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Sunday, February 18, 2018

Like a bolt out of the blue, suddenly it comes to you...When you wish upon a star

Magical...stick with me...there's a point to my rambling.  Promise! 

I work for a property management company in Orlando.  I went in to check a house after vacationers had checked out.  There were 2 balloons floating at the top of the vaulted ceiling.  I contacted my colleagues and told them they would need to bring a ladder over because there was no other way to retrieve them.  I mentioned that I had always wanted one of those balloons since I was a little girl.  When we went to Disney for the first time last year after becoming resident pass holders I mentioned to my daughter that I had always wanted one of those balloons.  She looked at me with a big question mark on her face and said "Ummmm, why don't you just get one mama?"  I laughed and said that ship has sailed, I don't need it now I'm a grown ass woman.  It would be silly to buy one now.  I told her that when she and her brothers were little and we would go to Disney I secretly hoped one of them would ask for one because then I could have it too, but they were never interested.  It's pretty typical of my personality, it seemed so frivolous to waste money on a silly balloon no matter how much I was always drawn to it.  Here I was 46 years after the first time I had seen one still wanting it! 

Today I went to my bosses house to get it ready for the next guests and low and behold there was the balloon, waiting for me. They had sent me a picture of it the other day and I assumed it was to show me that they were able to get it down from the ceiling but no....they left it for me.  I finally have my wish fulfilled.  And then it hit me.....no matter how long it takes for a wish to come true you have to have faith that it will.

I came home holding my treasure, smiling probably larger than I would have even as a 7 year old little girl.  My kids laughed and said HA! You got one.  Did you go to Disney without us????  I said No!  It's from one of the houses!  And my son said "See, your prayer was finally answered and you got your wish!"  I looked at him with wide eyes and I said "That's EXACTLY it! " 

And so....I'm passing this on to you.  I'm sure it seems silly and like I'm reaching but I am telling you when I saw that balloon I felt a peace in my soul that life is unfolding exactly as it's supposed to.  And as I typed that "Somewhere over the Rainbow" came on my speaker, as a confirmation from my mom. No matter what it is your heart desires if you keep on believing it will come to you.....don't give up!  Your happily ever after and dreams come true are there waiting....you just need to believe and be patient and accept that it's not always exactly the way you imagined it, but it's perfect nonetheless.  And today was so much more than just a day in the life......

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Sunshine on my shoulders....makes me happy....

 I woke up this morning and I was transported back to 1970.  When I would wake up on Valentines day to presents from my daddy.  I was on the phone with my sister and I just started sobbing.  This boy of mine....he's a man now....just never ceases to amaze me.  He is so strong and wise beyond his years.  He has a heart that knows no bounds.  His love for us and his fiance is priceless.  I often wonder that he puts way too much pressure on himself but he is happiest when he is making others happy. I just described myself.
 The letter he wrote me is one that every mother should strive to receive.  I am always telling him he gives me way too much credit for my place in his life.  He insists he doesn't love everyone and he doesn't give out freebies!  He has shown that recently...he holds people accountable for their actions. But, I'll take it....even for today because my heart could use a band-aid and this healed it.   It's proof that everything can change overnight.  Today is the beginning of Happy Valentines days from now on.  No more mourning what is lost. He begged me to not stop being me...to not stop loving the way I love and to never stop having his back, because he needs me. He says we have to celebrate the team we are and how strong our family is to have survived the things we've survived.  We HAVE been through hell and back and we are bonded together tighter for it.  He left a bag for his sister and her letter was started as "To the sister I prayed for"  ....when he was a little 4 year old he would kneel by his bed every night and press his tiny little fingers together and say "Dear God, please let me have a sister".  Whenever my daughter is torturing him she says, "Dear God, LET me have a sister!  And HERE I am!!!!"  It makes me realize that even though we're missing a link we are still a strong chain.  We added a link, my future daughter in law, and she is right there with us during it all.  We will continue to add to our chain or team as my son called it and we will continue to weather life's ups and downs....together.  And my sister reminded me this morning of something I have preached many times....God has it.  I need to stop focusing on what I don't have and focus on the things I do.  Wow....she's probably the only person who can say that to me without me getting my panties in a bunch 😎  But she shook me out of my sadness.  Enough!

Yes, today was a horrible, tragic day 3 years ago.  Probably one of the worst of my life.  Yes, my life isn't what I hoped it would be at this moment in time but so what?  It's pretty damn good.  And through it all God will hold us in the palm of his hand and never let us fall...because after all....it's just a day in the life.

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

We're after the same rainbows end....waitin' round the bend.....

Valentines Day for many is a day to celebrate love.  To show the world how much your significant other and the other people in your life mean to you.  For me?  It's become a day of loss.  A day of pain and a day of suffering.  No.  Not because I don't have a Valentine.  Because of the things that have occurred on this day in 2015 and the years following.  It seems impossible to remember the happy days when I was a young girl when I'd wake up to candy and an adorable stuffed animal from my daddy.  When I'd come home from school with armloads of valentines from classmates.  From my high school years when my boyfriends would spoil me with gifts and signs of affection.  From the years that I would work so hard to make Valentines day special for my kids and their classmates.  Was that even this lifetime?  I can't remember.  For me it's a day of pain and sorrow.  It's a day of shutting down and tears and primal sobs. My son is determined that this year he will begin to celebrate Valentines day again...he and his fiance are off of work and school and they're going to Disney and have a magical day.  Good for HIM!  It's time he begins to break this darkness. My daughter on the other hand came to me the other day and said Mommy I can't go to school on Wednesday, please don't make me.  I immediately thought of the boy she likes and thought she was trying to avoid the disappointment that not getting that message would bring.  I was preparing my great mom speech about self love when she burst into tears about her brother and her YaYa.  Shit. Wow.  Now what?  Selfishly I was thinking I was the only one who felt it every year.  I was hoping to have that time while she was in school to suffer alone and wallow in my own pain and heartbreak.  Well, misery loves company I suppose.  She assured me the dance was Tuesday and she would, of course, go to that.  Okay then.  Sobfest 2018 table for two please?  I realized I'd have to put the mask on and be there for her.  I can't fall apart because she's falling apart. 

I dropped her at school this morning and she was wearing this beautiful maroon dress that she didn't get to wear to her cousin's engagement party and Wow.  She looked stunning....my baby girl.  All grown up...I missed it.  I feel like I've missed so much, I have forgotten what it was like when she was little.  It seems she grew up overnight.  There is a hint of sadness around her that shouldn't be there!  She should be happy and moody and all teenage like.  She has had so many people let her down already in her 14 years it crushes me!  I fear what her future relationships will look like because the men in her life have given her nothing to trust.  Except one of her brothers.  He is her rock.  He is her standard that I pray she holds all other men to.  They are so close...they speak a language only they understand.  His fiance and I look at each other with giant question marks when they are speaking and laughing so hard they can't breathe.  He is the only light in her bleak vision of the male gender.  I pray she holds onto that. I pray she realizes that sometimes peoples actions and words do align. I pray she knows that it's possible for her to trust that no matter what she'll find someone like that who will not let her down.

So, I woke up this morning and allowed myself the emotions that February has come to represent.  I listened to "Moon River" by Andy Williams and let the sadness that has overcome my life recently to roll down my cheeks.  The ache in my heart to just come out of my throat and just feel it.  I have to.  I have suppressed it for far too long.  I cried out to my mom to please please help me...She has worked so many miracles in my life since she has passed but I don't think she's able to fix what's broken this time. It's time for me to realize that nothing will ever be what it once was just a short time ago. Sometimes loving people isn't enough.  Sometimes you have to let them go. You can reach out and show your love and support but if that love and support isn't wanted or needed there isn't much you can do.  Sometimes the way you love isn't the love that a person needs. I must admit that with everything I have experienced in my life nothing hurts more than being shut out of someone's life without warning or discussion or closure of any kind. I can deal with pretty much anything except that.  When I said goodbye to my mother 3 years ago tomorrow I at least knew it was most likely the last time I would see her. But once I know I've done everything I can I need to let it go.  My knees are bruised from constant prayer and that I will never stop.  My faith in God and His plan for my life is strong.  I don't see it or understand it but I trust it.  I know that He is with us during this time and He will continue to be, because after all....it's just a day in the life.

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

Sleepless hours and dreamless nights and far aways...wishing you were here

It's February.  Already.  I have never been a huge fan of January or February but these past 3 years they have been even worse.  I can't believe it's been nearly 3 years since I said goodbye to my mom.  I do my best not to dwell on the sadness and negativity surrounding that time and I think about how my family came together and we celebrated her life and supported each other through it.  But after watching This is Us on Sunday night and having a conversation with my creme filling son yesterday the emotion was really raw.

My younger kids miss my mom tremendously.  I feel badly because I know they don't talk about it as much as they normally would because I am so emotional about it.  I miss her so much.  Just last week I actually thought I need to call mommy.  And then these waves of sadness took over my body and I couldn't stop the tears.  She's gone dummy you can't call her!  I need her right now. I need someone who looks at me like I hung the moon....someone I don't need to be strong for, someone who just loves me and doesn't need anything from me and who I can't disappoint...someone who would defend me tooth and nail with no thought.  I need my mommy.

When she first passed away I was totally fine.  I thought, hmmm why do people act like it's the end of the world.  It's not like I saw her every day....it's not that bad.  As time passed the pain got worse.  I think I remembered every negative thing about my mom at the beginning as a protection for myself.  There was so much other stuff going on in my life I didn't have time for more sorrow.  But as time healed those wounds the wound of my mom's death seemed to open up.  Each milestone with my kids was like salt in that open wound.  Wanting to share it with her and I can't.  My son is getting married and so is my niece.  My Godson is expecting his first child....these are all HUGE things that my mom would be over the moon excited about!  When I think of my son's wedding and her not being there it makes me physically hurt.  She adored him....she had a very very special relationship with him....and he with her.  The thought of a picture on a table replacing her physical being is painful to me.  My son and daughter talk about her all the time...ALL the time.  She is a constant fixture in my home.  If she only knew how many YaYaism's there were. How many times they say "YaYa would HATE that!"  or "YaYa would be rolling on the floor over that"... I know she knows....I feel her with us.  I am fortunate enough to be able to hear her and talk to her, but it's not enough.  I want her HERE.  I want to smell her.  I want to hold her hand and laugh with her.  I want to tell her how much I understand about what she must have felt while we were becoming adults.

This also leads me to think about my oldest son....my first born....if you would have ever told me we would be estranged I would have thought you were crazy.  But here we are.  I am relieved that my mother isn't physically here to see that.  It would break her heart.  My creme filling son and I were discussing it yesterday and it hurts me more I think that my kids aren't talking to each other more than it hurts that my son turned his back on me.  Being a parent of adult children is harder than any sleepless night, stomach virus, ear infection, flu, playground altercation or anything else you go through when they're little.  Last week my daughter had an issue at school and I went in and handled it.  I was her hero---mommy fixed it.  Damn, I miss those days when I could FIX things.  I can't fix this, any of this.  I can't bring their beloved YaYa back....I can't make my children speak to each other...I can't heal the disappointments or disagreements.  When they were little I'd make them stay in the gameroom for 24 hours together until they worked it out.  They hated me for it but it worked!  I can't do that anymore.  I'm helpless....not a good look for a mama bear like me.  But....what I can do is get on my knees and pray every night for God to fix it.  I can beg my mom to watch over them and nudge them in the right direction.  That's all I can do and I hope it's enough.....because after all.....it's just a day in the life.
and as if by magic my phone went off......and this is what I found.  Can't make this stuff up.

Saturday, January 20, 2018

Silence is Golden.....but my eyes still see

Yesterday I got a text from my 14 year old daughter.  "I need to talk to you when I get home"  uh oh.  I responded "Ummmm ok, are you alright?  Did something happen?"  she responded that yes something happened and she was crying to her friend.  Crying? At school? My daughter?  Shit...that's big.  I asked if she wanted me to pick her up early (yes...I am THAT mother, don't judge me!)  She said no she would be ok (until 35 minutes later when she changed her mind but it was too late).  I picked her up and she was telling me about one of her friends treating her like she was stupid and she was pissed.  (It's a genetic thing....nothing gets to us like being treated like we're stupid!)  ok...normal stuff.  Then come the tears.  A few things that she is extremely sensitive about were commented on by this boy.  This boy has been an issue all year for his insensitive comments but I think it just got to be too much for her.  My daughter is beautiful....inside and out and it's a known fact not just my view of her....society's view of her too.  I've said before that if I looked like her when I was 14 I would have been over the moon.  But that's my point.....no matter how beautiful or handsome or put together you look on the outside, we ALL have something about ourselves that is less than.  And it's not for anyone else to judge or critique...it's ours.  Which brings me to my point....be CAREFUL with your words!!!!

After I got over my initial gut reaction to drive back to the school and rip someone a new one and contact this kids parents and tell them they were raising a monster, I reflected.  To someone else what this kid said was nothing. Just stupid stuff.  But to my daughter?  It was like salt in an open wound.  These were her insecurities that no one else would know about.  They wouldn't know how many hours we spent in the health and beauty aids section searching for the perfect solutions (not to fix her....I tell her all the time she is perfect just the way she is!  To help HER feel better about these ''flaws" that SHE sees)....how many nights she cried before bed because of them.  How heartbreaking it is to watch her feel this way and I can't fix it.  I had the same thing with my youngest son....his height....always comments about it.  Why do people feel that it's ok to comment on some one's size....or coloring.....or anything for that matter?!?!  I remember my mother being so upset because people would comment on how thin she was.  Ummmm really mommy?  Like I'd kill for those comments!  And then I realized....it was the same thing!  My mother didn't like people "criticizing" her for her size.  I, as someone who has struggled with weight my ENTIRE life, saw it as a compliment...but she was self conscious about it.  She didn't like people noticing what she wore or what size she was.  We ALL have something!!!!  When I first started working I remember people commenting on how everything matched.  My shoes, my purse, my earrings.  It sounds complimentary right?  But to ME?  It felt like I was being criticized and judged.  It's all in the eye of the recipient.  People comment on what a great mom I am and how lucky my kids are.....I used to wear that like a badge of honor.  It made me feel like I was fulfilling my purpose.  Now?  I don't have a relationship with my oldest son.  When people say to me now that I'm a good mom etc?  I feel like it's a knife in my heart because I feel like it's fake.  Like it's a facade!  That is on me, I know that....there is nothing wrong with telling someone they are good at something.  If they can't own it then that's something they have to work on themselves.  I'm just pointing out how even a compliment can feel like a jab at a certain time.

My point in all this ramble is to think before you speak.  Try not to comment on people's personal appearance...their height, their weight, their skin....it's reinforcing the superficialness of this society.  Why are people praised for being tall?  Did they have any choice?  Is it like they worked so hard to be tall?  And why is tall such a positive quality?  Who decided that?  Why are people teased and made fun of for being short?  It doesn't make sense!  People are shamed for being fat and praised for being thin....I'm guilty of this one myself. My oldest son was bullied for being overweight and he lost 30 pounds and began a very unhealthy obsession with his weight.  It is sad!  Sad to me that society judges people by what's on the outside.

I choose how I feel about someone by the person that they are.  I even see them differently by their personality. People become "ugly" to me by their actions.  I think I see people in terms of energy and their aura rather than physical appearances.  I wish everyone had the ability to do that.  But until that time comes....silence is golden.....think before you speak....and remember.....everyone is fighting a battle we know nothing about so be kind...it's just a day in the life.

Sunday, January 14, 2018

Feelings....nothing more than feelings....

This week sucked.  There I said it.  From start to finish it just sucked.  It was one of those weeks where my thoughts and feelings were so congested I couldn't even figure out what was going on.  I felt anxiety and sadness and excitement and dread....basically every emotion under the sun at once.  I wanted so badly to put pen to paper in my journal and get it all out and I couldn't seem to focus long enough to do it.  I'm finally calm enough to recap it. 

I was supposed to be going to New York this weekend for my beautiful Nieces engagement party.  I was really looking forward to it and so was my daughter.  Part of me was upset because my son wasn't going to be able to attend and I knew he was really upset about it.  But, I unfortunately have come to terms that not everything is the way it used to be when they were little.  I am worried that my intuition is blocked because I never dreamt that I wouldn't be in New York this weekend, it didn't even cross my mind.  I drove to my friends to drop off the dog and then down to my dad's on Thursday.  Got to the airport early on Friday to leave plenty of time for parking and my dad being slower these days.  Got through checking the bag, security and to the gate.  When we got there our flight was already delayed 30 minutes.  Pretty typical for Frontier Airlines so I wasn't too concerned.  Then it was another hour....apparently the Captain was coming from another flight.  Ok, no worries...still good.  I'm sitting in between my dad and my daughter and watching this woman FREAK out because they weren't making announcements.  I looked at her and thought....wow, that would have been me back in the day. I used to be that person.  Now I was embarrassed for her because jeez what a scene over something you have no control over.  The girl that was taking care of my dad's wheel chair needs was giving us updates so I was pretty calm.  My dad?  Not so much.  I realized that as you get older you go one of two ways....1.  Everything pisses you off and you have no tolerance for anything or 2.  You make the best of everything and just let it go.  I choose #2....my dad?  Ummm not so much.  Then we were told there was heavy fog in NY.  Now I started to think we would be there a while and my dad wasn't having it.  Let's just leave, this is ridiculous.  Than my daughter....sad little face but no words.  Me....sitting in the middle thinking crap!  One of them is going to pissed no matter what I decide to do.  Anxiety gripped my stomach and I felt near tears.  I was so concerned with the both of them I didn't even have time to process what I was feeling.  I did what I always do, I prayed.  I asked for somehow our plane to be the one that still goes!  Flights were being cancelled left and right but I kept thinking somehow ours would get out.  Wrong!  Flight cancelled.  No flights available until Sunday.....I was in shock.  My daughter was devastated!  She is such a trooper she just quietly sat while I tended to getting our bags and calling the airlines and trying my hardest to get us out the next morning from any airport in Florida.  I couldn't make it happen.  It wasn't until my dad and daughter were both asleep that night that I allowed myself to FEEL the overwhelming sadness that had been building.  The disappointment flowed down my cheeks and I realized.....how often in my life I was so concerned with everyone else's feelings that I didn't allow myself to feel my own. 

I remembered so many times in my life before marriage and my children that ALL I thought about were my own feelings.  I didn't take others into account as much as I should have maybe.  I'm not sure if it was just age and maturity or it was being married to someone who was very self absorbed or it was becoming a mom or all of the above that caused me to change that way of thinking.  At some point I began to absorb others feelings and take them to be more important than my own.  I struggle so much with when is it ok for my feelings to matter.  I always feel like a bitch when I allow myself to say hey- what about how I feel? 

On the drive home yesterday I was so emotional and it was bubbling up inside of me because apparently I've allowed the wall I used to have up to rebuild itself a bit so I don't feel as deeply.  I wanted to release the feelings because the inner turmoil was just way too much to handle, I felt like there was a hurricane inside of me wanting to come out.  Realizing that the people you most want to connect with at times like this are not always available to you is devastating sometimes.  I do my best (and honestly?  I succeed) to be there always when my loved ones need me and to know that the people I lean on aren't always there for me is crushing at times.  I get it that not everyone has the flexibility that I do as far as time goes, but when people just choose to not be there it's a hard pill to swallow.  And then I rationalize that their problems are bigger than mine and there I go again.....putting my feelings second. The problem with always being able to put yourself in someone else's shoes and understand their point of view is that you struggle with allowing your point of view to matter. It's a vicious cycle and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to break it.

I finally allowed all the feelings and frustrations and hurt and sadness and anger to pour out of me which wasn't really brilliant while I was driving.  I kept wiping my eyes and the tears kept flowing.  So many realizations....so many areas of my life.....all swirling around like a tornado and dredging up stuff that has long been put to rest.  Doubting my choices, doubting my reactions, doubting my future, doubting the changes I've made to myself....all rushing in as I was cruising down the highway towards home.  Home.  The place I longed to be.  The place where I feel safest and most comfortable.  I was so anxious to get there and be where my soul is at peace. Some people love Starbucks or Dunkin Coffee...me?  Coffee tastes best in my kitchen. The building doesn't matter to me, it's the feeling I get when I'm there.  My routine, my comfort level....it hit me then that when I was happiest was when my 3 children were all young enough for me to decide where they would be.....having them all around me during a snow day or a pajama day.  When we would all just exist in the same space and there was no where else any of us would rather be.  There was no choosing whose feelings were more important....we were all on the same page.  Bliss.  I missed that time for the first time in my life I think. I have always just accepted where I was at any given time.  But this...this was me allowing my feelings to come first.  My feelings to matter.  I miss the days when I was their whole world and they were mine.  The only things of importance happened in those rooms, in our home, in our togetherness.  But....those days are gone.  I have one son who is living states away with no contact, one son who is preparing to marry and move out of our home and my daughter who is struggling to find her place in this crazy world too.  What I wouldn't give for one more pajama day with those little people. 

But life goes on as it should and must.  There will be new happiness and new moments of bliss down the road, in different ways and different combinations... Christmas day was a moment of that bliss when my son and his fiance and my daughter and I just existed together, playing games and enjoying the feeling of being home.  The moments aren't lost forever, they are just fewer and farther between.  My soul needs to find a new peace and a new clarity and it will.  It always does.  I need to allow my feelings to matter....to come first more often before I forget what it is that makes me happy as I did for so many years.  It took me too long to find that again to lose it.  In the midst of it all it's just a day in the life......


Sunday, October 22, 2017

A Letter to my Mommy on her 3rd birthday in Heaven

Happy 83rd Birthday Mommy!  How I wish you were here.  Things would be so so different!  I spent the week taking care of daddy.  You would be SO proud of him.  He's really keeping up all of your ways and traditions....the house looks almost like you're still there.  Almost lol.  The new comforter you'd HATE lol and you'd be flipping out over the guest room, but hey....he is who he is 😏.

When I'm there...in your home I feel this odd thing come over me when I'm in your kitchen cooking.  I slow down and I do things the way you would...and I'm so happy. By the way I FINALLY got the pasta fagioli to be the way daddy swears you made it.  Maybe you did make it that way, I don't remember it being so thick but what do I know.  He's a tough nut, Cookie....I give you a lot of credit for being so patient all those years.  Very very high standards that man has for those around him.  But you...you surpassed them all whether you realized it or not.  I know he realizes it.   It's difficult for me not to resort to being 13 again when I'm around him.  I need to remind myself that I'm not that little girl anymore.  I miss our knowing looks across the table when something was said.  I miss you laughing at my anecdotes and the joy on your face when I made you laugh.

You would think it would get easier as time passes but every time I go down to see Daddy it's harder.  I think about how different it would be during the entire drive there and by the time I walk in the door I'm so sad it's unbearable.  Stupid I know.  I should stop doing that, but you know me....can't let go of bad habits so quickly.  I can't help myself.  Living here...so close to you....things would be so different if you were alive.  I know you'd be visiting me more...Michaels is just up the street, we would be gluing and flowering and crafting up a storm.  You'd be teaching Lulu patience in cooking and baking.....and she'd be teaching you the ins and outs of being Lulu.  She misses you mommy.  Sometimes I find her crying in her room with your picture.  Breaks my heart every time.  She hears your voice and you calling her Emaline....she loves that.  She wears your clothes a lot...says she feels you with her. She's a trip ma....I know you watch over her.  Please stay with her...she's SUCH an incredible girl, she takes my breath away.

I know you are so proud of DTM!  You were always on his team.  He's incredible isn't he? Wow.....who would have thought such a little bullyameister (I have NO idea how to spell that) would turn into such an amazing man....well you did I know.  And his little Mrs. to be?  I know you would have loved her!  I do....she's just so perfect for him.  I wish you could be here to watch them plan their wedding and enjoy their love.  I know you are watching over them both and DTM misses you too. He talks about you all the time and it really upsets him that you never got to meet the love of his life.

I know you would be heartbroken to see the situation with my oldest.  You wouldn't understand and it would torture you....I'm glad you're not here to see that.  I couldn't bear the pain in your eyes that I know would be there and the anger it would turn into at the unfairness of it all.  But!  I need you to be diligent and stay with him ALWAYS please!!!!  Guide him and love him and show him the way.  I know you two never saw eye to eye when you were alive but he needs you.

So many things I wish you were here for.  I think about how much you would love my Prince Charming.  I can see your face when he'd be telling a story.  He's pretty fantabulous, but then again you know that because you sent him back into my life.  Thank you again for that.....the greatest gift you've ever given me.  I still wish you could be here to see it in person.  The way he treats the kids...and me....how much they love him. How happy we are together.... You would be so happy to see that. He's calm and he just gets me...even when I'm an emotional lunatic.  He's such a gentleman and I know how you'd love that. Things would have been so different if he had been around sooner.  Please keep working your magic mama.  So many good things that I know you're behind.

I'll keep seeing you in the butterflies and the other little signs you send.  I'll keep hearing you and passing along your messages (even though no one believes me half the time) and I will always hold you close to my heart and continue to do my very best to make you proud.  I'll cry when I hear our song and I'll laugh when I imagine your antics.  God, I miss you mommy.  I hope you have a happy birthday in heaven with Aunt Helen and Grandma and Uncle Don and all of your brothers and nephews.  They are so lucky to have you back with them.  Give Mr. and Mrs. Doyle a huge hug from me too.  I know if there are slot machines in heaven you'll be hitting the jackpot!

Happy Birthday mommy.  I love you xoxoxo


Tinabellina


Friday, August 25, 2017

Oh Danny Boy....

I've written numerous posts about my cream filling son.  I am certain I will write numerous more.  I can't help it.  He inspires me.  He is an amazing human being.  He will give me credit for him becoming that human being....I will take none.  Even though, as of late, I see myself so clearly in him it scares me - the good and the bad.  However, the impact of who he is as a person and the way he will change the lives of everyone he meets is all him.  He inspires me to live up to his opinion and vision of me.  He thinks I'm incredible....so I need to strive to be that.  He deserves nothing less.

He got engaged last month.  It was just a heartwarming, magical moment.  His fiance?  She's just as incredible as he is.  I see them together and I think, wow!  How lucky are they that they found each other at the tender age of 16 and 17 and realized it then!  I see their future so clearly and it is going to be amazing!  God definitely works through them and it's so beautiful to watch and be a part of.  They are living with me right now so I get a front row seat and I get to spend a lot of time with my future daughter in law which is a gift in itself.  Before he started dating her I wrote a blog post which was a letter to his future wife.  Well....she's more than I could have hoped for.  I'm so grateful for her presence in our lives and for her being part of our family.  She sees my son the way I see my son.  And by her loving him the way she does she is allowing him to grow into the man he is becoming---the man he is meant to be.  What a blessing.

I tease her all the time because my son and I have a very unique relationship.  We joke and dis each other and if anyone who didn't know us heard the way we talk to each other they would be shocked and appalled.  When he is rude and obnoxious to me I look at her and say "Do you see that?  Tsk Tsk you know they say you can tell how a man will treat his wife by the way he treats his mother!  You should be writing this down!"  She laughs and says "I know!  I'm scared! I think I need a new notebook!"  Truth in that statement?  She's the luckiest woman alive.  If that is true, that you can tell what kind of husband he will be by the way he treats his mother?  She will be treasured and adored for the rest of her life.  The honest truth is that my son treats me like gold.  He never disrespects me.  He always wants to help me and make life easier. He appreciates me the way most children appreciate their parents once they are parents themselves. She's in for a wonderful life!  And she deserves it...she is an answered prayer in the way she loves my son!

Last week after working 8 hours 5 days a week and going to school 2 full days (with 5 hours of commute time...in traffic) he stopped to buy flowers for his fiance.  We were talking on the phone while he was doing this.  When I got home there was candy and cake on the table for his sister and me as well with notes from him.  I had asked him on the phone why he was doing this when he was clearly so tired and stressed and he said it made him happy to do nice things for her.  It made him feel good to make her happy.  It brought me back to a Christmas when he was recovering from cancer and he made my dad take him out shopping to buy presents.  He bought (with his own money) gifts for his siblings, his dad and me and his grandparents.  I was struck then at how happy he was to give those presents.  He was 11!

This week I was feeling overwhelmingly sad.  So many changes in life and yet somethings remain stubbornly unchanged and it is wearing me down.  I had a text conversation with him and I got to the bottom of what was bothering me and poof.  It's gone.  How does that happen?  How does the student become the teacher?  I'm not sure.....but what I am sure of is that I thank God every single day for blessing me with the honor of being his mother.  And I will treasure my relationship with him forever!  Love you stupid xoxoxoxo

Sunday, July 9, 2017

I've looked at clouds from both sides now.....

Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind.  I wake up every day intending for it to be a fabulous day.  This has always worked in the past for me.  I believe your state of mind has a lot to do with the outcome of things.  Last week I was ready to kick life's proverbial ass.  I was armed and ready to take back my happiness and make the best of every second.  I've done it before (most of my life if I think about it) and I was determined to do it again.  Saturday, done.....Sunday oh yea I was on top of the world....Monday still working it....Tuesday---exploded.  I mean bad.  Like the worst I've ever lost it in my life.  I went into a dark place that quite frankly scared me.  I guess it's been building up and the mask I've been wearing got tight.  Unfortunately, my house is small and my kids are always home so they witnessed it.  Not my proudest mom moment.  So, for all of you who always tell me you admire my relationship with my kids ----know I'm a trainwreck sometimes.  My creme filling son just watched and waited for me to calm down so he could hug me. He cleaned up the glass from a frame that fell off the wall when I slammed my door (trying to get privacy, which is nearly impossible).  My daughter went into the kitchen and started cleaning (guilt cleaning....realizing that I do it all by myself and that I'm pretty tired)....my son told me I should flip out more often so she does what she's supposed to lol.  I can't explain what came over me but it was ugly.  I'm crying as I type this remembering it---it felt like someone else's emotions and someone else's actions.  I regained composure relatively quickly but it still shook me to the core.  I cried out to my mom and begged for her to help me.  I am rarely angry anymore....the last 5 years rid me of that emotion.  I still get angry don't get me wrong but not like I used to.  Maybe that's why it shook me.  Maybe that's why my daughter was so upset, she's never seen that side of me.  I hope she never does again.  This year has given me more than I can handle.  And I don't see an end in sight, quite honestly.  It scares me.  I can't seem to climb out of the negative place that has become home to me.   But I will, I know.  It never stays bad forever.  If you look back over your life you'll see that.  But for now....it seems to be my new normal.  I'm sure there is a lesson to learn in all of this, but honestly I don't see it at the moment.


That  was written in April and never published.  It's funny because I went to write today about pretty much the same thing, minus the anger.  I'm broken still.  Life has continued to assault me with too much negativity.  I have cried more tears this year and in the last month than I think I have in my entire life.  Cleansing?  Maybe.  But I haven't felt the relief yet.  The other day I went to the gym....I was on the treadmill for six minutes and I was reading a book regarding an issue that is prevelant in my life right now...I lost my shit.  I mean totally lost it.  Bawling like a crazy person.  I had to leave the gym.  Luckily my sister was available and talked me off the ledge.....again!  Honestly, my brother and sister have been there for me around the clock this last month and I am so incredibly grateful for them.  I've had many people tell me how lucky I am that I have so many people that love me, and I am.  I'm a very very blessed woman in that department.  However, there are very few people that I can let in on what's going on in my life at this moment.  It makes it hard when I know people want to help.  But it's necessary.  I've lost so much in the last month.  I've lost my hope.  I've lost my ability to look at the bright side.  I've lost my heart...it's broken, quite possibly beyond repair.  And it keeps coming.  Yesterday I had to put my dog down.  I never imagined how heartbroken I'd be and how difficult it would be.  I think that was the last straw.  I think that was the final blow.  I am writing this because I need to get it out, but it's not cathartic like writing normally is for me.  I am feeling at the moment like nothing will ever be ok again.  I feel like I'm drowning and I keep swimming and yet I can't get air.

My younger son got engaged this past week.  I felt total and complete joy for the first time in months.  They are so so very happy and I feel utterly and completely guilty for all the tears I'm shedding during this joyous time in their lives.  I'm trying...really trying to just "get over it" but it's so much more than that.  I put on a happy face as best as I can and I try to focus on the good stuff but it's just not working this time.  I will keep trying.  I will keep relishing the moments when I feel like myself.  I'm praying that every day those moments will become longer.  I am looking forward to the day when I wake up feeling like me again, and I know it will happen.  I just have to admit this is the darkest time of my life.  In 52 years I have never felt like this for this long.  I know I'm blessed and I know it could be so much worse, but right now?  In this moment? I'm broken.   I have lost so much I can't seem to feel like I will recover.  BUT, I know there are lessons to learn.  I know that I've figured some out....and I pray that the light at the end of the tunnel is not an oncoming train.

Here's what I've learned:

I can't fix everything.  Your children become adults and they need to be responsible for their actions and their lives.  Letting go of that is a tough pill for me, but I'm learning.

The people that you thought would be there for you at your worst, just aren't.  Instead of beating yourself up for needing them you have to just let it go and realize it is what it is.

Sometimes bad things happen to good people over and over again.  It's not punishment and it isn't always your lesson to learn.

I have to get my strength from within.  Not from anything or anybody, because relying on someone else to give you strength is dangerous because that person can take it away at any time.

The sun will come out tomorrow and after the rain at some point there will be a rainbow.  Because after all.....it's just a day in the life.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

It's More than a feeling...

Happy Saturday!  Yup, it's going to be....you know why?  Because I'm choosing to make it so!  Enough of these crappy 2017 vibes already, I'm over it.  What appeared to begin as the best year of my life has gone horribly wrong.  I've fought upstream for the last 4 months trying to figure it all out.  The hows and the whys and the when is it going to get better....I've pasted a smile on my face and gone through the motions and tried to fake it until I make it.  I forgot how much I friggin HATE that.  I have done it most of my life and I promised myself I'd never go back.  Well, I slipped....I'm human.  But no more!  I've been allowing what I don't have to be the focus of my life the last 4 months instead of focusing on what I DO have.  Which is pretty incredible!  I have once again given my life over to God in action not just in word and it makes all the difference.  I will no longer fret about things that I don't have and things that are out of my control.  I've done my best to fix them and that's all a person can do.  It's time to focus on all the blessings in my life, and there are many!

First of all I woke up this morning, so that's a good start. I am healthy and so is my family.  I will never EVER take that for granted.  I have friends and family and former classmates that cannot say that.  Some of them live with debilitating illnesses and special needs children and sick spouses....I admire them.  And I'm gonna throw a pity party?  No way, not any more!  I have an amazing job, truly heaven sent, along with that job comes bosses who are like family to me--that alone is enough for me to be grateful every day.  I have friends all around the world who get me!  Truly get me.  I can reach out to any one of them at any time and they are there.  #blessed.   I have a family that loves me (most of the time 😏), my dad will be 87 in a few weeks and he is healthy and self sufficient, still working and traveling. My kids, well I've written enough about my kids so I don't need to go any further with that.  I have an extremely cordial relationship with my ex and had the easiest divorce on the planet.   I'm a lucky girl!  Spring has sprung and so has my positive attitude.

I realized that the first half of every year is usually a struggle for me.  I don't know much about numerology but I did have a reading recently about life cycles and some number for the year and what it means.  Apparently you have 52 days after your birthday each year to tie up the lose ends for the cycle the year before, who knew?  Well, that lands in March for me.  Makes sense why I usually start feeling better in April.  I also realized that I'm a problem solver.  I don't like having yuck feelings in my life, I don't like negative stuff.  So.  I do whatever it takes to get rid of it.  But what about the stuff that's out of my control?  I find that I hold onto that shit like a life preserver.  Only what it does is make me sink.  When I've done everything I can do and I still can't fix the problem I need to learn to let it go.  Sometimes it hurts more than anything else, because ....well just because.  But I've come to realize that hanging on to that focus of what I can't have just makes the rest of my life seem bleak.  That's not how I want to live. If it's meant to fix itself it will, it's out of my hands and I need to accept that and focus on the good.

I listen to Abraham Hicks a lot on and off.  I struggle with the concept of the Law of Attraction because I do believe in Destiny and Fate and Meant to Be occurrences in life and I go back and forth with how that works.  I also believe in Divine Timing and that conflicts with Abraham's teachings. What I have figured out though is it's all about the feeling.  If you find the things in life to feel good about you will have more good things come to you.  And when negative things come you just have to address them and then do your best to not focus on them.  You have to trust that better days are coming and they will.  We were discussing our annual Easter Egg hunt the other morning and my son said "Well, next year I probably won't be here, so...." and I said "So, we'll do it the week before or the week after" problem solved.  Now, could I focus on the fact that this year will be the end of an era?  The end of not having to share holidays with their significant other's families?  Could I get sad thinking about all the years when I dressed them up on Easter and stuffed 200 plastic eggs for the family egg hunt?  No.  I won't do that.  It's just a bend in the road, not the end.  Just a change in direction.  There are still plenty of memories to be made, and good times to celebrate.  Because after all......it's just a day in the life <3

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Siblings are the gift you're not sure you ever asked for.....but it keeps on giving

Yesterday was apparently National Sibling Day.  Who knew?  I swear I want to meet the person who invents these days.  National Puppy Day, Siblings day, people with a larger second toe than big toe day....c'mon!  However, I do love my siblings and yesterday did make me realize some things.

My daughter posted a snap chat dedicated to her brothers.  What a way to start my day!  My daughter is not the mushy, sentimental type.  It meant a lot that she did that.  If any of my kids were to do that I would have thought it would have been my Creme Filling son.  He's my mushy one, outwardly.  I've been spending a lot of time with my kids one on one lately, mostly because they all have different schedules and there is usually someone awake at any hour of the day.  We have been having more family dinners because the schedules have been matching up.  It's so much nicer than when they were little and they would fight for voice time and attention.  Now it's usually either a deep topic or it's someone being goofy and someone running from the table choking from laughter. It's so nice to watch them become friends.  My boys went out the other night at 1:00am to Waffle House together and sat outside talking until the early hours of the morning.  Such a happy discovery for me the next morning.  My creme filling son made his sister a virgin pina colada and himself a real one and they played board games the other night.  All without me having to be part of it.(they invited me, of course, but I really wasn't in the mood) It was oddly comforting. I want them to have relationships with each other that have nothing to do with me. There was a time when that would have sent me into a sheer panic to think about life without my kids needing me every second.  Now?  It is welcome.  I'm ready for the next stage of life! My oldest and youngest have a tumultuous relationship.  It will pass. There was a time when they were thick as thieves and my middle son was at odds with one or both of them.  It's the nature of siblings and growing pains.   It still happens with my siblings and me.

Since I was a little girl this is what I wanted.  This family that I have built.  They would rather spend time with each other than anyone else in the world.  My son and I had a conversation about it the other night during one of our famous talks.  (Both of us are in long distance relationships at the moment so we have a lot of time to talk.  That will change soon, as the long distance comes to an end for him, so I am enjoying every moment.)  We were talking about the fact that we are all very happy just having each other (and for him and me our significant others) and we don't need a lot of outside people in our lives.  We do everything together.  I think if we had stayed on Long Island things would have been different, but I don't think we would be as happy or peaceful as we are now.  We lived in Arizona for 12 years and although we made important friendships it never overshadowed the closeness we have with each other.  We were on the topic of reincarnation and what we believe.  He said he thinks this is all of our last times on earth.  When I asked him why he said, "because I think we've all learned what we needed to, experienced what we needed to.  I don't want another mom or siblings or another love of my life.  The ones I have are perfect for me, so why would I have to reincarnate?"  Good point.  How lucky are we?  It's just a day in the life....



Saturday, April 8, 2017

I can open your eyes....take you wonder by wonder....

Yesterday my daughter and I went to Disney...not a shock we're there at least twice a week.  I wanted to see the Nemo musical because, well I hadn't yet, and I like to experience every attraction.  I didn't like the movie, not sure WHY I insisted we see this, but I did.  Well, it was awful, but very eye opening in so many aspects of life.  Follow me on this one, I'm all over the place but hopefully I will tie it up in a neat little bow 🙆.

Within the first two minutes of the show they show Nemo's mom disappear.  There was a little girl behind us that just screamed "NO!!!!!" and started sobbing.  She was screaming on and off for the first 5 minutes she was so upset.  My heart absolutely broke for her....I just couldn't stop wanting to make it better for her.  I was brought back to when I saw Dumbo in the movie theater.  I have never remembered this before yesterday.  When Dumbo is taken from his mother and they are touching trunks I remember just being devastated!  Of course I was raised to shove those feelings inside and God Forbid don't show them in public.  I remember looking over at my sister (who was 8 years older) and she looked perfectly fine.  I think my mom was there too (which is weird because I never remember going to the movies as a family except to the drive in once to see Peter Pan) and she grimaced a little.  It stayed with me for a long time after but I don't think I ever spoke about it until now.  I thought about Bambi and when his mother was shot...there is a part of the Frozen musical at Disney where the guy says "They DIED?????  What is this Bambi?  Or Finding Nemo?  or Cinderella?  or Tarzan?  Or EVERY SINGLE Disney movie ever?"  That gets a huge chuckle from the audience every time.  But after this it got me to thinking.  Why?  Why did Walt find it necessary to make children's movies that have the most horrific thing that could happen to a child happen and we, as society eat it up with a spoon?  What's wrong with us lol?  Than I realized that there were a thousand other people in that theatre watching Nemo and that little girl was the only one I heard having such a hard time with it.  Why?  Are people so desensitized to it?  Is it because everyone knew it was going to happen?  Than we went to see It's Tough to be a bug.  My daughter and I were screaming, no joke screaming the first time we went.  Ducking down, covering our heads when the spiders came down.  Now, we are prepared and assume the position before they release the spiders.  Well....there was a little kid behind us yesterday that obviously didn't get the memo.  He was SCREAMING and crying and I swear I never saw a dad move so fast in my life to get him out of there.  Again....I had to wonder, what the HELL is wrong with Walt Disney?  Why does he enjoy traumatizing children? Than I realized that some people ENJOY that....and that perception is reality.

That made me think of another movie by Walt.  Snow White.  And I thought about the dwarfs and how they are viewed by people differently.  I always loved Dopey (obviously!) and I thought of Grumpy as the "bad dwarf".  My very own prince Charming changed all that for me. He LOVES Grumpy and identifies with him.  That kinda disturbed me at first, not gonna lie, but than he said Couldn't you tell that Grumpy had a crush on Snow White?  I was like huh?  He pointed out that when Snow White paid attention to Grumpy he blushed and how he was very protective over her.  How the hell did I miss that????  He has an uncanny way of making me see things I've never seen before...he's magical like that.  This was all spinning in my head yesterday as I contemplated whether or not Walt Disney was a mean man 😈

It occurred to me that his movies were meant to touch people in different ways.  To show real life in fantasy, if that makes any sense.  Today most people don't want to see that the bad often brings the good.  That without sadness you can't truly appreciate the joy. Way to go Walt.  Life is not always perfect.  There are hard times along the way but if you stick with it, you get your happy ending.  And in between, it's just a day in the life 💓

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

I will not make the same mistakes that you did....

Divorce.  It's an ugly word for many people.  For me?  It was an oasis.  The beginning of an amazing sense of freedom in my life. The beginning of me becoming me.  I knew my children would be ok because I would make sure of it.  They encouraged me to divorce their father, truth be told.  They knew how unhappy I was.  My daughter was too young to really have an opinion.  She was only 5 when her father started traveling two weeks out of the month for business and she was 8 when we divorced.  I worried that she'd have "daddy issues" but than realized she could have those whether or not I divorced her father.

My sons deal with their father very very differently.  My oldest has completely shut him out.  The only thing they had in common was sports and my oldest isn't really interested in talking about that any more.  If I'm being honest I think he sees things in his father that he doesn't like in himself and it scares him. I think he thinks if he distances himself than it can't penetrate his world. It penetrates my world however, because I find myself dealing with issues that I thought I had rid myself of.  And this is my son....I can't divorce him.  I feel the same frustration and anger grip my insides when these behaviors show themselves.  Lately I have been reduced to tears as I relive a part of my life that I was so very happy to leave behind.  I've worked SO hard to become a different person and not allow negative forces to affect me and not to live in the past.  I find myself shutting down where he is concerned and he isn't having it.  Much like his father he gets in my face and vies for my attention/reaction, good or bad it doesn't matter, he just wants it, although he'd NEVER admit that.  He thinks his siblings are up my ass and he laughs at it.  Even typing this I feel the familiar wrench of my insides.  I've taken to just praying to God to just change it all or take away it's affect on me.  I have no power over it, other than to fight him daily or be insincere...neither of which are in my capabilities.  He can be very thoughtful and giving, it's just that sometimes it's really hard to receive it. He seems to have gotten the worst of his father and me.

My younger son had a time when he did that, shut his father out.  He had a very rough period his Freshman year of high school but that helped him heal and he has a relatively healthy relationship with his father.  Yesterday I realized that my oldest is hell bent on showing me everything I don't want in a man and my younger son is showing me everything that I do!  There is a reason for this I'm sure...I just haven't figured it out yet.  My younger son has done everything in his power to be the kind of man he would have wanted his father to be.  He is the most incredible partner to his long time girlfriend.  Always putting her needs first, thinking of ways to make her smile.  He talks about their future with this light in his eyes, so excited for it, it makes my heart sing for them.  Even with his sister and me, he's so thoughtful.  I got a text from him yesterday asking to take me to lunch this week.  He really is an amazing man.  He seems to have gotten the very best qualities of his father and me, although I know he works at keeping the negative at bay.

My daughter? She is a tough nut.  She doesn't get very close to anyone really.  I used to attribute that to the fact that since she was a year old the people she loves have come and gone in her life since we moved across the country from our entire family.  I've since realized that she has learned to be very selective on who she gives that love to. She has a healthy balance, I hope, of loving people but not relying on their presence in her life.  I wish I had that ability, truth be told.  She is extremely attached to me at this point in life...fiercely protective of me.  We were at Disney yesterday and stopped to have some drinks and a snack and it wound up being a 45 minute heart to heart conversation which ended with her having tears streaming down her face. There is a lot that she notices and doesn't speak of and I was so happy we were able to have that time to talk.  I have felt, at times, that she didn't really need or want to be close to me the way the boys had.  I am realizing that she does and she treasures our relationship in a way I hoped she would.  I think her friends have a lot to do with that.   They are all 13 and hate their moms and their stepdads (yes, most are children of divorce as well) and she realizes that she's pretty lucky.  She sees the stark contrast in the relationship I have with her brothers and she is determined not to go down the path that brings us to discord.  I told her there might come a day when she feels differently and all I ask is when she wants to roll her eyes and say she hates me that she remembers this conversation 😉.  I see so many of my good qualities in her and none of my bad ...well maybe a few 😛I will keep a close eye on her as these teen years progress and do my best to help her not repeat my mistakes.  As far as men in her life as role models? She has a few. Good ones.  Ones that love her tremendously.  Can't ask for more than that.  Or can I? In the end the best I can do is do my best and let God do the rest.  Because after all.....it's just a day in the life.

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Somewhere over the rainbow....

I had a long overdue conversation with my sister yesterday.  It was so needed and so therapeutic.  There is something about talking to someone who knows everything about you and comes from the same place that is like a spoon full of sugar.  It never fails that every time we talk a cardinal shows up and that lets us know our mom is there.

Our mom was one of the many subjects we touched on yesterday but one that led to so many of those other subjects.  I've been missing my mom a lot lately still.  It is strange because I know if I had the opportunity to talk to her about my life right now she wouldn't be able to help.  Nothing she would say would comfort me, in actuality I probably would have gotten pissed off to be honest.  She didn't know how to give advice, she only knew how to feel badly for me and I am someone who despises pity.  She would also tell me how incredibly strong and brave she thought I was and how she could never do what I do.  Instead of making me feel better that usually made me feel worse.  Because, if I'm being truthful, all I ever wanted growing up was to be my mom.  She always seemed to have it together.  The house was always like a hotel, show room ready. Dinner?  Fabulous every SINGLE night (no, I'm NOT exaggerating).  She always greeted my dad with a smile on her face, no matter how she felt inside and she seemed happy just being home with her family.  That is me.  In a nutshell.  Or is it?

My sister and I discussed how much our parents missed out on by living this seemingly perfect life.  FUN.  There was no fun in their world, it was all about maintaining the perfect life and the way it looked.  Blech.  I got over that when I quit the PTA in 2001.  I realized then that the illusion of perfection truly took away from what was truly important....spending time with my family.  I suppose I continued the illusion as far as my marriage with a lot of people because when I got divorced a lot of people told me they had no idea that I wasn't happy. And the Oscar goes to......  But as far as my kids? I became the mom I would have wanted.  They tell me everything and I give them my real life experience as help, not just "well just do it! or NO! you can't DO that!"  Lately they've been realizing it all and they are too kind with the praise.  My daughter went from being too cool to hug me or basically talk to me when I'm at school to running over to me and hugging me in front of the entire student body.  Why?  Because when she's face timing her friends every day and they hear and see pretty much everything that goes on in my house they have labeled me as "cool" and her as "lucky".  I'll take it!  But, I digress....back to what the illusion of perfection makes you miss out on.....

My sister was here a few weeks ago and we went to the beach and even got my dad to meet us there for dinner.  After dinner we (OK I) said I needed to go walk down to the water one more time.  Our dad joined us!  He's never done that in all the years they've been in Florida (32 years!).  So sad.  We discussed how we wish they had enjoyed their lives more.  They could have been like newlyweds again when they moved in 1985---no kids, no grandchildren yet....in this beautiful paradise they dreamed of moving to since 1973!  But instead they continued the routine they had followed my entire childhood.  Never looking outside the box.

The other day I was at the Magic Kingdom with my youngest son and we were on It's a Small World.  I started to tear up because my mom loved loved loved that ride.  I remember the look on her face every time we'd ride it.  Then I thought about my kids and what they'd remember about me.....mommy was a roller coaster junkie 😋.  I see so many moms not fully enjoying the time at the parks with their kids because they are in mom mode, or they're afraid or omg the excuses I hear for them for not going on rides with their kids.  I'm so grateful that I don't have any fears and I enjoy the rides just as much (OK, sometimes more) than my kids do.  I'm actually not very sympathetic to fears and anxieties so I'm grateful none of my kids have them either.  That's a blog for another day 😉

My point in all this is that life is SHORT!  Way too short to be anything but happy.  I know I've said it before but it's true.  I know sometimes life gets in the way and you can't always control the negative feelings, but if you can and you choose not to just because "this is how I've always done things" that's just crazy!  We are all given the same 24 hours in a day and what you choose to put into those 24 hours are what makes your life worth living.  I've been working on a List book with a very incredible young lady that I'm blessed to know.  We do our lists and then share them with each other to keep the other accountable.  She's living in Turkey so it's done remotely, but I look forward to those days when we share them.  I love seeing her viewpoint on life, she's such an inspirational young woman.  Last week it was What always cheers you up.  It's funny how simple our lists were.  There was no extravagant things on either one of them.  It was the simple little things.  So....no matter if you're 25 or 52 you should always find time for the things that make you happy.  For some of us it's a challenge first to figure out what those things are.  I'm sure if my mom and dad were asked they wouldn't have been able to answer that easily.  Can you?  Try it....and than go out and DO some of the things on your list!  Because after all......it's just a day in the life

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

A Dream is a Wish your heart makes..

I keep reading about the new moon and manifesting and how it's the perfect time to do so.  I went through an entire year doing prayer and meditation rituals for the full and new moons.  It became a bit taxing on my perfectionist mentality because I didn't always want to do it on the specific day allotted.  It caused stress and annoyance and that's the complete opposite of what it's supposed to do.

This morning I had a conversation with a long lost friend who reminded me of something I had taught her that has manifested into this amazing, incredible life for her.  She always thanks me for it but I forget I was the one who told her to do it.  She manifested her Perfect Soul mate.  I remember watching it all unfold and knowing that somehow it was going to work out.  They were living across the country from each other, both in very difficult divorce situations with children who were less than eager to be supportive.  Well, let me go back to the manifesting part.

I told her that she needed to make a list.  A list of all the qualities she wanted in this person.  It was VERY important to not use the word not or doesn't when wording the list.  For example....I want a partner who is forgiving instead of I want a partner who doesn't hold grudges.....get the drift? I want a partner who is easy going as opposed to I want a partner who is not controlling.  She laughed (that's kinda all we did together to be honest) and I wasn't sure she would do it.  I reminded her several times and she'd joke and say well of course he's not here I haven't made my list!  Well damned if she finished the list and he showed up shortly after.  Her knight in shining armor.  Her perfect match!  To the outside world it may have seemed doomed from the start or too good to be true or impossible.  But nothing is impossible if you truly believe!  Six months later she was in a UHaul driving herself to romantic New Jersey (ha!) to live happily ever after.  There were still obstacles in the way but that didn't stop our trusty Heroine...she was determined to follow the dream.  We fell out of touch and I totally understand it.  When you're following the dream you sometimes need to take a step back from people who might make you doubt that the path will work or anyone who could make you feel anything but joy about the path. We both moved across the country and have 3 children each and life gets in the way.  Out of the blue yesterday she sent something that touched my heart in a way that she couldn't know I needed and I texted her back to thank her.  We had a quick catch up session and not only is her happily ever after happening, they're moving in together this weekend and she is just beyond the moon.  All because of faith and a list and intention......Miracles happen every single day!

So....instead of wondering why life isn't going your way think about whether or not you have decided what you want your life to look like.  Have you sent clear signals to the Higher powers (I say God, some say universe) about exactly what it is that you want?  Do you even know?  That's the problem chickadee.  You're sending all kinds of *stuff* out there and none of it is bringing you what you want!  Make that list!  If it's a new job you want write a detailed list of what it looks like!  Don't dream small dream BIG.  I made a 4 page list once and it was delivered! When I needed a job (after 17 years of being out of the workplace and having kids to drive back and forth to school) I just put it out to God (I didn't even WRITE that one...)that I needed a job that would be flexible and take care of my needs.  It took 3 months but it came, as easy as getting a phone call from a friend!  Not every wish is granted overnight but divine timing has a place in it all as well.  Things need to be adjusted to bring you what you need. New home?  Where? What does it look like?  How much is it?  But the key is to let go after you write it.  Some even burn theirs during the new moon.  I didn't like that idea because I have a terrible memory and I wouldn't know if I got what I wanted ;) but hey, to each his own!

So, grab your pen, paper and your heart's desires and start deciding what you want.....and than have faith and believe and don't get all caught up in the hows and whens just know.....because after all.....it's just a day in the life!