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When I realized we were going to be quarantined for at least a month I ordered these cute little diamond paintings. In March. I got them in June. I forgot I even ordered them. The mood was gone for working on projects. I really never had that shut down time, I was still working throughout. But, I have really enjoyed making the time to work on this and it made me realize that life is just like this paint by number type art. You don't fully know how beautiful it will turn out until you dive into it. Also, that if you give it all to God (as my picture states) it is much easier to enjoy it.
I've seen a lot of people saying January 2020 me and June 2020 me are completely different. I relate to that. It isn't really about what's going on in the world as much as it is going on personally. New Years morning at 3am I got a call that set the tone for this year and it wasn't a good one. But, it began a year of huge changes for me as a person. It seems like 6 years ago instead of 6 months. Trials are like that. And if you don't roll with the tide you will be pushed and pulled and possibly caught in a rip tide. It can kick your ass, you'll wind up where you're supposed to be but bruised and battered. I have been flowing. I listen to my Angels and my guidance and I DO things that I don't want to do if I'm guided. Even if my ego is screaming-NO! I don't want to do that! WHY do I have to? So, I'm not sure why I got the proverbial crap beat out of me in the last six months when I was doing what I was told. But I feel it's almost like labor and this is the last big push. (if I had a dollar for every time I was foolish enough to believe that...well, I'd have a ton of dollars!) Things have come up one after another of things I didn't even realize I needed to heal, or process or fix. This past weekend was a big one and I am being guided to share it because I think it can help a lot of you. (even though inside I'm saying NO! I don't WANT to share this...it's too personal).
I have an issue with disappointing people. I have an issue with needing to be perfect, or at least for the people I care about to think I'm perfect. I do my best....ALWAYS. I don't half ass anything in my life. If I am giving myself to something it's 100 percent. Sounds good right? Sounds like a good quality to have, right? Not necessarily. Not when you never give yourself a break. Not when you are crestfallen when the people you love don't think you're perfect. (for the record, no one is perfect---I know this. But when I love someone? They're perfect in my eyes, no matter what---even when they drive me crazy).
I never believed that I meant as much to someone as they meant to me. Never. Why? I have no friggin idea. But it's true. I've realized it was a huge downfall. It is through talking to people that have loved me and do love me that I realize I was wrong. Just because I didn't feel perfect enough didn't mean I wasn't perfect to them. Someone once asked me why I felt that I had the market cornered on love. Wow. I remember how that hit me. I should have gone through this realization then----but I didn't. I wasn't ready. Even typing those words right now bring tears to my eyes. This person has been one of my greatest teachers. He made me see myself in a way that no one else ever could. But I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to see myself the way I see myself now. Life works that way sometimes.
I've realized that my kids don't see me as perfect either. That one stung too. I have done my very best to be "perfect" as a mom. My oldest showed me that I wasn't and that was a tough pill to swallow. He's now in a place where he looks at me with those shiny eyes again. He is remembering his childhood with those rose colored glasses that I looked at mine with for so many years. He and I are in this amazing place of mutual respect and love and dare I say adoration. But now it's the younger ones turn to look at me with tainted glasses. Sigh, well you can't win them all. However, through this I'm realizing this is MY issue....my issue of needing to be everything to everyone and for them to think I'm the best thing since sliced bread. Which they DO! But they see my flaws---and that's ok! I don't have the market cornered on love. They can love me even though I'm not perfect, just like I do them. Watching old movies with my kids the other night brought the realization that 3 different people can watch the same scene play out and have 3 very different emotions and memories of that time. And none of them are wrong, perception is reality. And I don't need them to see it the way I do and they don't need me to see it the way they do. How about that? Wow.
So, this past week has been me trying to figure out how and why I got this way (because Heaven forbid it should just be "because I did!") I need to figure out why so I don't repeat it. I'm still working on that. But, my reason for putting this out there is to possibly help someone else with perfection syndrome. Someone who doesn't feel like anyone could ever love them as much. Tell yourself, you don't have the market cornered on love. You aren't the only one who can love unconditionally or overlook imperfections. Others can love you that way too. And you don't have to be "perfect"....there is no such thing. And you can't expect that from anyone else either. All you can do is your best at any given time. And you need to understand that everyone else is doing the same. And it needs to be enough....we need to appreciate those we love for being the best they can be and to believe that they feel the same way. Because after all.....it's just a day in the life.
