Just because I carry it well doesn't mean it isn't heavy

Two blogs in one week?  It's not possible!  However, the more things change the more they stay the same.  I feel like the weight of the world is crashing down on me this week and it's not a feeling I am used to anymore.  I have created a very peaceful, calm existence for myself and it has taken me years to cultivate.  There have been a lot of goodbyes, see ya later or never to get me to this point and I am okay with that.  There is peace in letting go of situations and relationships that just make you feel....well badly---or less than---or unimportant.  I always know when it's time to move on from a person or a situation.  When it is causing me more pain or sadness than anything else than it doesn't belong in my life anymore.  There are, however, certain things that I can't get away from no matter how hard I try.  I have gotten better at blocking out the affect these things have on me, however - just because I carry it well, doesn't mean it isn't heavy.  Just because I don't talk about it doesn't mean it doesn't affect me or sometimes consume me.

There are the mornings like this when I wake up to text messages that make my heart drop and my stomach twist in knots.  Texts that used to cripple me and have me in a panic for days....weeks even.  But I have responsibilities that can't just be ignored and I have to show up and be "on".  It's funny, my daughter mentioned yesterday the first trip that we took solo that began the years of us being "travel buddies".  She mentioned how it was so fun.  I laughed and said "If you only knew what was going on in my head and my nerves were on the outside of my body" (we were going to Florida to take care of  my mom and take her to her radiation appointments) I was leaving my 15 year old son and my 19 year old son home alone in Arizona -  Seems like not such a big deal right?  Well it was - they did not get along and my 19 year old was not reliable.)  Add that to the fact that I knew my mother was dying.  No one else wanted to believe me, but I knew it in my soul.  It made me realize that I am pretty good at hiding my inner turmoil apparently.  I smiled through the whole week and no one would ever have known how truly overwhelmed and anxious I was inside.  I became really good at that because 5 years before that my middle son (at 10 years old) had cancer.  That's when I really mastered the art of smiling on the outside and crumbling on the inside.  

It seems like a great thing to be able to cope with things while smiling and not bringing the rest of the world down, but is it?  I am not so sure.  But it was necessary, as I had 3 children to protect and also I despise pity.  NEVER tell me you feel sorry for me because I will lose my shit.  So----I learned to wear the mask and it became quite comfortable.  It became my persona.  Only a very few select people got to see the disfigured human underneath that mask.  She was not a pretty sight.  I don't like her if I am being honest, she's weak.  No thank you. I don't do weak or pity - yuck - so unattractive.  For me!  In others I can sympathize, empathize, commiserate - I don't expect anyone to be like me.  I am not so sure it's healthy, honestly.  This week is showing me that.  This morning I  let it all out in a phone call and I allowed myself to be raw and vulnerable.  I admitted I have no clue how to feel or what to do or how I am going to get through it.  But I will.  I always do.  But it is really comforting to have someone who just gets it!  Who says - I put myself in your shoes and I feel sick to my stomach!  Yes!  THANK YOU!  That's exactly it.  And also - I don't know what to tell you because I have no idea what I would do!  Yes!  THANK YOU again!  I don't expect anyone to fix what's going on - it's not fixable.  But coupled with the fact that this week has shown me that I am always having to cave to other people's ways of doing things with no regard to how it affects ME - is just too much!  

I feel betrayed by some, I feel neglected and dismissed by others, I feel used and taken for granted by others still.  But what will I do?  I will carry on, put a smile on my face and do what needs to be done one day at a time.  And I will find ways to drizzle joy into those days because life is too short!  2025 is halfway over already!  So I will love the people who love me back, find a way to move on from situations that seem to hurt me no matter what I do to avoid it and I will adjust the mask when it's necessary and take it off when I feel safe.  At this moment, it is truly just a day in the life-

Your mother warned you there'd be days like these

 

This week it came out that the death of Matthew Perry was negligence on the part of his doctors and his assistant.  Last year on that fateful day I began a month or so of obsessive reading, researching, rereading his book, relistening to his book and grieving someone I had never met.  When Friends was airing in the 90's I was obsessed with Matthew Perry.  He was most definitely my celebrity crush, and I could not get enough of his onscreen presence.  Friends was my comfort show.  Whenever I couldn't sleep, I would put Friends on in the background.  I haven't really watched an episode in almost a year.  I was just now starting to be able to watch an episode if it happened to come on after my TiVo show ended.  This week's news brought it all back again.  The visions of the ambulance leaving his home, his parents pulling into the driveway past the yellow police tape, his last haunting Instagram posts that made people wonder if Mattman was secretly begging for help.  It seems that perhaps he was.  It made me wonder again what exactly were the last days of his life like?  It breaks my heart that he suffered his whole life with this addiction and depression and the fact that medical professionals took advantage of that for profit turns my stomach. It got me thinking about his assistant, who administered that fatal dose of ketamine, and when is enough enough.

In a world of celebrity worship, the new era of influencers and the social media frenzy and cell phone obsessions when is enough enough?  Everywhere you turn people are suffering from anxiety, ADHD, depression and the list goes on.  When I was growing up (in the stone ages 😜) this was not a thing.  Did we suffer from them and just not know?  Most likely yes.  I remember a few boys in my elementary school who one thousand percent suffered from ADHD - and they were labeled as a problem or dumb.  Do I think that was fair?  No.  But I do feel like the labels of anxiety, depression and ADHD and the like are now thrown around like confetti.  When I was younger, we called it being nervous.  I was nervous about my upcoming exams, nervous about starting a new job - you get the idea.  Nowadays everyone has anxiety - somehow there has to be a difference.  Anyway, I digress.  This week also the whole drama with the "It ends with us" movie is all over social media.  Domestic Violence victims/survivors are speaking out and it makes me wonder.  How many people that we talk to daily are suffering from something that the world never sees?  Have masks become so easy to put on to cover people's pain that no one sees the real struggle people are living with?  I am someone who has always taken people at their word.  But I am also very intuitive and if I spend any amount of time with you, I will feel if something is off.  But if I ask you and you deny it - I will take you at your word.  But I strive to get people to face their inner demons.  I don't feel like people should suffer in silence - I want everyone to take a good hard look at themselves and be honest - at least with themselves - about whether or not they are really ok.  I wonder what would have happened if Matthew Perry had gotten the help he needed dealing with all of his inner turmoil rather than been given drugs to stop his drug addiction (make that make sense please!)  Mental illness is so complex and so misunderstood it baffles me.  Everyone, it seems, is dealing with depression.  And I know some people need the medication prescribed to them.  I am not against that at all, do not get me wrong.  However, I feel like sometimes medication is given and it is truly just a Band-Aid for an underlying issue that is masked.  Meditation, yoga, journaling and even prayer are all ways people can get in touch with the inner feelings/circumstances that are causing the anxiety and depression.  My son and daughter thankfully, are very in tune with the why.  Why am I feeling this way?  Why did that situation make me feel a certain way? And they then figure out the best way to heal that part of themselves that is triggered with a certain situation.  I am so grateful that they learned it from a very young age.  When I was growing up it didn't matter why I felt a certain way I was just taught to deal with it and most likely it was my fault (most everything was apparently).  I was never one to wear a mask and was always upfront with my feelings.  This made people very uncomfortable and often led to people using my weaknesses against me.  So - instead of putting on a mask I simply chose to be selective with whom I showed my true self to.  It brings me back to Matthew Perry and what actually went on that week before his passing.

Did he try to send out "bat signals" saying he needed help?  Were the people he trusted (his assistant, his doctors) basically just putting a band-aid on the underlying issues of why he used and was depressed?  When is it your job or your duty to dig deeper and refuse to offer the band-aid to someone? Personally, I am not a band-aid offeror.  I am blunt and straight forward and it has cost me relationships in the past.  I am the hold the mirror up kind of friend.  Not because I want to hurt people - but because I was once someone who needed that mirror held up to my face to fix/repair/heal those inner demons. Now, I often hold that mirror up to myself because Lord knows I am still a work in progress.  Did people get tired of holding a mirror to Matthew Perry's face?  Did they just turn away because it triggered their own issues?  The world will never know.  But I think in this day in the life we all need to say "I'll be there for you" - and mean it.  Because life is too short to be anything but kind and honest with ourselves and others.

When I see you smile, I can face the world, you know I can do anything....

 Trigger warning!  I'm an anti-masker, read at your own risk.

That's right.  I think the masks are a method to invoke fear and control over us.  I'm tired of being quiet.  This weekend was the end for me.

I have been going out without a mask for a few weeks now.  It started because it was truly emotionally affecting me when I would go out and see everyone thinking this was normal.  Everyone just complying, even though there really are no facts that this is helping. I was alone every time I went out without one, but this weekend I met a friend for brunch.  I was sitting outside the restaurant (maskless) waiting for my friend to arrive.  I found it pathetic that the other patrons waiting outside were wearing masks.  Even though in about 15 ft. they would be removing them to sit at a table....hmmm...ok.  My friend approached, maskless, we embraced and went inside to be seated.  I had used the app to put us on the line already, not sure why others didn't but ok.  My friend commented that I wasn't wearing a mask---nope.  She was so nervous to not be obeying the rules but she confessed that she told herself that if anything went down that I would handle it.  I laughed at that because I am not a confrontational person---at all.  However, I've had enough of this bs.  I told her that I had a mask in my purse and I would not cause a scene if asked to put it on (after all the workers would just be doing their jobs) however I wasn't going to do it without being asked to.  We sat down and proceeded to have an amazing 3 hour brunch.  I was so proud of her for getting up to use the restroom and not putting on her mask.  She felt empowered being with me and that is my goal.  My goal is to have other people who feel the same way as I do become brave enough to take back their face.
Today my daughter was with me.  We were going in to a store to get school supplies and she went to take her mask out of my purse.  I was like ummm no!  What are you doing?  She was almost in tears.  Mom, what's the big deal?  Please let me just wear it I don't want to make a scene.  I said I had no intention of making a scene.  If I was asked to put it on I would say ok and grab it out of my purse.  RELAX I told her.  We approached the entrance and she proceeded to point out the sign to me.  I said "What sign?  We are talking, I'm distracted -- I forgot."  with that my boss, like the angel he is, called me and I was talking to him as I entered.  We proceeded to get her supplies, pay and leave.  We got in the car and I said "see?  that wasn't so hard now was it?"   The next 3 places we went into she didn't flinch.  Have I done her a disservice by teaching her to just follow the rules?  It makes me wonder.
I talked to my niece over the weekend and she mentioned that she was concerned about handing her 7 month old over to her swimming instructor with a covered face and that the baby would think she wasn't supposed to be upset being handed to a stranger whose face she couldn't see.  WOW!  I had never even considered that!  The list just grows and grows.  This is NOT okay. 
My cousin has followed my lead and started the same thing.  It has to start somewhere people.  Is it ok with you that this is going to be the new normal?  That masks will be considered a fashion accessory?  Wow, people that are selling masks are hoping that it will become normal. 
I met with two inspectors and the HOA president the other day to give them access to one of our properties.  The inspectors had masks on, the president and I did not.  When they came out of the property I complimented the one inspector on his American Flag mask.  He said, "Yea, thanks--it's soaked"  Ok, so that is useful right?  NO!  And the people all over wearing them below their nose?  NO!  It's all garbage.  I actually had my cousin go CRAZY on my instagram post telling me to just wear the mask!  I'm smarter than that....I replied YES!  I AM smarter than that.  I'm smart enough to think for myself.  He continued to berate my choice in political candidate (assumed it) and where I live (Florida is crazy already we don't need people going around without masks).  I didn't engage.  I explained that I don't need to defend my beliefs to him or anyone else, and as someone who lives an alternative lifestyle I would expect the same respect from him-----
The fact that, according to what I'm seeing, this virus is so brilliant it knows not to attach itself to you when you are sitting at a restaurant eating, yet if you get up to use the restroom or leave---that's fair game.  Huh?  People can wear masks to riot, use public transportation, go to the grocery store and they're safe---however----don't go to a funeral, wedding, church or a family bbq or Heaven forbid VOTE in person---the virus targets those spots.  Cmon people!  Wake up!  If you don't see that this is just a form of control than I can't help you. 
I'm assuming if you're someone who believes in masks you haven't gotten this far---if you have let me tell you I'm not judging your choice to wear one, so don't judge mine for not.  If you don't believe in them and are following the rules because you don't want to make waves, I encourage you to attempt going maskless and see what happens.  If enough of us take back our choices maybe it will become the majority.  And not wearing a mask will become just another day in the life.  God Bless.....