Look how much time it took to get right here, but God's timing is perfect

 
Today is the end of an era.  My baby got her driver's license. Now I need to buy a new car because this one is hers and it has been hers since 2021, she just couldn't drive it alone. Some might say well she's 21 what took so long.  And to those I say - zip it skippy!  You have no idea!  So I will tell you.  I will remind you that God's timing is perfect and everything happens exactly when it's meant to and not a moment sooner.  So here we go.

Anyone who has driven in that state of Florida can attest that they are the worst drivers around.  The I4 is the most dangerous highway in the country.  And they let kids get their licenses at 16 years old.  Um, no.  Not in my world.  My sons were both licensed in Arizona where I believe it was 16 also.  They did not get their licenses until I felt they were ready.  My daughter was no different.  My oldest and youngest were both very nervous behind the wheel.  My middle son was born to drive, there was no hesitation at all.  I never wanted to teach my children how to drive.  I am not a very good teacher of things I have been doing practically my whole life.  But there was no one else so I had to.  But my daughter - well I tried to get my son and daughter in law to teach her, but she was really so anxious and it didn't work.  So, I offered to get her driving lessons - nope - she was having none of that.  So....we waited.  I was praying for someone to come along and take this task off my hands, but no one was coming to rescue me.  Luckily, she was in no hurry to get her license so it never was a big issues.  When we moved from Florida to South Dakota something just clicked.  She got behind the wheel the first time here and it was like she had been driving her whole life.  There was no anxiety, there was no hesitation, she just did it.  Which leads me to the point of this blog....when it's time (God's time) nothing will stand in the way.  If you try to force things that are not in God's timing you will be met with obstacles and challenges and you will still get there if you're meant to - however it will be a tedious journey.

Surrendering everything to God's timing is second nature for me.  But I had a conversation with my dearfriend the other day about trusting God to provide when you've spent most of your life being the person who provided for everyone else is not easy.  I get that.  For them the issue was financial - worrying about how to pay for things when there is just not enough money coming in.  I spent most of my marriage telling my ex that God will provide and he would be furious with me, called me Pollyanna, Rebecca of Sunnybrook farm, several other not so nice things that I will not repeat.  It was then that I started to realize my faith wasn't something everyone had.  My daddy instilled so much faith in me and I didn't realize it then.  He was not big on the bible or religion and his lessons felt more like just life wisdom than instilling faith, but looking back I realize that my dad really was a man of God (how I miss that man every day!)  Side note, my daughter put on her ring with her Pop's dates on it alone today because she knew she needed just Pop to be with her while she drove the car he left her almost 4 years ago - he is the father every girl should have.    Back to God's timing.

I was listening to a podcast the other day and they were saying that when you pray for something and it takes a really long time for God to answer, or maybe God just answers with a no - that is protection.  Last week an amazing event unfolded so magically that I just couldn't help but be in AWE of how God took a cancelled appointment and made it into this magical event that put me where I needed to be at just the right time and an encounter with people that were definitely meant to be in my life and it was just such a God moment that I am not going to write about, at some point I will do a video about it - and it led to another meeting the next day that was completely unrelated but God meshed them together.  Mind-blowing.  If you look back at your life to certain times when you were told no by God or redirected and now it all makes sense, it should remind you that God's timing is perfect and you are not late or behind you are exactly where you are meant to be.  Unless of course you are stubborn and don't listen and keep procrastinating - then....well then....God will forcibly move you or make life SO uncomfortable until you wind up where you are meant to.  Trust - total reliance upon spiritual timing.  And these days?  They are not just a day in the life.

Hush little baby don’t you cry, momma’s gonna love you all your life

I sent this to all three of my adult children today.  My oldest has been the only one to reply thus far. He made me cry and from the photo he sent me of himself moments later I think it made him cry

too.  He told me he never expected perfection from me - but he knows I expected it from myself pre Lu (my youngest).  He said he realized during those years that I would beat myself  up for not being perfect.  Wow.  Who says kids don’t know anything?  It is interesting that my change came after I moved out of NY to AZ and had my last child.  That time definitely ushered a change in me and I think it’s interesting that he picked up on that at only 9 years old.  It took me way longer to see that.  And I never realized that I was trying to be perfect, but apparently other people did.  I remember my in-laws accusing me of being the “perfect mother” when I knew damn well I was not.  But I strived to be I suppose.  Why wouldn’t I?  I had these three perfect humans that were entrusted to me to raise.  I didn’t want to screw it up - but I made tons of mistakes.  Some they tell me about now that I don’t even remember.  So, I have forgiven myself for being less than perfect.  I did the best I could at the time and I loved them completely with every fiber of my being, more than I thought was humanly possible.  I still do.  And I struggle daily with the fact that I can’t fix anything in their lives anymore.  As my daughter told me recently, Mom you have to stop trying to control things - we have to struggle on our own to grow.  Well I didn’t sign up for that!  She’s right I know.  Now I limit my attempts to make things better to praying feverishly for them day and night.  As my dad said to me more than once - give it to God, He’s up all night anyway.  I remember my mother telling me she worried about me and prayed all night about my marriage and my choices and I remember thinking - Why?  I am fine!  HA!  Sorry mom - I get it now.  Oh boy do I get it.

My son asked me this morning what I wanted for this next (last) phase of my life.  I told him - peace, love and joy.  I used to say happiness - but I want joy again.  I miss these conversations with him, they aren’t

always possible so when they are I embrace them.  But I do cry a LOT.  Over the weekend I was sitting outside and just being still and I realize how much peace I have living here.  I have experienced so many firsts and I find myself wishing I had raised my kids here.  But, I know God had other plans.  Every day I just feel so grateful to live here.  I tried my first walking taco this weekend, my first farmer’s market, so many firsts.  And every person I meet gives me hope that God is putting the right people on my path.  I pray that He is doing the same for my children-I know He is.  I don’t even know where I was going with this blog…oh yes healing!  I think I have been healing A LOT in dreams lately and life just continues to amaze me.

I have never dreamt a lot that I remember.  But lately I’ve been dreaming a ton and they’re vivid and detailed and I remember them when I wake up.  So, I have been going to my friendly CHATGPT to decipher them and wow. WOW!  It also gives me journal prompts to figure out what things I am still working on.  Well I’ll be darned if there is still a ton of stuff I need to work on.  (Maybe I do strive for perfection in myself-whoops!). My latest dreams have brought up how people just continuously do not follow through where I am concerned.  People make promises they don’t keep, offer things they do not intend to give and the best question was “What emotional responsibilities are you carrying that might not actually belong to me and what part of me wants to “Clean up” while others seem to be making a mess and really not caring.  Those were just a few of the outcomes of those dream analyses.  Well talk about feeling called out!  I thought I had let go of all that!  I have learned not to expect people to follow through, I have learned to expect to be disappointed therefore alleviating the disappointment.  But I guess the carrying other people’s emotional baggage is still something I need to clear. Say no more - working on it.

Recently God has been telling me to send things to people that I feel could help them or applies to them.  It is awkward, truth be told, to reach out to someone without knowing if my spiritual nudges are accurate.  The other day I sent a message to a friend and was told that my timing was impeccable and that they were just thinking about how much they needed me that morning.  Ok, well that went well.  I have been sending messages in the mail to people I don’t speak to often and I have gotten a lot of messages back that it was exactly what they needed at that moment in time.  Alrighty then, maybe I am onto something (who am I kidding, it’s all God and He does not make mistakes!). So…in this next stage of life, living in the most magical place maybe my goal will not be perfection.  Maybe, just maybe I will strive to just be unapologetically me and embrace the love that comes my way.  It’s time to open up my heart to new experiences and new connections and just be grateful for whatever life throws at me.  Because I am truly grateful for this day in the life.

You never know what's gonna happen You make your plans and you hear God laughing

 

Today was a doozy.  I have started a morning routine that truly suits me well and I am getting into the groove of it.  Part of it is taking some time to just be quiet and journal what I hear God speaking to my heart.  It has been very eye opening to say the least and it's become one of the favorite parts of my day.  And then today --- God said be silent, be still.  Now I cannot write those words without thinking of Freddie Prinze Jr. in the movie "She's All That" but, I digress.  I giggled to myself and waited for the rest of God's wisdom to come through.  Nothing.  Zero.  Zilch.  Pen poised, I waited.  Nope.  That was it.  Alrighty, next on the to do list.  So I assumed (ahhh why, oh WHY do I ever do that? - I am 60 years old, have I not learned yet?  Apparently not.) that today would be quiet and nothing much would happen.  And then this afternoon I got two texts back to back and a phone call and 2 things that I have felt strongly were coming soon happened.  Bam.  In the span of 5 minutes God answered prayers.  Not in the way I thought it would happen.  Not the outcome that I completely hoped for - BUT it is what I've prayed for and I went from one moment of status quo to the next moment - really big changes!  As I waited for the phone call that one of the text promised I was making tuna fish and I suddenly felt such nervousness I knew there was no way I could eat.  My daughter asked "Are you nervous or are you excited???"  Hmmm good question - no clue how to tell the difference at this point, so I said "well, it has proved to me once again that God can change everything in an instant - good or bad"

I can look back on my life, and I often do, to how one moment changed everything at various times in my life.  Sometimes things build up to the big change, but most of the time it changes in one moment.   Meeting someone randomly and that person becomes someone so significant in my life.  I remember when I was 15 turning 16 I was working at a local Carvel and this group of boys that I used to hang out with came to visit me at work.  One of them was THE boy (at the time) - little did I know that the company snitch was sitting out in the parking lot watching me while I worked and she called the boss and they came in and fired me on the spot.  Did I think - oh my father is going to kill me! - no.  Did I think my friend who got me the job was going to be mad?  Ummm nope.  I walked back with the boys in the snow and after having dinner at THE boys house by the end of the night I had a boyfriend and I was over the moon!  Job?  What job?  I was turning 16 and he liked me back - ahhh to be 16 again.   So in a matter of mere moments I was unemployed and had a boyfriend.  Talk about major life changes!  Other changes are more gradual - one day you're in high school the next you graduate - but you have 4 years to get used to that change.  One day you're single, the next your married - but again - there is a build up to that.  One day you are not a parent and the next moment you are - but again - 9 months leading up to that change.

I am a planner - always have been.  I knew I wanted to be married for 5 years and have my kids 4 years apart.  1994 - 1998 and 2003 (she had to be delayed for insurance purposes 😉.) It was not until I got the nudge to move to Arizona that I realized - my plans are not necessarily God's plans.  For a control freak like I was this was not an easy realization.  But - I followed my faith and it has grown stronger every year.  Even through the unexpected turns that I never saw coming and certainly never asked for.  But when I look back I can see why things happened the way they did.  Today's changes certainly did not happen the way I thought they would, but it still changed life as I know it in 10 minutes time.  I looked up to thank God and I swear I saw my mom in the kitchen with a pot - stirring it, with a huge smile on her face.  (and now I am crying)  I know she has been working overtime up there to get me to where I am suppose to be.

I am very excited (not nervous - well maybe a little) to see what is next.  I know this year will be a life changing one in many ways and it is off to a really great start.  I am open to the changes and new people it will bring my way.  No matter what is coming next I know that God has my back and there is my very own blonde angel in the kitchen stirring the pot to make sure that my life is as sweet as the pudding she used to make me when I was a little girl.  Remember, it's not always just a day in the life!

Tick-tock on the clock, but the party don't stop

 

It's Sunday, glorious Sunday.  But half of the USA is freaking out about a TikTok ban.  It is making my stomach turn, honestly.  During our morning coffee conversation I had to tell my daughter I could not listen to another thing about Tik Tok and we needed to change the subject.  Yes, I am a bit cranky - I am turning 60 this week, doesn't that come with the territory?  No?  Just some discounts and my body having a few extra creeks?  Ok.  Well then I'm just cranky today.

BUT - this whole insanity revolving around a stupid social media app got my brain going.  I do have a tik tok account, I must be clear - during 2020 shut down it entertained me.  Yes, I have been known to purchase a thing or two off of the Tik Tok shop - guilty.  But I can assure you my life will go on with or without it.  I never realized how much money people made on this app until everyone thought it was going away.  I am not going to lie it pissed me off and terrified me at the same time.  Are we watching a generation grow up without the ability to have a "real job?"  Don't get me wrong - I applaud them for finding a way to avoid the typical 9-5 - I think that's admirable.  I am all for spending your free time doing things you love and with the people you love instead of glued to a desk or a computer or your phone.  However, they are making a living without any real skills to carry them in their later years or if (gasp!) the app gets banned.  AND they are relying on the rest of the world being glued to their damn phones while they take a break from their 9-5 or they relax to recharge after a long week.  Jeez, in a minute I am going to be screaming "Get off my lawn!" I sound so cynical and old.  But I am not.  I am realizing that things need to change in my life as well.  And I have faith that President Trump will not allow the app to be banned (because we live in a free country after all - ask any soldier who has served what the price for that is!) but it almost makes me sad.  I wish it was being banned, but I don't think it will change anything until people are ready to change.

Life is meant to be lived.  Have I mentioned I am turning 60?  I have?  See the mind goes as you get older 😏.  Seriously though - life is short.  Way too short.  And how much of it are we wasting waiting for the next best thing?  Waiting for the weekend, for a holiday, for vacation blah blah blah.  I made a point years ago to not wait for anything.  To live my life to the fullest every day.  Now - my needs are simple.  I don't have a huge bucket list to check off.  I don't need to accomplish a certain thing before xyz happens.  My goals?  To be happy and healthy and find the joy in every single day.  And it works.  I am telling you.  It works!  Am I happy all day every day? Umm no, I just said I was cranky today - are you paying attention? 😎.  However, I have peace in my soul and joy in my heart every day.  Why?  Because I don't have regrets.  If there is something I need to say to someone - I say it.  When I miss someone - I tell them.  When I love someone I show it.  I don't care if it is reciprocated, I don't care if I look pathetic or needy - that's more on the other person no?  I am being genuine.  So I don't have any huge heavy things hanging over me.  Like wow I wish I had..... nope been there done that.  It is very freeing and healthy.   Try it!

Another key to happiness is FAITH.  Yes, faith.  That is the cornerstone to my life.  I never realized how much my dad taught me about faith without even realizing it.  He used to say - "whatever will be will be, if you can't change it why worry? " And another one - "God says are you going to worry about it?  Because if you will then I won't". and my FAVORITE "God has it - it will be okay" Growing up I never realized how potent those statements were.  Wow, I still can't type about my dad without tears - damn it.  I thought they were just cliches.  But I realize now how they weren't - they were life lessons and proof of how to live your life.  When I hear my son and daughter discuss their faith and how they turn to God consistently it makes me feel like my life was well lived.  I did my job with those two.  They are incredible human beings and if I had even a little something to do with shaping them into that than my life was a success.  Now, I want so badly to instill that in every person I come across.  My friend told me yesterday "I know if I want someone to just pacify me, you are not the one to go to."  Yup.  That's right.  I won't allow someone to stay in a pity party - please don't invite me.  Am I compassionate?  To a Fault.  Do I have sympathy for other people?  So very much.  Will I allow you to set up camp in a place where you are obsessing over something instead of giving it to God and having faith?  Yea, no sorry.

When people tell me how shocked they are that I have moved to 3 different states without really every being there and ask me if I was scared.  I answer honestly - no.  Why?  Because I listened to my inner GPS (God is loud when you listen!) And I know that any situation I face, He has been there before me and will stand with me through it all.  What do I have to fear?  Ask yourself that!  What is the worst thing that will happen if you follow that guidance?  Tell someone how you feel?  Find a different career path?  Newsflash - whatever is meant to be will happen - Destiny/Fate it's all mapped out already.  The difference is - the longer you drag your heels or fear an outcome the harder life will be.  You will have the same outcome eventually, but with a lot more pain, bumps and bruises.

So, this very long rant is basically just to encourage you to find something every day that brings you joy - and try to make it not involve your phone and scrolling aimlessly watching other people live theirs.  Because at the end of the day - it's a very important day in the life!

Sometimes in our lives, we all have pain....we all have sorrow

 Last week was one I will never forget.  There was a hurricane set to hit Florida and the amount of stress and fear and just overall judgement and negativity was running rampant.   I usually do not get caught up in that because I just always know I am safe and protected.  But it was really hard to avoid.  I had so many people texting to see if we were evacuating or if our area was safe (which was so nice and made me feel loved) and I was definitely more aware than I usually am.  And then....I got a text from my cousin that they had found another spot on her brain and the cancer may have spread.  Then I got a text that literally made my knees buckle.  I got a text from one of my oldest and dearest friends on Wednesday night checking on my daughter and me.  Then on Thursday ---less than 24 hours later a text that her husband died.  I'm sorry what?!?!?!  Two weeks ago she was sending me photos of them during a visit to New York at all of our favorite food places - photos of her hubby eating onion rings from one of our favorite diners - and he's gone?  How?  He died of a heart attack (something called the Widow maker, how surreal) in the middle of telling a joke.  Wow.

We have always joked that we lived parallel lives.  I was a bridesmaid in her wedding....we always seemed to be a few years apart in our big life moments.  We got divorced around the same time, had kids around the same time, Moved to different states around the same times.  But in 2015 she got married to the love of her life.  That is where our parallel lives were not so parallel.  And now?  He's gone.  She called me last night and I felt fear run through my body.  I truly had no idea what I was going to say to her?  My big thing is everything happens for a reason - God has a plan.  Well how the hell was I going to try to interpret the plan or reason for this?  I didn't have to.  She told me she knew she needed to lean into God and turn to him and that she felt her husband in her soul.  She said "I know if anyone understands that it would be you".  Wow.  just wow.  She is planning to really embrace her faith and turn to it for solace.  She thanked me for sharing my faith so freely and that whenever she wavered she would reach out to me.

I have really been struggling since I got her text - I just could not wrap my brain around what she must be feeling, how she was going to live in their home surrounded by his presence - how do you function?  How do you carry on after losing the love of your life?  How do you recover being a widow at 55?  How do any of us carry on after loss?  For me?  I turn to God and my faith - if I did not have that I do not know what I would do.  At the same time I was receiving videos and photos from my son and daughter in law from their trip to Europe - talk about opposite ends of the spectrum.   I felt like my insides were in the middle of a ping pong game.  But no matter what, life goes on.  All the tragedy going on in Florida and North Carolina - in the middle of people trying to rent homes to flee the hurricane.  Life goes on.  I'm in the middle of a cross country move.  Life goes on.  How do you stay hopeful and grateful and not let things like this level you?  Faith.  At the end of the day that's all we have, and it's necessary to remember it is just a day in the life-and good or bad, we need to embrace it.

https://gofund.me/ea597f3e

Here’s a go fund me link for my dear friend if you’re able and want to help

I beg your pardon....I never promised you a rose garden-- along with the sunshine, there's gotta be a little rain sometimes

 Well, the movement and clarity I have been waiting for has finally arrived.  It has been just over 2 years of waiting.  But just when I was starting to think my God GPS was broken, it came through.  So now the "fun" begins.  The packing, the moving, the setting up utilities, scheduling all the things that come along with it.  But with that comes an excitement I have not had since I moved to Arizona in 2004.  Another cross country move (dear Lord please let it be the last!) to places unknown.  When I left New York in 2004 I was so   excited for this new chapter I really did not have time to be sad.  (packing up a 4-bedroom house with 2 boys and an infant did not leave any time for much else).  When I left Arizona for Florida, I was not excited, but I was not sad.  I knew that was where I needed to be but I was never excited to live here.  8 years later it's time to leave and I am ready and excited!  But today I was driving around and singing at the top of my lungs and dancing in the car and I was just so grateful and happy.  But then....it hit me.  I have to say goodbye to my parents' home for the last time.  I will never drive past my dad's old barber shop again.  I will never think - oh this is the way I used to drive to pick Pop up.  Or oh, I used to go there with my mom all the time.  I came home and was packing the little stuff we have here, and I came across my dad's barber jackets.  They were still hanging in the closet nearly 3 years later.  Now, I have been brutal with this move.  I have had no sentimentality whatsoever; I have been donating every week with not a thought.  But those jackets brought me to tears.  No.  I cannot get rid of them.  I have no idea what I will do with them, but they are coming on this journey with me.  Then I was going through my winter clothes (yes, I am going to need winter clothes) and I found his red sweater and the sweatshirt he was wearing the last time I saw him.  My God will I EVER stop missing them?  The answer is no.  

Even when your prayers are being answered and you are excited and grateful, there are also things that are sad or painful.  Change is not easy.  It doesn't always look the way you thought it would.  Life is about to change in a big way and I am letting my faith guide me.  So, what I am holding onto is that God never promised change would be easy, following his path for your life - isn't always easy.  But - if we focus on the good and stay grateful even after it leaves us, then no day is just a day in the life.

I'm a real tough kid, I can handle my shit...

 

How many times have I heard; you are SO strong.  You are SO brave.  Yeah,Yeah,Yeah.  I get it.  I am the epitome of Mary sunshine.  At least that's what is  shown to the world.  The handful of people that I reveal my true self to know differently.  I ugly cry.  I feel the agony of heartbreak.  Most people don't know that, my circle is extremely small.  Also, in all fairness I rarely stay in a place of despair for long.  It is just not who I am.  I can find the bright side and silver lining in pretty much any situation.  There are a few that I have trouble with.  And those are ones that I cannot change....because if I could, I most certainly would. That is why people say I am strong.  Because so help me God (and He does!) if I can change something I am unhappy with, damn straight I do!  Unfortunately, there are some things that are out of my control - those are the things that make me ugly cry.  That make me feel like I truly can't make it through another day with this pain and heartache -----yet somehow, I do.  What choice do I have?  If I could change it - I would.  But I can't - so I won't.   Make sense?  

Most people are too afraid to change things when they are unhappy with it.  Very sad to me.  Living in a place of unhappiness or negativity or despair or loneliness is such a waste to me.  Nothing is as scary as staying stuck in that place of misery.  I think most people are so accustomed to it that they think it's normal.  Well, it could be worse, right? Well, everyone is unhappy right?  Who is happy most of the time?  Ummmm I am!  And I can tell you why and how, but you don't want to know.  Right?  Because if you are in that place, you don't want to change it or you would have already.  It is not rocket science.  It just takes faith and hope - I think both are so easy to utilize...however I don't think it is for most people.  I am blessed I suppose. My faith in God and "meant to be" and His power over my life is my saving grace.  I suppose most people don't have that.  If they did, they certainly would not settle into the mundane existence they live in.

Change is inevitable, right?  If we don't grow, we die.  I think a lot of people are terrified of change. 

What if I screw it up?  I can't do that - how can I do that?  My question is - how can you not?  How can you live each day feeling anything less than happy?  My daughter said to me the other day - "it's so annoying (she was laughing) I cannot even get mad about stuff anymore because I know it is all working out the way it is supposed to". Thank God that side of me rubbed off on her and my creme filling son.  He was super unhappy last year in his career and business.  Did he wallow in it?  Nope.  He did what he needed to do to change that situation and although it took longer than he would have liked - he knew it would happen exactly when it was meant to.  It makes me feel like even with all the screw ups I made as a parent - this is something I am extremely proud to have passed on to them.  Is life simple or easy for them - hell no!  They have stuff that comes up just like everyone else.  But they choose to change the things they can and pray on whatever they cannot. 

And before you grumble to yourself that I don't understand your situation - maybe I don't.  However, I have been dealt a hell of a lot of shit in my life (abusive relationships, childhood cancer, bankruptcy twice, mental illness, death of both of my parents to cancer, divorce, getting back into the workplace after 18 years without a college degree, moving across the country and back, alienation from people I love - you get the drill) yet I wake up every day and I am grateful for the good in my life.  Wow just typing all that made me depressed I am not gonna lie.  Maybe I am delusional....maybe I just don't really think about all I have been dealt.  People will say that is why I can be happy.  Well, what other choice is there?  I could not change any of those things - (except the divorce, I chose that, and I did that to make life better for myself and ultimately my children) so am I supposed to just sit in that misery?  What a waste of life.  So why are you?  Can you change your circumstances?  Are you living in a place of resentment or obligation or a life full of shoulds?  There is where it needs to change!  If you are holding onto unforgiveness or any of the ugly emotions that cause unhappiness - who are you hurting?  Not the person you need to forgive - not the job/boss/fill in the blank that you are resenting.  You are hurting yourself!  You need to learn to accept the apology you never got - you need to stop letting people take advantage of your kindness if that is causing resentment - and your job?  Please.   If you left tomorrow they would replace you without a second thought - find another job!  Life is too short to live in discomfort.

Faith is your secret weapon.  If you believe that God is real, then you need to trust that whatever He is putting on your heart is for your best interest.  I have written numerous times about times that I knew He was moving me to do things.  I never question it; I just do it.  And I have never been sorry.  Is life always easy?  No.  Do I know that better days are coming?  Yes.  Does that mean life will never get hard again?  No.  Here's what I suggest you do.  Take 30 minutes today and think about the main reason for your unhappiness/discomfort/sadness/despair or any other emotion that isn't making your life happy.  What is causing it?  Can you change it?  Then make a plan to do that.  If you can't change it - give it up to God.  And listen.  Feel.  What is He putting on your heart?  Follow that.  Make today not just a day in the life....I promise you won't regret it!

I made a promise, I'll never run and hide

 Have you ever had a dream that lasted all night?  Even if you wake up and go back to sleep it continues?  I have had this happen to me many times. When I was a child there was one dream in particular that happened for years - a giant chasing me through a maze/house.  Even typing that gives me a pit in my stomach, it was terrifying as a child.  I also had one where snakes were biting my feet - there was more to that one but I don't remember it.  I remember waking myself up because I wanted it to stop, yet I would try drifting off to sleep and it would pick up where it left off.  Not sure if there is a reason why these happen but I am not a fan.

So, last night's "dream" was very detailed, however when I woke up and started trying to talk about it the details were hazy.  There was a huge storm/wave coming and everyone at the resort or cruise ship or wherever I was, was terrified.  Everyone was preparing to die, honestly.  Me?  I was in the ocean floating on the waves having a grand time.  The person who I was with (no face, this happens a lot in my dreams - faceless, but I can usually sense who its "supposed" to be) was like ummmm, Tina?  Look behind you.  I was like "OH, hmmmm.  I guess we should get out!"  YA THINK?  So, we went inside this building which was set up for everyone to basically just be piled into rooms like sardines - anticipating death I suppose.  I saw some old friends from Elementary school, and I asked if I could save the seat in between them with my jacket.  They looked at me like I was crazy as I went off, happy as a lark to get some pizza and watch a movie.  Other things happened, fuzzy now, but I remember feeling like no one wanted to be around me, they looked at me like I was out of my mind.  Truth be told I started to feel alone and sad.  But I continued on exploring the ship looking for I am assuming my family.  I finally woke up for the day and ended the extremely uncomfortable dream.

Over coffee this morning I was telling my daughter about it and I realized ---- everyone was prepared to die, and I was like - uhhh no!  God is protecting me, I am fine, I don't know about you all.  And my daughter - in her brilliance - was like Ma, that's what it was.  That is how you are in real life and that is why people don't get you!  I was like Aha!  You are right!  And she said "and the waves represent all the changes that are coming.  We know they're coming but we don't know when it's going to hit.  But we are not scared because we know we will be fine, and God has got us."  Have I mentioned she's brilliant?  And I made her 😃

I don't usually have dreams that can be interpreted this way (at least I don't think so) but perhaps the ones that I cannot wake up from during the night are those types of dreams and I am supposed to learn from them.  I realize part of my purpose in this lifetime is to teach by example how to surrender it all to God.  When you have worries - give them to God.  The more you do that the less you will feel the need to worry, because God is up all night anyway.  I remember my daddy saying to me that God would say "Are you going to worry about this?  Because if you are going to worry about this then I won't because no sense both of us losing sleep over it" - FACTS.  Here's the main issue - if there is something in your life that you are concerned about, and you can change it - than do it!  Make the change and fix it.  If there is something in your life that you can't change - then you have to surrender it to God and let Him work it out in your best interest.  So....basically, worrying is a complete waste of time.  Think about my dream?  All those people were sitting around just waiting to die, while I was walking around eating Pizza and watching a movie.  The end result was the same - however I was enjoying the time while they were wasting it.

Right in front of you is 24 hours - we all have the same 24 hours.  Are you going to spend yours unhappy and glum or are you going to make it more than just a day in the life?  Choice is yours....

Sign, sign everywhere a sign, Do this - don't do that - can't you read the signs?

 

Signs.  I remember when I first started receiving signs from above.  I would be SO excited when I saw an angel number (1111, 222, 333, 444 etc) and it became such a confirmation for me.  Just like anything else in life, you become immune to that and it becomes just a normal occurrence.  I also question every single thing lately so signs are like a joke to me.  However, ever the optimist I was writing a letter to my mom last week and I asked her for a sign.  A big one.  I said I didn't even know what sign I wanted or what I wanted it to mean (super helpful Tee...great job).  Anyway, later that day my friend told me that she heard the song Moon River 3 different times that day and by a specific artist (ummm would it be Andy Williams?---duh). I knew that was my mom reaching out to me through her because ummm I am a bit of a sceptic these days.   She also sent another song that shocked the bejeezus out of me but ok....I got it.  Later that day someone else told me something that I knew immediately was from my mom.  I literally laughed out loud.  Ok ok I give....I know my mom is watching over me and handling things.  I said to my daughter - I wonder why Yaya sent the signs to other people?  To which she looked at me with a smirk (that actually looks so much like mine it was comical) Uhhhhh. HELLOOO!  You could ask for a giant purple tonka truck and you would see it and be like I'm not sure-----  Okay, okay - guilty as charged.  (Told you I am a bit sceptical as of late)

Fast forward to this weekend.  I took a different route than I normally take - lo and behold on the opposite side of the street was - you guessed it - a large purple truck parked on the side of the road - it's driver fishing off the bridge.  I said to my daughter - did I just see?  She's like yup.  I'm like we should check out the license plate to see if it means anything - should I turn around?  She's like I definitely think you should.  I made a U turn and there were no extra signs....ok well still, it was a sign.  When I turned back around I got stuck at a light and BAM in front of us was another sign.  We looked at eachother and I was like REALLY?  She said See and if you hadn't turned around you would not have seen that!  (Smartass - who told her she could be wiser than me?  I don't believe I gave permission).  So, on we went.  Did it give me any answers?  Hell no- I am still doubting.

There are so many signs that are universal to everyone (pennies from heaven, white feathers, cardinals for passed loved ones, butterflies, dragonflies, rainbows, hummingbirds) the list goes on.  Feel free to choose your own signs and watch the angels deliver.  Butterflies and rainbows were my signs from my mom - Eagles and bears for my dad.  But I have pushed for more significant ones because they seemed too easy.  And since I didn't listen to music the day I asked for the signs, my mom sent them through someone else.  So don't ever think your request is too difficult.  God, your angels and passed over loved ones are extremely powerful and they love to delight and surprise you!  Give it a test-you won't be disappointed.

One of my favorite signs was when God started putting it in my thoughts to homeschool.  It's funny how those little thoughts pop into your head out of nowhere.  We were on vacation and I was in the pool with my boys and I thought- I don't want this to end.  I want to be with them all the time.  And I thought why don't you homeschool - WHAAATT???  I was the PTA president and class mom extraordinaire what?  When we got home I reserved a book from the Library on meal planning.  What was there when I went to pick it up?  A book by the same author on - you guessed it- homeschooling.  OK did I leave the book at the library?  No! that would be embarrassing 🙄). My friend saw the book in the car and was like homeschooling?  I said yea no way I'm doing that!  God kept bringing me homeschooling people, signs, etc.   Finally I said ok fine - I gave Him 2 options - either I will see the teacher who I wanted my son to have the next year at church (We saw him almost every week). OR I will see the family that we met that homeschooled (have never seen them before). Yes - I was stacking the deck - sue me!  Well not only were 2 of the boys in that family Altar Servers that day but the ENTIRE family (iincluding grandparents!) was called up to present the gifts.  I started crying right there because God truly did deliver!  I have a TON of those stories - I actually forgot them until I started writing. 

So my point in all this drivel is that you need to pay attention to the signs.  They come from all places and things.  Just now my daughter started singing the song Georgy Girl..(one of my moms favorites!). and she's like, did this play this morning?  I'm like umm no---now it's stuck in both of our heads--thanks Mom!  Not sure what that one means but at least I know she's with us.  And that it's not just another day in the life!

They say it's your birthday......Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven Daddy....

 

Happy 92nd Birthday Poppa....your first one in heaven.  You are most likely so happy to be surrounded by all of those you've missed for so many years on your birthday.  It is your first birthday with your mom in more years than you can count.  Funny because this year will be the first one that I do not spend with DTM....the circle of life, huh daddy?  You used to talk about that all the time.  The quotes you used, your pearls of wisdom....they stay with me.  They are a part of who I am.  I hear your voice and your words every single day.  "Where you are, I once was" -  that's been a big one lately.  I miss you.  So much.  I know we all do.  

I found a disk of photos that you had taken over the years.  I downloaded them on my computer and it is so cool to see your perspective on what was important to capture.  It was also pretty funny that every picture I took of you and you took of me, we were making faces at each other....I guess I only remember our long talks over coffee, or after dinner.  I forget the goofy stuff.  That's why I miss the days of cameras instead of cell phones for picture taking.  

The baby graduated last week Pop.  It was the first and only one you missed.  DTM was quick to say that you and mommy were both together and there for it.  I am not gonna lie, I felt the empty seat.  I always feel the absence of your presence.  Even when you were grouchy and I could tell you missed the quiet of your own place, it was a blessing to have you there.  

Everything is changing Daddy.  I know you would say that's life.  Which I would then turn to mommy so she would comfort and baby me lol.  But you are right....it is life.  And sometimes dad?  It sucks.  How come you never showed me that?  How come you and mommy made it seem SO easy?  I can hear you laughing at me.  Shaking your head and saying "Ah baby, if only you knew."  I think about all the birthdays growing up that you made so special.  I always felt like a princess on my birthday.  And your birthdays....you shaking boxes and guessing what was in it---used to piss us off so much!  😁  And now?  What a party there is in Heaven today!  Strawberry shortcake, mommy's potato salad---I can see it now.  It makes my heart smile.  You deserve it daddy!  But what I would not give to run down the street and meet you at the corner and hang out the car window while you drove home.  I miss you.

We will celebrate you today.  I think I will have a manhattan instead of an appletini to switch things up.  I miss you.  Remember how you used to tell me to use my "poison pen" when I had something to say?  I am losing my gift daddy---the words are just not coming.   My get up and go just got up and went (as mommy always said).  I am hoping time truly does heal all wounds---you wouldn't lie to me wouldja daddy?  Because I will remind you when we meet again.  I will have a list, because I am your daughter.

I am sorry I am not full of eloquence and all these incredible snippets that you looked forward to in the past.  I'm not gonna lie Poppa....I haven't been myself since you left.  I think you took a part of me with you----can you send it back please?  I kinda miss her.  But I am stronger than I used to be---I will give you that.  I am your daughter. And you raised me to do whatever it takes no matter what, right?  Right.  So here we go daddy---the next phase of life.  Stay close please...because I always need my daddy.

Happy Birthday Poppa!  You are loved and missed more than you know.  I hope it is truly the best one ever and not just a day in the life xoxoxo 

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy....caught in a landslide, no escape from reality

Well, life here in Florida is starting to return to "normal".  By normal I mean everything is opening back up.  However, if this is "normal"  I'd like my money back.  This cannot be the future of this world, please God.  This week was truly horrific.  Thankfully nothing permanent but a week of really brutal energy.  My oldest son informed me yesterday that like 5 planets were in Gemini and coupled with the new moon I am hoping that is it, because I really want a redo.

Monday I was at the car dealership getting an oil change and yes, I am one of those people that doesn't wear a mask unless I am forced to.  The employees weren't wearing them so I felt that I could go without one as well.  Half of the customers had them on, a few had gloves as well (LOSE THE GLOVES PEOPLE!  THEY DON'T HELP!).  I sat in my chair and observed the looks on everyone's faces.  I felt like I was in a war zone.  No one speaks, everyone is on edge, it's just ugly.  I observed two co-workers and an awkward exchange because the man was trying to keep his distance and the woman kept touching his shoulder and he was trying to back away.  It was difficult to watch and to realize---is THIS the new normal?  When I went to open the door anywhere I used a paper towel and disinfected my hands.  I have never thought about germs in my life.  Except when my middle son was sick as a newborn and then when he had cancer but truly that's it.  Now I have a bottle of hand sanitizer in my purse along with a mask and paper towels.

I went to get a much needed pedicure and was told I needed a mask and to sanitize my hands before entering and there was a thermometer there on the counter if I wanted to check my temperature.  Wow.  There were plexi glass barriers everywhere, they raised their prices (to cover these costs I'm sure) and I sat there thinking---this CANNOT be the new normal.  They had meditation type music playing instead of the TV on and I couldn't help but feel like I just wanted to cry.  It seemed like we were all adversaries instead of neighbors.  Everyone had fear or frustration or suspicion in their eyes.  Really?  Would this ever go away?

I am really trying to not stick my head in the sand but honestly?  How long can this go on?  And keeping a mask on when getting a pedicure but being in a restaurant without one (obviously) what's the point?  I'm an all or nothing kind of person.  I just don't think it makes sense.  Yes, I'm being cautious, taking steps I would normally not take, but wearing a mask forever whenever I'm in public?  Teachers wearing masks while teaching, students while learning?  How is this even going to work?  My heart breaks for these young children growing up with this. 

I had to order toilet paper and paper towels for my company and still my normal orders aren't available.  So I am forced to order more expensive items just so that we have them because we are allowed to open up again.  Our business is having to change so many things to stay up to code.  It's a full time job just keeping up with all the requirements. 

I am a hugger.  One of my love languages is touch.  I went for months without hugging my sons---hell no.  Not anymore.  And I hold onto them tighter and tighter every time I see them, and they hold on right back.  At the beginning of the week my daughter had to hand in her cheer uniform.  They had lines of cars, the seniors were picking up their cap and gowns and lawn signs and yearbooks and the uniforms were being given back.  Some of the kids stayed in their cars and waited for someone to approach them.  Finally I told my daughter to just go bring her uniform into the gym.  Well, her coach said "No way I'm not giving you a hug!  Sorry." My daughter wouldn't have left without one either.  Her friend was waving from afar and told Em that she wanted to come and hug us so badly but her mom told her she'd be punished if she went near anyone.  That broke my heart.  I'm not judging her mom, I get it!  Everyone has to do what is right for them.  But to me?  A life like that isn't worth protecting or living.  Yesterday my daughter and I got together with some friends and it was so awkward greeting them.  But my daughter and her friend just hugged each other so tightly and that broke the ice and then there were hugs all around and the atmosphere relaxed.

I am a firm believer in not living in fear.  I also feel if you think you're going to get sick, you will.  I am not judging anyone for doing what they feel is best for them and their families, but I ask that I am not judged either.  I put my faith and trust in God, as I do every day and I want to live my life.  Because after all, isn't that why everyone is avoiding this disease?  So that they can live?  If I can't hug and kiss and touch the people that I love then what's the point?  Just sayin'.  Isn't it just a day in the life?

That God blessed the Broken road....

Sometimes Faith is difficult.  Having faith requires knowing and believing everything is working out in your favor even though you can't see it.  I have unwavering faith.  Faith that everything will be fine.  However, fine is not always giving me what I want.  And I want things to be fine....but I want what I want and what I believe in my heart is best and what is going to be.  That's where the wobble comes in.  Faith requires us to know that no matter what is happening it is for our highest good and the highest good for everyone involved.  Fear, for me, comes when I have faith but I'm not sure that the good that's coming is going to get to me where I want it to, the way I want it to and in the time I want it to.  Sound familiar?  Here is how I get through that...

Having lunch with my son the other day and we were discussing pretty much everything and anything.  We got to the topic of not seeing how certain situations would change.  My son, in his infinite wisdom (he totally gets that from me 😉) tells me to look at the last 4 years alone.  Would we have ever seen us moving to Florida, him quitting baseball, moving to North Carolina, then back here to Florida etc?  No.  Never.  And today on my face book memories it was funny because in 2015 I was in Florida visiting my dad and saying I missed Arizona because of the humidity and rain here.  Then in 2016 I arrived in Florida to my new home, 2017 showed my kids and daughter in law in the pool and my heart was happy but missing my oldest who was estranged and living in New Jersey , 2018 showed me missing my middle son because he was in NC....and now?  We are all in the same place again with completely different lives then we ever pictured even a year ago.  Had I known in 2015 what the next four years would bring in order to get to now?  I would have been crawled up in a corner sucking my thumb and crying for my mommy.  It was a TOUGH road.  But this is where we need to be and all of that needed to take place to get here.  So, sometimes when God isn't showing you the answers to your prayers or a clear vision of what is to come it is to protect you, and to allow you to be open to the path leading to the destination you're wanting. Sometimes it is so that you don't resist what it's going to take to get you there.  Or that you don't sit back and just wait for the destination and miss the lessons along the way.

Basically, whenever I feel worried, or fearful that things aren't going as planned I look back and see the reasons why things happened as they did.  It's usually pretty crystal clear.  And that knowledge helps me have faith that right now is no different.  So the moral of the story is....have faith....and hope...and trust that the road ahead might not be smooth or paved with gold, but it will lead you to where you need to be. God Bless The long and winding road....

The dinner theory....sorry no catchy song lyrics for this one :)

Happy March!  Not sure how March came up so quickly this year but yet here we are!  I'm a planner.  I'm a doer.  I'm not a waiter....or a winger....I like to know what's ahead of me.  I have said my whole life I can deal with ANYTHING as long as I know what I'm dealing with!  Even when my son was diagnosed with cancer and the Dr. came in to tell us about his treatment plan....he asked my son and me when we wanted to get started...we looked at each other and said "Today?"  I loved that calendar...I loved the plan all laid out in front of us, knowing when and what was going to happen as he tackled this disease.  During that time the hardest thing was when his counts didn't line up and they had to push the treatment off a week.  You see....we planned a trip to New York for Halloween because that was going to be his prize....his thing to look forward to during this horrific time.  Eye on the prize we would say.  Working towards something motivated him.  It's always motivated me.  Knowing why I'm doing something is necessary for me to do it with my whole heart.  Having a goal and an end game is just vital. 

Last year a lot of time that I could have spent enjoying things or relaxing were spent frozen because I was waiting for something that didn't even happen.  Had I known that it wasn't happening last year I would have been okay with it, I would have gone about my life not putting things off "in case" or "until" the event was occurring.  I'd rather suffer the pain of disappointment then the agony of waiting for something that isn't going to transpire.  In my morning chat with my Maple Leaf bestie I was saying how I can't handle uncertainty.  How I can deal with anything but that.  And she said she totally got it...she said it's the dinner theory.  Ummmm huh?  HUGE question mark on my face.  'Splain please.  "The dinner theory...hang with me!  Like if I'm told when I get home that there will be spaghetti and meatballs and I walk in and there is Chinese food I'm annoyed/upset/disappointed because I was ready for Spaghetti and meatballs.  I was looking forward to spaghetti and meatballs.  I was prepared for spaghetti and meatballs."  YES!  I get it!  The dinner theory!  Works!  It's not a matter of being rigid or inflexible to life's twists and turns it's just a matter of preparation.  I like impromptu things.  For instance...speaking of the dinner theory.  I plan my menus a week in advance.  I shop based on those menus (don't judge me...I told you I like to be prepared).  Now....if Tuesday comes and I don't feel like making what was planned for Tuesday or if someone says "hey lets go out or can we have xyz instead?"  I'm all for that.  I don't mind deviating from the plan....I just like to have it there in case.  Am I making any sense here?  The plan gives me comfort.  It lets me know that I have it under control in case.   I know ultimately that God is the one in control....that even if I 'think' I know what is going to transpire and I plan for it that He can change it in the blink of an eye and that's okay by me.  Because I know His plan is way better than anything I could have imagined.  I just normally have this strong intuition that I can feel Him guide me on my path....lately He's showing me that I don't need to see the path I need to trust Him.  And I am....and I need to learn to enjoy the present moment because they don't last forever.

Yesterday I was working and my kids were helping and I told them to just go and enjoy themselves in the pool.  My son kept asking me if I was going to join them.  I said yes, in a minute...I just want to finish.  I heard them laughing outside and he sent me a picture of them in the hot tub.  I realized that so much is changing this year....including us not living in the same space by the end of the year.  I stopped what I was doing and put my bathing suit on and joined them.  We then went home and I picked up dinner on the way so that I didn't have to waste time in the kitchen (ooops the dinner theory got blown there...no burritos----fried chicken instead) and we spent the rest of the night laughing and watching This is Us (I KNOW!  BEST SHOW EVER!) and just relishing in the now.  Nothing lasts forever......it's just a day in the life......