Sending Forget Me Nots-Help me to Remember

 

This morning during my morning meditation I had my hand on my heart and felt my heartbeat strongly.  There was a time not too long ago that I did not feel my heartbeat no matter how hard I tried.  Not sure why, I will not even attempt to understand why.  While feeling that steady beat I was instantly transported to when I heard each one of my children's heartbeats for the first time.  The tears started to flow.  As a mother, that is one of the most memorable times in pregnancy.  I was never anxious or nervous when I was pregnant - as always I knew God would allow me to have a healthy baby.  I haven't thought about that moment in at least 20 years.  I was brought back to those often cold exam rooms and I felt the joy and wonder of each one of their heartbeats.  I think I cried every single time I had an appointment and I heard that heartbeat.  My cousin had her third child this month and she told me she had forgotten how difficult C-Section recovery was - especially with 2 other little ones at home.  I told her that is how God gets us to have more children - we forget what we have to go through to get there!  Because it is always worth it in the end.  It made me think about how many other things we get amnesia about in order to put ourselves through it again.

Moving--- every single time I move (and I have moved over a dozen times in my lifetime) I have convenient amnesia about what a pain in the ass it is.  Yet moving day comes and I cringe and no matter how hard I worked and how much I prepared that last minute stuff keeps coming out of every crevice.  And each time I swear - never again!  But the alternative is staying in a place where I no longer want to be or belong.  Not acceptable, soooo we put ourselves through it again.

Career/Job Changes - we are so convinced that the place we are in is so awful we must look for another job.  Or maybe it's financially - we need a raise and we are not getting it where we are.  We are so optimistic and excited about the possibility of change that we forget how awful the interview process is.  And then when we do get the new position and have that first day - oh my!  We forget how to uncomfortable it is to not know what the hell you are doing and trying to navigate new office relationships and procedures and that it takes close to a month before you start feeling at ease, and ew what if we made a mistake and this place is worse than the last?  If we remembered all of those things it might have stopped us from doing what was needed and moving to a new workplace.

Love - giving your heart to another person.  Would any of us ever do this if we remembered how deeply the last one hurt?  How much pain you can endure when you give your heart to someone and it gets broken?  We would never give our heart again.  So conveniently, we allow ourselves to hope and believe that this time will be different.  And eventually, it is - we find that person who is worth any amount of heartbreak in the past or difficulty now or in the future. Although no relationship is perfect, we find one that is the best we have ever had and we stay.  We never would find that if we had the memories of past heartbreak at the forefront of our minds.

So, the goal in most things in life is to not look back?  I disagree with that.  If we don't remember the past we are doomed to repeat it.  We need to grow from the past and then move on from it.  I can confidently say that I do not really even recognize my former self, however in some situations I remember her and I thank her for paving the way for the current version of me.  As much as she is different she is still a part of me.  Sometimes the best parts.  Selective amnesia, although is necessary sometimes to encourage us to make difficult choices.  My meditation today was about embracing the present and facing the future with eyes and heart wide open.  After all, that past is gone, we don't live there anymore.  The future is what we decide to make it.  And today?  Well....today is just a day in the life.

L is for the way you look at me....O is for the only one I see, V is very very---extraordinary E is even more than anyone that you adore can LOVE

 

Valentines day......not one of my favorite days in the year.  In FACT - I am not a fan AT ALL.  9 years ago today I said goodbye to my mom for the last time.  In fact as I sat at the table this morning, the very table I held her hand at and said goodbye and I just felt sad.  I miss her.  So much.  I lied to her that morning.  It was a lie of love - I was protecting her from things that she couldn't know about.  Even the fact that I had put past issues behind me -  I smiled and said I forgave her.  I lied.  I would not forgive her fully until my dad passed away almost 7 years later.  But what good would it have done for her to know?  It would not have helped either one of us.  However - I am NOT a liar!  I do not lie.  And I don't appreciate people who do.  So this really still doesn't sit well with me.  I have apologized to her and she knows....she knows how much I love(d) her and I didn't want her to hurt any more than she already did.  But I wish I had 5 more minutes to hold her hand and look her in the eye and say those words again and mean them.  I love you, and I forgive you!

This brings me to today's post.  Love.  Truth.  Forgiveness.  So many people don't feel or express those three things the way they should---the way they would if they knew their time on earth with someone was not guaranteed.  And what is up with all the big gestures on Valentines day?  What about a regular Monday in June?  Tuesday in March?  Why do people save these things for a "special occasion" - if you are lucky enough to feel love for someone - say it!  Shout it from the rooftops.  You are blessed and so are they.  Who doesn't want to feel loved?  And not because someone has to, because they can't help but feel it.  Maybe because some people weaponize love---use it to manipulate someone?  Get them to follow along?  Who knows why people don't express it easily or freely, but they should.  

So many people these days say they never heard I love you as a child.  Honestly?  I don't remember if my parents said it often, but I knew they did.  I felt it deep inside, I felt safe and loved whether they said it or not.  I know as an adult they said it - all the time so I am assuming they said it when I was little.  I don't believe it is a word that should be thrown around like it's meaningless either. So--how do you know when it's real or just a word?  I would assume it's like when I was a child.....you just feel it.

What about forgiveness?  So many people say they forgive someone but yet they keep things in their back pocket just in case...that's not true forgiveness.  When you forgive someone you need to start with a clean slate and trust and believe they will not do whatever it is again.  Or that they truly didn't mean to hurt you.  And if you are lucky enough to receive true forgiveness you need to do the same - pay it forward.

My daddy made Valentines day so special for me and my sister and my mom.  But he also remembered to bring my mom flowers every month on the 21st which was their anniversary.  And she remembered to show him love every Thursday as they celebrated the beginning of their weekends in the later years.  Maybe that is why I believe in love and I believe you should show it and say it when you feel it.  Because I had such an amazing example growing up, not everyone did.  But you can change that today---you can be that example to others.  And I am going to believe that my mom knows that although I lied that day when I said goodbye that I love her more than she could ever know and I forgive her with my whole heart.

And honestly?  Today is just another day in the life after all.