Just stop your crying, it's a sign of the times...welcome to the final show!

 Today, my youngest child has her last day of high school.  Wow.  The end of an era.....the end of what feels like is my whole life and I am sure feels like it's been her whole life too.  She got picked up this morning, which made yesterday the last day I drove her and it was unbeknownst to me which was fabulous! .She got her cap and gown yesterday, but luckily I did not have too much time to get emotional because we had a dress disaster (note to anyone--do not order a dress with a pouf to go under a graduation gown unless you want to look like you are much larger than you are!

We have both been very busy and distracted these last few weeks.. She's been really enjoying her friends and activities and just really GOOD stuff.  But, she is my daughter through and through.  Last night as we had dinner and caught up on life she said that she was really drained.  It is catching up with her, all this social stuff.  We are definitely the same in that we need down time alone in order to recharge.  I think Monday it will possibly hit her--but I do not know.  This little girl whoops, this young woman has been through so much in her 18 years on this planet and she handles it all like a boss, I am not sure how it will affect her.  I just see a lot more emotion lately so I have to think it's all boiling up under the surface.  She thanked me on Monday for always showing her strength and how to handle things like a "bad ass bitch"--- it's funny, I feel like I have shown my kids my weakness more times than I can count---they have seen me at my worst, where I am crying so hard I cannot breathe.  But I guess, when it matters....when life really knocks me down, all they see is that I get up again and hold my head up and do what needs to be done.  And they follow suit.  I guess, that's what matters right?

I do not remember making a fuss over my son's last day of school---I guess it did not occur to me because I was excited for their next phase of life.  I knew it was not an ending but a beautiful exciting beginning. Also, they never seemed to make a big deal out of stuff like that.  For my daughter this is all a very big deal.  She told me her brother (cream filling) texted her this morning about it---she was really happy about that.  Normally, my daughter does not care about milestones or getting attention or recognition, so it's a really hard thing to know when she wants a fuss and when she does not.  But I know this is a huge event for her.  I hope I did not miss the boat with my sons, but hey, I am sure they would have mentioned it by now 😉  It is just that as my daughter ends this part of life, I am ending it with her.  And like many of her friends have confessed to me, they don't know what the next chapter looks like and they're scared.  Me too sweetie, me too. But it will all work out.  Maybe not how you thought, maybe not how you planned, but it will

She received the gold honors cord, my baby girl.  This kid missed more school than is legal.   But she always handed in her assignments and took pride in her work. Throughout these last four years alone she has dealt with moving, missing school to travel and be a bridesmaid in three weddings, cheer competitions, illness/turmoil in our immediate family, people she loves letting her down, a pandemic, rushing down several times to take care of her grandfather and ultimately the death of her grandfather-that is a lot for a high schooler to handle.   I know on Wednesday as I see her cross that stage I will feel that feeling of pride....that feeling of love swell in my chest.  The feeling of gratitude that God gave me this precious human being to raise and to love---and she is miraculous. I am so blessed to be the keeper of her secrets, her guidance system, her go to person.  I am sad that my extended family will not be at this graduation.  She was only given a limited number of tickets and she did not want to choose.  My oldest son will not be there as things are rocky with him right now.  I have always felt my daughter got the short end of the stick in so many ways.....this is no different.  She deserves a parade!  But instead, she'll get a moving truck and yet another goodbye as her brother moves back to Arizona.  She will get a time of uncertainty as we figure out what our next move is.  I know that this girl is tough as nails.  She rolls with the punches and finds the blessings in every situation.  She is grateful for the little things.  And I know that God is going to bless her with a magnificent future with more than she could ever imagine.  He will send her a husband who loves and adores her, and beautiful, healthy children and she will be the center of their world.  She will have a career that she loves until the time comes for her to focus on that beautiful family.  Because that is what she dreams of and she deserves nothing less. 

So, as I prepare to watch her embark on this next chapter I will continue to pray, and hold her close and cherish every moment with this beautiful human being and realize that in the grand scheme of things....it's just a day in the life.

When I look back on these days I look and see your face You were right there for me

 When I think I've healed, sometimes the grief hits harder.  Today I made the drive to my parents home.  I have made this trip more times than I can count over the last 25 years.  I think every single one of them came flooding back during those 3 hours.  There was a huge difference this time.....neither one of my parents would be there to greet me.  This is the first time I have come here since my dad passed.  The last time I was here I knew he would not be returning, and it hit me so hard I said I would not return.  Well, here I am.  When I got closer to the exit the sobs really overtook me.  I realized he would not be there with that huge smile to greet me.  Even typing it hours later the tears start flowing again.  How many times did I get off that exit, tired, stressed out, overwhelmed, scared, excited, emotional?  No matter how many times it all ended the same way - I would see him get up and come to greet me with that smile and a "hiiiiyaa baby!  it's so good to see you."  that hug....oh lord that hug.  I truly felt faint when I got out of the car.  My daughter felt it too as soon as she walked in.  His coffee cup was still sitting on the Keurig, still waiting for his return.  The tears came flooding again.  He never did get to "see the place again"....one of the last things he said to me in person was "I really thought I would get back to see the place again, I don't think I will."  Oh Daddy.....

Once we unloaded the car we took a brief inventory and made a trip to get the car washed (aka the love bug remains washed off) and then to pick up some necessities.  While I drove that familiar strip of road, I remembered how excited my sons used to be when we would come down on vacation.  They loved visiting Yaya and Poppa I think more than any other place on earth.  So many memories flashed through my mind.  My oldest jumping off the side of the pool until he couldn't breathe, playing at the coffee table with the new toys he inevitably got, my cream filling son in his stroller, walking with my mom and I up to go shopping, our trips to Playmobil that my boys looked forward to every time.  Zoo trips, the list goes on.  My daughter did not have those as much because we moved to Arizona when she was one and we would meet my parents in New York rather than Florida.  Yet, she still loved coming here, even after my mom passed.  

It is so strange because it doesn't feel like their house anymore.  It is just an address.  My mom's presence has been gone for a few years in my opinion.  Now that my dad is gone, it's just a place.  It does not feel connected to them anymore. The memories took place here, but it feels different.  I still see my daddy walking through the door after work, my mom and me in the kitchen making dinner.  Stopping to greet my dad, the kids running to see him.  Then in later years we would go pick him up at work---I treasured that time.  Sometimes it was just the two of us, sometimes one of the kids would come.  They loved picking Poppa up. 

I have not thought about these memories in so long.  Today, it is all that I can think of.  Everything in life is changing---absolutely everything.  And I know God has it under control.  I am just unsure as to whether or not God's plan will be remotely what I would like my life to look like.  So many things have made me realize that just because we have faith and believe in fate and destiny does not mean it looks the way you thought or would like it to.  Time will tell.  But for today.....it is just a really sad, emotional day in the life.