There's no load I can't hold, a road so rough this I know....

 

It's October 10th....10/10 portal...magical stuff blah blah blah.  I don't really subscribe to that stuff anymore.  I am more of a let's just let God handle whatever comes or goes. And I'll be dipped in sugar molasses and honey butter if that does not work waaaaayyy better than Angel numbers or portals or moon cycles. I was planning to write a blog about my wishes and how they've changed but now I will be blending that with today's events....

I have a journal that gives you daily prompts that you answer every day for 5 years.  It is so that you can see how things change or how they do not.  Yesterday the prompt was: I want a new_____.  Last year I wrote car.  Well....I'm driving it!  This year I wrote that...well you can see above what I asked for - a new start!  The day before was What is your biggest dream. Last year I had one...one I have had for too many years and since that one does not seem to be in my destiny I decided to let it go.  But when I thought about a new dream I realized....I don't have one.  And instead of being sad about it (my first instinct was oh no, does that mean I am depressed or lazy or I have given up?) I realized I am blessed.  I do not spend my days looking for things I don't have.  I am grateful for what I do have and am happy to follow whatever God's will is for my life, even if it doesn't look the way I wanted.  Which brings me to today's events.

I got a call today that most parents dread..."Mom...some guy just plowed into my car."  The shaky voice, she's so damn strong and yet deep inside is a little girl that still needs her mom.  "Ok...are you ok?"  Yes.  "Is he still there?"  Yes. "Does he have insurance?" Did you call the police?  Not yet.  I told him I needed to call you.  Ok, I'll be right there, send me the address.  I got in the car and started driving.  Of course my mind was all over the place.  But my first thought was Thank you God.  Thank you that my baby girl is ok.  Thank you that it was not her fault (sorry but I knew she would be really upset if it was!)  Thank you that I really have no idea how to deal with this since Thank you God I haven't had to.  I thought about calling several people to get advice or opinions and I thought - why?  I am a big girl and I don't need someone else to tell me what I should do.  I've got this!  The way I always relied on my Dad my daughter relies on me and I will do exactly what my father would do and handle it!  Then the times that I have had these issues happen (I was married) ran through my head.  I had forgotten all about those few times.  But I was proud of how far I had come that my first instinct was to thank God for it all.  I was starting to write this blog about gratitude and how grateful I am that God has given me this fabulous place of surrender and how peaceful and joyful my life is and how I am no longer looking for something to bring that to me and that I can't fix anyone else's lives- no matter how much I love them and want to- and I just need to live my own! And then this not so fun thing happened today and it still just reinforced that.  Instead of it just destroying all the progress I've made it made it stronger.  We even felt so badly for the other driver because he was just so nice and patiently waited for me to get there and then for the police and he got a citation for following too close (they were both stopped at the light and he admitted he had things on his mind and just took his foot off the brake- he's human!)  He apologized to my daughter again and again and just took the citation and didn't blink.  The police officer even felt badly too...have I mentioned how much I love living here?!?!?

Last week we were in Arizona so my daughter could meet her niece and we had lunch with one of my besties.  On the way back to my son's house my daughter mentioned how my friend's life seems to stay the same, like she's got all this stuff that has been going on for over 10 years.  I agreed and it also got me thinking how my life would look if I hadn't made all the changes I have and I just could not imagine living in that unhappiness.  Were the changes easy.....ummmm no.  Were they scary?  Not really because I knew that God had me, but to the average person - terrifying.  Were they worth it?  Every...single...one of them!  I can see now why certain things had to happen the way they did.  I can see the things I had to learn to become who I am today (I like her...she's really cool!) And most importantly I have been the example to my daughter of what it means to be self sufficient and happy!  Has everything turned out the way I wanted....no...but the story isn't over yet. I have faith that God will bring me better than I've lost and more than I've dreamed of.  Because I am so grateful for this day in the life......

Tick-tock on the clock, but the party don't stop

 

It's Sunday, glorious Sunday.  But half of the USA is freaking out about a TikTok ban.  It is making my stomach turn, honestly.  During our morning coffee conversation I had to tell my daughter I could not listen to another thing about Tik Tok and we needed to change the subject.  Yes, I am a bit cranky - I am turning 60 this week, doesn't that come with the territory?  No?  Just some discounts and my body having a few extra creeks?  Ok.  Well then I'm just cranky today.

BUT - this whole insanity revolving around a stupid social media app got my brain going.  I do have a tik tok account, I must be clear - during 2020 shut down it entertained me.  Yes, I have been known to purchase a thing or two off of the Tik Tok shop - guilty.  But I can assure you my life will go on with or without it.  I never realized how much money people made on this app until everyone thought it was going away.  I am not going to lie it pissed me off and terrified me at the same time.  Are we watching a generation grow up without the ability to have a "real job?"  Don't get me wrong - I applaud them for finding a way to avoid the typical 9-5 - I think that's admirable.  I am all for spending your free time doing things you love and with the people you love instead of glued to a desk or a computer or your phone.  However, they are making a living without any real skills to carry them in their later years or if (gasp!) the app gets banned.  AND they are relying on the rest of the world being glued to their damn phones while they take a break from their 9-5 or they relax to recharge after a long week.  Jeez, in a minute I am going to be screaming "Get off my lawn!" I sound so cynical and old.  But I am not.  I am realizing that things need to change in my life as well.  And I have faith that President Trump will not allow the app to be banned (because we live in a free country after all - ask any soldier who has served what the price for that is!) but it almost makes me sad.  I wish it was being banned, but I don't think it will change anything until people are ready to change.

Life is meant to be lived.  Have I mentioned I am turning 60?  I have?  See the mind goes as you get older 😏.  Seriously though - life is short.  Way too short.  And how much of it are we wasting waiting for the next best thing?  Waiting for the weekend, for a holiday, for vacation blah blah blah.  I made a point years ago to not wait for anything.  To live my life to the fullest every day.  Now - my needs are simple.  I don't have a huge bucket list to check off.  I don't need to accomplish a certain thing before xyz happens.  My goals?  To be happy and healthy and find the joy in every single day.  And it works.  I am telling you.  It works!  Am I happy all day every day? Umm no, I just said I was cranky today - are you paying attention? 😎.  However, I have peace in my soul and joy in my heart every day.  Why?  Because I don't have regrets.  If there is something I need to say to someone - I say it.  When I miss someone - I tell them.  When I love someone I show it.  I don't care if it is reciprocated, I don't care if I look pathetic or needy - that's more on the other person no?  I am being genuine.  So I don't have any huge heavy things hanging over me.  Like wow I wish I had..... nope been there done that.  It is very freeing and healthy.   Try it!

Another key to happiness is FAITH.  Yes, faith.  That is the cornerstone to my life.  I never realized how much my dad taught me about faith without even realizing it.  He used to say - "whatever will be will be, if you can't change it why worry? " And another one - "God says are you going to worry about it?  Because if you will then I won't". and my FAVORITE "God has it - it will be okay" Growing up I never realized how potent those statements were.  Wow, I still can't type about my dad without tears - damn it.  I thought they were just cliches.  But I realize now how they weren't - they were life lessons and proof of how to live your life.  When I hear my son and daughter discuss their faith and how they turn to God consistently it makes me feel like my life was well lived.  I did my job with those two.  They are incredible human beings and if I had even a little something to do with shaping them into that than my life was a success.  Now, I want so badly to instill that in every person I come across.  My friend told me yesterday "I know if I want someone to just pacify me, you are not the one to go to."  Yup.  That's right.  I won't allow someone to stay in a pity party - please don't invite me.  Am I compassionate?  To a Fault.  Do I have sympathy for other people?  So very much.  Will I allow you to set up camp in a place where you are obsessing over something instead of giving it to God and having faith?  Yea, no sorry.

When people tell me how shocked they are that I have moved to 3 different states without really every being there and ask me if I was scared.  I answer honestly - no.  Why?  Because I listened to my inner GPS (God is loud when you listen!) And I know that any situation I face, He has been there before me and will stand with me through it all.  What do I have to fear?  Ask yourself that!  What is the worst thing that will happen if you follow that guidance?  Tell someone how you feel?  Find a different career path?  Newsflash - whatever is meant to be will happen - Destiny/Fate it's all mapped out already.  The difference is - the longer you drag your heels or fear an outcome the harder life will be.  You will have the same outcome eventually, but with a lot more pain, bumps and bruises.

So, this very long rant is basically just to encourage you to find something every day that brings you joy - and try to make it not involve your phone and scrolling aimlessly watching other people live theirs.  Because at the end of the day - it's a very important day in the life!

I made a promise, I'll never run and hide

 Have you ever had a dream that lasted all night?  Even if you wake up and go back to sleep it continues?  I have had this happen to me many times. When I was a child there was one dream in particular that happened for years - a giant chasing me through a maze/house.  Even typing that gives me a pit in my stomach, it was terrifying as a child.  I also had one where snakes were biting my feet - there was more to that one but I don't remember it.  I remember waking myself up because I wanted it to stop, yet I would try drifting off to sleep and it would pick up where it left off.  Not sure if there is a reason why these happen but I am not a fan.

So, last night's "dream" was very detailed, however when I woke up and started trying to talk about it the details were hazy.  There was a huge storm/wave coming and everyone at the resort or cruise ship or wherever I was, was terrified.  Everyone was preparing to die, honestly.  Me?  I was in the ocean floating on the waves having a grand time.  The person who I was with (no face, this happens a lot in my dreams - faceless, but I can usually sense who its "supposed" to be) was like ummmm, Tina?  Look behind you.  I was like "OH, hmmmm.  I guess we should get out!"  YA THINK?  So, we went inside this building which was set up for everyone to basically just be piled into rooms like sardines - anticipating death I suppose.  I saw some old friends from Elementary school, and I asked if I could save the seat in between them with my jacket.  They looked at me like I was crazy as I went off, happy as a lark to get some pizza and watch a movie.  Other things happened, fuzzy now, but I remember feeling like no one wanted to be around me, they looked at me like I was out of my mind.  Truth be told I started to feel alone and sad.  But I continued on exploring the ship looking for I am assuming my family.  I finally woke up for the day and ended the extremely uncomfortable dream.

Over coffee this morning I was telling my daughter about it and I realized ---- everyone was prepared to die, and I was like - uhhh no!  God is protecting me, I am fine, I don't know about you all.  And my daughter - in her brilliance - was like Ma, that's what it was.  That is how you are in real life and that is why people don't get you!  I was like Aha!  You are right!  And she said "and the waves represent all the changes that are coming.  We know they're coming but we don't know when it's going to hit.  But we are not scared because we know we will be fine, and God has got us."  Have I mentioned she's brilliant?  And I made her 😃

I don't usually have dreams that can be interpreted this way (at least I don't think so) but perhaps the ones that I cannot wake up from during the night are those types of dreams and I am supposed to learn from them.  I realize part of my purpose in this lifetime is to teach by example how to surrender it all to God.  When you have worries - give them to God.  The more you do that the less you will feel the need to worry, because God is up all night anyway.  I remember my daddy saying to me that God would say "Are you going to worry about this?  Because if you are going to worry about this then I won't because no sense both of us losing sleep over it" - FACTS.  Here's the main issue - if there is something in your life that you are concerned about, and you can change it - than do it!  Make the change and fix it.  If there is something in your life that you can't change - then you have to surrender it to God and let Him work it out in your best interest.  So....basically, worrying is a complete waste of time.  Think about my dream?  All those people were sitting around just waiting to die, while I was walking around eating Pizza and watching a movie.  The end result was the same - however I was enjoying the time while they were wasting it.

Right in front of you is 24 hours - we all have the same 24 hours.  Are you going to spend yours unhappy and glum or are you going to make it more than just a day in the life?  Choice is yours....

I’ve Got the Music in Me

 Music soothes the savage beast.  Music soothes the soul.  Music is magic.  I remember back when my kids were little I took a quiz to see what affects my moods.  I remember candles made me happy...and that I was sensitive to noise.  However, music was right up there with what could affect my mood in a powerful way,  I had a 500 CD holder and I insisted on having speakers in the ceiling of the house we had built in Arizona.  I didn't care about much else, but that was a must have for sure.  I have videos of my boys dancing from the time they could stand.  I love that my kids all love the oldies and know the lyrics of songs that a lot of kids (now adults) would not.

I once did a Facebook post asking people to post a song that reminded them of me.  It was a great experiment.  I am sure there are certain songs that automatically bring you back to a specific moment in your life, or a specific person.  With that comes a flood of feelings, some positive, some not so great.  I have made playlists labeled by people close to me and also a happy playlist and a weepy playlist.  I will try to link the happy ones here.  

Why a weepy playlist?  C'mon - haven't you ever needed a good cry?  I used to weep at the drop of the hat.  As I have gotten older and more hardened sometimes the tears just don't flow.  But you know that feeling in your throat and chest when you just know you need to let it out?  Hence, the weepy playlist.  I have been doing "brain dumps" lately more often then usual and the weepy playlist does the trick - I find myself writing things I didn't even know I felt through the tears and every single time I feel like myself when I am done.

Spotify made me a playlist called "Feel Good Classics".  I have been listening during the week at my desk and it makes my workday fly and I find myself dancing while I get another cup of coffee or have my lunch.  What a mood booster!  Even dealing with cranky guests or vendors my sing song voice is prevelant.  Powerful!

I am turning 59 years old tomorrow.  I was having a bit of a not so great day yesterday and this morning.  I didn't sleep well and woke up cranky.  That is not usually my personality and I was not having it.  So I decided to watch one of my favorite movies and then play that playlist and I instantly felt like myself.  Why haven't I done this more often?  The power in the lyrics and melodies is just magic.  It transports me to a place where life is just easy.  As I type this Sonny and Cher are singing in my ears---I got you babe! It's a time warp back to so many moments in my life.  Happy mostly...today I won't let the sad ones pop up.  Afterall - it is birthday eve and I am celebrating the gift of life.  How lucky I am to be healthy and be given another trip around the sun.  

So I challenge you.....the next time you are feeling down go to your favorite music and find that joy.  I can assure you that it won't let you down.  And when you feel better you DO better.  You can spread positivity around and the world just feels like a better place.  

It’s NOT just a day in the life!

Feel Good Oldies

Blew out my flip flop....stepped on a pop top

    This photo was taken 2 years ago during our first annual Cousins reunion in Marco Island. I had not  seen my cousins in 5 years. It was as if no time had passed. We only spent the day but it was an

 amazing time. You know when you have people in your life that just make you happy being in their

company? That is my Vegas family. We did not know then that this short visit would be the

beginning of a very important tradition.

This photo was taken last year in Fort Lauderdale. Thanks to hurricane Ian this trip almost did not happen. Marco Island was hit hard and my cousins were coming from Vegas and Philly so the logistics were a bit challenging, but we did it! Although we were all only together for 3 days it was another period of rejuvination for my soul. It was once again just so easy to be together and we picked up where we left off! My daughter looks at her 3 cousins as additional siblings and the bantering and and connection is really so amazing to see.  She is not someone who shows her true personality to many people but Machew, Bubba J and Ryguy definitely see the true Lulu. I love watching it. We stayed in a hotel this trip and it was more challenging (connecting rooms apparently mean the same hallway in Ft. Lauderdale) but we made it work and had a blast. From being surrounded by fish in the ocean to closing the pool bar down, this was an amazing trip! We vowed to make it an annual thing!

 This photo was taken yesterday once again in Marco Island.  Our 3rd annual family reunion.  It was by 

far the best one yet! We left feeling rejuvenated in a way that only happens when you are with people that truly love and accept you. It was as if we were together every day. You know those times when you laugh so hard you cannot breathe? A few of us actually had headaches from laughing too much. It was so needed for me. There are very few people in my life that make me feel like I can just be myself and not worry about the aftermath. My cousins are these people to me. It was so relaxing and easy and just fun! We are able to have those tough talks about big issues and then laugh until we cry (literally-there was snorting!). How blessed am I to have this in my life? And how fabulous to see my daughter be 100 percent unapologetically herself and be embraced for it. Uncle K and Aunt R are exactly what Lulu needed at this time in life, so it was not just me that needed it.  And my nephews, Machew, Bubba J and Ryguy are 3 of my favorite people in the world.  They are so easy to be with and I can talk to them about anything and I love watching them grow into the incredible men they are becoming.  We are already looking forward to next year!  

This trip has shown me how important it is to be around people you love and how important it is to maintain those connections.  Rockin R and I have made a point of catching up with a phone call at least once a month and I look forward to those calls so much.  I drove home last night feeling lighter than I have in a very long time.  I fell into bed physically exhausted yet emotionally alive in the best possible way.  I am so very very grateful to have this to look forward to every year and have these 5 people in my life....it makes me feel joy.  My absolute favorite emotion.  And having that joy makes me know there is more on the way and I am excited for it.  Life is what you make it ---so let's make it right.  It is too short to be stuck in unhappiness, or the day to day blahs that become your normal way of life.  Every day is NOT just a day in the life --- it is what you make it and for me?  I am choosing joy....and whenever I can I will do something that makes me feel that----every day in the life.

Look at the stars....how they all shine for you

Today.....today was one of those perfect days. I will try my very hardest to remember this feeling and this day when things get hard (which of course they will - this is life after all) 2022 was probably the hardest year of my life. That says a lot, since in the last decade I have gotten divorced, moved 4 times, lost both of my parents, and that is just the tip of the iceberg. But 2022 ---- it was (I believe) the ending of a time of torment and it had to get it's last licks in. And if today is any indication of what is to come -- it was all worth it. Every single moment. I am blessed. I know this. My family is protected. I know this. But that does not mean that bad things do not happen. But I don't want to focus on 2022 - I want to focus on today. I started my morning with a phone call from my oldest son in California before I had my coffee. Normally, he texts me that early with our good morning gratitudes. It is something we have started recently. But a phone call that early would have sent me into a panic in the past (especially because we spoke last night) But it doesn't anymore. He's doing well - so well that I do not believe I have ever seen this version of my son as an adult. He had good news for me - that's why he called. So we started chatting and wow - it went deep. He gave me a gift that he didn't even know I needed. He thanks me all the time for things I've done, things I am still doing, I do not need thanks. I tell him, all I need is for him to live his best life. THAT is the greatest gift to me. He understands me very well. All three of my children do, honestly. Because I have always been honest and open about my life and my feelings with them. But he relates a lot to who I was as a child and things I have shared about that period in my life. He is also the one who saw the toxicity of my marriage more than the other two. He understands now things I did to protect them. I guess what he gave me yesterday was validation. Something he has never given me before. I hung up the phone feeling like I could conquer the world. Feeling like if this was my last day on earth I would be able to die happy. The joy in my heart was overflowing that my baby boy (who is a man) is in such a great space and our relationship is where it is. It did not end there ----- my creme filling son and I had a catch up call this week. The time difference and our work schedules do not allow that as often as we would like. It was just so great. We text nearly every day, but those phone calls are needed. So we were texting today and it was great. My daughter in law also thanked me for raising him - that was a bonus too. Then out of the blue tonight he sent me a song and said "make sure you're not in public" - again, he knows me well. I sobbed my eyes out - I am crying now as I type this. It was very similar to what my oldest said to me earlier. I cannot explain the feeling --- I grew up in a very male dominant household, my father and brother did not show their emotions (the soft ones) and I thought men did not have emotions. I thought men were made of stone. I believe that is why I chose my ex husband. He showed emotions. He cried. He described loving me in words that curled my toes. But, as soon as we got engaged that went away. So----I assumed that that is how it worked. Now he was just like all the other men in my life. I thought this was normal! I was determined to let my sons show emotions and not be ridiculed for them. I succeeded. Then they became men. And I see they don't show them to the outside world (which is fine! That is saved for the ones that love you!) but I know what goes on inside. And it has given me a whole new insight into the male species. I wish I had known all of this when I was a young girl. It would have helped me understand that women aren’t the only ones with feelings. Raising these boys changed my life in ways they will never know. These men that I raised....they have given me a run for my money. From childhood and their constant fighting to their teen years which made me long for the days when all I had to do was deal with their fighting to their 20s which have had more ups and downs then the tower of terror in Disneyworld. But today----today I got to see a glimpse of what it was all for. These men....are incredible. They love me just as much as they did when they were little. They will always need me, in a very different way, but need me nonetheless. All of those prayers, and sleepless nights and days when I did SO many things that I really did not want to do and the days I felt like a failure (a lot of those)----it was all worth it. Every minute of it. Today (and I know this will not be permanent unlike the old me who thought once things were good they stayed that way) today is that day when all is right with the world. And I feel HAPPY and JOYFUL and dare I say bliss. Today was SO much more than a day in the life.....

Unbreak my heart----bring back the joy to my life

 If any of you have google photos you will know that every once in a while it makes a collage of pictures for you with a nifty little title.  I usually love that.  Today, however I looked at them and I realized.....I am not the same person I was in 2013.  I read energy in photos.  I read eyes.  Well my eyes do not have the same sparkle they did in the beginning of 2013.  Something happened at the end of 2013 that changed me.  I realize now I believe it broke my soul.  I have not been the same since.  I sent a message to my creme filling son stating this and he agreed.  It changed me.  I lost a part of myself.  I want to get her back.  I have been working SO hard to get her back for the last 8 years.  I know part of her needed to change and fall away.  The codependent part.  The possessive part, the combative part.  I don't miss her AT all.  Good riddance.  But the part of her that found such JOY in life---the one who didn't expect people to hurt her, didn't accept it as part of life---where the hell did she go?  Is she ever coming back?  I don't think so.  And that makes me sad.  She was fun.  She did not hold back on loving people.  She was shocked and hurt and genuinely disappointed when someone treated her poorly and hurt her heart instead of expecting it.  

I always thought I became this way because of disappointment in romantic relationships.  I always seem to choose emotionally unavailable people.  I have come to realize that was because I thought if only I could prove my love enough they would need me the way I needed them.  It was a personality flaw in myself.  But the person that hurt me in this way was not a romantic partner.  I think that is why I was so shocked by this revelation today.  It also wasn't one of my parents--nope can't blame childhood trauma.  But this revelation today opens a whole new chapter in my healing journey.  I probably journaled 20 pages in the last few days.  

I had to take an emergency trip over the weekend and my reaction to everything was so detached.  I was crying on the way home thinking---what is WRONG with me?  Why am I so cold?  So calm?  So---unemotional?  My daughter - who is brilliant and truly an incredible human being - explained it how she sees it.  I no longer allow people to have a part of me just because of DNA or past relationships.  I treat people as they treat me and I don't let people have that part of me that is reserved for those that treat me properly.  Ok.  That makes sense, but I don't like being so detached.  However, as I write this I am crying---so it's there, the emotion.  I am not made of stone.  I just can't allow myself to get hurt the way I used to.  And that all started in 2013.  I was emotionally destroyed by someone I loved more than I thought I could love a person, someone I trusted to never hurt me.  And I was unprepared. So unprepared.  And  it happened again nearly every year since. It happened again in August.  And I haven't even shed a tear.  It is like I expected it.  I did not get angry.  I did not get upset. I just shrugged and said "It is what it is.  I did nothing wrong and this is not my fault."   Ahhhh, that's the difference!  In the past I blamed myself.  Beat myself up over and over again.  Changed the behavior.  Changed ME.  But guess what?  I am no longer taking blame when I did not cause a situation.  And not that I needed confirmation, but I have received confirmation from people close to the situation that this is not my fault.  But whether or not I have allowed it to destroy me again, it did enough damage the first time, obviously.  So what do I do?  Can I ever get that person I was back?  Do I want to?

For me....it is safer being this person.  I have allowed several people to destroy me since 2013.  Several times.  I always forgive, but I am not sure I can fully allow myself to FEEL the things I used to.  I still love, but it is guarded.  It is like I am always expecting them to hurt me or let me down and when they do I just accept it.  It's like I just don't care anymore about things that I used to.  Will that ever change?  I hope so.  It is not fair to anyone who comes into my life.

Two weeks ago I got some life changing news.  I am still processing it and I truly could not function for a good part of a week.  Then, last week I met my cousins from Las Vegas at the beach.  I had a blissful, joyful day.  We floated in the water, had lunch, just shared life and enjoyed each other's company.  I told my daughter on the way home, THIS.... TODAY is what I want in my life.  Easy conversations, people who GET me without me having to defend myself.   I drove 6 hours to spend 7 hours with them.  It was worth every second in the car.  I know the more time like that I spend the more I will get back to who I want to be.  But I also know that it requires me to either remove people from my life permanently or to keep them at arms length.  What concerns me the most is the lack of emotion that I feel even about the good stuff.  I guess it's because I know that the good stuff doesn't last, so why get excited about it.  It is just a matter of time before it disappears and you never know if and when it will come back.  And if it does, for how long?  

I have found a way to live in the moment.  I appreciate every single day and I realize that everything happens for a reason---even this situation and discovery today.  Because after all.....it's just a day in the life.

Like a fool I am and I'll always be....I've got a dream, I've got a dream

 There was a time when seeing these signs would fill me with such joy and conviction.  Today?  I think...hmmm ok, so the path I'm on, does it include an oncoming train?  Because the light I keep being told is around the corner?  I'm pretty damn sure that's what's coming.

I know I'm supposed to somehow encourage people with this blog...and with my Chat with your Angels page.  But honestly?  Not in that place right now.  Sorry.  Maybe knowing that even someone with a Mary Sunshine, Snow White attitude can fall and be unsure too will help someone else....

I live my life always looking for the bright side...the positive in every negative.  But quite frankly?  I'm sick to death of it.  Every time I think things are getting better I get slammed with a bunch more negative things that quite honestly?  At this moment?  I'm just not equipped to handle anymore.  Getting out of bed lately is a chore.  I don't want to face the day.  I meditate and journal and pray and that gives me just enough to turn the coffee pot on. I thank God every single morning and night for all the blessings I have, because I KNOW there are a lot of them.  But the joy, peace, happiness that I was so sure was the future?  It's just not there anymore.  There was a time when I was excited that my future was not predictable.  Moving out of the home I shared with my ex husband....was exilirating!   Moving across the country to Florida with my kids?  Again...amazing....freeing....and now?  I'm preparing for another move....just a few states away this time, but still.  New place, new environment....it's exciting.  But there are opportunities that keep showing themselves to me and make me wonder if I'm supposed to stay here.  Like a toddler I want to kick and scream and say I DON'T WANNNNNNAAAAAA.  Cross my arms over my chest and hrmph...NO!  But then I get scared...what if this is wrong?  What if I'm supposed to wait?  What if this is my path?  What if my happily ever after is not part of the plan?  Then I get the signs above ^^^and normally I would be like okey dokey then....let's get packing.  But now?  I doubt everything.  I doubt my ability to be a good mom, to be anything to anyone.  My company is really wanting me to stay here...and being wanted, well that's a huge trigger for me.  Having someone not want to lose you?  That's pretty enticing.  My self worth is in the toilet these days so knowing I'm a "valuable asset" makes me doubt my decisions.

I went to a hypnosis meditation group the other night and part of it was to put yourself back to your 10 year old self, then your 15 year old self.  What did you want to be?  Who was your best friend?  What did you like to do?  I have always wanted to be a wife and a mother.  That has always been my goal and my purpose.  I realized I wanted to be like MY mother....and I wanted a marriage like my parents.  My mother did everything so selflessly for all of us.  I modeled myself after her.  My marriage did not turn out like my parents.  Quite the opposite.  My children, I can confidently say at this moment in time, all love me and know there is nothing I would not do for them.  It feels good to be able to say that again. My oldest and I are still not communicating, but I have it from a reliable source that that is about to change.   But 2 of the 3 of them are adults now.  So, what now?  What is my goal now?

The meditation group was all about releasing that which no longer serves you.  Limiting beliefs that hold you back.  I wasn't sure I had any, but during the meditation it came to me so clearly.  I'm not good enough.  That's my biggest one.  The tears flowed down my face in this room of strangers all lying on their yoga mats.  I thought I had overcome that one.  I really did.  I felt worthy of all the good things I truly believed were coming my way.  But honestly?  How many times can I be rejected and ignored and denied before I realize that I'm NOT good enough apparently.  After the meditation was over one of the participants came over and touched my arm and he said to me "I'm not sure what your limitations are but for what it's worth you seem pretty perfect" I stared at him blankly because um, huh?  I didn't say a word.  He continued and said he noticed the change in my energy from when I came in and was chatty and bubbly to now when I looked like I lost my best friend.  I thanked him for the sweetness and went on my way.  I would like to say it made a difference, but it didn't.  I have a lot of people who tell me I have great energy, blah blah blah.  What good does it do me?  Every time I move ahead and try to find the peace and happiness that I so desperately crave it's taken away from me.  Whether it's health issues or financial issues or logistics of the upcoming move.  I'm tired.  The days are flying by and I don't feel like any progress is being made in my life.  I've been trying to make sure I pack at least a box a day...I can't seem to even focus enough to make a list.



Wow.  That was written on April 12th 2018-----I had saved it as a draft.  I guess I wasn't ready to share that with the world.  I'm ready now. For the record I took the job with my company---I stayed in Florida and it was the best decision I could have made.  I love my job!  It is challenging and rewarding and it's exactly what I needed and I'm so glad I followed my guidance instead of that toddler that was insisting she didn't wannnnnnnaaaaaaaaa.   I'm in a completely different place *most* of the time.   I can confidently say that that meditation worked.  I no longer feel like I'm not enough--- ever.  I cleared that and released that and I feel very confident in my worthiness---only took nearly 55 years, not bad 😏  I am now in a place of taking life one day at a time.  I no longer look towards the future to bring me happiness.  I find joy in almost every day.  Even if it's a tiny sliver.  I make time for myself and for things that bring me joy.  Because I'm worth it-----and so are you!  What are you putting off until tomorrow that you could do today to bring you happiness?  What brings joy to your soul?  If you can't muster joy why not try something that makes you feel better than you did yesterday?  If you do that every day you'll be feeling joy daily in no time.  A very important fact I've discovered that I was never able to do until now is not to put that happiness in a person or a place or a thing.  Nothing that can be taken away from you---that's a recipe for disaster!  Find joy in things that you have control over---read a book, call a friend, cook, bake, exercise, write, watch a favorite show, take a drive--- you get the drift.  I try to find one thing every day that I look forward to and if my day gets off track I remind myself of that one thing I'm looking forward to.  It makes all the difference.  Try it.  Now.  Not tomorrow, not next week.....now.  Let me know how it works for you?  Because after all----it's truly a day in the life 💓

Wake me up when September ends.....

During this time of such huge change I've felt very alone.  Which is so bizarre because in the last month while Florida was being hit with such extreme weather my phone was blowing up with people checking up on me.  I think the alone feeling comes from me dealing with every emotional situation and daily activities on my own for so long.  And lets face it, at the end of the day I'm the one who has to lay my head on the pillow, alone, and the things that I think and feel are in my head and heart and only I truly understand those things.

I'm still confused when I think about what state I'm in....where I'm from....this adjustment is still happening.  It's frustrating to me.  I don't like limbo.  I don't like feeling uneasy or unsettled.  But there's a lesson in this I'm sure.  I'm tired of trying to figure it all out, to be quite honest.  I told my sister the other day that I feel like a worn out security blanket that they keep putting back into the washing machine to get another use out of.  You know what I'm talking about...the one that's in tattered shreds and is barely held together?  Yea, that one.  My kids have been really good about understanding that I'm hanging by a thread.  Their compassion for how much I've been through in the past year and a half is really a testament to the type of people I've raised.  It makes me so happy to see.  They love me, no matter what frazzled state I'm in.  I'm sure they are looking forward to the time when their mom is back in full force....and stays that way.  Guess what?  So am I!  I don't like feeling weak.  I don't like being unhappy and I hate complaining.  So I shut down.  It's the only way I know how to cope with all of this.  I trick my mind into believing things that my heart might not agree with.  This has helped me throughout my life to avoid feeling pain or sadness.  I think that mechanism is malfunctioning because at this point in my life it's making me feel weak.  Like I should just face it and move on.  But I just can't do it.  I tried.  I let that wall down for a while and allowed myself to try to work through pain and sadness and anxiety (yes, that's a new one for me) but I just can't do it anymore.  Not when I don't have an end in sight.  Whenever my kids and I would say good bye to our family we would always be fine when we knew when we would see them again---even if that time was almost a year away---we were ok, we knew there was an end to the time apart.  At this moment in time I have no end in sight to these feelings, so the only way to stop them is to shut them off.

I took my first road trip with my daughter yesterday to see my dad.  I would love to say it was the fun exciting trip I think she wanted but it wasn't.  We have the dogs with us and Roxie cried for the first hour of the trip, I slipped and fell at the rest stop, we hit a horrific rain storm.....you get the drift.  Then I walked into my dad's home and it hit me yet again.  She's not here.  He rearranged the furniture when my brother was here last week and I felt angry. NO! mommy put it that way it has to stay!  A far cry from where I was earlier this year thinking it was good that my dad was wanting to change things.  He has a shrine set up to her.....I lost it.  I had to go into the bathroom because I didn't want him or my daughter to see it.  That was a big mistake because all the memories of my the times I spend in front of that mirror with my mom.  I had to shut it down.  I put on the mask and joined them in the living room.  Then my daughter was talking to her brother at college and the tears came again.  I miss him.  I talk to him every day most of the time texting all day too but I miss him. Then I got a text from my oldest son checking on me.  He asked if there was anything I wanted him to do before I got home.  I told him one thing.  He sent me a picture showing me it was already done.  Tears.  Again.  I want so badly to be my usual happy self.  I miss crying happy tears.  I miss being able to deal with whatever life throws me without skipping a beat.  September sucks.  My spiritual friends keep telling me there's a weird energy, mercury retrograde blah blah blah. I'm sure they're right but I don't like to place blame on anything but me.  I'm in control of my actions and feelings.  People telling me that I've been through so much is getting old, I just want to feel better and be happy.

So, today I begin going to back to my meditation schedule, my morning and evening gratitude and living in the moment and enjoying it for what it is.  Tomorrow isn't promised, I know this, so every day I want to be able to say if it was my last one on earth that I would be satisfied with it.  And after all.....it's just a day in the life.

Filling the Void

Think back on a time when you were really happy.  Can you feel the excitement?  The joy?  The just overwhelming feeling of gratitude for this incredible experience?  We've all had them. For me....those moments always had this feeling that it wasn't complete.  I felt the joy and the gratitude but there was a feeling that something was missing.  I would talk myself out of it.  I would tell myself that I was expecting too much, that I was afraid the happiness wouldn't last and talking myself out of the happiness....it made sense, right? Well until recently it did.

There were other times that I was finally doing something that I had always wanted to do, or maybe an event I had waited for finally arrived and I should have been over the moon.  But, in my chest, next to my heart there was this feeling....like something was wrong, or missing.  I would tell myself I was nuts, it's in my head.  I wish I had listened to my gut.  Listened to that feeling and known that it was not right.   I'd like to say that at this point in time I've learned my lesson.  But you know what they say, hindsight is 20/20.  Each time I go through one of these situations I take some of that into the next experience and I always take away something to help in the next one.

I think I've been so trained to have no expectations so that I wont be disappointed that sometimes I watered down my needs and desires until I settled for so much less than what brought me fulfillment.  This is what caused the void...the hole, the dissatisfaction that I felt deep in my soul.  How to fix this?  Well, first of all I think it's important to truly get to know yourself.  The real you, not the you that society tells you to be, the you that makes your heart pound and overflow with love and happiness.  The real you that admits things that may not be popular to the rest of the world.  That's the person that can tell you what needs to be done to make your soul sing.  Once you learn to listen to that voice, that person inside then you can begin to fill the hole inside.  But you need to trust it.  The whole process.  It will bring you to places you've never dreamed of.  For me?  It all began with a list.  A wish list for the important things I wanted.  And then, the key was to let go of how those things would come to me.  I just knew they would.  And from that moment on life began filling in the void.  If you would have told me 6 months ago that my life would be what it is right now I would not have listened. But I knew, in that deep part of my soul, that it would be amazing...I just couldn't see the hows and the whys, but guess what?  That's the key...letting go of control and allowing life to flow.  The results are beyond amazing.  Spectacular.  The void is gone and the hole has been filled.

My philosophy on life is that everything happens for a reason.  I love watching life unfold and realizing why things in the past have happened.  It gives me peace to know that the events that had unfolded were all part of a master plan.  This is part of the reason why I have no regrets in life.  I know that, even though I could have learned lessons more quickly and less painlessly, the timing of everything is the way it should be. You are exactly where you are supposed to be at any given moment.

The future is now.....

I'm trying to live in the moment.  I'm trying to not focus on anything but today and enjoying what it brings.  I was succeeding.  I was sitting at the beach and just feeling peaceful.  I was imagining myself someday having a small condo near the ocean where I could write and just be.  I'm starting to feel happier alone then I am with people.  Within 10 minutes of plopping my ass on the sand I was getting texts from my oldest son about the state of the world and our government and I began to get stressed.  Then my middle son came and sat down next to me and started rattling off a billion things about the future---colleges, cars, taking his driving test, seeing his friends this weekend after we get home.  I was annoyed.  I started to cry.  I looked at him and said "Can I PLEASE just enjoy right now?"  He looked hurt and I felt bad for a second, then I let it go.  It was too late, the frustration and sadness came.  Damn it!  What is it about men that can do that to me?  My ex husband used to stress me out ALL the time!  I realized that this vacation to Florida was the best I'd ever had-----there's a reason for that.  I have no man in my life to answer to.  I have no one to rain on my parade.  I don't blame the men I've had in my life, I blame myself for allowing it to happen.  Why am I so affected by their energy?  Why have I lived my life to this point taking on whatever the men in my life were feeling?  Why do I still allow it to happen with my sons, not just my partners?  I don't know.  

When I had gone to marriage counseling years ago within 3 minutes the counselor told me I had daddy issues.  Mind you the reason we were there was that my ex husband had joined a dating site and was chatting with some girl on line and on the telephone---but ok, I HAD daddy issues.  Instantaneously I was annoyed.  Somehow this was MY fault?  No, don't think so---thanks bye now!  We never went back.  Over the last 15 years since that happened I have often had those thoughts come to me whenever I realize I allow men to affect me too much.  I happen to have an AMAZING relationship with my daddy---and I can't remember a time in my life when I didn't.  When I was younger yes he was strict but not so much that I was scarred by it.  I never wanted to disappoint my parents, but I feel that's what good parenting does to you.  My kids don't want to disappoint me either---I don't see anything wrong with that.  I do remember our household revolving around my dad---I don't see anything wrong with that either, he was/is a hardworking, loving man who wanted nothing but the best for his family.  He never put his own needs first, he just did what was needed for the 5 of us.  He treated my mother like a queen --bringing her flowers every month on the day of their anniversary.  Every Valentines day I woke up to candy and a stuffed animal from my daddy.  Saturday nights he'd come home from work with special bakery treats for us on Sunday morning.  Hmmm....daddy issues?  Maybe.   Maybe my issue is that no man in my life has ever lived up to my dad.  I tried to be that wife, like my mom was, that did everything for her husband to make his life easier.   I tried to greet him at the door like a king---it backfired royally.  My ex-husband just took that as an opportunity to expect more from me and give less.   My dad never discussed any issues he had he just took care of them---that's what I do.  However, I was always the one who wanted everyone to come to me and tell me about what was bothering them---talk to me---I'll help you fix it.  Well that was great, except now that my boys are older I CAN'T fix everything and even if I can they don't always listen to my advice.  So I have to learn not to take their problems on myself and let it change my energy--HA!  Good luck.  It makes me sad that I am imagining my future alone on the beach rather than in the big house with the porch covered in grandchildren that I used to envision.  How did this happen?  Is this a bad change?  What happened to the person I was just a year ago?  It's all happening too fast!

I took a moment on the beach to wipe my tears and talk to my daughter.  She is such a free spirit, so happy go lucky---she's me when I was a kid!  I want her to stay that way!  She was busy writing initials in the sand (mine and the man she wants to be her dad) and protecting it from the tide.  I told her "Em, promise me you will never let a boy change who you are!  Don't let a boy, or anyone else for that matter, steal your joy."  She wiped my tears with a sandy hand and said with a giggle "of course mama!"....and there is still hope <3

Who needs a prince?

I am very very hard on myself.  I am also hard on those I love...I expect a lot from them, especially my children.  I'm working on it.  I'm getting better every day.  Learning to let go and free myself of these expectations, letting go of the picture in my head of how life is supposed to be is a difficult yet necessary task.  I am a work in progress and some days I just can't seem to find the balance and others (like today) I balance it perfectly.  I want more days like today and I'm determined to make sure I have them.

I am technically on vacation right now, although I am still working (actually working twice my normal hours) and in addition to that running to Doctor's appointments with my mom and food shopping daily and menu planning and cooking and cleaning---for some reason it feels different.  I'm enjoying it (well, minus the doctor's appointments) because it's all that I'm focusing on.  When I'm home, I always seem to have a million other things pulling at me.  Here at my parent's house I only need to focus on the immediate things that need to be done.  It feels good to take care of people and have them want me to.  My sons are growing into men and they don't want me fussing over them anymore.  I am a fusser, I can't help it.  I like taking care of my loved ones--at one point in my life it's how I gave myself worth.  That's not the case anymore but I still like to do it.  I guess part of me always wanted someone to fuss over me---not that I would know how to handle that, but I think at this stage of my life I'd like to try.

I was in such a bad place the last two days, so sad and feeling numb and as I watched my daughter in the pool I thought---amazing--she can have fun all by herself just using her imagination.  I listened to her make believe game of mermaids and sharks and I remembered summers of my youth where I did the exact same thing!  I remember pretending I was a mermaid and I got trapped in a cage by an evil villain and of course my handsome prince rescued me.  That's where it all started...my lifetime of waiting for that handsome prince to save me from myself.  My daughter doesn't need that prince--she rescues herself and I love that!  Being a child of divorce I sometimes worry about how she will be when she finally has her first love, her first relationship---will she be needy and clingy like I was?  I don't think so!  See, she is seeing the woman I am now, the woman who handles everything and doesn't ask for anyone's approval.  She is boy crazy, don't get me wrong --- she definitely wants that happily every after, but she isn't looking for it to save her and Amen to that!  Anyway, I digress.....

The reason for this entry was that I realized, while I was watching her, that I never really just let go and enjoy life.  I'm always reserved for some reason, even when I'm having fun it's not that uninhibited fun that I had as a kid.  So I set out to make a bucket list.  A list of things I want to do in the next however many years, to enrich my life and have fun!  I've come a long way because the list started flowing easily.  It was inspired this morning when I woke up and I decided I was going to have a better day and a better life!  No more waiting for that handsome prince -I was going to save myself.  And today, when I took my daughter swimming guess who got in the pool and showed her how to do front flips and back flips and handstands and handsprings?  That's right---this mama!  She had so much fun and so did I, I felt like a kid again.  Of course, my body IS still 49 so I'm not sure the handsprings were such a good idea (my back says it definitely wasn't) but it's just the beginning....and it's just a day in the life xoxox