Everything I knew but I didn't know

 

It's the last Monday of 2020.  Some are saying Thank God it's almost over.  I say Thank God it happened.  Thank God that I had these 365 trips around the sun.  I learned a few years back not to evaluate my life by the numbers on the calendar.  Every year has challenges and blessings.  Some have more of one than the other.  For those who are so over the top disgusted with 2020 because of the changes in their lifestyle I say, you are a lucky person.  When I look back on "bad" years it was because horrible, terrible things were happening in my life.  Not because I can't go out to eat with my friends or find toilet paper.  It is all about choices and viewpoint.  I am choosing to bless 2020 and thank it for the things it taught me and the happiness it brought.

2020 started with my oldest son in a very bad place. If you had told me then that by the end of it he would be where he is I am not sure I would have believed you.  For that alone 2020 will be a year I would relive gladly to get to where we are today.  

Later in January we were blessed with my great niece being born.  She is a light in this world that God knew we needed.  Her mere presence in the world makes it a better place.  She has not had an easy start---allergies, eczema so severe she has to work like Houdini to scratch the itch, and coming into the world when everything has been on lockdown for most of her first year.  Yet, Miss Lyla is a fighter.  That little girl is going to change the world just by being in it.  2020 will always remind me of the blessing she is.

We had cancelled trips a plenty, fear of losing jobs, shocking deaths (not Covid related), prom cancelled, graduations cancelled, Weddings cancelled just like everyone else.  Is it difficult?  Of course, but really?  In the grand scheme of life those are things people experience all the time.  I am choosing to look at the blessings.

My Godson graduated college to go on to his Masters program, it didn't look like he thought it would but someday he'll look back and realize he's not alone and a lot of people will have some crazy stories of quarantined graduations.  It makes us have to work a little harder to make moments like this special.

My dad celebrated his 90th birthday.  I was lucky enough to be able to spend it with him but I know it's not what anyone expected or wanted.  But the important thing is that we have been blessed to have him celebrate his 90th birthday.  That is a gift denied to many.

My son turned 22 and although the cruise he had planned was cancelled they made the best of it and took a weekend away at the beach where they got married in 2018. My daughter and I were lucky enough to spend his birthday with him on the beach and if he had been on the cruise it would have been the first birthday we didn't get to see each other.  See how I turned that around? 😎

My daughter's junior year is not looking like she thought it would but she's finally being "homeschooled" like her brother's were and she's realizing it's not too bad to do school from her pajamas.

We finally took a trip to NY to meet my beautiful great niece and were lucky enough to be there when my niece Katey got engaged!  How lucky was THAT!  She was supposed to be in San Diego that week and the proposal would have happened there.  Thank you 2020 for allowing me to be part of that amazing moment in her life.  Had there been no pandemic that would never have happened.

We got to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas together as a family and also with my daughter in laws family which was such a huge blessing and so much fun! We have gotten so close and it is truly a joy that 2020 has given us this time.

My son and his beautiful wife bought their first home.  It is being built as we speak.  Because of that they have been staying with me on and off and we are lucky enough to have the beauty of my son's "last Christmas at home" for probably the third time 😉.

My daughter in law finished her college classes.  She will be graduating in May.  Such a huge accomplishment and I'm so proud of her!  

Thank you 2020, for these and many other blessings that I can't write about.  Thank you for the lessons and the changes and the growth that you've brought.  Here's to another 365 trips around the sun with the ones I love, because after all----it is just a day in the life.

Life ain't picture perfect, use the negatives to develop

When I realized we were going to be quarantined for at least a month I ordered these cute little diamond paintings.  In March.  I got them in June.  I forgot I even ordered them.  The mood was gone for working on projects.  I really never had that shut down time, I was still working throughout.  But, I have really enjoyed making the time to work on this and it made me realize that life is just like this paint by number type art.  You don't fully know how beautiful it will turn out until you dive into it.  Also, that if you give it all to God (as my picture states) it is much easier to enjoy it.

I've seen a lot of people saying January 2020 me and June 2020 me are completely different.  I relate to that.  It isn't really about what's going on in the world as much as it is going on personally.  New Years morning at 3am I got a call that set the tone for this year and it wasn't a good one.  But, it began a year of huge changes for me as a person.  It seems like 6 years ago instead of 6 months.  Trials are like that.  And if you don't roll with the tide you will be pushed and pulled and possibly caught in a rip tide.  It can kick your ass, you'll wind up where you're supposed to be but bruised and battered.  I have been flowing.  I listen to my Angels and my guidance and I DO things that I don't want to do if I'm guided.  Even if my ego is screaming-NO!  I don't want to do that!  WHY do I have to?  So, I'm not sure why I got the proverbial crap beat out of me in the last six months when I was doing what I was told.  But I feel it's almost like labor and this is the last big push.  (if I had a dollar for every time I was foolish enough to believe that...well, I'd have a ton of dollars!)  Things have come up one after another of things I didn't even realize I needed to heal, or process or fix.  This past weekend was a big one and I am being guided to share it because I think it can help a lot of you.  (even though inside I'm saying NO!  I don't WANT to share this...it's too personal).

I have an issue with disappointing people.  I have an issue with needing to be perfect, or at least for the people I care about to think I'm perfect.  I do my best....ALWAYS.  I don't half ass anything in my life.  If I am giving myself to something it's 100 percent.  Sounds good right?  Sounds like a good quality to have, right?  Not necessarily.  Not when you never give yourself a break.  Not when you are crestfallen when the people you love don't think you're perfect.  (for the record, no one is perfect---I know this.  But when I love someone?  They're perfect in my eyes, no matter what---even when they drive me crazy).

I never believed that I meant as much to someone as they meant to me.  Never. Why?  I have no friggin idea.  But it's true.  I've realized it was a huge downfall.  It is through talking to people that have loved me and do love me that I realize I was wrong.  Just because I didn't feel perfect enough didn't mean I wasn't perfect to them.  Someone once asked me why I felt that I had the market cornered on love.  Wow.  I remember how that hit me.  I should have gone through this realization then----but I didn't.  I wasn't ready.  Even typing those words right now bring tears to my eyes.  This person has been one of my greatest teachers.  He made me see myself in a way that no one else ever could.  But I wasn't ready.  I wasn't ready to see myself the way I see myself now.  Life works that way sometimes.

I've realized that my kids don't see me as perfect either.  That one stung too.  I have done my very best to be "perfect" as a mom.  My oldest showed me that I wasn't and that was a tough pill to swallow.  He's now in a place where he looks at me with those shiny eyes again.  He is remembering his childhood with those rose colored glasses that I looked at mine with for so many years.  He and I are in this amazing place of mutual respect and love and dare I say adoration.  But now it's the younger ones turn to look at me with tainted glasses.  Sigh, well you can't win them all.  However, through this I'm realizing this is MY issue....my issue of needing to be everything to everyone and for them to think I'm the best thing since sliced bread.  Which they DO!  But they see my flaws---and that's ok!   I don't have the market cornered on love.  They can love me even though I'm not perfect, just like I do them.  Watching old movies with my kids the other night brought the realization that 3 different people can watch the same scene play out and have 3 very different emotions and memories of that time.  And none of them are wrong, perception is reality.  And I don't need them to see it the way I do and they don't need me to see it the way they do.  How about that?  Wow.

So, this past week has been me trying to figure out how and why I got this way (because Heaven forbid it should just be "because I did!")  I need to figure out why so I don't repeat it.  I'm still working on that.  But, my reason for putting this out there is to possibly help someone else with perfection syndrome.  Someone who doesn't feel like anyone could ever love them as much.  Tell yourself, you don't have the market cornered on love.  You aren't the only one who can love unconditionally or overlook imperfections.  Others can love you that way too.  And you don't have to be "perfect"....there is no such thing. And you can't expect that from anyone else either. All you can do is your best at any given time.  And you need to understand that everyone else is doing the same.  And it needs to be enough....we need to appreciate those we love for being the best they can be and to believe that they feel the same way.  Because after all.....it's just a day in the life.

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy....caught in a landslide, no escape from reality

Well, life here in Florida is starting to return to "normal".  By normal I mean everything is opening back up.  However, if this is "normal"  I'd like my money back.  This cannot be the future of this world, please God.  This week was truly horrific.  Thankfully nothing permanent but a week of really brutal energy.  My oldest son informed me yesterday that like 5 planets were in Gemini and coupled with the new moon I am hoping that is it, because I really want a redo.

Monday I was at the car dealership getting an oil change and yes, I am one of those people that doesn't wear a mask unless I am forced to.  The employees weren't wearing them so I felt that I could go without one as well.  Half of the customers had them on, a few had gloves as well (LOSE THE GLOVES PEOPLE!  THEY DON'T HELP!).  I sat in my chair and observed the looks on everyone's faces.  I felt like I was in a war zone.  No one speaks, everyone is on edge, it's just ugly.  I observed two co-workers and an awkward exchange because the man was trying to keep his distance and the woman kept touching his shoulder and he was trying to back away.  It was difficult to watch and to realize---is THIS the new normal?  When I went to open the door anywhere I used a paper towel and disinfected my hands.  I have never thought about germs in my life.  Except when my middle son was sick as a newborn and then when he had cancer but truly that's it.  Now I have a bottle of hand sanitizer in my purse along with a mask and paper towels.

I went to get a much needed pedicure and was told I needed a mask and to sanitize my hands before entering and there was a thermometer there on the counter if I wanted to check my temperature.  Wow.  There were plexi glass barriers everywhere, they raised their prices (to cover these costs I'm sure) and I sat there thinking---this CANNOT be the new normal.  They had meditation type music playing instead of the TV on and I couldn't help but feel like I just wanted to cry.  It seemed like we were all adversaries instead of neighbors.  Everyone had fear or frustration or suspicion in their eyes.  Really?  Would this ever go away?

I am really trying to not stick my head in the sand but honestly?  How long can this go on?  And keeping a mask on when getting a pedicure but being in a restaurant without one (obviously) what's the point?  I'm an all or nothing kind of person.  I just don't think it makes sense.  Yes, I'm being cautious, taking steps I would normally not take, but wearing a mask forever whenever I'm in public?  Teachers wearing masks while teaching, students while learning?  How is this even going to work?  My heart breaks for these young children growing up with this. 

I had to order toilet paper and paper towels for my company and still my normal orders aren't available.  So I am forced to order more expensive items just so that we have them because we are allowed to open up again.  Our business is having to change so many things to stay up to code.  It's a full time job just keeping up with all the requirements. 

I am a hugger.  One of my love languages is touch.  I went for months without hugging my sons---hell no.  Not anymore.  And I hold onto them tighter and tighter every time I see them, and they hold on right back.  At the beginning of the week my daughter had to hand in her cheer uniform.  They had lines of cars, the seniors were picking up their cap and gowns and lawn signs and yearbooks and the uniforms were being given back.  Some of the kids stayed in their cars and waited for someone to approach them.  Finally I told my daughter to just go bring her uniform into the gym.  Well, her coach said "No way I'm not giving you a hug!  Sorry." My daughter wouldn't have left without one either.  Her friend was waving from afar and told Em that she wanted to come and hug us so badly but her mom told her she'd be punished if she went near anyone.  That broke my heart.  I'm not judging her mom, I get it!  Everyone has to do what is right for them.  But to me?  A life like that isn't worth protecting or living.  Yesterday my daughter and I got together with some friends and it was so awkward greeting them.  But my daughter and her friend just hugged each other so tightly and that broke the ice and then there were hugs all around and the atmosphere relaxed.

I am a firm believer in not living in fear.  I also feel if you think you're going to get sick, you will.  I am not judging anyone for doing what they feel is best for them and their families, but I ask that I am not judged either.  I put my faith and trust in God, as I do every day and I want to live my life.  Because after all, isn't that why everyone is avoiding this disease?  So that they can live?  If I can't hug and kiss and touch the people that I love then what's the point?  Just sayin'.  Isn't it just a day in the life?

Welcome 2020

Here we are again....the end of the year, but this year it's the end of a decade!  My memory is fuzzy but this decade was jam packed for sure.  I started it with my oldest being 16 and ended it with my youngest being 16.  I got divorced, moved 3 times (once across the country), I discovered my connection to my angels and the spiritual realm, I went from being a stay at home mom to working for 2 different companies full time...those are just the basics.  I don't even recognize the woman I was 10 years ago...hell I don't recognize the woman I was 12 short months ago.  I began this year with so much hope and conviction of what would transpire during this year.  I am ending it with the knowledge that I don't know anything and that sometimes life is just what it is and you have to accept it.    In this decade there have been communions, confirmations, surgeries, engagements, graduations - high school and college, weddings, deaths and births, beginnings and endings, more than I can count.  My heart has been overflowing and it's been broken.  Has it been different than past decades?  I think so.  I think the events that transpired were harder than ever before.  I've become numb to things that would have destroyed me in the past.  I don't feel things as deeply as I have in the past---is that age?  Maybe.  But I think it is more about disappointment breaking down the ability to feel as deeply.  The fear of feeling utter joy and bliss because the pain of it being taken away is too devastating than never feeling that joy and bliss in the first place.  I am ending this decade in a place of acceptance.  Accepting life as it is and not expecting anything but what is.  If something good comes then I'm pleasantly surprised, if something bad happens I'm not shocked.  I know that it is all in God's hands at the end of the day and in His time.  That brings peace.  Joy is something I've traded for peace I suppose.  I'm not going to lie, I miss joy.  Even when I am at my happiest I am unable to feel joy.  I'm making that my mission in this next decade---to not let the fear of it being taken away to stop me from feeling joy.  Or maybe contentment is what you feel as you get older.  I look around and I see people just existing and I never wanted to be that person.  I never wanted to just allow life to pass by without truly embracing the wonderful moments.

Thanksgiving was a great day.  We enjoyed dinner and then went to Disney  World.  I had my kids all with me, everyone was getting along-  but I just didn't feel fully happy. I was standing in the kitchen looking at my family gathered around the table together, laughing and that woman who started the decade would have been bursting with joy.  My daughter turned 16 this month.  My sister flew in to surprise her and it was really a wonderful weekend.  I looked around the table when we were all laughing and truly enjoying being together, yet joy wouldn't come.  That's when I realized something was wrong.  That's when I realized that this decade really did kick my ass.  I vowed that I was going to change that.  I was going to find out how to get that joy back.  In fact, I decided I'm going to write a book about this very thing.  This can't be all there is---just existence. I don't want to believe it.  Yet that is where I'm at.

Well I took a break in writing this and this past weekend brought a situation back that has broken my heart in the past more than once.  I handled it like a robot.  I had absolutely no emotion.  I just went through the motions and stoically handled  it.  I called my sister to inform her of the situation and told her how I just didn't care anymore, that it didn't matter.  After a lengthy conversation she convinced me that I was blocking any feeling because I just could not allow it again.  I couldn't allow myself to feel the pain anymore. Shit.  As usual, she knows me pretty damn well and confirmed my earlier suspicions .  I went about my day and I slowly found myself remembering things that made me feel differently.  She was right.  I have blocked things that make me feel the pain and heartbreak of certain situations.  I have stopped hoping for better things on the horizon, I've stopped thinking that happy endings are guaranteed.  I am still a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason" and that God's plan is always unfolding, however I've given up thinking things will get better.  I do believe that whatever comes I will have the strength to deal with it.

I suppose what I need to decide as I enter this next decade is if being numb is better than feeling the good and the bad and all the emotions in between.  In this decade I have felt the happiest I had in my entire life and the most broken and sad as well.   I know I've written about this before and back then I decided that being numb was not the answer, because I would rather 5 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special (Thank you Shelby/Steel Magnolias).  I think I'd like to change my answer.  I'll take numb for $500 Alex.  I guess what the last decade has taught me is how to deal with everything life throws at me without getting wrapped around the axle about it.  I just treat it all like it's just a day in the life, because, after all----that's what it is.