Jesus take the wheel, take it from my hands

 This morning my daughter took the wheel and I was forced to surrender control and so many things came together in that 15 mile drive.  We joked - Jesus take the wheel - and as we were driving I realized how much I am on autopilot when I drive and honestly in my life. She thanked me for being patient, but I did not feel patient.  My cousin texted Jesus take the wheel and I laughed at the repetitive message God was sending.  I believe in God's magic, His ability to change things in a moment - to perform miracles.  I have just lost hope that those will be to my benefit.

I began last week with some fated meetings at the airport and in the hotel lobby during my trip to Arizona to shower my future granddaughter with love and presents.  It reminded me how God has a plan and certain meetings and people are brought into your life in an instant.  I was full of hope and excitement about what these meetings could bring in the future. By the time this week ended I realized my intuition is broken and nothing that I really believed was going to happen is happening. But I was reminded to once again hand everything over to God and to give up my vision for my life and my children's lives for His vision.  Jesus take the wheel.

I realized that my heart has grown cold and I don't allow myself to feel the way I used to.  Until I saw

my son waiting at the gate for my arrival.  One look at his handsome face and the tears flowed.  My heart swelled and ached with missing him at the same time.  He has a life now that I am really not apart of and I was reminded of how my parents must have felt every time they stepped off a plane to me and my children who had grown since the last time they saw them.  It is really difficult to imagine that I was so oblivious to how they were feeling because I was consumed with how I was feeling.  I realized the next time I see him he will be a father and I will be coming to see my beautiful Granddaughter.  The thought of that makes me break down in tears and his entire life flashes before my eyes.  When he was born, kindergarten graduation, baseball games, first communion/confirmation, hospital visits, surgeries, high school graduation, leaving the airport after dropping him at college, moving away again and again, his wedding - how is that all behind us?  I had time alone with him and time with just him and his sister and I remembered how it used to be.  How is that time gone?  And normally I embrace each phase as it comes and as excited as I am to be a Gigi, I would give anything to go back in time and live my children's childhoods over again.  I have never felt that way before and thank God, because it is heartbreaking.

I have never lived with regret, and I still don't.  I don't regret anything except believing my intuition

about certain situations.  It was wrong so many times I am realizing.  I thought maybe my intuition was just behind divine timing playing out.  But I am realizing what I thought was intuition was just merely wishful thinking.  So now what?  Where do I go from here?  This week the term hobby was thrown around a bit.  What are your hobbies?  Hmmm.  Good question.  One I do not have an answer to.  Should I?  Do I need to develop hobbies?  It got me to thinking and I started asking people what are your hobbies?  I realize women have way less than men.  Men will say golf, fishing, running, hiking, gardening, insert a sport.  When I ask women they pause - and most don't have an answer.  Why?  I think it's because women as a whole focus more on relationships then on hobbies - maybe I am being sexist or some other non-politically correct thought.  But at the moment that is how I feel.  I have poured my entire life into relationships - partner, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, friend and I have realized that no one treasures those relationships with me like I do with them.  I have spent the last several years focusing on myself and building my sense of self worth and pursuing what makes me happy.  But I am who I am and who I am is a woman who loves so fucking deeply and who will never receive that same love back no matter what the relationship.  And now?  I am okay with that.  It is who I am and I am done apologizing for it.  The difference is now I don't forget to love myself and accept myself for who I am, even if no one else does- I know what I bring to the table and I know that the people I choose to keep in my life and give that love to are lucky to have it.  And those who have lost that, well sucks to be you honestly because you'll never find that commitment, caring and love again.  My oldest son told me the other day I love mommy 2.0 - me too son; me too!

I realized my level of gratitude for the things God has provided has been lacking.  I have been in a place of sadness and disappointment for things that will never be and things that once were that are gone now.  It is time to count my blessings again and even if they don't look the way I hoped, I've been gifted another day in the life.

I made a promise, I'll never run and hide

 Have you ever had a dream that lasted all night?  Even if you wake up and go back to sleep it continues?  I have had this happen to me many times. When I was a child there was one dream in particular that happened for years - a giant chasing me through a maze/house.  Even typing that gives me a pit in my stomach, it was terrifying as a child.  I also had one where snakes were biting my feet - there was more to that one but I don't remember it.  I remember waking myself up because I wanted it to stop, yet I would try drifting off to sleep and it would pick up where it left off.  Not sure if there is a reason why these happen but I am not a fan.

So, last night's "dream" was very detailed, however when I woke up and started trying to talk about it the details were hazy.  There was a huge storm/wave coming and everyone at the resort or cruise ship or wherever I was, was terrified.  Everyone was preparing to die, honestly.  Me?  I was in the ocean floating on the waves having a grand time.  The person who I was with (no face, this happens a lot in my dreams - faceless, but I can usually sense who its "supposed" to be) was like ummmm, Tina?  Look behind you.  I was like "OH, hmmmm.  I guess we should get out!"  YA THINK?  So, we went inside this building which was set up for everyone to basically just be piled into rooms like sardines - anticipating death I suppose.  I saw some old friends from Elementary school, and I asked if I could save the seat in between them with my jacket.  They looked at me like I was crazy as I went off, happy as a lark to get some pizza and watch a movie.  Other things happened, fuzzy now, but I remember feeling like no one wanted to be around me, they looked at me like I was out of my mind.  Truth be told I started to feel alone and sad.  But I continued on exploring the ship looking for I am assuming my family.  I finally woke up for the day and ended the extremely uncomfortable dream.

Over coffee this morning I was telling my daughter about it and I realized ---- everyone was prepared to die, and I was like - uhhh no!  God is protecting me, I am fine, I don't know about you all.  And my daughter - in her brilliance - was like Ma, that's what it was.  That is how you are in real life and that is why people don't get you!  I was like Aha!  You are right!  And she said "and the waves represent all the changes that are coming.  We know they're coming but we don't know when it's going to hit.  But we are not scared because we know we will be fine, and God has got us."  Have I mentioned she's brilliant?  And I made her 😃

I don't usually have dreams that can be interpreted this way (at least I don't think so) but perhaps the ones that I cannot wake up from during the night are those types of dreams and I am supposed to learn from them.  I realize part of my purpose in this lifetime is to teach by example how to surrender it all to God.  When you have worries - give them to God.  The more you do that the less you will feel the need to worry, because God is up all night anyway.  I remember my daddy saying to me that God would say "Are you going to worry about this?  Because if you are going to worry about this then I won't because no sense both of us losing sleep over it" - FACTS.  Here's the main issue - if there is something in your life that you are concerned about, and you can change it - than do it!  Make the change and fix it.  If there is something in your life that you can't change - then you have to surrender it to God and let Him work it out in your best interest.  So....basically, worrying is a complete waste of time.  Think about my dream?  All those people were sitting around just waiting to die, while I was walking around eating Pizza and watching a movie.  The end result was the same - however I was enjoying the time while they were wasting it.

Right in front of you is 24 hours - we all have the same 24 hours.  Are you going to spend yours unhappy and glum or are you going to make it more than just a day in the life?  Choice is yours....