Well you have suffered enough and warred with yourself, it's time you won

 This blog post is for women...mainly moms who have adult children (isn't that an oxymoron).  If you are not a woman or if you haven't reached the age of having most of your life behind you, this is not for you.

Hi, now that it is just us - how are you?  No REALLY how are you?

 Why is that such a difficult question to answer honestly?  Fine.  Not bad.  Hanging in there.  Can't complain. I could ask any of my female friends or relatives that question and I would get some kind of response like that.  Most of us are not, however fine. Most of us are hanging on by a thread - but will we admit it freely?  Most likely not to a lot of people.  Either because we can't really explain how we feel or we think no one cares OR most likely we don't want to burden anyone else with our true feelings.  I am fortunate.  I have several people that I can actually tell how I am feeling and they tell me back.  This sisterhood is sacred.  We don't ever judge one another, we usually can relate and if we can't, then we honestly say - I don't know how you do it because I am not so sure I could!  I have had these conversations a lot lately.  Life is constantly changing yet it feels so redundant - can you relate?  I feel blessed to have confidants in my life that I have been blessed to know for decades if not more.  One of these precious souls, my cousin JM is battling a terminal diagnosis.  We talk pretty much every day and while I cannot pretend to know what she goes through and I pray I never will - we can both discuss anything and everything and can usually get the other one to see the light in a situation.  She knows me better than most people and she holds a mirror to my face if I need it.  Most of my tribe I don't speak to as often, but I can rely on them always!  My sister from another mister came into my life when our kids were at varying ages - we met through a disastrous mom's group and the only good thing that came out of that was our friendship.  She has been there for me during every phase of life.  When I was in Florida

taking care of my mom in the last days of her life and I couldn't get back to Arizona fast enough - she was there - in an instant she stepped up and stepped in.  We had a falling out at one point and hadn't spoken for a long time- she picked up the phone and called me at her wits end and I got in my car and went to meet her.  Last year when I couldn't get to Arizona fast enough yet again, she dropped everything and went shopping for formula and diapers for my newborn granddaughter while her mother was in the hospital so that my son would not have to worry about it.  I got to see her a few times in person in the last year, and it is the most comforting feeling to have someone who knows you, supports you and you can count on - no matter what!  I texted her recently about a situation and she was so angry FOR me and so indignant I had to pick up the phone and call her because she made me go from tears to laughter in minutes from her texts.  I am in the process of planning a road trip with my cousin Robyn - we decided it was time for us to figure out who we are and what we like before we are too old to do it!  We've been going through this for years, her adult sons have recently all moved home and she is realizing too that it is time for her to figure out what brings her joy.   I could go on and on with stories like these about these fabulous women who I am blessed to know.  One thing we all have in common is navigating this next phase of life after devoting most of our adult years to raising children.  It became our identity - what do we like to do?  Beats me - I spent a nearly two decades homeschooling, volunteering at schools, at more baseball fields than I can count, the dance studio, cheer competitions and living in my car going to all these places.  In between there was teaching CCD, teaching them how to drive, visiting colleges, moving them into colleges, moving them out of colleges, surgeries, illnesses, proms, homecomings, car issues, the list goes on.  Who had time to think about what we liked to do?  Did it matter? And now?  Now there is time - somedays too much time and we need to figure out what to do with it.

My older son is turning 32 this week.  He mentioned how I fulfilled my childhood prophecy when I gave birth to him (becoming a mom) and now....it's my time.  He is what prompted this post.  He asked me - what do I want?  (interesting - he is the one that asked me if I was happy in 2010 which made me first start questioning that) He told me my mission in the world is complete, now it's my turn. Well, that is very scary at the moment because I am clueless as to what comes next.  But at least I am not alone.  I have an army of fabulous women who are in the same place and together we will figure it out - we always do!  And until then, it will be just a day in the life.

Sometimes in our lives, we all have pain....we all have sorrow

 Last week was one I will never forget.  There was a hurricane set to hit Florida and the amount of stress and fear and just overall judgement and negativity was running rampant.   I usually do not get caught up in that because I just always know I am safe and protected.  But it was really hard to avoid.  I had so many people texting to see if we were evacuating or if our area was safe (which was so nice and made me feel loved) and I was definitely more aware than I usually am.  And then....I got a text from my cousin that they had found another spot on her brain and the cancer may have spread.  Then I got a text that literally made my knees buckle.  I got a text from one of my oldest and dearest friends on Wednesday night checking on my daughter and me.  Then on Thursday ---less than 24 hours later a text that her husband died.  I'm sorry what?!?!?!  Two weeks ago she was sending me photos of them during a visit to New York at all of our favorite food places - photos of her hubby eating onion rings from one of our favorite diners - and he's gone?  How?  He died of a heart attack (something called the Widow maker, how surreal) in the middle of telling a joke.  Wow.

We have always joked that we lived parallel lives.  I was a bridesmaid in her wedding....we always seemed to be a few years apart in our big life moments.  We got divorced around the same time, had kids around the same time, Moved to different states around the same times.  But in 2015 she got married to the love of her life.  That is where our parallel lives were not so parallel.  And now?  He's gone.  She called me last night and I felt fear run through my body.  I truly had no idea what I was going to say to her?  My big thing is everything happens for a reason - God has a plan.  Well how the hell was I going to try to interpret the plan or reason for this?  I didn't have to.  She told me she knew she needed to lean into God and turn to him and that she felt her husband in her soul.  She said "I know if anyone understands that it would be you".  Wow.  just wow.  She is planning to really embrace her faith and turn to it for solace.  She thanked me for sharing my faith so freely and that whenever she wavered she would reach out to me.

I have really been struggling since I got her text - I just could not wrap my brain around what she must be feeling, how she was going to live in their home surrounded by his presence - how do you function?  How do you carry on after losing the love of your life?  How do you recover being a widow at 55?  How do any of us carry on after loss?  For me?  I turn to God and my faith - if I did not have that I do not know what I would do.  At the same time I was receiving videos and photos from my son and daughter in law from their trip to Europe - talk about opposite ends of the spectrum.   I felt like my insides were in the middle of a ping pong game.  But no matter what, life goes on.  All the tragedy going on in Florida and North Carolina - in the middle of people trying to rent homes to flee the hurricane.  Life goes on.  I'm in the middle of a cross country move.  Life goes on.  How do you stay hopeful and grateful and not let things like this level you?  Faith.  At the end of the day that's all we have, and it's necessary to remember it is just a day in the life-and good or bad, we need to embrace it.

https://gofund.me/ea597f3e

Here’s a go fund me link for my dear friend if you’re able and want to help

I made a promise, I'll never run and hide

 Have you ever had a dream that lasted all night?  Even if you wake up and go back to sleep it continues?  I have had this happen to me many times. When I was a child there was one dream in particular that happened for years - a giant chasing me through a maze/house.  Even typing that gives me a pit in my stomach, it was terrifying as a child.  I also had one where snakes were biting my feet - there was more to that one but I don't remember it.  I remember waking myself up because I wanted it to stop, yet I would try drifting off to sleep and it would pick up where it left off.  Not sure if there is a reason why these happen but I am not a fan.

So, last night's "dream" was very detailed, however when I woke up and started trying to talk about it the details were hazy.  There was a huge storm/wave coming and everyone at the resort or cruise ship or wherever I was, was terrified.  Everyone was preparing to die, honestly.  Me?  I was in the ocean floating on the waves having a grand time.  The person who I was with (no face, this happens a lot in my dreams - faceless, but I can usually sense who its "supposed" to be) was like ummmm, Tina?  Look behind you.  I was like "OH, hmmmm.  I guess we should get out!"  YA THINK?  So, we went inside this building which was set up for everyone to basically just be piled into rooms like sardines - anticipating death I suppose.  I saw some old friends from Elementary school, and I asked if I could save the seat in between them with my jacket.  They looked at me like I was crazy as I went off, happy as a lark to get some pizza and watch a movie.  Other things happened, fuzzy now, but I remember feeling like no one wanted to be around me, they looked at me like I was out of my mind.  Truth be told I started to feel alone and sad.  But I continued on exploring the ship looking for I am assuming my family.  I finally woke up for the day and ended the extremely uncomfortable dream.

Over coffee this morning I was telling my daughter about it and I realized ---- everyone was prepared to die, and I was like - uhhh no!  God is protecting me, I am fine, I don't know about you all.  And my daughter - in her brilliance - was like Ma, that's what it was.  That is how you are in real life and that is why people don't get you!  I was like Aha!  You are right!  And she said "and the waves represent all the changes that are coming.  We know they're coming but we don't know when it's going to hit.  But we are not scared because we know we will be fine, and God has got us."  Have I mentioned she's brilliant?  And I made her 😃

I don't usually have dreams that can be interpreted this way (at least I don't think so) but perhaps the ones that I cannot wake up from during the night are those types of dreams and I am supposed to learn from them.  I realize part of my purpose in this lifetime is to teach by example how to surrender it all to God.  When you have worries - give them to God.  The more you do that the less you will feel the need to worry, because God is up all night anyway.  I remember my daddy saying to me that God would say "Are you going to worry about this?  Because if you are going to worry about this then I won't because no sense both of us losing sleep over it" - FACTS.  Here's the main issue - if there is something in your life that you are concerned about, and you can change it - than do it!  Make the change and fix it.  If there is something in your life that you can't change - then you have to surrender it to God and let Him work it out in your best interest.  So....basically, worrying is a complete waste of time.  Think about my dream?  All those people were sitting around just waiting to die, while I was walking around eating Pizza and watching a movie.  The end result was the same - however I was enjoying the time while they were wasting it.

Right in front of you is 24 hours - we all have the same 24 hours.  Are you going to spend yours unhappy and glum or are you going to make it more than just a day in the life?  Choice is yours....