You are so beautiful....to me

I've never been a dater.  I was always a relationship person.  I haven't had many relationships either.  That's just who I am.  When I fall in love it's serious to me.  I don't take it lightly.  I've also been lucky, I suppose, to always fall for men who were also relationship people.  I never had someone play with my heart purposely.  I guess that's saying a lot at almost 55 years old.  I have heard some truly horrible stories.

Being single is new to me.  I have always gone from one relationship to another.  Codependency was my middle name.  That's what this period of being single has been about---breaking that history of  codependent behavior.  Well, I've succeeded.  I've succeeded to the point where the thought of dating is so far from my radar it's not visible. I've been encouraged to put myself out there---not appealing.  Today, I was approached in, of all places, the grocery store.  He was a very sweet man.  We exchanged pleasantries and he expressed an interest in taking me to dinner and getting to know me better.  Very kind, cute and not creepy, which was a plus.  He asked for my number and when I hesitated he gave me his and told me to call him if I wanted that date.  Then he told me how beautiful I was.   It was very sincere too, in fact I don't think he meant to say it out loud honestly.   It was very flattering, I'm not going to lie.  I realized I have had a wall up and have been extremely unapproachable over the last nearly 30 years.  Like I said, when I'm in a relationship I am all in.

I replayed the conversation over in my mind and I realized that no one I've been involved with (except 1 person) used the term beautiful (wait... 2 but the 2nd one never used it the first time we dated and that's really when it counted) to describe me.  My looks were never what the men I was involved with seemed to care about.  I used to think it was because I was, in fact, not really beautiful and that I was lucky they "settled" for me and that my personality was enough.   I am now a much more secure woman and I realize that I was lucky, not that they "settled" for me but that they cared more about me as a person and my looks were just a bonus.  There was a time when I would have killed for my ex husband to say "You look beautiful!"  or "You are so pretty" but that didn't happen, ever.  It was after my divorce that I dated someone who could not get over how "beautiful" I was. Even when I was 13...and 15 and dated him for the first time.  Looking back?  That was the only thing he loved really.  He loved being with me because it made him feel worthy.  Yuck.  I didn't like that feeling at all.  However, being with him made me feel beautiful for the first time in my life.  So, I thank him for that.  After ending that relationship I had a new found love for myself, a worthiness that I didn't have before.  And one that can't be taken from me and that isn't dependent on anyone else's approval.

I was talking to one of my confidants today after this experience and I told her what I just wrote.  She has had no less than 5 men reach out to her over social media this past month telling her that she was beautiful and wanting to get to know her (she is newly single for the first time as well).  We laughed saying there must be something in the air.  We also admitted that it can't be easy for a man to put himself out there like that (especially in person!) and we admired their bravery.  However, we both agreed that that is not how we want people to see us---just by what's on the outside.  We are both women who don't have "a type".  I have always been attracted to a man based on his personality, his sense of humor especially and his smile.  I would like to be appreciated for the same things.  My eyes have always been something that men have commented on---I get that.  I look at eyes too.  But, as I'm getting older, so are my eyes and they aren't what they used to be 👀😉so I'm hoping that isn't my only redeeming quality.

As a child my dad always commented on our beauty.  He used to sing a song to my sister about a beautiful girl.  When my daughter was little I would tell her all the time she was the most beautiful girl in the world.  That's because that's what *I* needed to hear, that's what I craved to hear.  Well, luckily, it worked because she doesn't give a rat's ass if someone tells her she's beautiful--she damn well knows she is.  She's heard it her whole life.  She is confident in a way I never was.  I will be curious to see what she wants her significant other to appreciate in her.

I guess the morale of this story is that beauty is in the eye of the beholder....and this beholder finally sees hers  inside and out....because today was truly a day in the life.