Saturday, April 21, 2018

When a girl changes from bobby socks to stockings....

Today is my baby girl's first formal dance.  I've been very relaxed during her growing up phases.  Much more so than that of my sons.  Mostly because I AM a girl so I enjoy reliving moments of my life with her and remembering how I felt and talking about it all with her.  I have been more or less in denial I think of the fact that she's my baby.  Throughout this whole process of the 8th grade I've been in a robotic state as she came home with information about the 8th grade trip and Gradventure and the formal and the Luau and all the other fun things they have planned.  I was excited for her and basically just followed her lead.  OK, what do you need for this?  OK, let's get this or do that.  Today.....it's hitting me.  Oh shit, like a ton of bricks.  She's growing up!  She's not that little girl anymore.  She mentioned yesterday about how I used to do her hair for dance competitions and we'd spray it like 24 times before she went on stage.  How I'd do her mascara and she'd blink.  She reminded me of how I'd put Nair on her legs and use this newfangled hair removal thing when she was 5 because the hair poking through her tights made her self conscious.  Wow.  I hadn't remembered those days in a long time.  Now?  I basically just show up and pay for things.  She has her own style and taste and vision of what she wants it to look like....my opinion and assistance is no longer needed.  I've still been so wrapped up in her brothers lives (because they do still need me) that I was more or less relieved that she was so easy.  But now?  That she reminded me of the days when I was needed so much....I'm really sad today.  There was a time that this formal would have meant I had to set aside a whole day to prepare her.  I would have had everything laid out the morning of ready to go and I'd set aside extra time in case of wardrobe malfunctions or hair that wouldn't curl or makeup debacles.  Today?  Her future sister in law is doing her make up and I'm taking her to get her hair done. She did her own nails last night.  I'm kind of an extra.  Then I realized in 2 weeks or so I'm going to be dropping her off at school and she's going to be taking a bus and an airplane and going to a Broadway play....without me.  What was I thinking agreeing to all of this?  Then she has a trip to Universal Studios with her class and she's going to be riding all those extreme roller coasters and I won't be there to see the exhilaration on her face.  This is just the beginning. 

See, when the boys had these firsts I always had other kids who needed me and distractions.  At the moment I have no distractions and no one else who needs my attention.  At first I was like woo hoo me time!  Today?  I'm just sad.  I ran into my creme filling son at the store yesterday and we were chatting in the aisles and then walked out to the cars together and went our separate ways.  It made me realize that in a few short months he won't be coming through the door every day anymore.  We won't be living in the same house again.  He's excited to start this next phase of his life, but (like me) he's also struggling with the ending of this one.

I just envisioned my life to be so different when this phase came.  I was actually looking forward to it not too long ago.  But, things change and the only choice we have is to go along or be dragged.  Because no matter what you want or envision life goes on, with or without you.  So enjoy the good times and try not to focus on the bad.  Because after all, it's just a day in the life.