The moment I wake up - before I put on my makeup - I say a little prayer for you

 It's just another day....no, no it's not.  Today is the day my mother left this earth 11 years ago to go to a much better place.  I am not one for anniversaries, remembering how many years since xyz happened.  It's not my thing.  Every day is a memory waiting to be made.  But this year I felt today coming.  The heaviness.  The tears.  The longing for just one more moment with her.  As soon as my eyes opened today, I remembered.  I replayed that morning.  The phone call from my brother that I knew was coming.  Debating whether or not to tell my kids or wait until after school (BIG mistake there-they found out from someone else who had no right to say anything).  During times like these we are often so busy planning the moving parts of arranging the things that need to happen after someone's death that we don't have time to actually grieve.  That comes later - and does it ever end?  I'll let you know but so far ummm no.  My daughter and I have an unspoken rule that we just don't mention it - we just know it's on our hearts.  My sister texted me first thing this morning - we are both feeling it extra hard this year for some reason.  My oldest son, similar to my daughter doesn't actually SAY it but he said "I hope you're doing okay today" which is way different than our normal daily check ins.  

I cried to my mom this morning and I asked her for some help (not something I do often - it's usually my dad I call on, because let's face it-he was a badass 😉).  I instantly heard - I'm on it!  I could see her so clearly-if I could only touch her maybe the ache in my heart would go away.  It's funny the older I get the more I realize how much I am like her.  I went to visit my daughter at work (as I often do) and she told me her friend said "Your mom is so cute with her pink lipstick"  I didn't even realize I had it on.  But this morning I was hit so hard when I realized my mother never went ANYWHERE without her lipstick on.  We used to tease her about it and now.....I am her.  I looked down at my hands in church the other day and I noticed the aging-the veins, the spots...and I saw her hands....and mine are soft just like hers were the day I said goodbye to her for the very last time.  I looked in the mirror today as I put on my makeup and I felt her watching me.  She used to love to sit and watch me put on my makeup and she always wanted to try whatever I was using - and wound up stealing it undoubtedly.  I wish I was wearing waterproof mascara because I had a meeting shortly after and I could not stop the tears.  Why did I not cherish those moments more when they were happening?  Why didn't I just stop what I was rushing to do to just sit with her?  I have so many questions I would have asked her.  I was always more comfortable asking my dad questions because he loved to share his wisdom and his lessons.  My mom was definitely not as comfortable with that, so I didn't ask- how I wish I had.

I recently spent a week with my cousins on my mom's side of the family.  My

daughter was chastising me for something I did during the escape room and my cousin said, " I do the same thing!"  and we gave an in-your-face kind of look, and he said it's in our blood, you know we have the same blood, right?  And even though my daughter DID know that she got a strange look on her face and I was a bit taken aback too because there were so many things that I realized that week that I hadn't before.  I guess I always thought the Italian part of me was dominant, but I am realizing that German is pretty strong after all.  

So, I guess like mother like daughter does ring true for me and my mom (I know it does for my daughter and me) and it makes me happy and I hope she is still proud of me, and I know she is watching over my daughter I know she is ridiculously proud of her!  

I miss you mommy....and today will never be just a day in the life.

It's your birthday now, but you are not here with me

 

Today would have been my mom's 91st birthday.  Last week I thought of something I could do to celebrate her today and I had it all planned out.  Her favorite restaurant, the butterfly garden - I was all set.  But as the day drew closer I just wasn't feeling it.  In fact today I didn't feel like really doing much of anything but I forced myself to go out and enjoy the morning.  I was not sad, surprisingly, I just felt what I normally feel.  I think about my mother every single day and today was no different.  My daughter and I went out and had some fun, then we came across this incredible prayer garden and nature trail and it was truly magical!  I kept thinking how much my mom would have loved it and I knew she was there with us.  I hear her voice so much lately, I wish she was here now that I have more time to devote to her.  When my kids were younger I felt almost like she was another child I had to tend to.  To take care of, to ensure she didn't get her feelings hurt and that she had everything she needed.  It felt like a burden sometimes and I am determined not to ever make my kids feel that way about me.  But with that comes the fact that sometimes you realize your kids don't want to take time to be with you, to speak to you.  It's heartbreaking if I am being honest and I can't help but think that maybe when the time comes that I am no longer here that it won't really matter to them since they didn't take advantage of the time when I was here.  I guess it won't matter because I won't be here to know, but it is something that I think about every now and then.  I would give anything to be able to call her one more time and hear "Tina Bellina what are you doing?" 

I realized the other day that most people that love me call me Tee.  And I can always tell when they are pissed at me because they call me Tina. 😉My mother never called me Tee - she either called me Tina Bellina or Tina Marie.  I called her Woman...
she loved that so much.  My oldest son calls me woman and my daughter calls me Tina Marie - somethings carry on....and I love both.  I miss her.  It makes me sad that my children were robbed of more time with her - especially my daughter.  She would love having time with her as an adult, having my mom teach her to crochet and do the rosary with her and just so many things.  I pray that I have that time with my grandchildren and that they love me the way my kids loved my mom.  

My daughter came home a little while ago with flowers for me.  She texted me asking if I liked strawberry milk and which Cheeze-it's were the ones I liked...I said it's not MY birthday and she said I can't hear you!  (she's a wiseass, just like me).  So she came home with flowers and Cheeze-its (my newest addiction) Reese's peanut butter cups (my oldest addiction) and strawberry milk (they didn't have cotton candy this time)....she makes me so proud and so happy and so blessed.  I pray every day that the closeness we have doesn't stop when she has her own family.  I did my very best to include my mom in the lives of my kids and my life even though she never lived in the same state.  My daughter gives me hope that the tattoos we have stay true and we remain connected.  I struggle to know where I fit into my son's lives and to be honest I am not sure if I do or if I ever will again.  But I will hold hope in my heart for the same connection somehow.  And I pray that some of my ways will continue with my children and grandchildren the same way I continue many of my mothers.  Because some day?  All we will have is this day in the life.   Happy Birthday Mommy!  I hope everything today is yellow for you.....

Look at the stars....how they all shine for you

Today.....today was one of those perfect days. I will try my very hardest to remember this feeling and this day when things get hard (which of course they will - this is life after all) 2022 was probably the hardest year of my life. That says a lot, since in the last decade I have gotten divorced, moved 4 times, lost both of my parents, and that is just the tip of the iceberg. But 2022 ---- it was (I believe) the ending of a time of torment and it had to get it's last licks in. And if today is any indication of what is to come -- it was all worth it. Every single moment. I am blessed. I know this. My family is protected. I know this. But that does not mean that bad things do not happen. But I don't want to focus on 2022 - I want to focus on today. I started my morning with a phone call from my oldest son in California before I had my coffee. Normally, he texts me that early with our good morning gratitudes. It is something we have started recently. But a phone call that early would have sent me into a panic in the past (especially because we spoke last night) But it doesn't anymore. He's doing well - so well that I do not believe I have ever seen this version of my son as an adult. He had good news for me - that's why he called. So we started chatting and wow - it went deep. He gave me a gift that he didn't even know I needed. He thanks me all the time for things I've done, things I am still doing, I do not need thanks. I tell him, all I need is for him to live his best life. THAT is the greatest gift to me. He understands me very well. All three of my children do, honestly. Because I have always been honest and open about my life and my feelings with them. But he relates a lot to who I was as a child and things I have shared about that period in my life. He is also the one who saw the toxicity of my marriage more than the other two. He understands now things I did to protect them. I guess what he gave me yesterday was validation. Something he has never given me before. I hung up the phone feeling like I could conquer the world. Feeling like if this was my last day on earth I would be able to die happy. The joy in my heart was overflowing that my baby boy (who is a man) is in such a great space and our relationship is where it is. It did not end there ----- my creme filling son and I had a catch up call this week. The time difference and our work schedules do not allow that as often as we would like. It was just so great. We text nearly every day, but those phone calls are needed. So we were texting today and it was great. My daughter in law also thanked me for raising him - that was a bonus too. Then out of the blue tonight he sent me a song and said "make sure you're not in public" - again, he knows me well. I sobbed my eyes out - I am crying now as I type this. It was very similar to what my oldest said to me earlier. I cannot explain the feeling --- I grew up in a very male dominant household, my father and brother did not show their emotions (the soft ones) and I thought men did not have emotions. I thought men were made of stone. I believe that is why I chose my ex husband. He showed emotions. He cried. He described loving me in words that curled my toes. But, as soon as we got engaged that went away. So----I assumed that that is how it worked. Now he was just like all the other men in my life. I thought this was normal! I was determined to let my sons show emotions and not be ridiculed for them. I succeeded. Then they became men. And I see they don't show them to the outside world (which is fine! That is saved for the ones that love you!) but I know what goes on inside. And it has given me a whole new insight into the male species. I wish I had known all of this when I was a young girl. It would have helped me understand that women aren’t the only ones with feelings. Raising these boys changed my life in ways they will never know. These men that I raised....they have given me a run for my money. From childhood and their constant fighting to their teen years which made me long for the days when all I had to do was deal with their fighting to their 20s which have had more ups and downs then the tower of terror in Disneyworld. But today----today I got to see a glimpse of what it was all for. These men....are incredible. They love me just as much as they did when they were little. They will always need me, in a very different way, but need me nonetheless. All of those prayers, and sleepless nights and days when I did SO many things that I really did not want to do and the days I felt like a failure (a lot of those)----it was all worth it. Every minute of it. Today (and I know this will not be permanent unlike the old me who thought once things were good they stayed that way) today is that day when all is right with the world. And I feel HAPPY and JOYFUL and dare I say bliss. Today was SO much more than a day in the life.....