Not all who wander are lost....but some who don't wander are....

Lost.  I'm lost these days.  I don't wander.  I'm never far from home.  I stay close to those I love and I don't stray from who I am.  The problem is my soul is restless.  It is lost at the current moment.  I cannot focus or find joy for more than a moment at a time.  This is not me. This is not even remotely anything like me.....actually, it reminds me of the me from a long long time ago....before I was awakened.... Even in moments when I would normally feel happy and I AM on the outside, my soul is not.  My soul is longing for something and it will not rest.  Anyone who knows me knows all I've ever wanted is happiness and peace in my soul and for those I love.  I had it for a while.   Even though outside it seemed my world was chaotic and crazy and crumbling.....my soul was at peace, I knew in my heart of hearts that everything would be okay.  I still know that everything will be okay, but I'm not certain how that okay looks....and I'm tired.  My soul is tired of waiting for that peace and joy to return.  It is frustrated because no matter how I spin it or try to find the blessings in my current situation and focus on the gratitude for all the good things I have in my life (there are SO many!) my soul is lost.

My kids and I have been hitting Disney World on Fridays since the New Year.  We have had SO much fun and I've loved the time together...but while I'm there it's like I'm not.  It's like my soul is watching my physical self laugh and joke and make memories, but my soul isn't present in my body.  I know a lot of people will read this and think I'm not making any sense.  That's ok.  I just needed to get it out.  I feel like I am two people.  I'm angry.  I want to be happy.  I want to embrace these moments.  But I'm not fully in it.  Some might say I'm depressed....I have been depressed before, this is not it.  This is some kind of soul expansion or huge shift in my life.  I'm going to be 54 years old in a few days....how many more shifts and changes do I have to go through?  At the moment I feel like I just want to turn it all off.  My feelings, my thoughts, my awareness....my intuition.  The signs I get mean nothing anymore.  It's hard for me to admit that, but I've lost hope.  I feel like it's all been a huge trick.  Dangling a carrot in front of me, promising this extraordinary life that I've had glimpses of.  But what if this is it?  What if this is all there is?  Most people would trade places with me in a heartbeat.  For my kids alone.  I have given birth to three incredible, loving, devoted, brilliant, amazing human beings and they are so so good to me.  Normally, in the past that was always enough for me.  That alone gave me joy and peace.  I want more.  I need more. I feel like Belle in the beginning of Beauty and the Beast when she sings "Belle".  My soul is looking for something and I don't know how to fix it.

My first born and I discuss spiritual things every day.  He is so knowledgeable about the planets and how it affects us.  Our birth charts, the list goes on.  Normally I love listening to his take on it....today I just asked him to please let me just rest and take care of myself without trying to make sense of it.  It was hurting my brain to try to comprehend.  All I know at the moment is that I'm lost.  I will be found again, I know that.  I will survive, I always do.  But I am not sure my soul is going to sing the way it has in the past for a very long time and that makes me so sad.  I miss that feeling....that excited, joyful feeling.  I know it will pass.  I know I'll feel better.  But right now it feels like this has been building up and I've been fighting it for so long.  I surrender.  I give up.  I will learn to adjust to this feeling if I have to.  When it's time my soul will sing again, a new tune, a different song....I hope that I will learn to accept the new song and allow it to light up my life again.  In the meantime, it's just a day in the life......

Happy 2019!

Well it's the beginning of a whole new book....a 365 day one.  I was all about kicking 2018 to the curb and then yesterday morning on my face book memories the last 6 New Years eve posts were in my face.  Well....3 of the 6.  I realized the years that I posted good riddance to that year posts were years I was really unhappy at that moment.  If I truly look back on every year there were amazing moments and equally as painful ones.  So why throw the baby out with the bath water (as my mommy always said and I had NO clue what it meant at the time).?  Life isn't perfect.  There are ALWAYS going to be horrible times.  But there are also beautiful, magical, incredible times thrown in there.  Why don't we remember those moments?  Why do we focus on the bad?  I came up with so many amazing things this year that happened and the negative things were all lessons to bring me to the place I'm at today.  I did a quick inventory of the last 6 years and realized they were all the same.  Even 2015, which was by far the worst year I can remember was completed in such a perfect and magical way that I only remember that beautiful magic when I think of it.  The last two NYE did not have a face book post because they were blissful.  Perfect, blissful endings.  So.....even though those years had really hard times during them the end justified the means.  It becomes a bit of "what have you done for me lately".  Don't we treat the people we love like that sometimes?  I remember my son reminding me of my habit of doing this.....I was really pissed at something he wasn't doing (taking out the garbage?  dishes?  who can remember)  and he quickly reminded me of all the things he was doing right and why wasn't I acknowledging them?  Why was I focused only on the things he was doing wrong? Wow!  Wake up call.  I realized at that moment that I needed to change the way I looked at things.  Over the last probably 6 years since he said that to me I have.  I definitely count my blessings more and my hardships less.  I can turn any situation around and find the good in it.   So....2018 let's go!  My oldest son broke his 8 month silence with me and we repaired our relationship and are now closer than we have ever been (and we used to be pretttttyyy close so that's saying a lot), the prayers I said relentlessly for him were heard and have been answered.  I can see why that separation had to happen....I can see why all the pain he's been through over the last 7 years occurred.  My younger son moved to North Carolina and at the last minute I chose not to go.  As a result,  my daughter stayed at her current school for High School and as a result became a Varsity Cheerleader and has really come out of her shell.... I took on a new role at my company and it has allowed us to live in a beautiful home and have a different lifestyle.  My son and his wife were able to begin their life together truly on their own, without any family or friends nearby which bonded them together even tighter.  See what I'm doing here?  I'm taking the pain of my oldest not speaking to me and the pain of my younger son moving away and I'm looking at the good things that happened as a result!  Can you do that?  I'm sure if you give it a try you can.  Now do that everyday, with every negative thing you focus on.  Some are harder than others, but I promise you it's possible.  And before you know it....you're living an amazing, beautiful, divinely guided life.

So, 2019....welcome.  Thank you in advance for the glorious things you have planned.  And I promise....when I don't get my way and you show me things I don't really want....I'll forgive you and I'll look deeper for your reasons.  And next year....when it's time to say goodbye....I'll remember you fondly both good and bad.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!