Be Thankful for what you got.....

Happy Thanksgiving!  As I sit in the quiet this morning....the bird is stuffed and in the oven...the pies are made...side dishes all simmering and my coffee in hand I am swept up in memories of Thanksgivings past.  I realized this year, with the help of my oldest and youngest children, that Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.  Took me 53 years to realize that.  And it took my walk down memory lane to recall why.  This year is much different in a lot of ways, but I am thankful and peaceful nonetheless.  I realized that I have made Thanksgiving dinner for 30 years.  The only year I didn't was the year I was moving from NY to Arizona and my entire house was packed and we had one last complete extended family dinner at my sister's.  There have been odd years here and there where we celebrated the actual holiday at someone elses' home, but I always made a complete dinner for my family to enjoy after.  When we lived in New York Thanksgiving was my holiday.  I hosted my family and my in laws and basically anyone who didn't have a place to go every year.  I have a full set of Thanksgiving dishes and napkins and tablecloths and gold silverware....specifically designated for this day.  How did I not realize it was my favorite holiday? 

I have come to despise black Friday as it now swallows up Thanksgiving.  My oldest is working from 12-8 today....my middle son and daughter in law worked until 3 am last night and are working at 5 pm today.  Last year we had dinner super early so that we could at least eat together.  This year....my dad has decided not to take the trip up to be with us, and unfortunately my schedule won't allow me to go there.  Plus, I missed Thanksgiving with my oldest last year because he was in New Jersey and I don't want him alone today.  My cream filling son and his bride are now 10 hours away and working all day so that's not happening.  This is our first Thanksgiving apart and it is hitting me far harder than I imagined.  I miss them.  Last year I bought matching Christmas pajamas for my daughter, daughter in law and myself specifically to wear on Thanksgiving morning....well one pair is sitting here unopened.  Last year the girls helped me cut and mix and prepare.  This year it was just my daughter and me and my daughter in laws presence was missed.  20 years ago I started a tradition of giving my oldest a Nutcracker and my younger son a snowman on Thanksgiving morning.  My plan was that when they got married they'd have a whole bunch of Christmas decorations for their new home.  When my daughter came along I added angels to the mix (she later changed hers to snow globes and keeps hers out in her room all year).  Their dad always got them an ornament that had some significance of what their interests were that year.  Once we got divorced I continued that tradition as well.  Again, thinking they'd have a whole tree worth of ornaments when they moved out.  This summer I had to give over those snowmen....and last month the ornaments too.  Wow.  That hit me like a ton of bricks.  I'm crying as I type it.  He's not going to be here to do the tree this year....his ornaments won't be on it....his snowmen won't be placed all over my home....ok, this is NOT what was supposed to be in this blog post.  Ok, back to Thanksgiving.  The picture above is this morning's table, waiting for my oldest and youngest to come down.  I sent Elves to my middlest and his bride because my daughter in law was a bit over the 20 snowmen that would now be in her home lol, I had to switch it up.  I have their ornament here...ready to be mailed....it's surreal to me still.  It's bittersweet....no that's a lie....it's just bitter, I want them here. 

This is our first year in this home.  My daughter asked me yesterday while we were chopping and sauteing and mixing which house I liked preparing dinner in the most, 780 (the house in Arizona that we had built) or this one.....this one for sure I replied.  This kitchen is just perfect for me.  As I looked around this morning after putting the turkey in the oven I envisioned a much different Thanksgiving next year.  The one I've been dreaming about for a few years now....next year it will happen.  This year, I will be thankful for getting through this year of turmoil intact....for my son's beautiful wedding last month and having my whole family together for a short moment....I'm thankful for my crazy, chaotic job and all the blessings that come with that....I'm thankful my family is happy and healthy ....I'm thankful to spend today with my sweet friend and her family....I'm eternally grateful to have my oldest son back whole and complete and our relationship healed and stronger than ever before....I'm thankful for my youngest son and the bond that we have and the fact that it is still as strong as ever despite the physical distance between us....I'm thankful for my daughter in law and the joy and peace she adds to our family....I'm thankful for my beautiful daughter who is strong and smart and knows me better than I know myself sometimes....I'm thankful that my dad is healthy and happy and enjoying his life again....I'm thankful for my siblings and their families and the fact that distance doesn't change the love we have for each other..the list goes on and on.  I know all of this....I know how lucky I am and I am so very thankful.....life is changing rapidly and somethings will always bring sadness during this time.  I miss my mother more every holiday....instead of it getting easier it actually gets harder.  As much as I try to focus on the joys and blessings there is a part of me that is sad and wishes things were different in specific ways....but I know that God's timing and His plan will bring it all together.  Next Thanksgiving I will own it!  It will be the biggest bird I've ever cooked instead of the smallest....now that I've realized it's my favorite holiday who knows what the next 30 Thanksgiving's will bring?  I know that they will always include my thankful heart and the joy that I'm looking for....because after all.....it's just a day in the life.  Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy 4th Birthday in Heaven my beautiful mommy!

Dear Mommy

Well another year has passed and I'm not gonna lie woman, I am missing you more and more.  It's supposed to get easier but for me it's harder than ever.  I was driving the other day and feeling so lonely and I needed to talk to someone and everyone I could think of would not have been able to answer, or would not have answered and I thought....I could ALWAYS call my mom she would always answer.  Thank you for those signs that day.  I knew you heard me!  Thank you for showing RJ
you are around him too, that is so important!  Keep watching over Daddy and helping him, he's doing so well and I know you're behind that.

You are a great grandmother and I'm sure you are watching over little JBC and loving her laugh and her beautiful cheeks.  Keep guiding their beautiful family.   The Bella is getting married next year and I'm sure you were with her when she got engaged and bought her house and got her dress....continue to keep her on this path of happiness she is walking.  Please keep watching over your namesake.  She is so beautiful, inside and out, and she is starting another huge transformation period in her life, stay by her side.  Stay vigilant with Pickolaus as he grows and becomes the incredible man he's becoming.  Help him continue to make good choices and follow his heart.

Stay with my oldest and keep him strong.  Help him stay the path and keep doing what he's doing  Thank you for guiding him back to me and his siblings.  It is the best part of this year so far for sure! And my beautiful princess....how she misses you!  Thank you for drying her tears and hearing her prayers and wishes.   She doesn't always open up to me, but I know between you and her brother she always has open ears to listen to her.  Help her continue to stay true to the beautiful soul that she is.

And last but not least......DTM.  He's getting married tomorrow mommy!  Married!  our little man.  Mommy please please please be with us all tomorrow.  He's got a seat saved in the front row for you.  He is so happy mom...they are so in love.  They remind me so much of you and daddy.  Praise God for that.  He is such an incredible man.  Thank you for always seeing the good behind his mischief.   For always seeing his kind heart and being such a huge part of his life.  Please continue to be apart of their marriage and their lives.  Keep his beautiful wife under your wing and guide her to be the best wife possible for our little man.

We got news this week that you might be getting some company up there.  I'm sure you're aware.  Please welcome her with open arms and make her some lintzer tarts to celebrate her being reunited with the love of her life!  Please comfort her children and grandchildren as they learn to cope

I miss you mommy....life is so different than what I thought it would be.  Please help me adjust to all these crazy changes.  What I would give to talk to you one more time.  I could really use my mommy right about now.   Although I know you're always here it's just not the same.  Please work your magic and keep us all healthy and strong the way you made us!  I love you mommy.  Happy 84th birthday beautiful angel.  I miss you xoxox

And a man shall leave his mother and a .....now wait JUST a minute!

The famous wedding song, There is Love....the words have been going on in my head over and over with my youngest son's wedding just a few days away.  "And a man shall leave his mother, and a woman leave her home....they shall travel on to where the two shall be as one".  Ok, first of all I never noticed before how one sided that is.  I used to think it was because the woman didn't leave her family, (because as that annoying phrase says "a son is a son until he takes a wife but a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life"  )  however.....for this mother....it means so much.  My son isn't leaving home, he is leaving his mother because she's the home to him.  Well, my son left home a few months back....but leave me?  No way.  Not a day goes by that we aren't in communication.  I don't see that ending any time ever.  He called me the other day with some concerns/frustrations he just wanted to vent.  Sometimes you just need your mom.  It doesn't matter what gender you are!  I have long in depth conversations with my sons consistently and my daughter, she's quieter.  She prefers to solve things on her own without talking about it right away.  I had a conversation with a friend the other day.  His mother was in the hospital and has been struggling for some time now.  She told him she was tired and didn't want to do this anymore.  He was beside himself at the thought of losing her.  I relate to that.  First of all because I know his mother and I love her so very deeply myself.  But also, because I'm missing my own mom so much right now some days I don't think I can bear it.  Yesterday I was driving and just crying my eyes out to the point where I almost had to pull over.  And I looked up and there was a rainbow....and the song came in my head "Somewhere over the rainbow....bluebirds fly"....it was my mom.  I instantly knew it was all going to be okay. And driving home after that the rainbow ended at my house.   Thank you mommy.

I've been having this overwhelming feeling of wanting to go home lately.  I found this article and it says you can be homesick for a time and place that no longer exists.  That seemed to be so accurate for me.  The many seemingly rapid changes in my life and realizations of things that will never be again have been too much for me.  I don't even know where I'm going with this....oh yes, sons leaving their mothers. This morning started with a group text from my son saying See you all tomorrow with an obnoxious Sponge Bob meme.  Omg my daughter freaked out, she thought he wasn't coming until Tuesday.  I was getting a pedicure this morning while my daughter was getting her nails done for the wedding and my phone started blowing up with my son asking me to tell his sister to pick up her phone!  I told him I HAD her phone she was getting her nails done.   As soon as she was done she grabbed her phone, went outside and was face timing her brother.  He's not leaving anyone! I will admit that I see a difference now that he and his soon to be bride are living on their own.  They are even more of a unit and even though they are part of us, they are their own family.  That's how it's supposed to be!  But that doesn't mean you have to lose one to gain the other. 

The signs keep coming too.  Today on Facebook an old friend of my brothers posted a video of John Denver's "Sunshine on my Shoulders" which is my song with my youngest son.  I was instantly transported back to his nursery and was in the rocking chair with him in my arms and singing that song to him.  The tears were streaming down my face but I have such joy in my heart that we are at the place we are right now.  He is set to marry the love of his life in 4 short days.  His entire future is brightly ahead of him.  That's what I wished for on that day so long ago when I first sang that song to him!

I just tried on my dress again for the wedding and I burst into tears.  No, I don't look THAT bad 😉 truthfully?  Thinking of seeing both of my sons up there at the altar in their tuxedos, together on that day just makes me weak in the knees.  This time last year we didn't think that would happen.  So many things are not as we thought they would be at this moment in time.  Some better than expected, some undeniably heartbreaking, but no matter what it will be a perfect day for them.  A day they will cherish for the rest of their lives. It will be so much more than a day in the life.

You are more than your paycheck......

Today is Friday....game day.  I dropped my daughter at school dressed in her cheer uniform.  We don't talk on the 5 minute ride to school.  She's usually pretty cranky in the morning and truth be told I'm not a ray of sunshine lately either.  I picked her up 7 hours later and a different girl got in my car.  She was yelling over her shoulder at the football players gathered at the door, there was a pep in her step.  She got in the car all smiles.  I said "you love that uniform don't you?"  She laughed and said it gave her confidence.  Not because she belongs to me but my daughter is stunning.  She's the whole package....gorgeous, smart, funny, fit.....yet she needs a uniform to give her confidence?!?!  I thought back to my son and baseball.  He had a certain swagger when he was wearing his uniform....hmmm  maybe I'm on to something.  Then I got to thinking about all those years when I was a stay at home mom and people would as me "What do you do?"  What do I DO?   Ummmm I'm a stay at home mom.  Instantly their eyes would glaze over and they would go on to someone else to have a conversation with.  Oh, I'm SORRY....is raising decent human beings not enough of a goal or "career?"  I didn't really give it much thought until I was divorced AND still a stay at home mom.  Yea, people had a field day with that one.  I used to wonder how and why people put so much emphasis on their career.  Shouldn't you work to live, not live to work?  Shouldn't your self worth be based on the type of person you are, not how you earn a living?.I hadn't had a "real job" in nearly 24 years so I thought maybe I was uneducated   Well all of that changed this year.  I'm out in the "real" world working.  I love my job, most days.  It's a huge adjustment for me and my kids.  My son was here a few weeks back and I was cooking and on the computer and answering calls and texts at the same time.  I would hang up and my phone would ring again.  He flipped his head around and said "Is this for REAL?"  I couldn't help but laugh...I said this is my life now dude....I'm multi tasking all over the place.  But is my job so important?  Well to the owners and guests I take care of....if I didn't do it then yes it would be.  But am I really making a difference in the world by how I earn a living?  No....and unless you are a teacher, or a doctor or a soldier, or police officer etc.....neither are you!  You might be making a difference in your job but it's by the interaction you have with the people you deal with.  It's not your job that's making a difference-----its you as a human being!

I have always been someone who needs to do everything "right" and be the best at whatever it is I'm doing.  Now since the Pinterest days have come around I no longer make the best looking anything out there (except children 😉) and I'm okay with that.  It's not important to me what other people think.  So long as I know I've done my best that's all I can do..  Now with that being said my challenge in my job is that sometimes no matter what I do my best won't be good enough for someone.  I'm learning to be okay with that.  But do I place my self worth on my job?  Absolutely not!  My self worth comes from the relationships I have in life, in giving my all to everything I do.  It comes from having people I love and who love me.  It makes me sad that people brag about how busy they are and what they did during the work day.  Really?  Well what are you doing when you get home....you know...to the people who are supposed to be the ones who matter most?  Too tired to interact with them?  Still thinking about what happened at work?  Why?  I just don't get it....and I never will....and that....is just a day in the life...

Life's what you make it so let's make it right.....

Lately I have been realizing that God answers prayers in His way, not ours.  I prayed for my tire situation to be fixed about a month ago and my hubcap was snapped off and disappeared...no clue how or when but that tire light issue went away.  I prayed for God to change my son's heart towards me and his siblings....well, he went through hell and back but that prayer has been answered.  He is back in the fold of our family and his hugs every day give me strength and comfort like they used to.  We have long conversations and I see the boy that I raised coming through after many years of disconnect and darkness.  I asked him for a hug the other day and there were tears in my eyes.  He asked what was wrong and I said "Everything's changing"....he said like what?  I said I couldn't explain it.  He asked "Do you want to talk about it?"  That...that is my son.  The one I prayed SO hard for his return.  I said no but I thanked him....and then viola candy appeared on the counter after his next trip to the store.  It took solid years of praying and a very trying and painful time for him (and all of us) for him to return....but whatever it took I'm so grateful for that answered prayer. 

A few weeks back I was talking to my friend Jill and telling her that I missed my cream filling son.  That things were different when he was home.  I hadn't cooked since he left because my other two kids don't eat regular meals.  I cook and it lasts for a week.  It made me sad.  They are also more quiet and to themselves and my younger son and I talk about EVERYTHING all the time.  Well.....later that same day he called about evacuating for the hurricane.  He put me on speaker because he wanted to leave that day and my daughter in love wanted to wait until the next day.  She said call your mom!  She's not an alarmist so whatever she says I'll go with.  (Have I mentioned how much I LOVE THAT GIRL!).  Well after discussing it they decided to leave that day.  Within 24 hours of me uttering the words I wish he was here......he was.  Now, was it a perfect answer?  NO! They had to evacuate their home and they were scared to death.  But....those days together....all of us...reconnecting....were so needed and so priceless....I had to say "Thank you God!"  That time together also showed me that life had changed....they were their own unit, tighter than ever, and although I love having them close they can no longer live with me the way they used to.  They have made their own life and home and that's the way it is meant to be.  It was definitely a visit that needed to happen.

My point in all this ramble is that I've learned that I need to trust God always....even when I don't understand why.  Even when I don't necessarily like His methods.  Even in the time of grief and loss and pain...there is a reason.  And just because all of my prayers aren't answered that doesn't mean I'm not blessed beyond measure.  So, the next time you are angry or hurt or think you're alone.....remember......God's plan is always best.  And during those times don't forget to be grateful for all the prayers that have been answered and the ones that will be answered in the future....because today?  It's just a day in the life.....

You're everything I wish I was.....You're everything I hope to be....

I'm not sure how it happened but tomorrow is my baby girl's first day of high school.  She's my third and my last child. It's true what they say, unfortunately, that the firsts aren't as huge with the last as they are with the first.  I don't recognize the mother I was 24 years ago when I became a mother.  She was intense, scared, obsessed....the mom I see looking in the mirror today is just as passionate about her job just more relaxed.  I think, back then I felt that every milestone was taking my babies away from me.  Every first meant a last, and I had a tendency to focus on that too much.  With my baby girl I haven't done that....at ALL.  Maybe that's why I've enjoyed her childhood that much more....maybe that's why my memories are a blur sometimes....or maybe it's just because she's truly been a joy from the moment she took her first breath.  Regardless....this is a huge milestone in her life and I want to celebrate her.

She's not easy to celebrate.  Not because she's not fabulous....because she IS....more than anyone really knows.  It's because she asks for nothing.  She needs very little to be happy.  It's funny because sometimes I look at her and I just see me.  The best version of myself.  She's the evolved me.  The calmer me. The smarter me.  The peaceful me.  Who knows if it's her make up or the fact that I was very different when I gave birth to her.  My journey in the last nearly 15 years since she's been alive has been different then with my sons.  Maybe it's because she's a girl....but I don't think so.  I've heard horror stories from my friends about their daughters growing up, the defiance and attitude.  But maybe because I didn't argue with her over little things...I learned the hard lessons from my sons.  Either way she's amazing.  She's funny and smart and beautiful and flexible and incredible.  And as she prepares to start high school I just feel overwhelmed at how she handles everything.

I was going to give you a brief rundown of her last 14 years but as I started typing it it was too much.  She's been through A LOT lets just put it mildly.  And yet, she is happy every day.  She's level headed and adaptable.  She's kind and forgiving and beautiful inside and out.  She shows so few people the side of her that her brothers and I get to see.  To the rest of the world she seems quiet and reserved.  I love that about her!  She saves her best self for those she loves.  Her teachers must see some of it because they adore her, I saw that first hand when they saw that she wasn't moving to North Carolina as we originally thought. Which brings me to my cream filling son, who did move to North Carolina.  He was worried that he'd lose the closeness with his sister, because she's (like her mother) out of sight out of mind for the most part.  She's difficult to have texting or phone conversations with.  He made her promise not to shut him out and she's done her best to make sure their connection is still strong.  She's working on reconnecting with her oldest brother and to navigate the differences in these men that love her more than I've ever seen brothers love their sister.  They are her indicator of how a man should treat her.  Thank God, because they treat her like the treasure she is.  Many times as she was growing up I had to remind her brothers that she was learning about the male/female relationship from them.  She couldn't learn from her father and me because thankfully that relationship ended before she was old enough to remember.  I will never forget the day I got the strength to finally end my marriage----I looked over at my sweet little girl playing in her dollhouse and I thought....what am I teaching her?  What is she going to think marriage looks like? Two people who barely speak, don't touch and never do anything together?  No!  I would not give her that example. She's seen first hand what a relationship can be from watching her brother and future sister in law.  That was probably the best example she could have gotten over the last 4 years.  That is what I want for her. 

As she starts high school I wish her joy, I wish her a sense of belonging, I wish her the fairy tale romance she craves of meeting her future husband, I wish her a sense of purpose and fun and friends who love and support her but most of all I wish her the strength to continue to stay true to the amazing human being she is and for her to remain close to me and her brothers, always.  I wish her a future that matches the light inside of her and smooth waters ahead. I said to her "You are everything I wish I was" and she replied...."You're everything I hope to be"....and that.....is just a day in MY life.....a really amazing day.....

Where are you going my little one....

Well, it's official.  My youngest son moved to North Carolina yesterday.  It was not a pretty scene and I have not seen an improvement yet.  They left and I looked at my daughter and said "and then there were two".  I was expecting to be okay after saying goodbye.  I was convinced the goodbye part was the hard part.  I was an idiot.  As I type this tears are streaming down my face and I can't breathe.  I tried to keep busy yesterday.  I put the new headboard on my bed at the new house, started to assemble to TV stand.  Nothing is going well and everything seems to be a struggle at the new house.  From getting my gate bar code to work to nothing fitting or matching in the new space.  I figure I better take a step back before I taint that space with negative vibes.  So, we slept at the old house again last night.  Just my daughter and me and Zoey our very confused dog.  As I opened my eyes this morning I realized....I don't want to leave this house.  It's too final.  It's the final connection to what once was.  The four of us in one place.  I'm not ready.  We moved here with such hopes and dreams....the Fab Four and our two pups.  I'm leaving this home with my daughter and only one of the pups.  Two years have wreaked havoc with change in this family.  I know it's all for the best (minus poor Roxie).  My sons are men now.  Strong, capable, handsome, sensitive men.  They are moving on to the next phase of their lives and I'm so very very proud of them.  And I'm excited for them.  But I'm mourning the last phase of my life.  The phase that was the biggest part of my 53 years on this earth.  I talked to my oldest son for an hour or so last night and he was so very sweet.  Trying so hard to understand my emotions and be there for me.  While we were talking my younger son started a family group chat for the four of us so we can keep each other updated and stay connected.   I want them back.  I want them close to me again.  Not in the same house but at least in the same state.  No one prepared me for this phase of life.  I guess I was truly living in the moment and not thinking about what lies ahead.  My daughter said, in her wisdom, "well of course not mommy.  No one hands you a baby and says ok, but remember they're going to grow up and leave!"  I know this is all for the best.  I know my sons are strong and they are adaptable and they are brave enough to explore different places and experiences and I'm so very proud of them for that (and so many other things) but they aren't just my sons.....they're my very best friends.  They are my favorite people in the whole world.  How lucky am I?  But how very painful is this....I truly have never experienced a broken heart until now.   My spirit is broken at the moment.  My hope and faith and strength....all broken.  I want to shut out the world and have a "jammie" day, which is what we used to do when they were little.  But I can't.  Life has not only changed for them, it has for me as well.  I'm on my own and the only one who can get stuff done.  And there is a lot to get done because at the moment I have two houses that have basically crap all over the place.  Who is going to fix that?  Me.  I've done it so many times before but this time....this time is different.  I'm broken and tired and I want it all to go away.  I look around and think how the hell am I going to do this all by myself.  But I will, I always do.  My daughter is a HUGE help, but she's still young and a teenager who is on summer break and sleeps....A LOT  lol.  Plus I have a new job that needs to be my priority.  I am still getting used to it and I can't just stop my world anymore.  It's all good.  I know this in my heart and soul.  But right now?  At this moment?  I just am struggling to breathe.  But then I know.....it's just a day in the life.

When your heart belongs to two people at the same time

Can you love two men at the same time?  Truly love.  With all of your heart and soul? Unconditionally?

There are two men that have my heart.  One is tall and thin and has light hair and light eyes.   He's serious and quiet.  He's contemplative and still figuring himself out.  Our relationship has been bumpy and volatile at times.   My love for him has never wavered.  His love for me however has disappeared a few times.... buried under anger and blame.   It's always there deep down but sometimes I fear it will be lost forever.   We have these intense, life altering conversations that leave me a better person. I can share my internal work and spiritual thoughts with him and he shares lessons with me.   He has made me face a side of myself that isn't always easy but it's necessary.  I feel blessed that he is in my life and that I am one of the few people he allows into his world.  He had my heart first.   He captured it so abruptly and so completely I never thought I could love anyone else  that way ever again in my life.  I was wrong.

There's another man that also has my heart.  Just as strongly and completely.   My relationship with him is easier.   He's more muscular and he's got dark wavy hair and dark soft eyes.   He and I speak the same language.  He's charming and out going and I always know what he's thinking and feeling.  We lean on each other and have this connection no one else can understand. He's my biggest fan and I never have to doubt his love or his presence in my life.   He lets me know how much he needs and loves me always.   He has my back and never waivers in his devotion to me and allows my love and devotion to him exactly as it is.   He never asks me to be someone I'm not.   He shows me the best part of myself and I'm blessed and grateful every day that we have each other.

So how can I choose?  Torn between these incredible men?  It seems an impossible choice.... One that no one would ever be able to make.  And thankfully.....I don't have to.   I get to love them both.... have them both.... exactly as it is.  I don't have to limit anything or change my love for either.   How you ask?   Well it's simple..... they're my sons.... and I'm the luckiest woman alive to be their mom.

Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride....

I've had enough change.  I'm ready for some stability.  After deciding to stay in Florida and coming to terms with the fact that my creme filling son will be 10 hours away, an opportunity for him to stay here in Florida came up.  I truly had to ask God what in the world was He doing to us?  Why all the pain?  Why all the confusion and changes in direction?  It makes me doubt everything I thought I knew.  I truly don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, never mind the future that I thought was so clear.  I was free falling and grasping for some form of certainty.

I went with my son the other day to order the Tuxedos for his wedding. Even the list of who is getting fitted for tuxedos was uncertain.  I was really trying to hold it together and be strong....for him.  Because I know he's struggling with leaving his sister and me.  Between us, it's killing me too but I can't let him see that.  He needs to know I support him and I'm going to be okay.  But then he feels like he's the only one who is struggling and I don't want him thinking that.  So....I'm walking a tightrope.  I'm confident in my decision to stay in Florida.  I'm enjoying my new job and I'm excited about the new opportunities.  But the thought of packing up that truck and driving up to North Carolina makes me physically sick.  Like weak in the knees sick.  I know it's what is best for them...I think it's best for them.  I pray it's best for them.  But then this chance for promotion here comes up for him and I'm thinking WTF?  Maybe it's not!  So I try to stay out of it.  But there is the uncertainty again...are they staying are they going....I had just gotten my head and heart around them leaving.  They've decided today to definitely go and continue with their plan.  When my son comes to hug me now we hold on a little tighter and a little longer and we fight back the tears.  Last night he said to me "You can come!"  I said "You can stay!"  and he said that wasn't the deal and I surrender..."You're right" I said...".I'm sorry I broke the deal."  If I'm being honest, I know this is necessary.  But 10 hours?  Ok, ok...it's ok.  But he's struggling and feeling lost and it's killing me.  Neither one of us saw this coming.  We never thought we'd live so far away from each other.  So many things we never thought would be at this time in life.  And hearing everyone say that we're too close and we need to cut the cord was pissing us off, honestly.  No one knows what we've been through together.  No one knows how we get each other.  And truth be told we HAVE cut the cord.  These last few months we  haven't shared all the details of our lives like we used to.  We were both preparing for this next phase.  Of course we thought the next phase was him moving out and getting married. But jeez, 10 hours?  Really?  Alright then.....we'll make it work.  I'm getting used to the people I love most not being part of my daily life. I'm not sure why I have to but it's what's been dealt.

Tomorrow my daughter graduates middle school.  I feel badly for her because it seems that everything big that happens in her life is overshadowed by some other situation.  I'm determined to make this her day....it's just one more change and new normal to get used to.  And as I look forward to this unknown future and try to stay grounded in the present moment I remind myself it's just a day in the life.....

Happy Mothers Day

Everyone tries to prepare you for the sleepless nights,  endless diaper changes,  the terrible twos and all that becoming a mother entails.   No one prepares you for the time when they grow up and you're no longer under the same roof.   You know why?  Because if they did... if you knew the heart wrenching agony you'd feel at that time?  The human race would cease to exist.   You wouldn't sign up for it. Or maybe it is just me. 

In my mind, all these years I thought of my kids and I as a unit.   As one entity.   Our family. I remember when my oldest was getting ready to leave for college it occurred to me that my role was changing from that of a key player to supporting role in his life.   I was ok with that.   What made me physically sick was the thought of not seeing him every day and him never living under the same roof again.   It used to wake me up out of a sound sleep and make me cry at the drop of a hat. What worried me was that I knew my oldest wasn't one to text often, let alone call, but I knew this had to happen.  He needed to go and be independent.   Fast forward two years and he was back living with me and my amnesia returned about the fact that we all wouldn't be living together forever returned.   Fast forward 3 years and the realization hit me again.   I would sob when I'd go into his room.   A thought of him could bring me to my knees.   But things were not rosy with him before he left and a new normal ensued.   Funny how life does that.

Well my creme filling son is getting married.   So I was preparing for him to move out.  This time is harder.   We are ridiculously close.  He and his sister are Buddies.  When he left for college nearly two years ago I cried in pain at the thought of not seeing his face every day.... But he is a communicator.   Facetime... calls... texts... every day.   It made it bearable.   But this time he's getting married,  To an amazing young woman I might add.  It's different.   So as you read in my last blog we were all moving to North Carolina this summer.   So we would be living in different houses but close enough to have weekly dinners.   They went up there... signed their lease and returned excited and happy.   I kept getting this feeling that I wasn't going with them.   It was weird, but I had gotten an offer from My boss for a new position but I had no intention of taking it.   Well.... he made me an offer I was really struggling to refuse.

My daughter was away on a school trip...a first for her being away from me.   My relationship with her is so different then that of my sons.  I did realize that we are all codependent on each other.   We are each other's best friends.  We live in this happy solitude of comfort in knowing we support and love each other and GET each other.   It's a happy place.   My son's future wife who I will refer to as my bonus daughter has slipped right into the pack and finds comfort there as well. 

So, I decided to take a solo trip up to NC on a whim before I made my decision.   I have never taken a trip alone before and I felt like it was a stepping stone to this new world of solitude I was being thrown into. I realized so much on that 10 hour car ride.  So much about myself,  my relationship with my children,  my future, each one of my kids individually,  my past,  what I wanted in life,  what I needed in life and what I couldn't avoid facing anymore. My entire life has been dedicated to being a mom.   That was my chosen career.   But no one warned me about the phase out period when your job becomes obsolete.  You never truly retire but you become someone called in for special projects from time to time. And if you've done your job well and if you're really really lucky you get to sit back and watch the company that you've built flourish and thrive and know that you were there at the foundation of it.  Hell you ARE the foundation of

I've decided to remain in Florida....so I not only won't be living in the same home I'll be 10 hours away by car from my creme filling son.   My oldest is in California at the moment but he's thinking about returning to Arizona.  I had a conversation with him yesterday about how devastated I am that The Fab Four is no longer. And he said it's okay woman we can have Fab Four Kick-Ass vacations and reunions. And that's the next phase I suppose.   When I told my son and future daughter-in-law that I've made my decision they looked so sad. I told them that they would be fine better than fine. That this was necessary for their next stage of life as well. I told them that that first night in their new place was going to be the most incredible feeling and even though they would have mixed emotions they're starting their life together and it's all beginning for them! Every beginning is another beginnings end.   And my oldest son said to me yesterday painful endings are the way to happy beginnings.  He's pretty smart that boy.... man.... and for me? It's just a day in the life. ..

Happy Mother's Day!

If that's moving up than I'm.....moving out

Here we go again.  Another semi big move.  I didn't see it coming.  Just like the others.  Arizona?  One snowy Saturday afternoon in February--- we have to get out of here. 10 months later truck was loaded. Florida?  A day at the beach in July...the feeling hits me, I think I'm supposed to live here. 12 months later, truck was loaded.  This time?  Another day in February....it landed on our hearts....this is not where we belong--a month later we decided-North Carolina it is!  Truck will be loaded  in June.  And that brings me to today.  Moving is like giving birth.  You develop blissful amnesia about what it actually takes to get from point a to point b.  Heads together over the kitchen table and laptops today, notes made, phone calls done, trucks booked.  I have the sense of fear and dread in my gut.  I know that God will work out the details and logistics but I look around at what I thought was my simplistic, bare minimal living and I realize....we STILL have a LOT of stuff.  I'm almost paralyzed with fear.  I'm tired.  I'm really really tired.  More worn out than tired.  But, ain't nobody got time for that.

I look around at the empty walls.  I'm brought back to the first day I walked into this home and all the hopes and dreams that surrounded that move.  I truly thought life was just beginning.  That this was not my forever home by any means but I truly felt that good things and blessings would fill this home.  At this moment, I look around and I'm filled with sadness.  Sadness about the broken dreams that came here to die.  The firsts and lasts that occurred within the confines of these walls.  I'm gripped with grief and pain and I'm in tears within a split second.  Normally I don't have attachment to homes. When I moved out of the first house we owned, the house that I brought 2 of my 3 babies home to, left the state I lived for the first nearly 40 years of my life I barely blinked.  Even the home in Arizona that we had built and I picked every color and fixture in and had brand new everything---I walked out of that house and never looked back.  It was just a building.  The most important memories of that home came with me....literally---my 3 children.  We were starting a new chapter.  The fab four was born. The next home was the first one that I managed alone.  Every decision in that house was mine and mine alone.  I loved it.  Every single moment of that, it was something that needed to happen for my personal growth.  My individual soul purpose.  And when we decided to move to Florida we were all very excited and filled with hope and dreams of a better future.  What happened?  This house is giving me more mixed emotions than I've ever experienced when leaving a dwelling.  This is the last home that I will have lived in with all of my children.  I can't even type that without the tears flowing.  Wow.  I hate this house for that reason.  The fab four ended in this house.  It had to happen, it's part of life, but it hurts way too much to ignore it.  I'm ready for the next chapter.  I am. But I'm still extremely emotional. Having adult children is certainly different and sometimes painful, but it is also a whole new dynamic and relationship that we get to develop.  I was not happy here in Florida, truth be told.  I never felt at home.  I didn't learn the roads and relied instead on the GPS 2 years later.  I did not make one friend.  Not one.  I had dreams of future things happening here and that's what kept me going.  When I realized time was running out before my baby girl was starting high school I was forced to make some serious decisions.  I was determined to be settled somewhere before she started.  So...after weighing my options I decided to move.  And as soon as I made that decision I felt like a weight was lifted off of me.  It was time.

So, here we are.  The living room is full of boxes.  The cabinets are mostly emptied.  The 1st of 2 moving trucks are booked.  The knot in my stomach that will stay there until we are finally moved in is in place.  Now what?  I pull up my big girl panties and I move forward like I always do.  But it's getting old to be honest.  I'm ready for the good stuff.  And don't get me wrong, I am very very blessed.  There were many amazing firsts in this home.  Ones that I will hold in my heart for the rest of my days.  There was a lot of laughter and love along the way. And that is what I'm trying to focus on.  And looking forward to the good things the move brings.  And keeping my heart in the present moment....because after all....it's just a day in the life.

When a girl changes from bobby socks to stockings....

Today is my baby girl's first formal dance.  I've been very relaxed during her growing up phases.  Much more so than that of my sons.  Mostly because I AM a girl so I enjoy reliving moments of my life with her and remembering how I felt and talking about it all with her.  I have been more or less in denial I think of the fact that she's my baby.  Throughout this whole process of the 8th grade I've been in a robotic state as she came home with information about the 8th grade trip and Gradventure and the formal and the Luau and all the other fun things they have planned.  I was excited for her and basically just followed her lead.  OK, what do you need for this?  OK, let's get this or do that.  Today.....it's hitting me.  Oh shit, like a ton of bricks.  She's growing up!  She's not that little girl anymore.  She mentioned yesterday about how I used to do her hair for dance competitions and we'd spray it like 24 times before she went on stage.  How I'd do her mascara and she'd blink.  She reminded me of how I'd put Nair on her legs and use this newfangled hair removal thing when she was 5 because the hair poking through her tights made her self conscious.  Wow.  I hadn't remembered those days in a long time.  Now?  I basically just show up and pay for things.  She has her own style and taste and vision of what she wants it to look like....my opinion and assistance is no longer needed.  I've still been so wrapped up in her brothers lives (because they do still need me) that I was more or less relieved that she was so easy.  But now?  That she reminded me of the days when I was needed so much....I'm really sad today.  There was a time that this formal would have meant I had to set aside a whole day to prepare her.  I would have had everything laid out the morning of ready to go and I'd set aside extra time in case of wardrobe malfunctions or hair that wouldn't curl or makeup debacles.  Today?  Her future sister in law is doing her make up and I'm taking her to get her hair done. She did her own nails last night.  I'm kind of an extra.  Then I realized in 2 weeks or so I'm going to be dropping her off at school and she's going to be taking a bus and an airplane and going to a Broadway play....without me.  What was I thinking agreeing to all of this?  Then she has a trip to Universal Studios with her class and she's going to be riding all those extreme roller coasters and I won't be there to see the exhilaration on her face.  This is just the beginning. 

See, when the boys had these firsts I always had other kids who needed me and distractions.  At the moment I have no distractions and no one else who needs my attention.  At first I was like woo hoo me time!  Today?  I'm just sad.  I ran into my creme filling son at the store yesterday and we were chatting in the aisles and then walked out to the cars together and went our separate ways.  It made me realize that in a few short months he won't be coming through the door every day anymore.  We won't be living in the same house again.  He's excited to start this next phase of his life, but (like me) he's also struggling with the ending of this one.

I just envisioned my life to be so different when this phase came.  I was actually looking forward to it not too long ago.  But, things change and the only choice we have is to go along or be dragged.  Because no matter what you want or envision life goes on, with or without you.  So enjoy the good times and try not to focus on the bad.  Because after all, it's just a day in the life.

What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me?

I'm a tough bitch.  No... that's not right.  I'm a STRONG bitch....that's better.  I'm still a marshmallow somewhere inside when surrounded by the right people.  The walls that I worked so hard to break down are now back up, higher than ever.  Funny how that works....how quickly they go back up.  I started my day yesterday having a shouting match with my daughter.  Yes, I'm as surprised as you are.  We're best friends.  We talk about everything, her friends tell her how lucky she is to have me.  And I don't need ANYONE to tell me how lucky I am to have her...she's the best.  My kids are the first ones to notice when the walls go up.  I'm different, even around them.  I'm distant and cold and removed.  Not myself at all.  Even when I'm smiling and laughing they see the difference.  They FEEL the difference.  You see....I have the ability to love so deeply that those that receive that love feel it to their core.  It oozes from my pores and it touches everything around me.  It's something I didn't even realize until someone brought it to my attention.  I assumed everyone was the same as I am.  No.  That's apparently not the case.  But the problem with loving like that is that you give the people you love the ability to destroy you.  Crush you like a bug.  And sometimes, if you're not careful, you don't recover, or if you do you are changed for life.  That is what happened to me....before I became stingy with who I give that love to .  Oh, don't get me wrong, I love and I'm generous and kind and supportive to anyone I take the time to have a conversation with.  But THAT love?  No.  That doesn't get passed out anymore.  In fact, the people who get THAT love...the love that gives them the ability to destroy me (and me to trust them not to) that goes to less than 5 people now.  I struggle with it still.  There are people that have gotten that love in the past that still know how to manipulate me and push my buttons and those old familiar feelings of guilt and pain and sadness threaten to overcome me.  But luckily, those people who still get that love pull me right back where I belong.They set me straight.

Yesterday morning...the reason for the shouting match?  I was treating my daughter as if she was like the ones that have destroyed me in the past.  That fear of her possibly becoming that causes me to sometimes keep her at arms length.  It causes me to keep my creme filling son there sometimes too but he won't allow it.  He smashes that wall down before it gets built.  He knows me that well, he sees it...thank God, even before I do.  We are all facing tremendous changes and have been for the last year.  But this year we know the changes are coming and even though we're excited about them, they are still tough issues to face. Another big move and all the change and uncertainty that comes with that. It's causing us to all have an underlying tension behind the smiles and the laughter.  Normally I would be convinced that nothing would break us.  But, this past year I've had a few people make me doubt everything....including my inner knowing and my belief that love conquers all.  That nothing could break something so strong and beautiful.  Nothing lasts forever.  This year has taught me not to share everything that goes on inside of me (yea, you read my blog can you imagine there's more than this lol) with anyone.  My journal has become my go to person.  It's where I let out all the things I don't trust myself to say, the things I don't want to admit to another soul anymore.  Where I relive those moments of pain and doubt and beat myself up for what I should have or could have done differently.  Where I ask....how the hell did I get here?  Why ?  Then I wipe my tears and I open up my other journal where I thank God for all my blessings, because there are many.  I pray and meditate and turn my thoughts to those.  The good things in life.  I have a home, I have 3 people living in this house that would do anything for me and love me no matter what, I have a sister that picks up my pieces more times than I can count, my dad---who gives me hope and strength, my bosses who have become my family-who check on me and get worried if I don't answer them (because apparently my first name is reliable 😉) my cousin JeanMarie who always checks on me when she feels I'm off, Jilly who is there for me no matter what, Kimmy who always reaches out at the perfect time, like she feels my emotions....and through everything in my heart I have the one person who I love unconditionally for the first time in my life I truly know what unconditional love is....how lucky am I? 

For those people who have chosen not to come along on this crazy ride of mine...who have distanced themselves or cut me out of their lives completely....and for those that I've cut out of mine....I send love and light and the hope that one day you'll hold a mirror up and see that maybe you're not perfect and that no matter what I've never pretended to be someone I'm not...can you say the same?  Love me or leave me.....it's just a day in the life.

All my sorrows....sad tomorrows...take me back....to my old home

One of the best things about remaining friends with your ex is that you can ask them honest questions about what your flaws are and they'll answer them.  They have nothing to lose.  My ex husband and I aren't what I'd call friends, but we are very amicable and civil to each other.  We also are there for each other when needed.  For example when our moms passed away.  We offered a shoulder for each other and really helped each other out.  I asked him today what the best part about being married to me was and the worst part as well.  The best part was sweet to hear and nice that he recognized it.  The worst part was really eye opening for me and truly helped me realize something I didn't even know was being perceived that way.  Something for me to work on and I was truly grateful for the information.  Then he told me he was seeing someone and asked me to tell the kids.  Oy vey...some things never change.  But hey, I opened up the can of worms.  Very typical of our marriage and explains a lot about why we are divorced ;)

My oldest son came to me the other day with a chocolate bar in hand.  He gave me a huge hug and told me he loved me.  He said "ya know what Woman?  We are survivors.  No matter how many times we get knocked down we always get back up again and we always have each other's backs"  Interesting.  Especially coming from him.  I was glad to see he felt that way.  Time heals wounds and my relationship with him has gone through hell and back, but he knows that I will always be there for him and that means a lot to me.

THAT ENTRY WAS WRITTEN LAST FEBRUARY 2017

Funny because I had a very long and deep conversation with my ex yesterday and decided to write about it and I came across this in my draft folder.  Hmmm. funny how life changes yet stays the same.  As I write this my oldest son and I don't have a relationship.  He's living with his dad and isn't speaking to his siblings or myself.  So much for always having each other's backs.  His siblings and I will always have his back.  If he were to pick up the phone today to call or text us we would answer it. The reverse is not true.  He would ignore all of us. That being said my younger two kids don't have a relationship with their father at the moment.  Well, my daughter hasn't had one in 6 years, but it's new for my creme filling son.  He asked me to reach out to his father for some information he needed yesterday and I did.  It lead to another soul searching, eye opening conversation between my ex husband and me.  I see things so clearly with him now and being detached from any feelings towards him or any need to spend any time with him.  I don't bite at his comments that I know are leading me to have a negative conversation. He trusts me and I'm one of the only people in his life he can vent to.  Sorry...I don't want to be that person anymore and I've learned how to avoid those conversations. I can also say anything to him and I don't have to worry about him taking it wrong or getting offended.  He also knows my history and I know his. There is a comfort in that.  It was nice to be appreciated for my input and being able to be honest in a way that I was afraid to be when we were married.

After what I thought was the end of our conversation he sent me a you tube video and told me he couldn't get this song out of his head. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xTeI65yrhGw 
It broke my heart.  No one should live with regret.  It also reminded me to live in the moment, look forward to the future and forget the past. You never know what the the future holds, I'm sure no one says their wedding vows and thinks that they're going to get divorced some day.  I didn't raise my children thinking that at some future moment in time they wouldn't be speaking to one another or to me or to their father.  I said to my ex that it makes me sick how broken we are, that our kids aren't speaking to each other and he said words of wisdom...."just because we're broken now doesn't mean it won't be fixed."  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Life isn't that certain to me anymore.  Things I thought for sure would happen haven't and things I never thought would happen did.  The future is uncertain, that's why I make it a point to never say never.  I also make it a point to find the good in every single situation and every day I'm lucky enough to open my eyes.  Make memories you will want to look back on and forget the ones you don't....because after all....it's just a day in the life xo

The dinner theory....sorry no catchy song lyrics for this one :)

Happy March!  Not sure how March came up so quickly this year but yet here we are!  I'm a planner.  I'm a doer.  I'm not a waiter....or a winger....I like to know what's ahead of me.  I have said my whole life I can deal with ANYTHING as long as I know what I'm dealing with!  Even when my son was diagnosed with cancer and the Dr. came in to tell us about his treatment plan....he asked my son and me when we wanted to get started...we looked at each other and said "Today?"  I loved that calendar...I loved the plan all laid out in front of us, knowing when and what was going to happen as he tackled this disease.  During that time the hardest thing was when his counts didn't line up and they had to push the treatment off a week.  You see....we planned a trip to New York for Halloween because that was going to be his prize....his thing to look forward to during this horrific time.  Eye on the prize we would say.  Working towards something motivated him.  It's always motivated me.  Knowing why I'm doing something is necessary for me to do it with my whole heart.  Having a goal and an end game is just vital. 

Last year a lot of time that I could have spent enjoying things or relaxing were spent frozen because I was waiting for something that didn't even happen.  Had I known that it wasn't happening last year I would have been okay with it, I would have gone about my life not putting things off "in case" or "until" the event was occurring.  I'd rather suffer the pain of disappointment then the agony of waiting for something that isn't going to transpire.  In my morning chat with my Maple Leaf bestie I was saying how I can't handle uncertainty.  How I can deal with anything but that.  And she said she totally got it...she said it's the dinner theory.  Ummmm huh?  HUGE question mark on my face.  'Splain please.  "The dinner theory...hang with me!  Like if I'm told when I get home that there will be spaghetti and meatballs and I walk in and there is Chinese food I'm annoyed/upset/disappointed because I was ready for Spaghetti and meatballs.  I was looking forward to spaghetti and meatballs.  I was prepared for spaghetti and meatballs."  YES!  I get it!  The dinner theory!  Works!  It's not a matter of being rigid or inflexible to life's twists and turns it's just a matter of preparation.  I like impromptu things.  For instance...speaking of the dinner theory.  I plan my menus a week in advance.  I shop based on those menus (don't judge me...I told you I like to be prepared).  Now....if Tuesday comes and I don't feel like making what was planned for Tuesday or if someone says "hey lets go out or can we have xyz instead?"  I'm all for that.  I don't mind deviating from the plan....I just like to have it there in case.  Am I making any sense here?  The plan gives me comfort.  It lets me know that I have it under control in case.   I know ultimately that God is the one in control....that even if I 'think' I know what is going to transpire and I plan for it that He can change it in the blink of an eye and that's okay by me.  Because I know His plan is way better than anything I could have imagined.  I just normally have this strong intuition that I can feel Him guide me on my path....lately He's showing me that I don't need to see the path I need to trust Him.  And I am....and I need to learn to enjoy the present moment because they don't last forever.

Yesterday I was working and my kids were helping and I told them to just go and enjoy themselves in the pool.  My son kept asking me if I was going to join them.  I said yes, in a minute...I just want to finish.  I heard them laughing outside and he sent me a picture of them in the hot tub.  I realized that so much is changing this year....including us not living in the same space by the end of the year.  I stopped what I was doing and put my bathing suit on and joined them.  We then went home and I picked up dinner on the way so that I didn't have to waste time in the kitchen (ooops the dinner theory got blown there...no burritos----fried chicken instead) and we spent the rest of the night laughing and watching This is Us (I KNOW!  BEST SHOW EVER!) and just relishing in the now.  Nothing lasts forever......it's just a day in the life......

You can go your own way....you can call it another lonely day

Sometimes doing things your own way can create a lonely existence.  But isn't it better to be lonely than force yourself to live a lie?  In talking to my bestie from the country above me, we have once again realized many things in a short conversation on her drive to work.  Life is too short to fit into other peoples molds of what it's supposed to look like.  We realized last night that some people....okay MOST people do not look at life the way we do.  We never have fluffy conversations.  We don't discuss weather or food or plans for the day or clothing.  We discuss life.  We discuss purpose.  We discuss the past and how it relates to the future and the lessons we are learning and how to become the best people we can be.  The people we are destined to become.  It blew our minds last night when we realized not everyone does this.  What do they talk about, we pondered.  How can they look at things and not try to figure out WHY the patterns repeat and WHAT they are supposed to be changing or learning from each obstacle or issue that life throws at them.  What do they DO just ignore it?  Wow. Sad.  How can life ever get better if you don't figure out what's not working and why?  This brings me to this mornings chat.

I've been having difficulty sleeping for the first time in my life.  It is mind blowing to me that people deal with this for years and years and years.  The constant thoughts running through my head, fear gripping me, recurring dreams and messages and lying there just wanting sleep and it not coming.  Wow.  My heart breaks for those who deal with that.  Am I going to just say, damn now I'm one of them?  Hell no!  I'm not going down without a fight.  I figured out the reason for this and I will find a way to fix it.  So, I'm talking to my Canadian soul sister and we're running through 700 different topics in the 30 minutes we have to chat and what the main outcome today was....the hell with the experts and the leaders and what "they" say to do.  We need to find our OWN way and what works in OUR lives....all of us!  There is no cookie cutter recipe for success or happiness.  What works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another.  And for someone to THINK that their way is the only way just proves that they are small minded and pathetic.  Sorry.  Judgmental?  Maybe.  But that's my opinion and I'm entitled to it just like everyone else is.  And these so called "experts"?  Their view is most likely deeply rooted in their opinion...remember that!  Sure there are scientific facts that are valid and should be considered, but that's not LIFE! The only scientific fact that rules life is that we are all going to die...the rest is up for interpretation.  The only person who is an expert in YOUR life is.....drum roll please......YOU.  That's right dear reader...you are the only one qualified to make the determination for what is going to work in your life.  And here's the key.....the magic ingredient.....you need to TRUST yourself. Yes...yes that's right...trust YOU.  Not Abraham Hicks or Tony Robbins or Eckhart Tolle or Oprah and not even Deepak Chopra.  YOU!  Yes all of these "experts" have a lot of great information and tips to help.  Yes I've incorporated a lot of it into my life (except Oprah...not a fan 😉) but guess what? I had to learn to TRUST myself when something didn't resonate or feel right to me.  Yes...I'm slow and sometimes I spent months doing something that didn't resonate because ummmm duh, they're "experts" right?  WRONG!  My maple leaf bestie and I were discussing how those months/weeks/days of trying to fit a square peg into a round hole were lessons yes but a huge waste of precious time that we could have spent trusting our guts/intuition/higher self.

I woke up this morning (woke up HA that's a hot one...if you call what I did last night sleeping!) in a huge panic.  I was shaking inside and felt so drained and just a huge mess if I'm being honest (WHICH I always am for the record) and I reached for my coffee and my newest best friend....my 3 journals.  I wrote until my hand was going to explode and poof.  Anxiety gone.  Ready to face the day with my big girl panties (OK, granny panties) in place.  This new ritual I started at the beginning of the year of journaling and pulling angel cards for myself to start the day is life changing.  The cards aren't always clear these days but the journaling is a life saver.  1 is my journal of thoughts, quotes etc.  1 is a prayer journal...direct letters from me to the Big Guy upstairs---this one is the BEST thing I've ever done for myself. I pour out every want, fear, doubt, blessing...I express my gratitude and I make deals with Him.  That's right...I make deals, don't judge 💗.  If you send me this I'll do this.....YES some "experts" might say it doesn't work like that but guess what?  Those experts don't have my relationship with God, I do!  Maybe it doesn't work for everyone but it works for me.  And that...my friends is what it is all about...finding what works for you....not anyone else...you!  And if you find that the people in your life don't agree with what you're doing?  Then stop asking them for permission to live your life....it's nobodies business.  And from this "expert's" opinion?  If that's the case? You need some new people....just sayin'.  No one has all the answers....but you're the best one to ask....because after all?  It's just a day in the life...

And somewhere, sometime from now together again somehow All of the waiting will seem like a moment and then

Life can change in a moment.  Miracles happen every day.  These are the thoughts that have been consuming my head in the last few weeks.  That adorable puppy you see pictured above snuggled on my favorite blanket came into our lives in an instant.  I had been thinking hmmm maybe we should get a puppy.  I was wondering how my other dog would take it, I thought wth was I thinking?  Why make more work for myself and I was going back and forth. Not all the time but every few weeks the thought would pop in.  We were at the dentist and poof she was running down the street.  We picked her up with the intention of returning her to her owners.  Um,yea they never surfaced.  We put up signs, I posted on social media, we registered with the animal shelters.  Low and behold, 4 years later we can't imagine life without her. She immediately became part of the family as easy as breathing. The other morning she must have slipped past me out the back and I shut the patio door and didn't realize she was there.  A little while later I realized I didn't see her in the house and I panicked.  I looked all over, went out by the pool and started to get frantic.  I opened the front door and called her.  Nothing.. I repeated my steps and I was in disbelief that she could have disappeared.  I went out front again and she came running.  My head thought omg someone could take her and poof she'd be gone.  I would not know what to do.  Yes she's chipped and yes she has a tag but that doesn't help if someone wanted her!  It just proved to me that everything can change in an instant.

Yesterday I had this exchange with my beautiful daughter.   I looked at the time that I sent my message....11:55....angel numbers.  11 your thoughts are manifesting quickly into reality keep them positive and 55 rapid changes are coming.  Those numbers have been beating down my door as of late.  So I know the everything can change in an instant... thoughts aren't a coincidence.  I think big changes are coming for my family once again.

Yesterday my son texted me that he had to call 911 for a coworker having an asthma attack.  It was serious stuff.  I joked later with him because I called 911 too because I saw the start of a fire on the side of the road.  We had banter at the dinner table over who was the bigger hero.  I felt that I, of course, won because I pretty much saved the entire state of Florida from, quite possibly the worst forest fire ever 👧😏while he just helped a person get oxygen.  He disputed that he was practically a superhero because he followed the instructions and saved a life and my dinky little fire was probably controlled. 😑The conversation did become serious as we discussed that life can change in an instant.  The instant he was diagnosed with cancer....the minute he (at 5 years old) announced that he was okay with the family moving to AZ and the decision was made....the moment he decided that he lost his passion for baseball and changed his future plans (because it truly happened in an instant!)...getting a message out of the blue from someone who changes your life forever....it all happens in a moment.

This morning I got a message from my boss. Their sister in law has been suffering with a brain tumor for quite some time.  She asked me yesterday if I would be available at a moment's notice this week because it didn't look good.  This morning they realized that if they wanted to see her again before she passed they had to go today so she asked if I could handle things while they traveled to see her.  I started to cry for this woman I had never met.  I cried for her husband and her family.  Even though they have been preparing for the worst I am sure the finality of it was hitting like a ton of bricks.  In an instant....it's over.  

This week marks the anniversary of my mom's passing.  Today would have been their 64th wedding anniversary.  During that time I remember vividly sleeping on their couch and being woken up out of a sound sleep with the sick feeling in my stomach that my mom was going to die.  I thought Oh My God how does she feel knowing that these are her last days?  What does that feel like?  I am crying now as I cried then.  How scary!  But is it?  When you've been suffering for so long are you scared or are you peaceful?  All I know is that one moment she was breathing and the next she wasn't.  In an instant life changed.  It ended for her and it changed for the rest of us. 

So remember....every moment is precious....because in the next? It can all change, for better or worse.  Be grateful for every breath you take and don't ever take that for granted.  And if this moment isn't actually one of the best don't worry....miracles happen every day and it can all change in a moments time....in a day in the life...... 

Like a bolt out of the blue, suddenly it comes to you...When you wish upon a star

Magical...stick with me...there's a point to my rambling.  Promise! 

I work for a property management company in Orlando.  I went in to check a house after vacationers had checked out.  There were 2 balloons floating at the top of the vaulted ceiling.  I contacted my colleagues and told them they would need to bring a ladder over because there was no other way to retrieve them.  I mentioned that I had always wanted one of those balloons since I was a little girl.  When we went to Disney for the first time last year after becoming resident pass holders I mentioned to my daughter that I had always wanted one of those balloons.  She looked at me with a big question mark on her face and said "Ummmm, why don't you just get one mama?"  I laughed and said that ship has sailed, I don't need it now I'm a grown ass woman.  It would be silly to buy one now.  I told her that when she and her brothers were little and we would go to Disney I secretly hoped one of them would ask for one because then I could have it too, but they were never interested.  It's pretty typical of my personality, it seemed so frivolous to waste money on a silly balloon no matter how much I was always drawn to it.  Here I was 46 years after the first time I had seen one still wanting it! 

Today I went to my bosses house to get it ready for the next guests and low and behold there was the balloon, waiting for me. They had sent me a picture of it the other day and I assumed it was to show me that they were able to get it down from the ceiling but no....they left it for me.  I finally have my wish fulfilled.  And then it hit me.....no matter how long it takes for a wish to come true you have to have faith that it will.

I came home holding my treasure, smiling probably larger than I would have even as a 7 year old little girl.  My kids laughed and said HA! You got one.  Did you go to Disney without us????  I said No!  It's from one of the houses!  And my son said "See, your prayer was finally answered and you got your wish!"  I looked at him with wide eyes and I said "That's EXACTLY it! " 

And so....I'm passing this on to you.  I'm sure it seems silly and like I'm reaching but I am telling you when I saw that balloon I felt a peace in my soul that life is unfolding exactly as it's supposed to.  And as I typed that "Somewhere over the Rainbow" came on my speaker, as a confirmation from my mom. No matter what it is your heart desires if you keep on believing it will come to you.....don't give up!  Your happily ever after and dreams come true are there waiting....you just need to believe and be patient and accept that it's not always exactly the way you imagined it, but it's perfect nonetheless.  And today was so much more than just a day in the life......

Sunshine on my shoulders....makes me happy....

 I woke up this morning and I was transported back to 1970.  When I would wake up on Valentines day to presents from my daddy.  I was on the phone with my sister and I just started sobbing.  This boy of mine....he's a man now....just never ceases to amaze me.  He is so strong and wise beyond his years.  He has a heart that knows no bounds.  His love for us and his fiance is priceless.  I often wonder that he puts way too much pressure on himself but he is happiest when he is making others happy. I just described myself.

 The letter he wrote me is one that every mother should strive to receive.  I am always telling him he gives me way too much credit for my place in his life.  He insists he doesn't love everyone and he doesn't give out freebies!  He has shown that recently...he holds people accountable for their actions. But, I'll take it....even for today because my heart could use a band-aid and this healed it.   It's proof that everything can change overnight.  Today is the beginning of Happy Valentines days from now on.  No more mourning what is lost. He begged me to not stop being me...to not stop loving the way I love and to never stop having his back, because he needs me. He says we have to celebrate the team we are and how strong our family is to have survived the things we've survived.  We HAVE been through hell and back and we are bonded together tighter for it.  He left a bag for his sister and her letter was started as "To the sister I prayed for"  ....when he was a little 4 year old he would kneel by his bed every night and press his tiny little fingers together and say "Dear God, please let me have a sister".  Whenever my daughter is torturing him she says, "Dear God, LET me have a sister!  And HERE I am!!!!"  It makes me realize that even though we're missing a link we are still a strong chain.  We added a link, my future daughter in law, and she is right there with us during it all.  We will continue to add to our chain or team as my son called it and we will continue to weather life's ups and downs....together.  And my sister reminded me this morning of something I have preached many times....God has it.  I need to stop focusing on what I don't have and focus on the things I do.  Wow....she's probably the only person who can say that to me without me getting my panties in a bunch 😎  But she shook me out of my sadness.  Enough!

Yes, today was a horrible, tragic day 3 years ago.  Probably one of the worst of my life.  Yes, my life isn't what I hoped it would be at this moment in time but so what?  It's pretty damn good.  And through it all God will hold us in the palm of his hand and never let us fall...because after all....it's just a day in the life.