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Saturday, March 31, 2018

What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me?

I'm a tough bitch.  No... that's not right.  I'm a STRONG bitch....that's better.  I'm still a marshmallow somewhere inside when surrounded by the right people.  The walls that I worked so hard to break down are now back up, higher than ever.  Funny how that works....how quickly they go back up.  I started my day yesterday having a shouting match with my daughter.  Yes, I'm as surprised as you are.  We're best friends.  We talk about everything, her friends tell her how lucky she is to have me.  And I don't need ANYONE to tell me how lucky I am to have her...she's the best.  My kids are the first ones to notice when the walls go up.  I'm different, even around them.  I'm distant and cold and removed.  Not myself at all.  Even when I'm smiling and laughing they see the difference.  They FEEL the difference.  You see....I have the ability to love so deeply that those that receive that love feel it to their core.  It oozes from my pores and it touches everything around me.  It's something I didn't even realize until someone brought it to my attention.  I assumed everyone was the same as I am.  No.  That's apparently not the case.  But the problem with loving like that is that you give the people you love the ability to destroy you.  Crush you like a bug.  And sometimes, if you're not careful, you don't recover, or if you do you are changed for life.  That is what happened to me....before I became stingy with who I give that love to .  Oh, don't get me wrong, I love and I'm generous and kind and supportive to anyone I take the time to have a conversation with.  But THAT love?  No.  That doesn't get passed out anymore.  In fact, the people who get THAT love...the love that gives them the ability to destroy me (and me to trust them not to) that goes to less than 5 people now.  I struggle with it still.  There are people that have gotten that love in the past that still know how to manipulate me and push my buttons and those old familiar feelings of guilt and pain and sadness threaten to overcome me.  But luckily, those people who still get that love pull me right back where I belong.They set me straight.

Yesterday morning...the reason for the shouting match?  I was treating my daughter as if she was like the ones that have destroyed me in the past.  That fear of her possibly becoming that causes me to sometimes keep her at arms length.  It causes me to keep my creme filling son there sometimes too but he won't allow it.  He smashes that wall down before it gets built.  He knows me that well, he sees it...thank God, even before I do.  We are all facing tremendous changes and have been for the last year.  But this year we know the changes are coming and even though we're excited about them, they are still tough issues to face. Another big move and all the change and uncertainty that comes with that. It's causing us to all have an underlying tension behind the smiles and the laughter.  Normally I would be convinced that nothing would break us.  But, this past year I've had a few people make me doubt everything....including my inner knowing and my belief that love conquers all.  That nothing could break something so strong and beautiful.  Nothing lasts forever.  This year has taught me not to share everything that goes on inside of me (yea, you read my blog can you imagine there's more than this lol) with anyone.  My journal has become my go to person.  It's where I let out all the things I don't trust myself to say, the things I don't want to admit to another soul anymore.  Where I relive those moments of pain and doubt and beat myself up for what I should have or could have done differently.  Where I ask....how the hell did I get here?  Why ?  Then I wipe my tears and I open up my other journal where I thank God for all my blessings, because there are many.  I pray and meditate and turn my thoughts to those.  The good things in life.  I have a home, I have 3 people living in this house that would do anything for me and love me no matter what, I have a sister that picks up my pieces more times than I can count, my dad---who gives me hope and strength, my bosses who have become my family-who check on me and get worried if I don't answer them (because apparently my first name is reliable πŸ˜‰) my cousin JeanMarie who always checks on me when she feels I'm off, Jilly who is there for me no matter what, Kimmy who always reaches out at the perfect time, like she feels my emotions....and through everything in my heart I have the one person who I love unconditionally for the first time in my life I truly know what unconditional love is....how lucky am I? 

For those people who have chosen not to come along on this crazy ride of mine...who have distanced themselves or cut me out of their lives completely....and for those that I've cut out of mine....I send love and light and the hope that one day you'll hold a mirror up and see that maybe you're not perfect and that no matter what I've never pretended to be someone I'm not...can you say the same?  Love me or leave me.....it's just a day in the life.

Monday, March 5, 2018

All my sorrows....sad tomorrows...take me back....to my old home

One of the best things about remaining friends with your ex is that you can ask them honest questions about what your flaws are and they'll answer them.  They have nothing to lose.  My ex husband and I aren't what I'd call friends, but we are very amicable and civil to each other.  We also are there for each other when needed.  For example when our moms passed away.  We offered a shoulder for each other and really helped each other out.  I asked him today what the best part about being married to me was and the worst part as well.  The best part was sweet to hear and nice that he recognized it.  The worst part was really eye opening for me and truly helped me realize something I didn't even know was being perceived that way.  Something for me to work on and I was truly grateful for the information.  Then he told me he was seeing someone and asked me to tell the kids.  Oy vey...some things never change.  But hey, I opened up the can of worms.  Very typical of our marriage and explains a lot about why we are divorced ;)

My oldest son came to me the other day with a chocolate bar in hand.  He gave me a huge hug and told me he loved me.  He said "ya know what Woman?  We are survivors.  No matter how many times we get knocked down we always get back up again and we always have each other's backs"  Interesting.  Especially coming from him.  I was glad to see he felt that way.  Time heals wounds and my relationship with him has gone through hell and back, but he knows that I will always be there for him and that means a lot to me.

THAT ENTRY WAS WRITTEN LAST FEBRUARY 2017

Funny because I had a very long and deep conversation with my ex yesterday and decided to write about it and I came across this in my draft folder.  Hmmm. funny how life changes yet stays the same.  As I write this my oldest son and I don't have a relationship.  He's living with his dad and isn't speaking to his siblings or myself.  So much for always having each other's backs.  His siblings and I will always have his back.  If he were to pick up the phone today to call or text us we would answer it. The reverse is not true.  He would ignore all of us. That being said my younger two kids don't have a relationship with their father at the moment.  Well, my daughter hasn't had one in 6 years, but it's new for my creme filling son.  He asked me to reach out to his father for some information he needed yesterday and I did.  It lead to another soul searching, eye opening conversation between my ex husband and me.  I see things so clearly with him now and being detached from any feelings towards him or any need to spend any time with him.  I don't bite at his comments that I know are leading me to have a negative conversation. He trusts me and I'm one of the only people in his life he can vent to.  Sorry...I don't want to be that person anymore and I've learned how to avoid those conversations. I can also say anything to him and I don't have to worry about him taking it wrong or getting offended.  He also knows my history and I know his. There is a comfort in that.  It was nice to be appreciated for my input and being able to be honest in a way that I was afraid to be when we were married.

After what I thought was the end of our conversation he sent me a you tube video and told me he couldn't get this song out of his head. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xTeI65yrhGw 
It broke my heart.  No one should live with regret.  It also reminded me to live in the moment, look forward to the future and forget the past. You never know what the the future holds, I'm sure no one says their wedding vows and thinks that they're going to get divorced some day.  I didn't raise my children thinking that at some future moment in time they wouldn't be speaking to one another or to me or to their father.  I said to my ex that it makes me sick how broken we are, that our kids aren't speaking to each other and he said words of wisdom...."just because we're broken now doesn't mean it won't be fixed."  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Life isn't that certain to me anymore.  Things I thought for sure would happen haven't and things I never thought would happen did.  The future is uncertain, that's why I make it a point to never say never.  I also make it a point to find the good in every single situation and every day I'm lucky enough to open my eyes.  Make memories you will want to look back on and forget the ones you don't....because after all....it's just a day in the life xo


Thursday, March 1, 2018

The dinner theory....sorry no catchy song lyrics for this one :)

Happy March!  Not sure how March came up so quickly this year but yet here we are!  I'm a planner.  I'm a doer.  I'm not a waiter....or a winger....I like to know what's ahead of me.  I have said my whole life I can deal with ANYTHING as long as I know what I'm dealing with!  Even when my son was diagnosed with cancer and the Dr. came in to tell us about his treatment plan....he asked my son and me when we wanted to get started...we looked at each other and said "Today?"  I loved that calendar...I loved the plan all laid out in front of us, knowing when and what was going to happen as he tackled this disease.  During that time the hardest thing was when his counts didn't line up and they had to push the treatment off a week.  You see....we planned a trip to New York for Halloween because that was going to be his prize....his thing to look forward to during this horrific time.  Eye on the prize we would say.  Working towards something motivated him.  It's always motivated me.  Knowing why I'm doing something is necessary for me to do it with my whole heart.  Having a goal and an end game is just vital. 

Last year a lot of time that I could have spent enjoying things or relaxing were spent frozen because I was waiting for something that didn't even happen.  Had I known that it wasn't happening last year I would have been okay with it, I would have gone about my life not putting things off "in case" or "until" the event was occurring.  I'd rather suffer the pain of disappointment then the agony of waiting for something that isn't going to transpire.  In my morning chat with my Maple Leaf bestie I was saying how I can't handle uncertainty.  How I can deal with anything but that.  And she said she totally got it...she said it's the dinner theory.  Ummmm huh?  HUGE question mark on my face.  'Splain please.  "The dinner theory...hang with me!  Like if I'm told when I get home that there will be spaghetti and meatballs and I walk in and there is Chinese food I'm annoyed/upset/disappointed because I was ready for Spaghetti and meatballs.  I was looking forward to spaghetti and meatballs.  I was prepared for spaghetti and meatballs."  YES!  I get it!  The dinner theory!  Works!  It's not a matter of being rigid or inflexible to life's twists and turns it's just a matter of preparation.  I like impromptu things.  For instance...speaking of the dinner theory.  I plan my menus a week in advance.  I shop based on those menus (don't judge me...I told you I like to be prepared).  Now....if Tuesday comes and I don't feel like making what was planned for Tuesday or if someone says "hey lets go out or can we have xyz instead?"  I'm all for that.  I don't mind deviating from the plan....I just like to have it there in case.  Am I making any sense here?  The plan gives me comfort.  It lets me know that I have it under control in case.   I know ultimately that God is the one in control....that even if I 'think' I know what is going to transpire and I plan for it that He can change it in the blink of an eye and that's okay by me.  Because I know His plan is way better than anything I could have imagined.  I just normally have this strong intuition that I can feel Him guide me on my path....lately He's showing me that I don't need to see the path I need to trust Him.  And I am....and I need to learn to enjoy the present moment because they don't last forever.

Yesterday I was working and my kids were helping and I told them to just go and enjoy themselves in the pool.  My son kept asking me if I was going to join them.  I said yes, in a minute...I just want to finish.  I heard them laughing outside and he sent me a picture of them in the hot tub.  I realized that so much is changing this year....including us not living in the same space by the end of the year.  I stopped what I was doing and put my bathing suit on and joined them.  We then went home and I picked up dinner on the way so that I didn't have to waste time in the kitchen (ooops the dinner theory got blown there...no burritos----fried chicken instead) and we spent the rest of the night laughing and watching This is Us (I KNOW!  BEST SHOW EVER!) and just relishing in the now.  Nothing lasts forever......it's just a day in the life......

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

You can go your own way....you can call it another lonely day

Sometimes doing things your own way can create a lonely existence.  But isn't it better to be lonely than force yourself to live a lie?  In talking to my bestie from the country above me, we have once again realized many things in a short conversation on her drive to work.  Life is too short to fit into other peoples molds of what it's supposed to look like.  We realized last night that some people....okay MOST people do not look at life the way we do.  We never have fluffy conversations.  We don't discuss weather or food or plans for the day or clothing.  We discuss life.  We discuss purpose.  We discuss the past and how it relates to the future and the lessons we are learning and how to become the best people we can be.  The people we are destined to become.  It blew our minds last night when we realized not everyone does this.  What do they talk about, we pondered.  How can they look at things and not try to figure out WHY the patterns repeat and WHAT they are supposed to be changing or learning from each obstacle or issue that life throws at them.  What do they DO just ignore it?  Wow. Sad.  How can life ever get better if you don't figure out what's not working and why?  This brings me to this mornings chat.

I've been having difficulty sleeping for the first time in my life.  It is mind blowing to me that people deal with this for years and years and years.  The constant thoughts running through my head, fear gripping me, recurring dreams and messages and lying there just wanting sleep and it not coming.  Wow.  My heart breaks for those who deal with that.  Am I going to just say, damn now I'm one of them?  Hell no!  I'm not going down without a fight.  I figured out the reason for this and I will find a way to fix it.  So, I'm talking to my Canadian soul sister and we're running through 700 different topics in the 30 minutes we have to chat and what the main outcome today was....the hell with the experts and the leaders and what "they" say to do.  We need to find our OWN way and what works in OUR lives....all of us!  There is no cookie cutter recipe for success or happiness.  What works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another.  And for someone to THINK that their way is the only way just proves that they are small minded and pathetic.  Sorry.  Judgmental?  Maybe.  But that's my opinion and I'm entitled to it just like everyone else is.  And these so called "experts"?  Their view is most likely deeply rooted in their opinion...remember that!  Sure there are scientific facts that are valid and should be considered, but that's not LIFE! The only scientific fact that rules life is that we are all going to die...the rest is up for interpretation.  The only person who is an expert in YOUR life is.....drum roll please......YOU.  That's right dear reader...you are the only one qualified to make the determination for what is going to work in your life.  And here's the key.....the magic ingredient.....you need to TRUST yourself. Yes...yes that's right...trust YOU.  Not Abraham Hicks or Tony Robbins or Eckhart Tolle or Oprah and not even Deepak Chopra.  YOU!  Yes all of these "experts" have a lot of great information and tips to help.  Yes I've incorporated a lot of it into my life (except Oprah...not a fan πŸ˜‰) but guess what? I had to learn to TRUST myself when something didn't resonate or feel right to me.  Yes...I'm slow and sometimes I spent months doing something that didn't resonate because ummmm duh, they're "experts" right?  WRONG!  My maple leaf bestie and I were discussing how those months/weeks/days of trying to fit a square peg into a round hole were lessons yes but a huge waste of precious time that we could have spent trusting our guts/intuition/higher self.

I woke up this morning (woke up HA that's a hot one...if you call what I did last night sleeping!) in a huge panic.  I was shaking inside and felt so drained and just a huge mess if I'm being honest (WHICH I always am for the record) and I reached for my coffee and my newest best friend....my 3 journals.  I wrote until my hand was going to explode and poof.  Anxiety gone.  Ready to face the day with my big girl panties (OK, granny panties) in place.  This new ritual I started at the beginning of the year of journaling and pulling angel cards for myself to start the day is life changing.  The cards aren't always clear these days but the journaling is a life saver.  1 is my journal of thoughts, quotes etc.  1 is a prayer journal...direct letters from me to the Big Guy upstairs---this one is the BEST thing I've ever done for myself. I pour out every want, fear, doubt, blessing...I express my gratitude and I make deals with Him.  That's right...I make deals, don't judge πŸ’—.  If you send me this I'll do this.....YES some "experts" might say it doesn't work like that but guess what?  Those experts don't have my relationship with God, I do!  Maybe it doesn't work for everyone but it works for me.  And that...my friends is what it is all about...finding what works for you....not anyone else...you!  And if you find that the people in your life don't agree with what you're doing?  Then stop asking them for permission to live your life....it's nobodies business.  And from this "expert's" opinion?  If that's the case? You need some new people....just sayin'.  No one has all the answers....but you're the best one to ask....because after all?  It's just a day in the life...

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

And somewhere, sometime from now together again somehow All of the waiting will seem like a moment and then


Life can change in a moment.  Miracles happen every day.  These are the thoughts that have been consuming my head in the last few weeks.  That adorable puppy you see pictured above snuggled on my favorite blanket came into our lives in an instant.  I had been thinking hmmm maybe we should get a puppy.  I was wondering how my other dog would take it, I thought wth was I thinking?  Why make more work for myself and I was going back and forth. Not all the time but every few weeks the thought would pop in.  We were at the dentist and poof she was running down the street.  We picked her up with the intention of returning her to her owners.  Um,yea they never surfaced.  We put up signs, I posted on social media, we registered with the animal shelters.  Low and behold, 4 years later we can't imagine life without her. She immediately became part of the family as easy as breathing. The other morning she must have slipped past me out the back and I shut the patio door and didn't realize she was there.  A little while later I realized I didn't see her in the house and I panicked.  I looked all over, went out by the pool and started to get frantic.  I opened the front door and called her.  Nothing.. I repeated my steps and I was in disbelief that she could have disappeared.  I went out front again and she came running.  My head thought omg someone could take her and poof she'd be gone.  I would not know what to do.  Yes she's chipped and yes she has a tag but that doesn't help if someone wanted her!  It just proved to me that everything can change in an instant.
Yesterday I had this exchange with my beautiful daughter.   I looked at the time that I sent my message....11:55....angel numbers.  11 your thoughts are manifesting quickly into reality keep them positive and 55 rapid changes are coming.  Those numbers have been beating down my door as of late.  So I know the everything can change in an instant... thoughts aren't a coincidence.  I think big changes are coming for my family once again.

Yesterday my son texted me that he had to call 911 for a coworker having an asthma attack.  It was serious stuff.  I joked later with him because I called 911 too because I saw the start of a fire on the side of the road.  We had banter at the dinner table over who was the bigger hero.  I felt that I, of course, won because I pretty much saved the entire state of Florida from, quite possibly the worst forest fire ever πŸ‘§πŸ˜while he just helped a person get oxygen.  He disputed that he was practically a superhero because he followed the instructions and saved a life and my dinky little fire was probably controlled. πŸ˜‘The conversation did become serious as we discussed that life can change in an instant.  The instant he was diagnosed with cancer....the minute he (at 5 years old) announced that he was okay with the family moving to AZ and the decision was made....the moment he decided that he lost his passion for baseball and changed his future plans (because it truly happened in an instant!)...getting a message out of the blue from someone who changes your life forever....it all happens in a moment.

This morning I got a message from my boss. Their sister in law has been suffering with a brain tumor for quite some time.  She asked me yesterday if I would be available at a moment's notice this week because it didn't look good.  This morning they realized that if they wanted to see her again before she passed they had to go today so she asked if I could handle things while they traveled to see her.  I started to cry for this woman I had never met.  I cried for her husband and her family.  Even though they have been preparing for the worst I am sure the finality of it was hitting like a ton of bricks.  In an instant....it's over.  

This week marks the anniversary of my mom's passing.  Today would have been their 64th wedding anniversary.  During that time I remember vividly sleeping on their couch and being woken up out of a sound sleep with the sick feeling in my stomach that my mom was going to die.  I thought Oh My God how does she feel knowing that these are her last days?  What does that feel like?  I am crying now as I cried then.  How scary!  But is it?  When you've been suffering for so long are you scared or are you peaceful?  All I know is that one moment she was breathing and the next she wasn't.  In an instant life changed.  It ended for her and it changed for the rest of us. 

So remember....every moment is precious....because in the next? It can all change, for better or worse.  Be grateful for every breath you take and don't ever take that for granted.  And if this moment isn't actually one of the best don't worry....miracles happen every day and it can all change in a moments time....in a day in the life...... 

Sunday, February 18, 2018

Like a bolt out of the blue, suddenly it comes to you...When you wish upon a star

Magical...stick with me...there's a point to my rambling.  Promise! 

I work for a property management company in Orlando.  I went in to check a house after vacationers had checked out.  There were 2 balloons floating at the top of the vaulted ceiling.  I contacted my colleagues and told them they would need to bring a ladder over because there was no other way to retrieve them.  I mentioned that I had always wanted one of those balloons since I was a little girl.  When we went to Disney for the first time last year after becoming resident pass holders I mentioned to my daughter that I had always wanted one of those balloons.  She looked at me with a big question mark on her face and said "Ummmm, why don't you just get one mama?"  I laughed and said that ship has sailed, I don't need it now I'm a grown ass woman.  It would be silly to buy one now.  I told her that when she and her brothers were little and we would go to Disney I secretly hoped one of them would ask for one because then I could have it too, but they were never interested.  It's pretty typical of my personality, it seemed so frivolous to waste money on a silly balloon no matter how much I was always drawn to it.  Here I was 46 years after the first time I had seen one still wanting it! 

Today I went to my bosses house to get it ready for the next guests and low and behold there was the balloon, waiting for me. They had sent me a picture of it the other day and I assumed it was to show me that they were able to get it down from the ceiling but no....they left it for me.  I finally have my wish fulfilled.  And then it hit me.....no matter how long it takes for a wish to come true you have to have faith that it will.

I came home holding my treasure, smiling probably larger than I would have even as a 7 year old little girl.  My kids laughed and said HA! You got one.  Did you go to Disney without us????  I said No!  It's from one of the houses!  And my son said "See, your prayer was finally answered and you got your wish!"  I looked at him with wide eyes and I said "That's EXACTLY it! " 

And so....I'm passing this on to you.  I'm sure it seems silly and like I'm reaching but I am telling you when I saw that balloon I felt a peace in my soul that life is unfolding exactly as it's supposed to.  And as I typed that "Somewhere over the Rainbow" came on my speaker, as a confirmation from my mom. No matter what it is your heart desires if you keep on believing it will come to you.....don't give up!  Your happily ever after and dreams come true are there waiting....you just need to believe and be patient and accept that it's not always exactly the way you imagined it, but it's perfect nonetheless.  And today was so much more than just a day in the life......

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Sunshine on my shoulders....makes me happy....

 I woke up this morning and I was transported back to 1970.  When I would wake up on Valentines day to presents from my daddy.  I was on the phone with my sister and I just started sobbing.  This boy of mine....he's a man now....just never ceases to amaze me.  He is so strong and wise beyond his years.  He has a heart that knows no bounds.  His love for us and his fiance is priceless.  I often wonder that he puts way too much pressure on himself but he is happiest when he is making others happy. I just described myself.
 The letter he wrote me is one that every mother should strive to receive.  I am always telling him he gives me way too much credit for my place in his life.  He insists he doesn't love everyone and he doesn't give out freebies!  He has shown that recently...he holds people accountable for their actions. But, I'll take it....even for today because my heart could use a band-aid and this healed it.   It's proof that everything can change overnight.  Today is the beginning of Happy Valentines days from now on.  No more mourning what is lost. He begged me to not stop being me...to not stop loving the way I love and to never stop having his back, because he needs me. He says we have to celebrate the team we are and how strong our family is to have survived the things we've survived.  We HAVE been through hell and back and we are bonded together tighter for it.  He left a bag for his sister and her letter was started as "To the sister I prayed for"  ....when he was a little 4 year old he would kneel by his bed every night and press his tiny little fingers together and say "Dear God, please let me have a sister".  Whenever my daughter is torturing him she says, "Dear God, LET me have a sister!  And HERE I am!!!!"  It makes me realize that even though we're missing a link we are still a strong chain.  We added a link, my future daughter in law, and she is right there with us during it all.  We will continue to add to our chain or team as my son called it and we will continue to weather life's ups and downs....together.  And my sister reminded me this morning of something I have preached many times....God has it.  I need to stop focusing on what I don't have and focus on the things I do.  Wow....she's probably the only person who can say that to me without me getting my panties in a bunch 😎  But she shook me out of my sadness.  Enough!

Yes, today was a horrible, tragic day 3 years ago.  Probably one of the worst of my life.  Yes, my life isn't what I hoped it would be at this moment in time but so what?  It's pretty damn good.  And through it all God will hold us in the palm of his hand and never let us fall...because after all....it's just a day in the life.

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

We're after the same rainbows end....waitin' round the bend.....

Valentines Day for many is a day to celebrate love.  To show the world how much your significant other and the other people in your life mean to you.  For me?  It's become a day of loss.  A day of pain and a day of suffering.  No.  Not because I don't have a Valentine.  Because of the things that have occurred on this day in 2015 and the years following.  It seems impossible to remember the happy days when I was a young girl when I'd wake up to candy and an adorable stuffed animal from my daddy.  When I'd come home from school with armloads of valentines from classmates.  From my high school years when my boyfriends would spoil me with gifts and signs of affection.  From the years that I would work so hard to make Valentines day special for my kids and their classmates.  Was that even this lifetime?  I can't remember.  For me it's a day of pain and sorrow.  It's a day of shutting down and tears and primal sobs. My son is determined that this year he will begin to celebrate Valentines day again...he and his fiance are off of work and school and they're going to Disney and have a magical day.  Good for HIM!  It's time he begins to break this darkness. My daughter on the other hand came to me the other day and said Mommy I can't go to school on Wednesday, please don't make me.  I immediately thought of the boy she likes and thought she was trying to avoid the disappointment that not getting that message would bring.  I was preparing my great mom speech about self love when she burst into tears about her brother and her YaYa.  Shit. Wow.  Now what?  Selfishly I was thinking I was the only one who felt it every year.  I was hoping to have that time while she was in school to suffer alone and wallow in my own pain and heartbreak.  Well, misery loves company I suppose.  She assured me the dance was Tuesday and she would, of course, go to that.  Okay then.  Sobfest 2018 table for two please?  I realized I'd have to put the mask on and be there for her.  I can't fall apart because she's falling apart. 

I dropped her at school this morning and she was wearing this beautiful maroon dress that she didn't get to wear to her cousin's engagement party and Wow.  She looked stunning....my baby girl.  All grown up...I missed it.  I feel like I've missed so much, I have forgotten what it was like when she was little.  It seems she grew up overnight.  There is a hint of sadness around her that shouldn't be there!  She should be happy and moody and all teenage like.  She has had so many people let her down already in her 14 years it crushes me!  I fear what her future relationships will look like because the men in her life have given her nothing to trust.  Except one of her brothers.  He is her rock.  He is her standard that I pray she holds all other men to.  They are so close...they speak a language only they understand.  His fiance and I look at each other with giant question marks when they are speaking and laughing so hard they can't breathe.  He is the only light in her bleak vision of the male gender.  I pray she holds onto that. I pray she realizes that sometimes peoples actions and words do align. I pray she knows that it's possible for her to trust that no matter what she'll find someone like that who will not let her down.

So, I woke up this morning and allowed myself the emotions that February has come to represent.  I listened to "Moon River" by Andy Williams and let the sadness that has overcome my life recently to roll down my cheeks.  The ache in my heart to just come out of my throat and just feel it.  I have to.  I have suppressed it for far too long.  I cried out to my mom to please please help me...She has worked so many miracles in my life since she has passed but I don't think she's able to fix what's broken this time. It's time for me to realize that nothing will ever be what it once was just a short time ago. Sometimes loving people isn't enough.  Sometimes you have to let them go. You can reach out and show your love and support but if that love and support isn't wanted or needed there isn't much you can do.  Sometimes the way you love isn't the love that a person needs. I must admit that with everything I have experienced in my life nothing hurts more than being shut out of someone's life without warning or discussion or closure of any kind. I can deal with pretty much anything except that.  When I said goodbye to my mother 3 years ago tomorrow I at least knew it was most likely the last time I would see her. But once I know I've done everything I can I need to let it go.  My knees are bruised from constant prayer and that I will never stop.  My faith in God and His plan for my life is strong.  I don't see it or understand it but I trust it.  I know that He is with us during this time and He will continue to be, because after all....it's just a day in the life.

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

Sleepless hours and dreamless nights and far aways...wishing you were here

It's February.  Already.  I have never been a huge fan of January or February but these past 3 years they have been even worse.  I can't believe it's been nearly 3 years since I said goodbye to my mom.  I do my best not to dwell on the sadness and negativity surrounding that time and I think about how my family came together and we celebrated her life and supported each other through it.  But after watching This is Us on Sunday night and having a conversation with my creme filling son yesterday the emotion was really raw.

My younger kids miss my mom tremendously.  I feel badly because I know they don't talk about it as much as they normally would because I am so emotional about it.  I miss her so much.  Just last week I actually thought I need to call mommy.  And then these waves of sadness took over my body and I couldn't stop the tears.  She's gone dummy you can't call her!  I need her right now. I need someone who looks at me like I hung the moon....someone I don't need to be strong for, someone who just loves me and doesn't need anything from me and who I can't disappoint...someone who would defend me tooth and nail with no thought.  I need my mommy.

When she first passed away I was totally fine.  I thought, hmmm why do people act like it's the end of the world.  It's not like I saw her every day....it's not that bad.  As time passed the pain got worse.  I think I remembered every negative thing about my mom at the beginning as a protection for myself.  There was so much other stuff going on in my life I didn't have time for more sorrow.  But as time healed those wounds the wound of my mom's death seemed to open up.  Each milestone with my kids was like salt in that open wound.  Wanting to share it with her and I can't.  My son is getting married and so is my niece.  My Godson is expecting his first child....these are all HUGE things that my mom would be over the moon excited about!  When I think of my son's wedding and her not being there it makes me physically hurt.  She adored him....she had a very very special relationship with him....and he with her.  The thought of a picture on a table replacing her physical being is painful to me.  My son and daughter talk about her all the time...ALL the time.  She is a constant fixture in my home.  If she only knew how many YaYaism's there were. How many times they say "YaYa would HATE that!"  or "YaYa would be rolling on the floor over that"... I know she knows....I feel her with us.  I am fortunate enough to be able to hear her and talk to her, but it's not enough.  I want her HERE.  I want to smell her.  I want to hold her hand and laugh with her.  I want to tell her how much I understand about what she must have felt while we were becoming adults.

This also leads me to think about my oldest son....my first born....if you would have ever told me we would be estranged I would have thought you were crazy.  But here we are.  I am relieved that my mother isn't physically here to see that.  It would break her heart.  My creme filling son and I were discussing it yesterday and it hurts me more I think that my kids aren't talking to each other more than it hurts that my son turned his back on me.  Being a parent of adult children is harder than any sleepless night, stomach virus, ear infection, flu, playground altercation or anything else you go through when they're little.  Last week my daughter had an issue at school and I went in and handled it.  I was her hero---mommy fixed it.  Damn, I miss those days when I could FIX things.  I can't fix this, any of this.  I can't bring their beloved YaYa back....I can't make my children speak to each other...I can't heal the disappointments or disagreements.  When they were little I'd make them stay in the gameroom for 24 hours together until they worked it out.  They hated me for it but it worked!  I can't do that anymore.  I'm helpless....not a good look for a mama bear like me.  But....what I can do is get on my knees and pray every night for God to fix it.  I can beg my mom to watch over them and nudge them in the right direction.  That's all I can do and I hope it's enough.....because after all.....it's just a day in the life.
and as if by magic my phone went off......and this is what I found.  Can't make this stuff up.

Saturday, January 20, 2018

Silence is Golden.....but my eyes still see

Yesterday I got a text from my 14 year old daughter.  "I need to talk to you when I get home"  uh oh.  I responded "Ummmm ok, are you alright?  Did something happen?"  she responded that yes something happened and she was crying to her friend.  Crying? At school? My daughter?  Shit...that's big.  I asked if she wanted me to pick her up early (yes...I am THAT mother, don't judge me!)  She said no she would be ok (until 35 minutes later when she changed her mind but it was too late).  I picked her up and she was telling me about one of her friends treating her like she was stupid and she was pissed.  (It's a genetic thing....nothing gets to us like being treated like we're stupid!)  ok...normal stuff.  Then come the tears.  A few things that she is extremely sensitive about were commented on by this boy.  This boy has been an issue all year for his insensitive comments but I think it just got to be too much for her.  My daughter is beautiful....inside and out and it's a known fact not just my view of her....society's view of her too.  I've said before that if I looked like her when I was 14 I would have been over the moon.  But that's my point.....no matter how beautiful or handsome or put together you look on the outside, we ALL have something about ourselves that is less than.  And it's not for anyone else to judge or critique...it's ours.  Which brings me to my point....be CAREFUL with your words!!!!

After I got over my initial gut reaction to drive back to the school and rip someone a new one and contact this kids parents and tell them they were raising a monster, I reflected.  To someone else what this kid said was nothing. Just stupid stuff.  But to my daughter?  It was like salt in an open wound.  These were her insecurities that no one else would know about.  They wouldn't know how many hours we spent in the health and beauty aids section searching for the perfect solutions (not to fix her....I tell her all the time she is perfect just the way she is!  To help HER feel better about these ''flaws" that SHE sees)....how many nights she cried before bed because of them.  How heartbreaking it is to watch her feel this way and I can't fix it.  I had the same thing with my youngest son....his height....always comments about it.  Why do people feel that it's ok to comment on some one's size....or coloring.....or anything for that matter?!?!  I remember my mother being so upset because people would comment on how thin she was.  Ummmm really mommy?  Like I'd kill for those comments!  And then I realized....it was the same thing!  My mother didn't like people "criticizing" her for her size.  I, as someone who has struggled with weight my ENTIRE life, saw it as a compliment...but she was self conscious about it.  She didn't like people noticing what she wore or what size she was.  We ALL have something!!!!  When I first started working I remember people commenting on how everything matched.  My shoes, my purse, my earrings.  It sounds complimentary right?  But to ME?  It felt like I was being criticized and judged.  It's all in the eye of the recipient.  People comment on what a great mom I am and how lucky my kids are.....I used to wear that like a badge of honor.  It made me feel like I was fulfilling my purpose.  Now?  I don't have a relationship with my oldest son.  When people say to me now that I'm a good mom etc?  I feel like it's a knife in my heart because I feel like it's fake.  Like it's a facade!  That is on me, I know that....there is nothing wrong with telling someone they are good at something.  If they can't own it then that's something they have to work on themselves.  I'm just pointing out how even a compliment can feel like a jab at a certain time.

My point in all this ramble is to think before you speak.  Try not to comment on people's personal appearance...their height, their weight, their skin....it's reinforcing the superficialness of this society.  Why are people praised for being tall?  Did they have any choice?  Is it like they worked so hard to be tall?  And why is tall such a positive quality?  Who decided that?  Why are people teased and made fun of for being short?  It doesn't make sense!  People are shamed for being fat and praised for being thin....I'm guilty of this one myself. My oldest son was bullied for being overweight and he lost 30 pounds and began a very unhealthy obsession with his weight.  It is sad!  Sad to me that society judges people by what's on the outside.

I choose how I feel about someone by the person that they are.  I even see them differently by their personality. People become "ugly" to me by their actions.  I think I see people in terms of energy and their aura rather than physical appearances.  I wish everyone had the ability to do that.  But until that time comes....silence is golden.....think before you speak....and remember.....everyone is fighting a battle we know nothing about so be kind...it's just a day in the life.

Sunday, January 14, 2018

Feelings....nothing more than feelings....

This week sucked.  There I said it.  From start to finish it just sucked.  It was one of those weeks where my thoughts and feelings were so congested I couldn't even figure out what was going on.  I felt anxiety and sadness and excitement and dread....basically every emotion under the sun at once.  I wanted so badly to put pen to paper in my journal and get it all out and I couldn't seem to focus long enough to do it.  I'm finally calm enough to recap it. 

I was supposed to be going to New York this weekend for my beautiful Nieces engagement party.  I was really looking forward to it and so was my daughter.  Part of me was upset because my son wasn't going to be able to attend and I knew he was really upset about it.  But, I unfortunately have come to terms that not everything is the way it used to be when they were little.  I am worried that my intuition is blocked because I never dreamt that I wouldn't be in New York this weekend, it didn't even cross my mind.  I drove to my friends to drop off the dog and then down to my dad's on Thursday.  Got to the airport early on Friday to leave plenty of time for parking and my dad being slower these days.  Got through checking the bag, security and to the gate.  When we got there our flight was already delayed 30 minutes.  Pretty typical for Frontier Airlines so I wasn't too concerned.  Then it was another hour....apparently the Captain was coming from another flight.  Ok, no worries...still good.  I'm sitting in between my dad and my daughter and watching this woman FREAK out because they weren't making announcements.  I looked at her and thought....wow, that would have been me back in the day. I used to be that person.  Now I was embarrassed for her because jeez what a scene over something you have no control over.  The girl that was taking care of my dad's wheel chair needs was giving us updates so I was pretty calm.  My dad?  Not so much.  I realized that as you get older you go one of two ways....1.  Everything pisses you off and you have no tolerance for anything or 2.  You make the best of everything and just let it go.  I choose #2....my dad?  Ummm not so much.  Then we were told there was heavy fog in NY.  Now I started to think we would be there a while and my dad wasn't having it.  Let's just leave, this is ridiculous.  Than my daughter....sad little face but no words.  Me....sitting in the middle thinking crap!  One of them is going to pissed no matter what I decide to do.  Anxiety gripped my stomach and I felt near tears.  I was so concerned with the both of them I didn't even have time to process what I was feeling.  I did what I always do, I prayed.  I asked for somehow our plane to be the one that still goes!  Flights were being cancelled left and right but I kept thinking somehow ours would get out.  Wrong!  Flight cancelled.  No flights available until Sunday.....I was in shock.  My daughter was devastated!  She is such a trooper she just quietly sat while I tended to getting our bags and calling the airlines and trying my hardest to get us out the next morning from any airport in Florida.  I couldn't make it happen.  It wasn't until my dad and daughter were both asleep that night that I allowed myself to FEEL the overwhelming sadness that had been building.  The disappointment flowed down my cheeks and I realized.....how often in my life I was so concerned with everyone else's feelings that I didn't allow myself to feel my own. 

I remembered so many times in my life before marriage and my children that ALL I thought about were my own feelings.  I didn't take others into account as much as I should have maybe.  I'm not sure if it was just age and maturity or it was being married to someone who was very self absorbed or it was becoming a mom or all of the above that caused me to change that way of thinking.  At some point I began to absorb others feelings and take them to be more important than my own.  I struggle so much with when is it ok for my feelings to matter.  I always feel like a bitch when I allow myself to say hey- what about how I feel? 

On the drive home yesterday I was so emotional and it was bubbling up inside of me because apparently I've allowed the wall I used to have up to rebuild itself a bit so I don't feel as deeply.  I wanted to release the feelings because the inner turmoil was just way too much to handle, I felt like there was a hurricane inside of me wanting to come out.  Realizing that the people you most want to connect with at times like this are not always available to you is devastating sometimes.  I do my best (and honestly?  I succeed) to be there always when my loved ones need me and to know that the people I lean on aren't always there for me is crushing at times.  I get it that not everyone has the flexibility that I do as far as time goes, but when people just choose to not be there it's a hard pill to swallow.  And then I rationalize that their problems are bigger than mine and there I go again.....putting my feelings second. The problem with always being able to put yourself in someone else's shoes and understand their point of view is that you struggle with allowing your point of view to matter. It's a vicious cycle and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to break it.

I finally allowed all the feelings and frustrations and hurt and sadness and anger to pour out of me which wasn't really brilliant while I was driving.  I kept wiping my eyes and the tears kept flowing.  So many realizations....so many areas of my life.....all swirling around like a tornado and dredging up stuff that has long been put to rest.  Doubting my choices, doubting my reactions, doubting my future, doubting the changes I've made to myself....all rushing in as I was cruising down the highway towards home.  Home.  The place I longed to be.  The place where I feel safest and most comfortable.  I was so anxious to get there and be where my soul is at peace. Some people love Starbucks or Dunkin Coffee...me?  Coffee tastes best in my kitchen. The building doesn't matter to me, it's the feeling I get when I'm there.  My routine, my comfort level....it hit me then that when I was happiest was when my 3 children were all young enough for me to decide where they would be.....having them all around me during a snow day or a pajama day.  When we would all just exist in the same space and there was no where else any of us would rather be.  There was no choosing whose feelings were more important....we were all on the same page.  Bliss.  I missed that time for the first time in my life I think. I have always just accepted where I was at any given time.  But this...this was me allowing my feelings to come first.  My feelings to matter.  I miss the days when I was their whole world and they were mine.  The only things of importance happened in those rooms, in our home, in our togetherness.  But....those days are gone.  I have one son who is living states away with no contact, one son who is preparing to marry and move out of our home and my daughter who is struggling to find her place in this crazy world too.  What I wouldn't give for one more pajama day with those little people. 

But life goes on as it should and must.  There will be new happiness and new moments of bliss down the road, in different ways and different combinations... Christmas day was a moment of that bliss when my son and his fiance and my daughter and I just existed together, playing games and enjoying the feeling of being home.  The moments aren't lost forever, they are just fewer and farther between.  My soul needs to find a new peace and a new clarity and it will.  It always does.  I need to allow my feelings to matter....to come first more often before I forget what it is that makes me happy as I did for so many years.  It took me too long to find that again to lose it.  In the midst of it all it's just a day in the life......


Sunday, October 22, 2017

A Letter to my Mommy on her 3rd birthday in Heaven

Happy 83rd Birthday Mommy!  How I wish you were here.  Things would be so so different!  I spent the week taking care of daddy.  You would be SO proud of him.  He's really keeping up all of your ways and traditions....the house looks almost like you're still there.  Almost lol.  The new comforter you'd HATE lol and you'd be flipping out over the guest room, but hey....he is who he is 😏.

When I'm there...in your home I feel this odd thing come over me when I'm in your kitchen cooking.  I slow down and I do things the way you would...and I'm so happy. By the way I FINALLY got the pasta fagioli to be the way daddy swears you made it.  Maybe you did make it that way, I don't remember it being so thick but what do I know.  He's a tough nut, Cookie....I give you a lot of credit for being so patient all those years.  Very very high standards that man has for those around him.  But you...you surpassed them all whether you realized it or not.  I know he realizes it.   It's difficult for me not to resort to being 13 again when I'm around him.  I need to remind myself that I'm not that little girl anymore.  I miss our knowing looks across the table when something was said.  I miss you laughing at my anecdotes and the joy on your face when I made you laugh.

You would think it would get easier as time passes but every time I go down to see Daddy it's harder.  I think about how different it would be during the entire drive there and by the time I walk in the door I'm so sad it's unbearable.  Stupid I know.  I should stop doing that, but you know me....can't let go of bad habits so quickly.  I can't help myself.  Living here...so close to you....things would be so different if you were alive.  I know you'd be visiting me more...Michaels is just up the street, we would be gluing and flowering and crafting up a storm.  You'd be teaching Lulu patience in cooking and baking.....and she'd be teaching you the ins and outs of being Lulu.  She misses you mommy.  Sometimes I find her crying in her room with your picture.  Breaks my heart every time.  She hears your voice and you calling her Emaline....she loves that.  She wears your clothes a lot...says she feels you with her. She's a trip ma....I know you watch over her.  Please stay with her...she's SUCH an incredible girl, she takes my breath away.

I know you are so proud of DTM!  You were always on his team.  He's incredible isn't he? Wow.....who would have thought such a little bullyameister (I have NO idea how to spell that) would turn into such an amazing man....well you did I know.  And his little Mrs. to be?  I know you would have loved her!  I do....she's just so perfect for him.  I wish you could be here to watch them plan their wedding and enjoy their love.  I know you are watching over them both and DTM misses you too. He talks about you all the time and it really upsets him that you never got to meet the love of his life.

I know you would be heartbroken to see the situation with my oldest.  You wouldn't understand and it would torture you....I'm glad you're not here to see that.  I couldn't bear the pain in your eyes that I know would be there and the anger it would turn into at the unfairness of it all.  But!  I need you to be diligent and stay with him ALWAYS please!!!!  Guide him and love him and show him the way.  I know you two never saw eye to eye when you were alive but he needs you.

So many things I wish you were here for.  I think about how much you would love my Prince Charming.  I can see your face when he'd be telling a story.  He's pretty fantabulous, but then again you know that because you sent him back into my life.  Thank you again for that.....the greatest gift you've ever given me.  I still wish you could be here to see it in person.  The way he treats the kids...and me....how much they love him. How happy we are together.... You would be so happy to see that. He's calm and he just gets me...even when I'm an emotional lunatic.  He's such a gentleman and I know how you'd love that. Things would have been so different if he had been around sooner.  Please keep working your magic mama.  So many good things that I know you're behind.

I'll keep seeing you in the butterflies and the other little signs you send.  I'll keep hearing you and passing along your messages (even though no one believes me half the time) and I will always hold you close to my heart and continue to do my very best to make you proud.  I'll cry when I hear our song and I'll laugh when I imagine your antics.  God, I miss you mommy.  I hope you have a happy birthday in heaven with Aunt Helen and Grandma and Uncle Don and all of your brothers and nephews.  They are so lucky to have you back with them.  Give Mr. and Mrs. Doyle a huge hug from me too.  I know if there are slot machines in heaven you'll be hitting the jackpot!

Happy Birthday mommy.  I love you xoxoxo


Tinabellina


Friday, August 25, 2017

Oh Danny Boy....

I've written numerous posts about my cream filling son.  I am certain I will write numerous more.  I can't help it.  He inspires me.  He is an amazing human being.  He will give me credit for him becoming that human being....I will take none.  Even though, as of late, I see myself so clearly in him it scares me - the good and the bad.  However, the impact of who he is as a person and the way he will change the lives of everyone he meets is all him.  He inspires me to live up to his opinion and vision of me.  He thinks I'm incredible....so I need to strive to be that.  He deserves nothing less.

He got engaged last month.  It was just a heartwarming, magical moment.  His fiance?  She's just as incredible as he is.  I see them together and I think, wow!  How lucky are they that they found each other at the tender age of 16 and 17 and realized it then!  I see their future so clearly and it is going to be amazing!  God definitely works through them and it's so beautiful to watch and be a part of.  They are living with me right now so I get a front row seat and I get to spend a lot of time with my future daughter in law which is a gift in itself.  Before he started dating her I wrote a blog post which was a letter to his future wife.  Well....she's more than I could have hoped for.  I'm so grateful for her presence in our lives and for her being part of our family.  She sees my son the way I see my son.  And by her loving him the way she does she is allowing him to grow into the man he is becoming---the man he is meant to be.  What a blessing.

I tease her all the time because my son and I have a very unique relationship.  We joke and dis each other and if anyone who didn't know us heard the way we talk to each other they would be shocked and appalled.  When he is rude and obnoxious to me I look at her and say "Do you see that?  Tsk Tsk you know they say you can tell how a man will treat his wife by the way he treats his mother!  You should be writing this down!"  She laughs and says "I know!  I'm scared! I think I need a new notebook!"  Truth in that statement?  She's the luckiest woman alive.  If that is true, that you can tell what kind of husband he will be by the way he treats his mother?  She will be treasured and adored for the rest of her life.  The honest truth is that my son treats me like gold.  He never disrespects me.  He always wants to help me and make life easier. He appreciates me the way most children appreciate their parents once they are parents themselves. She's in for a wonderful life!  And she deserves it...she is an answered prayer in the way she loves my son!

Last week after working 8 hours 5 days a week and going to school 2 full days (with 5 hours of commute time...in traffic) he stopped to buy flowers for his fiance.  We were talking on the phone while he was doing this.  When I got home there was candy and cake on the table for his sister and me as well with notes from him.  I had asked him on the phone why he was doing this when he was clearly so tired and stressed and he said it made him happy to do nice things for her.  It made him feel good to make her happy.  It brought me back to a Christmas when he was recovering from cancer and he made my dad take him out shopping to buy presents.  He bought (with his own money) gifts for his siblings, his dad and me and his grandparents.  I was struck then at how happy he was to give those presents.  He was 11!

This week I was feeling overwhelmingly sad.  So many changes in life and yet somethings remain stubbornly unchanged and it is wearing me down.  I had a text conversation with him and I got to the bottom of what was bothering me and poof.  It's gone.  How does that happen?  How does the student become the teacher?  I'm not sure.....but what I am sure of is that I thank God every single day for blessing me with the honor of being his mother.  And I will treasure my relationship with him forever!  Love you stupid xoxoxoxo

Sunday, July 9, 2017

I've looked at clouds from both sides now.....

Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind.  I wake up every day intending for it to be a fabulous day.  This has always worked in the past for me.  I believe your state of mind has a lot to do with the outcome of things.  Last week I was ready to kick life's proverbial ass.  I was armed and ready to take back my happiness and make the best of every second.  I've done it before (most of my life if I think about it) and I was determined to do it again.  Saturday, done.....Sunday oh yea I was on top of the world....Monday still working it....Tuesday---exploded.  I mean bad.  Like the worst I've ever lost it in my life.  I went into a dark place that quite frankly scared me.  I guess it's been building up and the mask I've been wearing got tight.  Unfortunately, my house is small and my kids are always home so they witnessed it.  Not my proudest mom moment.  So, for all of you who always tell me you admire my relationship with my kids ----know I'm a trainwreck sometimes.  My creme filling son just watched and waited for me to calm down so he could hug me. He cleaned up the glass from a frame that fell off the wall when I slammed my door (trying to get privacy, which is nearly impossible).  My daughter went into the kitchen and started cleaning (guilt cleaning....realizing that I do it all by myself and that I'm pretty tired)....my son told me I should flip out more often so she does what she's supposed to lol.  I can't explain what came over me but it was ugly.  I'm crying as I type this remembering it---it felt like someone else's emotions and someone else's actions.  I regained composure relatively quickly but it still shook me to the core.  I cried out to my mom and begged for her to help me.  I am rarely angry anymore....the last 5 years rid me of that emotion.  I still get angry don't get me wrong but not like I used to.  Maybe that's why it shook me.  Maybe that's why my daughter was so upset, she's never seen that side of me.  I hope she never does again.  This year has given me more than I can handle.  And I don't see an end in sight, quite honestly.  It scares me.  I can't seem to climb out of the negative place that has become home to me.   But I will, I know.  It never stays bad forever.  If you look back over your life you'll see that.  But for now....it seems to be my new normal.  I'm sure there is a lesson to learn in all of this, but honestly I don't see it at the moment.


That  was written in April and never published.  It's funny because I went to write today about pretty much the same thing, minus the anger.  I'm broken still.  Life has continued to assault me with too much negativity.  I have cried more tears this year and in the last month than I think I have in my entire life.  Cleansing?  Maybe.  But I haven't felt the relief yet.  The other day I went to the gym....I was on the treadmill for six minutes and I was reading a book regarding an issue that is prevelant in my life right now...I lost my shit.  I mean totally lost it.  Bawling like a crazy person.  I had to leave the gym.  Luckily my sister was available and talked me off the ledge.....again!  Honestly, my brother and sister have been there for me around the clock this last month and I am so incredibly grateful for them.  I've had many people tell me how lucky I am that I have so many people that love me, and I am.  I'm a very very blessed woman in that department.  However, there are very few people that I can let in on what's going on in my life at this moment.  It makes it hard when I know people want to help.  But it's necessary.  I've lost so much in the last month.  I've lost my hope.  I've lost my ability to look at the bright side.  I've lost my heart...it's broken, quite possibly beyond repair.  And it keeps coming.  Yesterday I had to put my dog down.  I never imagined how heartbroken I'd be and how difficult it would be.  I think that was the last straw.  I think that was the final blow.  I am writing this because I need to get it out, but it's not cathartic like writing normally is for me.  I am feeling at the moment like nothing will ever be ok again.  I feel like I'm drowning and I keep swimming and yet I can't get air.

My younger son got engaged this past week.  I felt total and complete joy for the first time in months.  They are so so very happy and I feel utterly and completely guilty for all the tears I'm shedding during this joyous time in their lives.  I'm trying...really trying to just "get over it" but it's so much more than that.  I put on a happy face as best as I can and I try to focus on the good stuff but it's just not working this time.  I will keep trying.  I will keep relishing the moments when I feel like myself.  I'm praying that every day those moments will become longer.  I am looking forward to the day when I wake up feeling like me again, and I know it will happen.  I just have to admit this is the darkest time of my life.  In 52 years I have never felt like this for this long.  I know I'm blessed and I know it could be so much worse, but right now?  In this moment? I'm broken.   I have lost so much I can't seem to feel like I will recover.  BUT, I know there are lessons to learn.  I know that I've figured some out....and I pray that the light at the end of the tunnel is not an oncoming train.

Here's what I've learned:

I can't fix everything.  Your children become adults and they need to be responsible for their actions and their lives.  Letting go of that is a tough pill for me, but I'm learning.

The people that you thought would be there for you at your worst, just aren't.  Instead of beating yourself up for needing them you have to just let it go and realize it is what it is.

Sometimes bad things happen to good people over and over again.  It's not punishment and it isn't always your lesson to learn.

I have to get my strength from within.  Not from anything or anybody, because relying on someone else to give you strength is dangerous because that person can take it away at any time.

The sun will come out tomorrow and after the rain at some point there will be a rainbow.  Because after all.....it's just a day in the life.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

It's More than a feeling...

Happy Saturday!  Yup, it's going to be....you know why?  Because I'm choosing to make it so!  Enough of these crappy 2017 vibes already, I'm over it.  What appeared to begin as the best year of my life has gone horribly wrong.  I've fought upstream for the last 4 months trying to figure it all out.  The hows and the whys and the when is it going to get better....I've pasted a smile on my face and gone through the motions and tried to fake it until I make it.  I forgot how much I friggin HATE that.  I have done it most of my life and I promised myself I'd never go back.  Well, I slipped....I'm human.  But no more!  I've been allowing what I don't have to be the focus of my life the last 4 months instead of focusing on what I DO have.  Which is pretty incredible!  I have once again given my life over to God in action not just in word and it makes all the difference.  I will no longer fret about things that I don't have and things that are out of my control.  I've done my best to fix them and that's all a person can do.  It's time to focus on all the blessings in my life, and there are many!

First of all I woke up this morning, so that's a good start. I am healthy and so is my family.  I will never EVER take that for granted.  I have friends and family and former classmates that cannot say that.  Some of them live with debilitating illnesses and special needs children and sick spouses....I admire them.  And I'm gonna throw a pity party?  No way, not any more!  I have an amazing job, truly heaven sent, along with that job comes bosses who are like family to me--that alone is enough for me to be grateful every day.  I have friends all around the world who get me!  Truly get me.  I can reach out to any one of them at any time and they are there.  #blessed.   I have a family that loves me (most of the time 😏), my dad will be 87 in a few weeks and he is healthy and self sufficient, still working and traveling. My kids, well I've written enough about my kids so I don't need to go any further with that.  I have an extremely cordial relationship with my ex and had the easiest divorce on the planet.   I'm a lucky girl!  Spring has sprung and so has my positive attitude.

I realized that the first half of every year is usually a struggle for me.  I don't know much about numerology but I did have a reading recently about life cycles and some number for the year and what it means.  Apparently you have 52 days after your birthday each year to tie up the lose ends for the cycle the year before, who knew?  Well, that lands in March for me.  Makes sense why I usually start feeling better in April.  I also realized that I'm a problem solver.  I don't like having yuck feelings in my life, I don't like negative stuff.  So.  I do whatever it takes to get rid of it.  But what about the stuff that's out of my control?  I find that I hold onto that shit like a life preserver.  Only what it does is make me sink.  When I've done everything I can do and I still can't fix the problem I need to learn to let it go.  Sometimes it hurts more than anything else, because ....well just because.  But I've come to realize that hanging on to that focus of what I can't have just makes the rest of my life seem bleak.  That's not how I want to live. If it's meant to fix itself it will, it's out of my hands and I need to accept that and focus on the good.

I listen to Abraham Hicks a lot on and off.  I struggle with the concept of the Law of Attraction because I do believe in Destiny and Fate and Meant to Be occurrences in life and I go back and forth with how that works.  I also believe in Divine Timing and that conflicts with Abraham's teachings. What I have figured out though is it's all about the feeling.  If you find the things in life to feel good about you will have more good things come to you.  And when negative things come you just have to address them and then do your best to not focus on them.  You have to trust that better days are coming and they will.  We were discussing our annual Easter Egg hunt the other morning and my son said "Well, next year I probably won't be here, so...." and I said "So, we'll do it the week before or the week after" problem solved.  Now, could I focus on the fact that this year will be the end of an era?  The end of not having to share holidays with their significant other's families?  Could I get sad thinking about all the years when I dressed them up on Easter and stuffed 200 plastic eggs for the family egg hunt?  No.  I won't do that.  It's just a bend in the road, not the end.  Just a change in direction.  There are still plenty of memories to be made, and good times to celebrate.  Because after all......it's just a day in the life <3