Though I tried to pretend, I knew it was the end For the autumn of my life had come at last

Thirty one years ago today a 23 year old girl woke up on her wedding day.  She had no idea what the future would hold but she was certain this was the beginning of it.  She was really sick, congested, head cold, sore throat and on antibiotics for maybe the 2nd time in her life.  Looking back that was significant, no?  At that time she was more excited about the wedding and becoming some one's wife and changing her name more than she was thinking about a marriage and what that entailed.  She lives her life with no regrets and looks back knowing that marriage had to happen in order for three incredible human beings to be born.   And that marriage was not an easy one.  It was turbulent, volatile, filled with job changes, unemployment, uncertainty, instability, misunderstandings, anger and ups and downs, 11 moves, 3 different states and finally a peaceful, easy divorce.  But the result of that marriage was worth every tear, every heartache, every disappointment and every broken promise---3 children that are so amazing it's only divine intervention that they came from that union.

I look back at that young girl and I don't recognize her.  All of the things that happened in the last 31 years changed her.  She used to be a hopeless romantic, believing that love conquers all and that there was nothing that love could not cure.  She believed in devotion and faithfulness and happily ever after.  She doesn't anymore.  She believes that everything happens for a reason.  But happily ever after?  No.  She doesn't believe in that anymore.  My marriage was not a failure, quite the opposite.  It made me who I am today, along with a handful of failed relationships since then.   Every relationship, whether romantic, family, friend or work, teaches you something.  Those people are in your life for a reason.  Recently I've had quite a few people come back into my life that I had severed ties with within the last decade.  I'm not sure why they are resurfacing but I'm assuming our lessons aren't over.  This is a pattern in my life, I'm not sure why.  And honestly, I've stopped asking why.  I've stopped trying to figure out the reasons for things.  What's the point?  It is what it is.

Obviously everyone has different paths in life.  I am beginning to believe that the best years of my life are behind me.  Raising my children, being a stay at home mom and a wife was my passion and my dream for my life.  Well that phase is over now.  What now?  Now it's just a regular life.  Now I sit back and watch my nieces and nephews and my own children begin their lives.  My sweet friend from Arizona got married again this past weekend.  She had a rough life up until this point, no denying it.  So for her and some others these are the golden years---the years they work for and pay their dues for while they're young.  For me?  Those were the golden years.  I'm always backwards, I guess this is no different.  I know there are still good times ahead and I'm very blessed by all that I have and the life that I live.  But it makes me really sad to know that life is more than half over and the best is most likely behind me.  I try not to think that way but on days like today it's inevitable.  Tomorrow I may feel differently because after all....it's just a day in the life.