When I look back on these days I look and see your face You were right there for me

 When I think I've healed, sometimes the grief hits harder.  Today I made the drive to my parents home.  I have made this trip more times than I can count over the last 25 years.  I think every single one of them came flooding back during those 3 hours.  There was a huge difference this time.....neither one of my parents would be there to greet me.  This is the first time I have come here since my dad passed.  The last time I was here I knew he would not be returning, and it hit me so hard I said I would not return.  Well, here I am.  When I got closer to the exit the sobs really overtook me.  I realized he would not be there with that huge smile to greet me.  Even typing it hours later the tears start flowing again.  How many times did I get off that exit, tired, stressed out, overwhelmed, scared, excited, emotional?  No matter how many times it all ended the same way - I would see him get up and come to greet me with that smile and a "hiiiiyaa baby!  it's so good to see you."  that hug....oh lord that hug.  I truly felt faint when I got out of the car.  My daughter felt it too as soon as she walked in.  His coffee cup was still sitting on the Keurig, still waiting for his return.  The tears came flooding again.  He never did get to "see the place again"....one of the last things he said to me in person was "I really thought I would get back to see the place again, I don't think I will."  Oh Daddy.....

Once we unloaded the car we took a brief inventory and made a trip to get the car washed (aka the love bug remains washed off) and then to pick up some necessities.  While I drove that familiar strip of road, I remembered how excited my sons used to be when we would come down on vacation.  They loved visiting Yaya and Poppa I think more than any other place on earth.  So many memories flashed through my mind.  My oldest jumping off the side of the pool until he couldn't breathe, playing at the coffee table with the new toys he inevitably got, my cream filling son in his stroller, walking with my mom and I up to go shopping, our trips to Playmobil that my boys looked forward to every time.  Zoo trips, the list goes on.  My daughter did not have those as much because we moved to Arizona when she was one and we would meet my parents in New York rather than Florida.  Yet, she still loved coming here, even after my mom passed.  

It is so strange because it doesn't feel like their house anymore.  It is just an address.  My mom's presence has been gone for a few years in my opinion.  Now that my dad is gone, it's just a place.  It does not feel connected to them anymore. The memories took place here, but it feels different.  I still see my daddy walking through the door after work, my mom and me in the kitchen making dinner.  Stopping to greet my dad, the kids running to see him.  Then in later years we would go pick him up at work---I treasured that time.  Sometimes it was just the two of us, sometimes one of the kids would come.  They loved picking Poppa up. 

I have not thought about these memories in so long.  Today, it is all that I can think of.  Everything in life is changing---absolutely everything.  And I know God has it under control.  I am just unsure as to whether or not God's plan will be remotely what I would like my life to look like.  So many things have made me realize that just because we have faith and believe in fate and destiny does not mean it looks the way you thought or would like it to.  Time will tell.  But for today.....it is just a really sad, emotional day in the life.