Unbreak my heart----bring back the joy to my life

 If any of you have google photos you will know that every once in a while it makes a collage of pictures for you with a nifty little title.  I usually love that.  Today, however I looked at them and I realized.....I am not the same person I was in 2013.  I read energy in photos.  I read eyes.  Well my eyes do not have the same sparkle they did in the beginning of 2013.  Something happened at the end of 2013 that changed me.  I realize now I believe it broke my soul.  I have not been the same since.  I sent a message to my creme filling son stating this and he agreed.  It changed me.  I lost a part of myself.  I want to get her back.  I have been working SO hard to get her back for the last 8 years.  I know part of her needed to change and fall away.  The codependent part.  The possessive part, the combative part.  I don't miss her AT all.  Good riddance.  But the part of her that found such JOY in life---the one who didn't expect people to hurt her, didn't accept it as part of life---where the hell did she go?  Is she ever coming back?  I don't think so.  And that makes me sad.  She was fun.  She did not hold back on loving people.  She was shocked and hurt and genuinely disappointed when someone treated her poorly and hurt her heart instead of expecting it.  

I always thought I became this way because of disappointment in romantic relationships.  I always seem to choose emotionally unavailable people.  I have come to realize that was because I thought if only I could prove my love enough they would need me the way I needed them.  It was a personality flaw in myself.  But the person that hurt me in this way was not a romantic partner.  I think that is why I was so shocked by this revelation today.  It also wasn't one of my parents--nope can't blame childhood trauma.  But this revelation today opens a whole new chapter in my healing journey.  I probably journaled 20 pages in the last few days.  

I had to take an emergency trip over the weekend and my reaction to everything was so detached.  I was crying on the way home thinking---what is WRONG with me?  Why am I so cold?  So calm?  So---unemotional?  My daughter - who is brilliant and truly an incredible human being - explained it how she sees it.  I no longer allow people to have a part of me just because of DNA or past relationships.  I treat people as they treat me and I don't let people have that part of me that is reserved for those that treat me properly.  Ok.  That makes sense, but I don't like being so detached.  However, as I write this I am crying---so it's there, the emotion.  I am not made of stone.  I just can't allow myself to get hurt the way I used to.  And that all started in 2013.  I was emotionally destroyed by someone I loved more than I thought I could love a person, someone I trusted to never hurt me.  And I was unprepared. So unprepared.  And  it happened again nearly every year since. It happened again in August.  And I haven't even shed a tear.  It is like I expected it.  I did not get angry.  I did not get upset. I just shrugged and said "It is what it is.  I did nothing wrong and this is not my fault."   Ahhhh, that's the difference!  In the past I blamed myself.  Beat myself up over and over again.  Changed the behavior.  Changed ME.  But guess what?  I am no longer taking blame when I did not cause a situation.  And not that I needed confirmation, but I have received confirmation from people close to the situation that this is not my fault.  But whether or not I have allowed it to destroy me again, it did enough damage the first time, obviously.  So what do I do?  Can I ever get that person I was back?  Do I want to?

For me....it is safer being this person.  I have allowed several people to destroy me since 2013.  Several times.  I always forgive, but I am not sure I can fully allow myself to FEEL the things I used to.  I still love, but it is guarded.  It is like I am always expecting them to hurt me or let me down and when they do I just accept it.  It's like I just don't care anymore about things that I used to.  Will that ever change?  I hope so.  It is not fair to anyone who comes into my life.

Two weeks ago I got some life changing news.  I am still processing it and I truly could not function for a good part of a week.  Then, last week I met my cousins from Las Vegas at the beach.  I had a blissful, joyful day.  We floated in the water, had lunch, just shared life and enjoyed each other's company.  I told my daughter on the way home, THIS.... TODAY is what I want in my life.  Easy conversations, people who GET me without me having to defend myself.   I drove 6 hours to spend 7 hours with them.  It was worth every second in the car.  I know the more time like that I spend the more I will get back to who I want to be.  But I also know that it requires me to either remove people from my life permanently or to keep them at arms length.  What concerns me the most is the lack of emotion that I feel even about the good stuff.  I guess it's because I know that the good stuff doesn't last, so why get excited about it.  It is just a matter of time before it disappears and you never know if and when it will come back.  And if it does, for how long?  

I have found a way to live in the moment.  I appreciate every single day and I realize that everything happens for a reason---even this situation and discovery today.  Because after all.....it's just a day in the life.