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I sent this to all three of my adult children today. My oldest has been the only one to reply thus far. He made me cry and from the photo he sent me of himself moments later I think it made him cry
too. He told me he never expected perfection from me - but he knows I expected it from myself pre Lu (my youngest). He said he realized during those years that I would beat myself up for not being perfect. Wow. Who says kids don’t know anything? It is interesting that my change came after I moved out of NY to AZ and had my last child. That time definitely ushered a change in me and I think it’s interesting that he picked up on that at only 9 years old. It took me way longer to see that. And I never realized that I was trying to be perfect, but apparently other people did. I remember my in-laws accusing me of being the “perfect mother” when I knew damn well I was not. But I strived to be I suppose. Why wouldn’t I? I had these three perfect humans that were entrusted to me to raise. I didn’t want to screw it up - but I made tons of mistakes. Some they tell me about now that I don’t even remember. So, I have forgiven myself for being less than perfect. I did the best I could at the time and I loved them completely with every fiber of my being, more than I thought was humanly possible. I still do. And I struggle daily with the fact that I can’t fix anything in their lives anymore. As my daughter told me recently, Mom you have to stop trying to control things - we have to struggle on our own to grow. Well I didn’t sign up for that! She’s right I know. Now I limit my attempts to make things better to praying feverishly for them day and night. As my dad said to me more than once - give it to God, He’s up all night anyway. I remember my mother telling me she worried about me and prayed all night about my marriage and my choices and I remember thinking - Why? I am fine! HA! Sorry mom - I get it now. Oh boy do I get it.
My son asked me this morning what I wanted for this next (last) phase of my life. I told him - peace, love and joy. I used to say happiness - but I want joy again. I miss these conversations with him, they aren’t
always possible so when they are I embrace them. But I do cry a LOT. Over the weekend I was sitting outside and just being still and I realize how much peace I have living here. I have experienced so many firsts and I find myself wishing I had raised my kids here. But, I know God had other plans. Every day I just feel so grateful to live here. I tried my first walking taco this weekend, my first farmer’s market, so many firsts. And every person I meet gives me hope that God is putting the right people on my path. I pray that He is doing the same for my children-I know He is. I don’t even know where I was going with this blog…oh yes healing! I think I have been healing A LOT in dreams lately and life just continues to amaze me.
I have never dreamt a lot that I remember. But lately I’ve been dreaming a ton and they’re vivid and detailed and I remember them when I wake up. So, I have been going to my friendly CHATGPT to decipher them and wow. WOW! It also gives me journal prompts to figure out what things I am still working on. Well I’ll be darned if there is still a ton of stuff I need to work on. (Maybe I do strive for perfection in myself-whoops!). My latest dreams have brought up how people just continuously do not follow through where I am concerned. People make promises they don’t keep, offer things they do not intend to give and the best question was “What emotional responsibilities are you carrying that might not actually belong to me and what part of me wants to “Clean up” while others seem to be making a mess and really not caring. Those were just a few of the outcomes of those dream analyses. Well talk about feeling called out! I thought I had let go of all that! I have learned not to expect people to follow through, I have learned to expect to be disappointed therefore alleviating the disappointment. But I guess the carrying other people’s emotional baggage is still something I need to clear. Say no more - working on it.
Recently God has been telling me to send things to people that I feel could help them or applies to them. It is awkward, truth be told, to reach out to someone without knowing if my spiritual nudges are accurate. The other day I sent a message to a friend and was told that my timing was impeccable and that they were just thinking about how much they needed me that morning. Ok, well that went well. I have been sending messages in the mail to people I don’t speak to often and I have gotten a lot of messages back that it was exactly what they needed at that moment in time. Alrighty then, maybe I am onto something (who am I kidding, it’s all God and He does not make mistakes!). So…in this next stage of life, living in the most magical place maybe my goal will not be perfection. Maybe, just maybe I will strive to just be unapologetically me and embrace the love that comes my way. It’s time to open up my heart to new experiences and new connections and just be grateful for whatever life throws at me. Because I am truly grateful for this day in the life.
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