Because you matter to me, I promise you do, you see?

At one time in my life, I had 21 nieces and nephews.  I took great pride in being an aunt.  Before I became a mom, being an aunt defined me. When I got divorced (even before then) I lost 14 of those nieces and nephews.  I remained close to my niece and two nephews who lived in Arizona, but the rest wrote me off like I never existed.  All those years of playing barbies with them, letting them do my hair, baking them cakes for celebrations, my "famous" pasta salad that they requested all the time, dance recitals, sleepovers at my house, being their confidants when they couldn't tell their mom something - all forgotten.  I was erased with a signature on a divorce paper.  I never really thought about it over the years.  It was best to have that clean break, I have mentioned in previous blogs I was never really accepted into my in laws circle.  But my nieces and nephews - they accepted me completely - and if I am being honest, probably part of the reason why their mothers did not.  Over the years since my divorce, I remained in contact with my niece and 2 nephews from Arizona.  The boys joined the Army, and I was lucky enough to be able to continue contact with them while they were overseas.  One of them came and stayed with me in Florida with his army buddy while they were stationed in North Carolina.  The divorce didn't include them, and I am so grateful.  They've had kids of their own now and that is what brings me to this post.  My niece...she is 33 and a mother of 4.  Her first child is a teenager.  When she found out she was pregnant she told me before anyone else.  She made me swear to keep it a secret, she did not want her parents to make her end the pregnancy.  By this point she was very close to that not being an option anymore.  I did.  I took her to her sonogram appointment and got to see the baby and that is a memory I cherish.  I felt guilty about keeping it a secret, but I told my ex-husband (her blood uncle) and he agreed I needed to keep the baby safe.  Well, I was ostracized when the family found out I knew.  It was fine.  That was between me, and God and I did what I thought was right and I would do it again!  That was in 2008.  The baby was born on my son's birthday during his cancer treatment, so I had more important things to deal with than disapproval from a family that I never fit in. 

 

Fast forward to now.  My niece had a hysterectomy yesterday.  I am praying they got the cancer out completely.  She has had so much dealt to her.  A child with mental illness, one with Autism, a husband that was deployed during her pregnancies - the list goes on.  But she is a badass.  She handles it all and is in the process of closing on a million-dollar home that came from her putting herself through dental hygienist school, running a tanning and teeth whitening business on the side, being an army wife and now she is killing it as a realtor. I am so very proud of her!  In the morning, we were texting before her surgery, and she told me I always know exactly what to say to her when she needs it.  Tears in my eyes I told her - it's in the aunt's handbook.   Last night I was texting her after her surgery and she asked me if my kitchen in New York was decorated in Apples. I had not thought about that in a hundred years.  I laughed and said yes, why?  She began to tell me how she was telling her husband about what an impact I had on her life and how she remembered being in my kitchen and how I would let her do play dough and paint and all the things her mom never let her do.  She told me she always felt safe with me. So many emotions flooded my mind.  Wow.  I did not even remember that.  That brought me to a memory of my own mom and how she let me have play dough once -and I was only allowed to use it outside.  I swore I would let my kids do playdough whenever they wanted.  It led to a conversation with my daughter about how to my kids it was just. normal to be able to make messes and how they didn't know any different!  Anyway, this is taking waaaaayyy too long to get to my point.  If you're still here, bless you 😇  

 

What I learned and I want you to remember ---- sometimes it's a little thing that you don't even think about that can make a difference in someone's life.   My daughter's kindergarten teacher commented on her Facebook post the other day and we had a laundry list of things that we both remembered about her.  And 16 years later her teacher remembers things about us both fondly- tiny little things that did not mean anything while I was doing them, but she remembers. Growing up we never got ourselves something to eat or drink without asking anyone if they wanted something.  I raised my kids the same way.  It wasn't until years later that we realized this isn't necessarily "normal".   Lately I have been feeling less than important in the grand scheme of life so this interaction with my niece was much needed.  I guess I still react to words of affirmation after all, and I realize that many other people are more affected by acts of service.  It makes me feel good when I know that my words of affirmation and my acts of service made a difference to people.  Sometimes, I think we take it for granted in the people closest to us and it becomes not expected but just "normal" and it isn't appreciated as much.  I know I have been guilty of that in the past.  I have tried really hard to be conscious of it and make sure to tell people that they are important to me. So, today - take some time and think about someone or something that has made a difference in your life and tell them.  Even if you told them yesterday.  Even if you haven’t spoken to them in a decade. No one gets tired of hearing that they matter.  For all you know it could make tomorrow more than just a day in the life. 

In Your Easter Bonnet....with all the frills upon it...

 

Easter Sunday....the memories of my childhood....and my children's did not really get to me this year...too much.   I have almost forgotten what it was like making Easter baskets, coloring and hiding eggs, remembering at the last minute that I did not, in fact, have a decent carrot

to leave out for the Easter bunny.  My daughter and I were remembering how she and her brother would fight to the death to win the Easter Egg hunt (yes, I know---very holy of them 😉.  But what fun memories those were.  One of my favorites of my childhood is when my mom forgot where she hid the last egg and a few weeks later we smelled it...I mean found it!  I was far too excited this year that I was going to be able to spend the day at the beach!  I cancelled the dinner reservations we had made (just in case) and off we went.  

On the way to the beach we were engrossed in a deep conversation about God only knows what - but I know we were discussing something serious.  I asked my daughter to go in the console and see if I had hand lotion or a perfume roller ball in there (can't remember which) and seemingly out of nowhere a photo of my dad appeared.

We have been driving his car since he passed in 2021.  I have been through that console dozens of times since, including cleaning out things that I could bear to part with.  So how did I never see this photo?  Instant tears started flowing.  My daddy....never far away.  My daughter and I both took it as confirmation that he was handling any and all issues we faced.  Look at that face....so strong.  I recalled, once again, how lucky I was to have him as my dad.  My children to have him as their poppa.  He was not a Saint by any stretch of the imagination.  But the relationship I built with him as an adult has shaped me in more ways than I can really count.  My work ethic, my sense of right and wrong....all the things that help make me- well me.  Last week my creme filling son was facing an issue with his company and as we discussed it he sent me photos and proof of his side of the situation.  I complimented him and told him that is what Pop always taught us.  Document everything.  It became a joke between my sister and I about how Daddy told us to keep notes about every situation in life.  Time, date, applicable players.  But we do it.  And obviously I passed that down to my kids.  It makes me so happy when I see my parents lessons come out in my kids.  My daughter often says, when she is cleaning or organizing, that she knows how happy her Yaya is when she's doing it.

I have always been an "out of sight, out of mind" type of person.  My mom would say I was "so fickle", because I could change my mind about people at the drop of a hat. It always bothered me.  Why do I not miss people?  Why do I not think about people when I don't see them often?  But I now realize - that is not the truth.  There are certain people (my parents included) that are never really out of my mind.  I am learning that it wasn't that I was "out of sight, out of mind" it is that those people aren't my people.  It's not a flaw, it's a gift!  I don't have time to pine over people that really don't care to be in my life unless I am the one making the effort.  My energy is better spent on the people who do want me in their life and take the time to show me that, because every day----is an important one and not just a day in the life!