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Sunday, January 15, 2017

All By Myself.

I can't believe we are halfway through the 1st month of the new year.  Time is flying by and I want it to slow down a bit.  I have been on such a high for so long now that I guess the lows hit harder when they come.  I'm feeling so conflicted lately I don't know how to put it into words.  My soul knows that everything is fine, but my earthly person is having a hard time accepting it.  I've gotten out of my practice of meditating and praying and writing.  I still practice gratitude every day in every thing and I guess that's what keeps me grounded to a degree.  I've finally stopped feeling unworthy of the amazing things that have happened in my life.  That's a huge leap for someone like me.  My children are so good to me, so giving and unselfish and understanding of this journey I'm on.  I give thanks for that every day, and I finally accept that they aren't like most children.  And I don't have to make excuses to make anyone else feel better, I just thank God for the gift of being their mom.

I think I expect too much from people. When I love someone I give everything I have to them.  I stop whatever I'm doing if someone needs me.  I put my own life on the back burner to help someone else. I'm not tooting my own horn, it is just a fact.  Nobody does that for me.  It leaves me feeling sad and I used to feel unimportant.  I don't anymore.  I realize it has less to do with my importance and more to do with everyone else's view of importance.  I place my sole priority on the people I choose to have in my life, everything else is secondary, most people don't think that way.  They think they do, but when push comes to shove they don't.  Their jobs, cleaning their homes, getting their to do list done, it all comes first.  I'm not criticizing anyone's choices I'm just trying to come to terms with my own.  I wish I could change my thoughts and my actions, it would cause me so much less pain in my life.  But I can't change who I am.  I have done so much self work over the last nearly 9 years I don't think I can change anything else.

I went up North over the holidays.  I realized, once again, that I don't belong there anymore.  I also realized that as much as everyone criticizes my choice to live in Arizona that it was living in Arizona that allowed me to become....me!  Had I not moved I would never have been able to change the way I have.  For that I will forever be grateful for that move and my time there.  This path of self discovery is a lonely one.  It takes you and twists and molds you into a completely different person and in order to do that you need to leave behind a great deal of the life you knew before.  The people you were so close to -you can't relate to anymore.  In fact, being in their company can be almost painful to your soul.  If you're lucky and they are meant to stay in your life they change along with you and eventually your relationship resumes.  If not, you are reduced to facebook likes and possible messages here and there or they leave your life completely.

I had a conversation with my sister yesterday.  She told me (which I know) that my entire being is shown in my eyes.  She said people are drawn to me because I give so much with those looks.  I don't see it.  Well, that's not true.  I can feel the love coming from them when I look at certain people because I know the love from my heart is like burning to come out.  I also know that when I'm angry or sad it shows in my eyes.  But in my interactions with everyone else?  Hmmmm.  I'll take her word for it.  It just makes me feel like maybe I love too much?  Maybe when I decide to have someone in my life I just give it all up and I'm an open book and an open door.  I wish so desperately that I wasn't like that.  That I was like everyone else and kept people at arms length to protect myself.  I've tried, but my heart won't let me.  When I love....it's all of me!  The good the bad and the ugly. And I guess, I expect the same from others and that is where I go wrong.  I have to find a way to not expect anything from anyone. I'm a very emotional person and the bubbly me that people love is also the over thinking, emotional, sensitive me that people don't like so much.  I wish I could turn that part off, but I can't.  It's like a bundle from the cable company.  If you get rid of that the other part goes away too.  For the longest time I was shut off.  I felt nothing, no love, no joy, no fear, no hope....nothing.  I was blank.  That came from being hurt one too many times and it became self preservation.  I don't ever want to go back to that.  It's no way to live.  But if I could just turn down the brightness on my heart and spirit just a tad so that I don't feel as deeply that would be great.  What scares me is that I feel the bricks I put up around myself building again and that wall was a bitch to knock down, I don't want to deal with that again.

So....what do I do?  I have isolated myself a great deal from the world at large and it helps a lot.  I suppose that's why there are so many quotes out there about removing toxic situations from your life and being comfortable alone.  I'm feeling that tug to remove all social media from my life.  I've deleted it all from my phone already and that alone gave me some peace.  Wearing my heart on my sleeve is something I've always struggled with and maybe it's time to put a jacket on and toughen it up a bit.  But at the end of the day I'll persevere....after all it's just a day in the life <3