Jesus take the wheel, take it from my hands

 This morning my daughter took the wheel and I was forced to surrender control and so many things came together in that 15 mile drive.  We joked - Jesus take the wheel - and as we were driving I realized how much I am on autopilot when I drive and honestly in my life. She thanked me for being patient, but I did not feel patient.  My cousin texted Jesus take the wheel and I laughed at the repetitive message God was sending.  I believe in God's magic, His ability to change things in a moment - to perform miracles.  I have just lost hope that those will be to my benefit.

I began last week with some fated meetings at the airport and in the hotel lobby during my trip to Arizona to shower my future granddaughter with love and presents.  It reminded me how God has a plan and certain meetings and people are brought into your life in an instant.  I was full of hope and excitement about what these meetings could bring in the future. By the time this week ended I realized my intuition is broken and nothing that I really believed was going to happen is happening. But I was reminded to once again hand everything over to God and to give up my vision for my life and my children's lives for His vision.  Jesus take the wheel.

I realized that my heart has grown cold and I don't allow myself to feel the way I used to.  Until I saw

my son waiting at the gate for my arrival.  One look at his handsome face and the tears flowed.  My heart swelled and ached with missing him at the same time.  He has a life now that I am really not apart of and I was reminded of how my parents must have felt every time they stepped off a plane to me and my children who had grown since the last time they saw them.  It is really difficult to imagine that I was so oblivious to how they were feeling because I was consumed with how I was feeling.  I realized the next time I see him he will be a father and I will be coming to see my beautiful Granddaughter.  The thought of that makes me break down in tears and his entire life flashes before my eyes.  When he was born, kindergarten graduation, baseball games, first communion/confirmation, hospital visits, surgeries, high school graduation, leaving the airport after dropping him at college, moving away again and again, his wedding - how is that all behind us?  I had time alone with him and time with just him and his sister and I remembered how it used to be.  How is that time gone?  And normally I embrace each phase as it comes and as excited as I am to be a Gigi, I would give anything to go back in time and live my children's childhoods over again.  I have never felt that way before and thank God, because it is heartbreaking.

I have never lived with regret, and I still don't.  I don't regret anything except believing my intuition

about certain situations.  It was wrong so many times I am realizing.  I thought maybe my intuition was just behind divine timing playing out.  But I am realizing what I thought was intuition was just merely wishful thinking.  So now what?  Where do I go from here?  This week the term hobby was thrown around a bit.  What are your hobbies?  Hmmm.  Good question.  One I do not have an answer to.  Should I?  Do I need to develop hobbies?  It got me to thinking and I started asking people what are your hobbies?  I realize women have way less than men.  Men will say golf, fishing, running, hiking, gardening, insert a sport.  When I ask women they pause - and most don't have an answer.  Why?  I think it's because women as a whole focus more on relationships then on hobbies - maybe I am being sexist or some other non-politically correct thought.  But at the moment that is how I feel.  I have poured my entire life into relationships - partner, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, friend and I have realized that no one treasures those relationships with me like I do with them.  I have spent the last several years focusing on myself and building my sense of self worth and pursuing what makes me happy.  But I am who I am and who I am is a woman who loves so fucking deeply and who will never receive that same love back no matter what the relationship.  And now?  I am okay with that.  It is who I am and I am done apologizing for it.  The difference is now I don't forget to love myself and accept myself for who I am, even if no one else does- I know what I bring to the table and I know that the people I choose to keep in my life and give that love to are lucky to have it.  And those who have lost that, well sucks to be you honestly because you'll never find that commitment, caring and love again.  My oldest son told me the other day I love mommy 2.0 - me too son; me too!

I realized my level of gratitude for the things God has provided has been lacking.  I have been in a place of sadness and disappointment for things that will never be and things that once were that are gone now.  It is time to count my blessings again and even if they don't look the way I hoped, I've been gifted another day in the life.

You are so beautiful....to me

I've never been a dater.  I was always a relationship person.  I haven't had many relationships either.  That's just who I am.  When I fall in love it's serious to me.  I don't take it lightly.  I've also been lucky, I suppose, to always fall for men who were also relationship people.  I never had someone play with my heart purposely.  I guess that's saying a lot at almost 55 years old.  I have heard some truly horrible stories.

Being single is new to me.  I have always gone from one relationship to another.  Codependency was my middle name.  That's what this period of being single has been about---breaking that history of  codependent behavior.  Well, I've succeeded.  I've succeeded to the point where the thought of dating is so far from my radar it's not visible. I've been encouraged to put myself out there---not appealing.  Today, I was approached in, of all places, the grocery store.  He was a very sweet man.  We exchanged pleasantries and he expressed an interest in taking me to dinner and getting to know me better.  Very kind, cute and not creepy, which was a plus.  He asked for my number and when I hesitated he gave me his and told me to call him if I wanted that date.  Then he told me how beautiful I was.   It was very sincere too, in fact I don't think he meant to say it out loud honestly.   It was very flattering, I'm not going to lie.  I realized I have had a wall up and have been extremely unapproachable over the last nearly 30 years.  Like I said, when I'm in a relationship I am all in.

I replayed the conversation over in my mind and I realized that no one I've been involved with (except 1 person) used the term beautiful (wait... 2 but the 2nd one never used it the first time we dated and that's really when it counted) to describe me.  My looks were never what the men I was involved with seemed to care about.  I used to think it was because I was, in fact, not really beautiful and that I was lucky they "settled" for me and that my personality was enough.   I am now a much more secure woman and I realize that I was lucky, not that they "settled" for me but that they cared more about me as a person and my looks were just a bonus.  There was a time when I would have killed for my ex husband to say "You look beautiful!"  or "You are so pretty" but that didn't happen, ever.  It was after my divorce that I dated someone who could not get over how "beautiful" I was. Even when I was 13...and 15 and dated him for the first time.  Looking back?  That was the only thing he loved really.  He loved being with me because it made him feel worthy.  Yuck.  I didn't like that feeling at all.  However, being with him made me feel beautiful for the first time in my life.  So, I thank him for that.  After ending that relationship I had a new found love for myself, a worthiness that I didn't have before.  And one that can't be taken from me and that isn't dependent on anyone else's approval.

I was talking to one of my confidants today after this experience and I told her what I just wrote.  She has had no less than 5 men reach out to her over social media this past month telling her that she was beautiful and wanting to get to know her (she is newly single for the first time as well).  We laughed saying there must be something in the air.  We also admitted that it can't be easy for a man to put himself out there like that (especially in person!) and we admired their bravery.  However, we both agreed that that is not how we want people to see us---just by what's on the outside.  We are both women who don't have "a type".  I have always been attracted to a man based on his personality, his sense of humor especially and his smile.  I would like to be appreciated for the same things.  My eyes have always been something that men have commented on---I get that.  I look at eyes too.  But, as I'm getting older, so are my eyes and they aren't what they used to be 👀😉so I'm hoping that isn't my only redeeming quality.

As a child my dad always commented on our beauty.  He used to sing a song to my sister about a beautiful girl.  When my daughter was little I would tell her all the time she was the most beautiful girl in the world.  That's because that's what *I* needed to hear, that's what I craved to hear.  Well, luckily, it worked because she doesn't give a rat's ass if someone tells her she's beautiful--she damn well knows she is.  She's heard it her whole life.  She is confident in a way I never was.  I will be curious to see what she wants her significant other to appreciate in her.

I guess the morale of this story is that beauty is in the eye of the beholder....and this beholder finally sees hers  inside and out....because today was truly a day in the life.

Silence is Golden...

As I evolve and change and become more in tuned with the Law of Attraction and my angels and just the person I am inside I am getting more impatient with those that are not where I am.  It's not a good thing but I have no doubt that it is part of my growth process and a necessary one.  I need to learn to be silent.  I need to learn that not everything requires a response or a comment.  This is extremely difficult for me.  I am a talker.... I am a fixer.....I am a conversationalist.....but right now that makes me argumentative.  People are pissing me off left and right.  My life at the moment is basically a total tornado.  There is so much negativity swirling around me and so many REAL issues that are life changing that peoples tiny little petty crap  that is self induced and insignificant is frustrating me to no end!

SILENCE


My angels scream it into my head daily.  I wish they would put my hand over my mouth and take the negative emotion of anger away from me.  I am learning to release control of things...this is like asking me to become a man --it's that difficult!  But I am doing it...making good progress and feeling great about it.  However, being in the company of people who are still trying to control every tiny detail of life and then deny that they are doing it is making me nuts!  Or worse than that, people who continuously do the same thing day in and day out and wonder "why does this keep happening to me?"  Oy vey.  I know it is time for me to take a step back from society and the people in my life while I go through this transformation and these crappy situations that have taken over my life right now.  I am spewing negativity and I hate that!  I have come so far and this set back is devastating me.  I don't like being the person who bitches all the time, I know that it just brings me more to bitch about---I just am having trouble stopping.  And the more I am around people the harder it is for me to be that positive person I've worked so hard to become.  I know that the time is coming that a lot of people will have to be removed from my life in order for me to move forward on the path that I want to travel....the path I am destined to travel.   It's just easier said than done.  I am a life vest for a lot of people.  I am the voice of reason, the one who can make them laugh and pick up their down moods.  Well that's great and I love doing it---but at some point I have to look at myself and say---who does that for me?  Those are the people that I need to surround myself with.  Where are they?  I'm not going to attract them if I keep surrounding myself with negative Nellys/Neds.  This has happened before in my life....whenever you change and grow then some of the "excess" needs to fall away---that excess is negative people or people that just make me feel negative emotions (anger, frustration, sadness, and the one I feel the most---used and taken advantage of).  It's never easy, but it is necessary and I know this.  And the more I trust in God and ask Him to bring me a certain kind of person the more He delivers.  I am manifesting good things all the time.  I just need to be quicker to release what no longer serves me in my path to my higher self.  I'm stubborn, and working on it.

In the meantime....silence is golden and I need to learn to just BE QUIET!  Keep my thoughts to myself and not share every one with the world.  I'm a work in progress and I know I will love the finished result.....

Love is a many painful thing.....

There is a reason that they use words like heartbreak, crush and heartache.  Because a broken heart hurts more than anything else in the world.  It's a pain that can't be described and only time will heal it.  There isn't a magic pill to take or bandage to use, it's just time.  Which is devastating in itself.  When we give our heart to another person it's a risk.  We hope and pray that they will treat it with kindness and respect and the TLC that we need, unfortunately that is rarely the case.  That's why we get our hearts broken.

When two people come into a relationship they are each damaged to a certain degree.  They each have their own baggage.  They do and say things that hurt the other person.  They each have their own agenda and somehow, someway they have to try to figure out how to compromise and have both people be happy and fulfilled.  I think World Peace would be easier.  I've given a lot of thought to and observed a lot of people recently and it just seems that in every committed relationship each person just seems unhappy.  The men think the woman are nags, overly sensitive, never satisfied and critical (all true).  The women think the men are selfish, take them for granted, are unromantic and don't help enough (again, all true).  How did they all go from being so happy and loving and giving at the beginning of their relationships to this?  It's that pesky word called EXPECTATIONS.  Once people get involved romantically they begin to expect things.  We each rely on someone else to fulfill our happiness.  In actuality, we can't ever truly be happy with someone else unless we are happy with ourselves.We are so busy avoiding the problems within ourselves that we are focused on pointing out the problems with someone else.  And that's when the downward spiral begins.  One person brings up a "flaw" in the other person (aka you're not meeting my needs) so the other person, not to be undone, returns the favor.  And the rest, is relationship disaster.

I still remember my first heartbreak.  I thought I was going to die.  I remember leaving the dinner table and throwing up in the bathroom because my stomach was in knots.  There was no texting then, no email, no call waiting, no caller ID, no cell phones....just the house phone that was usually located in the kitchen.  I remember sitting in the hallway with my feet up on the wall talking to my boyfriends for hours.  I also remember waiting for that phone call that one day just didn't come.  The heartbreak and devastation I felt was like a knife in my heart.  It never occurred to me that the boys were feeling the same things at times.  I'm very fortunate that my boys share their feelings and relationship situations with me.  The information and insight I've gotten from them really would have come in handy when I was their ages.  They feel just as deeply as I used to.  I always thought men didn't care, turns out I was wrong.  Their heartbreak is just as bad and deep.  And watching it as a parent is equal to or worse than experiencing the heartbreak yourself!  You just want to make it go away and you can't.  If you're like me you want to confront the person hurting your child and give them a good swift kick in the ass!  You want to explain to them that it's all going to be ok and it won't hurt forever....but that won't help either, they need to learn it themselves, unfortunately.

At some point, if you've been hurt enough you eventually stop feeling as deeply.  Sad, but true.  Eventually you might build a wall around your heart so big and so strong that it seems no one can break through...but then, if you are lucky, you will meet that certain person who will love you enough to climb over the wall and set you free from it, and you will finally realize why it never worked with anyone else.