Just remember til you're home again, you belong to me.

 Today is my birthday.  So many emotions and feelings being dredged up today.  I have been spending these winter days cleaning up playlists and photos on my phone/computer.  And up until today I was really enjoying it.  This morning, I was telling someone how annoying it is to me when people ask if I have any big plans for my birthday.... like it's a Thursday in January.  I'm working...it just happens to be the day my mother decided to give birth to me, I am 61 like what am I doing, going to Chuck E. Cheese?  We had a good chuckle over that one until I realized there is no Chuck E. Cheese in SD - the audacity!  I digress.  It got me thinking about my mom.  How she may have felt on my birthday every year.  How stressed she must have been with my dad driving down the L.I.E. during an ice storm and leaving my siblings home to give birth to me.  Life looks so different when you take a moment to look at things from a different perspective at any given moment, but yes...this one is a big one.  

I decided to play my playlist that is dedicated to her today, hence the title of this blog from the Duprees song "You Belong to Me".  I will always be her little girl, no matter how old I get and how long she's been gone.  I got this overwhelming longing to just be with her.  This perspective today has me wistfully wishing I could just let her brush my hair one more time while I yelp because she was NOT gentle with the tangles 😐 but I would even endure that to just be that little girl for a while. When my birthday was the most important day of my year.   When nothing mattered except being happy and playing all day.  Even as an adult with children of my own, when my parents were with me there was always this little piece of me that felt like I could just breathe.  

I am trying to remember when my birthday started to feel like just another day in the life and if I am truly being honest, it was my 21st.  My parents flew in to surprise me for 1 day (yes, they were THAT fabulous) but of course my boyfriend at the time needed to be picked up (do not ask why-let's just say I liked the bad boys at that time I guess) and when I got to his house he wasn't ready....I was totally freaking out I just wanted to get back to my house to see my parents.  So.....I was doing 90 on the Long Island Expressway---(I wonder if my dad did that the night I was born 😎) My 1972 Dodge began to overheat and there were the flashing lights behind me--did I mention I didn't have any ID or my purse with me?  Needless to say I was frozen in fear.  I guess having a bad boy as a boyfriend came in handy because he definitely was comfortable talking to the Police 😏.  He took the blame told the officer he told me to speed to get off the exit because the car was overheating (smoke WAS pouring out when he popped the hood).  I was really good at getting out of tickets when I lived in NY.  I cried, begged and they eventually let me go.  I cannot even IMAGINE how upset my parents were, we never spoke about it.  I don't even know how long I was gone but when I took him home that night I ended it.  So, that began my birthday's not being stellar...interesting I just realized this now.  The following year the LIRR was on Strike and we drove home from Manhattan in my brother's company van in a blizzard and by the time I got home I was not in the mood for celebrating to say the least....honestly?  I never thought about this until this very moment.  This makes so much sense - yea work on a Thursday looks pretty good now that I think about it.  And at least I got adorable photos and videos of my great nieces today and it didn't even snow!

This week my daughter was extremely sick.  I took care of her, tried to make her life as easy as I could and she apologized and thanked me over and over.  I remember when my mama would take over when I was overwhelmed as a busy mom and I know I probably didn't thank her enough.  I wish I could just go back for one day and stop everything and be with her, be present in her company.  I realized the other day that Catholics don't believe in heaven the way I do - between that and the annulment issues I am REALLY struggling as a Catholic.  Because if I am not reunited with my loved ones, sorry but heaven will be a bit of a disappointment.  Sorry if that's blasphemes but it is how I feel.  Somedays just knowing I will see them again is the only thing that gets me through if I am being real.  And when I do?  I am definitely apologizing for my 21st birthday fiasco - how did it take me 40 years to remember that?!  So, I guess it is not just a day in the life 😇

Because I'm 18 and I still live with my parents, yeah they're not like yours

 Happy 18th Birthday to my answered prayer.

That's right.  Today is a very special day!  18 years ago my daughter's best friend was born.  As a mom I have prayed since before my children were born for the right people to surround them in life.  My prayers for my daughter were different than those for my sons.  Not much, but there was one key difference.  For my daughter I prayed for her to find that one best friend that she would keep for life.  I have had several of those friends during my life, but I never had that one that lasted my whole life.  Eighteen years ago today my daughter's bestie was born.

When I took this picture as they drove away to graduation, I was so emotional.  I made them both promise to always stay close and remain as true to each other as they have been.  they laughed at me but promised!  It was in that moment that I realized my little Gracie Lou Freebush was the answer to that prayer I prayed so often during my daughter's life.  And I could not have chosen a better soul sister for my little girl.

And today I got to watch them in action and it is truly amazing.  Amazing how two young women could be so similar and so strong and so supportive of each other.  They have the same sense of humor (which is not easy because half the time no one else can understand what they're saying 😂  

Normally, I would have made a post for her on social media---but since I have gotten off of social media, this was the next best thing.  One of the things I love about GracieLou is how sweet she is.  She thinks about my LuLu's feelings and everyone else's feelings usually before her own.  She is 

honest, and funny and she is never afraid to be honest.  She is brave.  She stands up for what she believes in.  Soon she will go off to her next phase of life....college in South Carolina. I know Lulu will be heading up there to visit her soon.  What I love about their friendship is that they support and want the absolute best for each other----that is something I did not find until I was much older!  They are so lucky to have found this type of friendship so young in life.  There is no drama between these two, they are upfront and honest and so articulate (which is incredible since their high school clearly did not teach them this).

So, as you venture off to your next phase of life, my little GracieLou Freebush I hope you know how much you are loved and valued.  I pray that you always stay true to yourself and know how damn AMAZING you are!  Never doubt that (remember the conversation in your kitchen).  You will always have a place in our home no matter where that ends up being 😊.  

I love you like you are my very own (and trust me----that doesn't happen often, you know this!)  Happy Happy Birthday little Gracie Lou!  

They say it's your birthday......Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven Daddy....

 

Happy 92nd Birthday Poppa....your first one in heaven.  You are most likely so happy to be surrounded by all of those you've missed for so many years on your birthday.  It is your first birthday with your mom in more years than you can count.  Funny because this year will be the first one that I do not spend with DTM....the circle of life, huh daddy?  You used to talk about that all the time.  The quotes you used, your pearls of wisdom....they stay with me.  They are a part of who I am.  I hear your voice and your words every single day.  "Where you are, I once was" -  that's been a big one lately.  I miss you.  So much.  I know we all do.  

I found a disk of photos that you had taken over the years.  I downloaded them on my computer and it is so cool to see your perspective on what was important to capture.  It was also pretty funny that every picture I took of you and you took of me, we were making faces at each other....I guess I only remember our long talks over coffee, or after dinner.  I forget the goofy stuff.  That's why I miss the days of cameras instead of cell phones for picture taking.  

The baby graduated last week Pop.  It was the first and only one you missed.  DTM was quick to say that you and mommy were both together and there for it.  I am not gonna lie, I felt the empty seat.  I always feel the absence of your presence.  Even when you were grouchy and I could tell you missed the quiet of your own place, it was a blessing to have you there.  

Everything is changing Daddy.  I know you would say that's life.  Which I would then turn to mommy so she would comfort and baby me lol.  But you are right....it is life.  And sometimes dad?  It sucks.  How come you never showed me that?  How come you and mommy made it seem SO easy?  I can hear you laughing at me.  Shaking your head and saying "Ah baby, if only you knew."  I think about all the birthdays growing up that you made so special.  I always felt like a princess on my birthday.  And your birthdays....you shaking boxes and guessing what was in it---used to piss us off so much!  😁  And now?  What a party there is in Heaven today!  Strawberry shortcake, mommy's potato salad---I can see it now.  It makes my heart smile.  You deserve it daddy!  But what I would not give to run down the street and meet you at the corner and hang out the car window while you drove home.  I miss you.

We will celebrate you today.  I think I will have a manhattan instead of an appletini to switch things up.  I miss you.  Remember how you used to tell me to use my "poison pen" when I had something to say?  I am losing my gift daddy---the words are just not coming.   My get up and go just got up and went (as mommy always said).  I am hoping time truly does heal all wounds---you wouldn't lie to me wouldja daddy?  Because I will remind you when we meet again.  I will have a list, because I am your daughter.

I am sorry I am not full of eloquence and all these incredible snippets that you looked forward to in the past.  I'm not gonna lie Poppa....I haven't been myself since you left.  I think you took a part of me with you----can you send it back please?  I kinda miss her.  But I am stronger than I used to be---I will give you that.  I am your daughter. And you raised me to do whatever it takes no matter what, right?  Right.  So here we go daddy---the next phase of life.  Stay close please...because I always need my daddy.

Happy Birthday Poppa!  You are loved and missed more than you know.  I hope it is truly the best one ever and not just a day in the life xoxoxo 

Sing.....Sing a song...sing out loud.....sing out strong!

Music.....it is really just words put to a tune, but it is so much more powerful than just that.  Music has the ability to touch your soul in a way that few things can.  It can take you to another place, can take you to a memory in a mere instant.  Recently I have been listening to music consistently.  I remembered when I took a quiz to see which senses were most important to having me feel joy.  That's when I realized that candles and music were very important in allowing myself to have those feelings.  As always, I lose my way and I don't make time for those simple things, but I decided it was time to make it a priority again.  Singing and dancing can make me feel that happiness I felt when my kids were little and we would dance in the kitchen every day.  I know most people have that memory with their significant other, you always hear about couples dancing together in the kitchen.  I've never had that.  I've only experienced that with my children, but that joy was precious nonetheless.  It brings me a lot of happiness that my children have playlists that include those songs and their memories are just as special.

The other day I was driving and listening to a recommended playlist on Spotify.  The song "Cherish" by the Association came on.  My first thought was of my cousin Cathy.  It was her wedding song with her first husband waaaaaayyy back in the 70's.  It made me wonder where she is and if she was still alive. (she is one of the handful of cousins that no one really speaks to).  In a matter of a minute, my mind went from that to how fortunate we are to have not lost many cousins on that side.  My cousin Tommy, my cousin Robert - and I thought wow, same family, that's odd.  Then I remembered my cousin Cliff who passed away when I was so young, his sister Lenore that I believe has passed and hmm, what is Mitchell up to? and then, of course to my cousin Richie who was killed in Viet Nam and how happy I am to be back in touch with his sisters (my cousins Pat and Annette).  All of those thoughts within a minute, simply from a random song.  

It made me wonder----are there any songs that would make me pop into someone's head?  Does everyone do this when they listen to music?  This also prompted another conversation....about cooking, and when you put love into the food.

My friend's father is turning 94 this week.  He is the sweetest man.  I have been promising him Pasta Fagioli for the last few years and they were celebrating his birthday this week so I finally got to deliver on my promise.  I often get nervous when cooking for people for the first time.  My children think I'm the best cook ever, my ex husband's family loved my cooking as well, but I still always worry that maybe I am not as good as they think I am.  I also made a Vegan version for a big majority of the group and that really made me nervous!  So I dropped the Vegan version off the night before the gathering so it could be heated before I got there the next day.  My friend and his brother tried it.  His brother is not my biggest fan so I knew he would not lie about how it tasted.  His entire demenour changed after one spoonful.  He looked at me with different eyes, I was no longer a fiesty opponent but a "damn good cook".  Hmmmm....maybe the way to a man's heart truly is through his stomach. 

The next day I arrived with the regular version of my mom's infamous pasta fagioli.  The birthday boy was just as excited to see that crockpot as he was to see me!  It was really such a special day and I am so grateful I was able to be a part of it.  Watching him be the center of attention and share his memories of when he was a child was truly magical.  The topic of cooking came up and a few of us were discussing how some people can make the same recipe and it tastes differently.  My adversary turned friend agreed with me that when someone cooks with love it definitely makes a difference.  I think that is why a mom's cooking tastes the best to their children.  These batches of pasta fagioli were made with me dancing and singing at the top of my lungs throughout the whole process. I truly love the people I was making it for and knowing that the birthday boy was excited for it gave me such joy. It is no wonder there was magic in each bowl.  Last night I had some and my daughter (who does not LIKE pasta fagioli) asked if she could have a taste.  I said, "ew it's cold."  She took a spoonful anyway.....she is now hooked!  She loved it.  She said it's never tasted so good!  See?  Music=magic!

Here are my thoughts on this whole topic, you need to bring JOY into everything you do!  Whatever that looks like to you.  Music may not be your thing, then find out what is!  What makes your heart and soul sing?  Do that!  Find that!  It changes everything! And joy, changes what would just be a day in the life.