and explains a lot about why we are divorced ;)

My oldest son came to me the other day with a chocolate bar in hand.  He gave me a huge hug and told me he loved me.  He said "ya know what Woman?  We are survivors.  No matter how many times we get knocked down we always get back up again and we always have each other's backs"  Interesting.  Especially coming from him.  I was glad to see he felt that way.  Time heals wounds and my relationship with him has gone through hell and back, but he knows that I will always be there for him and that means a lot to me.

THAT ENTRY WAS WRITTEN LAST FEBRUARY 2017

Funny because I had a very long and deep conversation with my ex yesterday and decided to write about it and I came across this in my draft folder.  Hmmm. funny how life changes yet stays the same.  As I write this my oldest son and I don't have a relationship.  He's living with his dad and isn't speaking to his siblings or myself.  So much for always having each other's backs.  His siblings and I will always have his back.  If he were to pick up the phone today to call or text us we would answer it. The reverse is not true.  He would ignore all of us. That being said my younger two kids don't have a relationship with their father at the moment.  Well, my daughter hasn't had one in 6 years, but it's new for my creme filling son.  He asked me to reach out to his father for some information he needed yesterday and I did.  It lead to another soul searching, eye opening conversation between my ex husband and me.  I see things so clearly with him now and being detached from any feelings towards him or any need to spend any time with him.  I don't bite at his comments that I know are leading me to have a negative conversation. He trusts me and I'm one of the only people in his life he can vent to.  Sorry...I don't want to be that person anymore and I've learned how to avoid those conversations. I can also say anything to him and I don't have to worry about him taking it wrong or getting offended.  He also knows my history and I know his. There is a comfort in that.  It was nice to be appreciated for my input and being able to be honest in a way that I was afraid to be when we were married.

After what I thought was the end of our conversation he sent me a you tube video and told me he couldn't get this song out of his head. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xTeI65yrhGw 
It broke my heart.  No one should live with regret.  It also reminded me to live in the moment, look forward to the future and forget the past. You never know what the the future holds, I'm sure no one says their wedding vows and thinks that they're going to get divorced some day.  I didn't raise my children thinking that at some future moment in time they wouldn't be speaking to one another or to me or to their father.  I said to my ex that it makes me sick how broken we are, that our kids aren't speaking to each other and he said words of wisdom...."just because we're broken now doesn't mean it won't be fixed."  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Life isn't that certain to me anymore.  Things I thought for sure would happen haven't and things I never thought would happen did.  The future is uncertain, that's why I make it a point to never say never.  I also make it a point to find the good in every single situation and every day I'm lucky enough to open my eyes.  Make memories you will want to look back on and forget the ones you don't....because after all....it's just a day in the life xo

Is it worth it? Or is single better?

This is going to be an all over the place kind of entry.  I am warning you ahead of time, but I've been toying with these thoughts for a while and I am not sure I can tie it all up in a nice neat bow but here goes.

I've been divorced nearly 3 years.  I haven't regretted it for a split second.  That being said, I have had the easiest divorce probably in history.  My kids, for the most part have adjusted in a way most people dream of.  It's all part of the plan I know.  That doesn't mean I am an advocate for divorce in any way, shape or form.  I tell everyone that comes to me asking about divorce that if there is a smidgen of love left in your marriage then fight for it!  Don't give up. Where there is love, there is hope.  However, if there isn't any love then by all means do what you need to do for everyone concerned.

I never knew divorced couples until I became one.  I'm sure there were plenty around me, but they didn't come into my direct circle until I started thinking seriously about divorce.  Coincidence?  No such thing.  It was God's way of guiding me, helping me and I was bringing these people into my life through my thoughts and the Law of Attraction.  Now that I am divorced, holy shit, left and right everyone around me is getting divorced!  Is it our age?  The 20 something year mark for marriage?  Maybe.  However, if a relationship isn't working all along I guess that's the time when enough is enough.  There are still those people who stay together for the rest of their lives being miserable too.

Since I got divorced whenever anyone is unhappy in their relationship they are drawn to talk to me about it.  I understand that.  I'm the woman with the Scarlet letter so obviously their sins are safe with me.  They also must figure that I won't be shocked by anything they say---they are right.  I am also not a judgemental person so that makes me easy to confide in. Every body's stories are similar.  I can see both sides in most situations.  It's never one persons fault--in MOST cases.  Which leads me to my question.....is it worth it?

We all come into relationships with expectations and our own baggage.  Most of us start our marriages in our teens or  20s when we truly don't know who the hell we are.   While we are trying to figure that out we can be selfish.  Mean.  Controlling.  Jealous.  And patterns are formed.  "Well I'm not going to do A because she doesn't let me do B."  "No, you can't go out with your friends, I never get to go out with MY friends" people are afraid to give in too frequently for fear of being taking advantage of and communication breaks down.  Feelings are hurt, egos are bruised and walls are built.  After years of these behaviors, relationships become broken and sometimes irreparable.   Someone asked me "so how do you fix it?"  I said well one of you has to love enough to put their own feelings aside and check their ego at the door.  It's important to explain to your partner that you understand where they are coming from.  Tell them you know what you've done wrong.  It's not going to happen overnight, but eventually the change can happen.  But the other party has to be willing too.

It's possible.  It can happen.  But it takes a lot of work, a lot of prayer and a lot of work (yes, I know I said that already).  I feel like everyone is afraid to be alone.  So, people stay together for fear of being alone.  They stay together for "the kids".  The list goes on.  It's all bullshit.  And it makes for very unhappy people.  How is that good for the kids?  The day I realized I was finally going to get divorced was when I looked at my daughter and thought - "What kind of example is she getting?  What is she going to think a marriage looks like?"  That did it for me.  My sons have confirmed that life is much more peaceful and happy since the divorce.  I'm happy.  That makes my kids happy.  

People afraid to be alone.  Why?  If you don't like your own company, you have bigger issues than an unhappy relationship. OR maybe that's why your relationship is unhappy--you are looking for someone else to fulfill your every need---not gonna happen. Is it scary to do things alone after a lifetime of being with someone?  Yea it can be.  I was never not in a relationship since I was 16 years old.  It is weird.  But it's peaceful.  It makes me wonder if being single is better.  I do what I want, when I want with who I want.  I don't have to hear any crap from anyone about it.  It's nice.  A lot of my friends who are divorced are in new relationships.  Some are engaged to be married again.  At the beginning of the new relationship it was all sunshine and roses (literally, the roses--damn they all got a lot of flowers), being wined and dined and all the beautiful new beginnings that relationships bring.  And then reality sets in.  Old patterns are repeated.  Both people react to each other anticipating that the new partner is going to behave like their ex---it's just exhausting.  Is it worth it?  I don't think so.  At the risk of sounding like a bitter, cynical woman I will admit that maybe it's just because for the first time in my life I am not putting anyone else's feelings before my own.  I am learning to find my voice.  I am figuring out what I like and what I don't.  It's about damn time.  I am also learning how to say no without guilt.  It's an amazing feeling of freedom.  I think the longer I am alone the harder it will be to be with someone. Or maybe, I will figure out why all my past relationships have failed and I'll find the magic mix of loving someone so deeply yet not repeating the mistakes.  I'm realizing all the things that I did wrong in relationships---and trying to fix them.  So maybe, just maybe, one day I will feel differently.  Maybe I will feel that it IS worth it.   But in the meantime, I'm enjoying being alone (as alone as a woman with 3 kids can be lol)