If that's moving up than I'm.....moving out

Here we go again.  Another semi big move.  I didn't see it coming.  Just like the others.  Arizona?  One snowy Saturday afternoon in February--- we have to get out of here. 10 months later truck was loaded. Florida?  A day at the beach in July...the feeling hits me, I think I'm supposed to live here. 12 months later, truck was loaded.  This time?  Another day in February....it landed on our hearts....this is not where we belong--a month later we decided-North Carolina it is!  Truck will be loaded  in June.  And that brings me to today.  Moving is like giving birth.  You develop blissful amnesia about what it actually takes to get from point a to point b.  Heads together over the kitchen table and laptops today, notes made, phone calls done, trucks booked.  I have the sense of fear and dread in my gut.  I know that God will work out the details and logistics but I look around at what I thought was my simplistic, bare minimal living and I realize....we STILL have a LOT of stuff.  I'm almost paralyzed with fear.  I'm tired.  I'm really really tired.  More worn out than tired.  But, ain't nobody got time for that.

I look around at the empty walls.  I'm brought back to the first day I walked into this home and all the hopes and dreams that surrounded that move.  I truly thought life was just beginning.  That this was not my forever home by any means but I truly felt that good things and blessings would fill this home.  At this moment, I look around and I'm filled with sadness.  Sadness about the broken dreams that came here to die.  The firsts and lasts that occurred within the confines of these walls.  I'm gripped with grief and pain and I'm in tears within a split second.  Normally I don't have attachment to homes. When I moved out of the first house we owned, the house that I brought 2 of my 3 babies home to, left the state I lived for the first nearly 40 years of my life I barely blinked.  Even the home in Arizona that we had built and I picked every color and fixture in and had brand new everything---I walked out of that house and never looked back.  It was just a building.  The most important memories of that home came with me....literally---my 3 children.  We were starting a new chapter.  The fab four was born. The next home was the first one that I managed alone.  Every decision in that house was mine and mine alone.  I loved it.  Every single moment of that, it was something that needed to happen for my personal growth.  My individual soul purpose.  And when we decided to move to Florida we were all very excited and filled with hope and dreams of a better future.  What happened?  This house is giving me more mixed emotions than I've ever experienced when leaving a dwelling.  This is the last home that I will have lived in with all of my children.  I can't even type that without the tears flowing.  Wow.  I hate this house for that reason.  The fab four ended in this house.  It had to happen, it's part of life, but it hurts way too much to ignore it.  I'm ready for the next chapter.  I am. But I'm still extremely emotional. Having adult children is certainly different and sometimes painful, but it is also a whole new dynamic and relationship that we get to develop.  I was not happy here in Florida, truth be told.  I never felt at home.  I didn't learn the roads and relied instead on the GPS 2 years later.  I did not make one friend.  Not one.  I had dreams of future things happening here and that's what kept me going.  When I realized time was running out before my baby girl was starting high school I was forced to make some serious decisions.  I was determined to be settled somewhere before she started.  So...after weighing my options I decided to move.  And as soon as I made that decision I felt like a weight was lifted off of me.  It was time.

So, here we are.  The living room is full of boxes.  The cabinets are mostly emptied.  The 1st of 2 moving trucks are booked.  The knot in my stomach that will stay there until we are finally moved in is in place.  Now what?  I pull up my big girl panties and I move forward like I always do.  But it's getting old to be honest.  I'm ready for the good stuff.  And don't get me wrong, I am very very blessed.  There were many amazing firsts in this home.  Ones that I will hold in my heart for the rest of my days.  There was a lot of laughter and love along the way. And that is what I'm trying to focus on.  And looking forward to the good things the move brings.  And keeping my heart in the present moment....because after all....it's just a day in the life.