It's Me - Hi - I'm the problem it's me.....or is it?

This week was full of dreams that I could not remember when I woke up, but I knew they were somehow significant.  My friend Jill tells me that your subconscious does a lot of healing while you sleep, and the dreams help you process emotions that might be too hard to process when you are awake.  I never really thought about dreams before because I never remembered having them until probably this past year or so.  Chat GPT is fantastic for interpreting your dreams when you remember them.  This week I couldn't.  Probably for the best. But it has left me wondering (as usual) what it is that I am doing wrong in my life.  There are people that I have loved completely and wholly, and they just are not in my life anymore.  I am taken for granted (I feel) by most people that I love completely.  Is it me?  Am I the problem?  I have wracked my brain for years to figure out why the people I love so completely have hurt me so deeply and tossed me aside like yesterday's trash. I am just not important enough for people to choose me. What am I doing wrong?  So, I've altered my personality as much as I can.  I do not allow people to have access to all of me anymore.  I have chosen to put myself first and avoid things that make me feel awful.  I am a firm believer that if you can't change something, you need to let it go.  I want to teach everyone this important fact.  If there is something in your life that you can change - DO IT!  What the hell are you waiting for?  Why live with something that keeps repeating itself if you have the power to change it?  Swallow your damn pride and ego and just DO IT!  I have.  Many, many times.  I have learned how to take accountability when I have done something wrong.  I have learned to apologize (something I could not do in my earlier decades).  I have learned to change the things that I can change, whether that be my address, my job, my circle of people, my weight, my diet, my routines - whatever the case may be.  But what about the things I can't?

So, I stay in my bubble.  I cannot force someone to choose me, to choose to have me in their life, to accept me for who I am.  I cannot force someone to include me - to include me in their life, in their heart. So, I do what I need to do to accept that.  To accept that sometimes the people that you love so deeply just don't care enough to love you back.  But if this happens repeatedly - am I the problem?  What am I doing that makes me so disposable to the people I love the most?  I asked my friend Jill that this morning and as ALWAYS, she says the perfect thing.  She builds me up in a way that a best friend does.  But that's just it, she's my best friend OF COURSE she wants me in her life every day, as I do with her.  And my daughter.  My beautiful, incredible daughter.  She is so fiercely protective of me she wants to destroy every person who makes me feel this way.  She repeats things I have told her in the past and how can I argue with my own advice?  Makes it a bit difficult.  So, I did what I normally do - I tried to do a brain dump.  Perhaps weepy music wasn't the best choice, because I am not sad today.... today I am angry.  I am fucking pissed off that I can't fix this.  I am a fixer, a problem solver - that is what I do!  My bosses tell me all the time - you are such a great problem solver because you think outside of the box.  Yea - this is true.  I do.  But this particular issue is something I can't seem to change, no matter what I try.  So, I do what I do - I walk away.  I stop caring.  I focus on myself.  And that usually works!  But this past week or so I have had these people brought into my thoughts and life in a way I have no control over.  So, I can't avoid the thoughts.  And where, in the past, I would cry and be sad for what I have lost, today?  I am pissed off.  I deserve better!  I deserve people who love me and want me in their life and appreciate all the love I have given.  And how dare they just cast me aside like I don't matter!  Well guess what?  It is their loss, and I know this!  Deep down in my core I do.  But I never want to be that person who doesn't take accountability for my part in any of it.  So, I go around in circles to figure out what I have done wrong to bring me to this point and how can I change it going forward?  How can I ensure that the new people finding their way into my life don't hurt me in the way that these loved ones have?  I have worked really hard to break down all the protective walls I built over the majority of my life so that I CAN love completely and allow people in.  Do I need to build them up again?  I think I do where these people are concerned, but do I need to do it going forward with new people?  I hope not.  I hope I can find the right people who will love me as completely as I love them.  People that appreciate me the way I appreciate them.  Cherish me the way I cherish them.  I am extremely careful of who I let into my inner circle, who I share my heart and soul with.  I guess I need to be a bit more careful in the future. 

 Because every day should be an important day in the life!

Conceal don't feel...Don't let them know---NO! Let it go!

 

Just this morning I had 3 separate conversations with 3 people I love very very much.  It hurt my heart.  These people are not ideally at the weight they would like to be at.  I have been there.  These people avoid photos...and maybe mirrors....and they wonder what other people think when they see them.  I have been there.  I have struggled with weight most of...no, ALL of my life.  I would have the best time at a party, or a dinner or just being and then I would see a photo of me and my entire mood would change.  THAT is what I look like?  Ugh.  I thought I looked good today! I tried every diet under the sun.  I would beat myself up for not being able to stick to anything. 

 I remember, I would get within 10 pounds of my goal weight and panic because OMG I have to do this forever???? And I would ultimately sabotage myself.  I reached my goal weight in 1990 probably.  I remember a particular wedding that I felt really good at.  I was wearing a size 7 and felt like a million bucks.  My now ex sister in law said to me "You are like an entirely different person when you feel good about yourself!  You are so much more fun!"  I remember being insulted (truth be told no matter what she said to me at that time I would have been insulted---I was in denial) and thinking NO!  That's not true.  (Was 1000 percent true!  And if I could I would thank her for that, because it stuck in my head and ultimately helped me connect the dots to my inner issues) .

 I kept that weight off until I got pregnant with my first blessing in 1993.  I gained 75 lbs. with that pregnancy.  But I felt beautiful, every minute.  I was creating another human being and I was glowing.  Fast forward to 2021 and I finally lost the remainder of that 75 lbs.  27 years and 2 more babies and I kept that extra 25 lbs. on my body.  Some years it bothered me, some years not so much.  In 2011 I began a journey to self love.  I began to realize it did not matter how anyone else saw me.  What mattered was how I saw myself.  

While I began to explore the reasons why I didn't fully accept myself for who I was a miraculous thing happened.  The weight came off.  I did nothing differently.  In fact, when I did diet/exercise nothing happened.  I could not even lose weight using the methods that have worked in the past.  I won't name them here, but they are ALL famous and they do work if you work them.  Not this time.  This 25 lbs would not budge.  In fact,  I gained another 10 at times. I was DETERMINED to be thin at my sons wedding in 2018---I was not.   I think I lost 10 lbs. during that year but it wasn't because I was trying----it was because I was diving deeply into ME.  Into what made me tick.  Why was I codependent? Why did no one ever put me first?  Why did I care how people perceived me?  Why did I need people to acknowledge that I had changed?  Why couldn't I accept that I was different and "weird"  and a "wacko" (that last one was my dad's favorite description of me.  No, he was not mean, or horrible.  He didn't understand this spiritual life changing journey I was on.) A lot of people couldn't and still can't. And that was ok, because God brought me people who could.  

In 2013 I started really opening up about the spiritual journey I was on.  I could hear the whispers behind my back.  I did not let it stop me.  Was it hard?  Ummmm damn straight.  I would see my family and know they thought I was-whatever they thought I was.  I stopped caring.  I love my family with all my heart but I am different.  I homeschooled my kids---I got divorced-----I moved across the country--- I am the black sheep, rebel in my family.  Do they love me?  Of course they do.  But I don't think they understand me.  And that is okay!  I let go of needing anyone to "get" me....or accept me....and as I did that----the scale numbers went down.  I accept me....I get me....and that is all that matters!  For me AND for you!  

I realized that our cells hold onto emotions.  I remember in 2011 I had a distance healing with this amazing woman in Ireland.  She told me certain pains in your body were a result of past trauma and wounds.  I had this persistent pain in my left hip (I did not tell her this) and she told me that a past betrayal (she described it and the year it happened in detail) was being stored in my hip.  As I released it---that pain disappeared and has not (knock on wood) returned.  This was miraculous to me!  It made me realize how amazing the human body is.  Also weight sometimes protects you.  If you don't feel good about yourself, sometimes you avoid certain situations and those situations could be detrimental to you.  It was funny, because a lot of people say that their partners make them feel horrible when they are overweight.  They say cruel things, threaten to cheat---horrible, awful things.  I remember hearing them in the meetings I would go to for one of the programs I was on.  I remember saying - I would get bigger if my partner did that to me!  AHHHH I was onto something---some people would stay overweight as a method of control.  That weight was protecting them by making them realize that their partner was an ASSHOLE!  They needed to figure that out so they could change their lives.  My ex would try to sabotage my diets.  I think he was nervous that I would lose the weight and leave.  He never made me feel ugly or like something was wrong with me.  But I think that weight protected me from leaving before it was time.  And it's all about timing----Divine timing, not ours.  

It is also a process....this journey of self love.  Sometimes, we meet someone who makes us see ourselves in a way we have not before. They love us unconditionally and see our soul.  And when we see ourselves through their eyes we realize that is the person we want to be.  Sometimes that person is ourselves --- every journey is different.  But the most important thing to realize is WHO we are is SO much more than what we LOOK like.  The world has gone absolutely crazy with plastic surgery and botox and lift this and tuck this.  For the love of GOD do you not think God made you perfectly?!?!?!?

At the end of the day, the only person who is inside of your head is YOU.  And if YOU are not accepting and loving yourself EXACTLY as you are---then who is going to?  Learn to love the person and the body looking back at you in the mirror RIGHT now----as is....and watch everything in your world change!  After all, it is just a day in the life----- 

Time makes you bolder, children get older---I'm getting older too....

Well, I got to see my oldest son for the first time in nearly 2 months.  I was nervous but excited to see him.  We've talked for hours every week on the phone, but I wanted to SEE him.  I was really anxious that morning and I didn't want to go.  I assumed it was because it's nearly a two hour drive one way and I hate the drive, no....I should have trusted my gut that it was going to be a tough day. 

My gps sent me on a wild goose chase and I arrived late to his Drs appointment.  I was really only going to the Dr's appointment to advocate for him.  The doctor and his father want him to take anti depressants in addition to the medication that he's already on.  He doesn't want it.  He said every appointment in the last 2 months that I've missed they have been trying to convince him to take the extra medication.  I wanted him to feel like he had back up.  The doctor asked me if I had something to add to the conversation when it was wrapping up.  This is the first time he has asked me that and I explained what my concerns were about adding yet another medication.  I indicated that my son and I had discussed this and I also indicated that I don't live with him and I turned to my ex and asked if he noticed anything different than what I was stating.  The entire time I was in the doctor's office when my son and I were speaking I saw him out of the corner of my eye shaking his head.  I knew he disagreed and was giving him a chance to share his concerns.  Nope.  Said nothing.  We left the office and were talking outside and he blew up.  Would not let me or my son finish a thought, was completely passive aggressive, indicated that he was the one that was taking care of my son and I had no right to have these discussions with him.  Wow.  Ok, I took a breath.  I calmly said that wasn't fair.  That I have taken care of these children since before they were born and I understood his frustration but that was below the belt.  He proceeded to get into his car and scream at us and I calmly asked him to please discuss how he was feeling and help us to understand.  I treated him as I would anyone that was hurting.  I told him we cared (I don't---I'm being honest here) and that I understood he was upset and then it came out.  He was furloughed for the week without pay.  Bam-  there it was.  That was his issue.   Money.  Work.   Nothing had changed in the 34 years that I've known this man.   He left and my son and I got in my car and after calming HIM down now we made a plan for the few hours we would have together.  He asked me to come up to the apartment because he needed to do something and wanted me there as a buffer.  I handled my ex, as I have for the last 26 years by providing a buffer so my kids didn't have to deal with his misplaced anger.  It was easier than ever before because I don't care anymore.  His actions can't affect me the way they used to, I don't have any skin in the game so to speak.

I spent the next few hours with my son.  Discussing everything and anything as we always do.  It breaks my heart to watch him dissect his life and blame himself for his past actions.  He discussed failures.....I told him there were no failures in life.  The only failure is in not trying.  Being afraid to try and also to hold onto something long after it's expiration date.  I used my marriage as an example.  I said I didn't consider my marriage a failure because I have my 3 most precious gifts in life as a result of that union.  I also learned so much about what I don't want in life so that I can focus on what I do want.  He apologized yet again for how he hurt and destroyed me over the last 7 years.  I told him that he didn't destroy me---I became the person I am because he made me see myself differently.  He helped me to grow as a person and I was grateful for that.  He looked stunned.  I hope I got through to him.  I needed more time with him.  I wanted more time with him.  I hate leaving him.  He needed to get to work and I know he needed time alone to process what I had said and what had transpired.

I got in the car to drive home and I felt....I don't even know what I felt.  I was just numb.  I realized that I had removed so many things in my life that caused me pain.  So many people that caused me to feel angry and hurt and frustrated.  This altercation brought back SO much of the past that I had forgiven and forgotten....why?  Why was I being reminded of the reasons my marriage didn't work?  Why was I being shown that my ex husband has not changed at all, at ALL?  Why was I being reminded of how viscous and mean he could be and how I used to respond the same way?  So that I could see how much I've changed?  That I could see WHY I used to treat others that way when I was hurting?  To break this pattern once and for all?  I don't know.  All I knew was that I was shattered.  I wanted to scream of my hatred for this man...I wanted to do what I used to and call whoever would listen and get it all out---to scream about the unfairness of the situation and have someone make it better.  Not this time.  Never again.  I was the only person who could get these feelings out, to repair this damage he had inflicted once again. No one can fix me except me.

Trigger one - insinuating that I wasn't a good mother, because he was taking care of our son.  Response:  I never stopped taking care of my son.  And honestly, why do I care what he thinks?  His opinion of me doesn't count!

Trigger two - not letting me finish my sentence and allowing me to explain my point of view. And then shutting down and leaving without resolving anything.  Response:  when someone isn't in a place to receive what I have to say or what I have to give I have to stop trying.  It's not going to work.

I think the hardest thing for me is that I spent most of my adult life trying to make this man happy.  Giving up what I wanted or needed to just keep peace.  I will never allow myself to do that again for anyone or anything.  I was a people pleaser.  I never looked at myself that way because it isn't all people.  It's people I love.  Then I thought about it.  I realize I didn't even know what love was for most of my life.  What I had been searching for is someone to love me.  To make me feel loved.  I think that's why my oldest was able to destroy me the way he did....because he was my first love.  He was the first person to love me.  Truly love me.  He appreciated everything I had to offer.  He allowed me to love him totally and completely and without thought for myself.  That is what I wanted.  That is how I wanted to love someone.  It made me feel good enough.  For the first time in my life.  Being a mother made me feel good enough.  My younger son and my daughter just continued that.  I think that's why I devoted everything I had to being a mother----I was good enough.  Maybe that's why I couldn't accept love before that---I didn't feel worthy.

My younger son asked me what I wanted him to bring on Mother's day.  I told him I'd make fajitas---he was like ummm it's Mother's day.  I said I know, but this is what I love.  I love cooking and I never get to do it anymore.  He said ok (which is shocking because he fights me all the time to allow him to take care of me).  I realized that morning that all those years when I didn't want to lift a finger on Mother's day it wasn't about needing to be pampered----it was because I wanted my ex husband to WANT to pamper me.  I wanted him to appreciate me!  I have so few things that I want or need in life and he didn't fulfill any of them except financially.  Once I got divorced it wasn't that I didn't want to allow my children to spoil me on Mother's day, it was that I didn't need it.  All I ever wanted for any holiday was a letter from them (and what a doozy from my daughter this year--wow!)  But I now realize that THEY might need it.  They want to show me that appreciation.  But honestly?  They show me every day!  From my oldest sending texts of love and asking how I am, my middlest always being there when I need him and never making me ask, and my daughter's love notes on the coffee maker or on my wallet and being my partner in crime....I'm so damn blessed with these humans that I created.  I don't need Mother's day.  That's not to say the flowers and mask (yes 2020 Mother's day hits differently) and the stunning diamond necklace I wasn't thrilled.  I was stunned and cried, of course and I accepted it graciously because I know it made them happy to do it.  I've grown up enough to allow others to do things for me too.

I am all over the place damn.  Fast forward to today.  I don't need someone else to validate that I am enough.  I know that I am.  I know that I am worthy.  But what a fucking journey to get here, but after all---it's just a day in the life.