Happy Mothers Day

Everyone tries to prepare you for the sleepless nights,  endless diaper changes,  the terrible twos and all that becoming a mother entails.   No one prepares you for the time when they grow up and you're no longer under the same roof.   You know why?  Because if they did... if you knew the heart wrenching agony you'd feel at that time?  The human race would cease to exist.   You wouldn't sign up for it. Or maybe it is just me. 

In my mind, all these years I thought of my kids and I as a unit.   As one entity.   Our family. I remember when my oldest was getting ready to leave for college it occurred to me that my role was changing from that of a key player to supporting role in his life.   I was ok with that.   What made me physically sick was the thought of not seeing him every day and him never living under the same roof again.   It used to wake me up out of a sound sleep and make me cry at the drop of a hat. What worried me was that I knew my oldest wasn't one to text often, let alone call, but I knew this had to happen.  He needed to go and be independent.   Fast forward two years and he was back living with me and my amnesia returned about the fact that we all wouldn't be living together forever returned.   Fast forward 3 years and the realization hit me again.   I would sob when I'd go into his room.   A thought of him could bring me to my knees.   But things were not rosy with him before he left and a new normal ensued.   Funny how life does that.

Well my creme filling son is getting married.   So I was preparing for him to move out.  This time is harder.   We are ridiculously close.  He and his sister are Buddies.  When he left for college nearly two years ago I cried in pain at the thought of not seeing his face every day.... But he is a communicator.   Facetime... calls... texts... every day.   It made it bearable.   But this time he's getting married,  To an amazing young woman I might add.  It's different.   So as you read in my last blog we were all moving to North Carolina this summer.   So we would be living in different houses but close enough to have weekly dinners.   They went up there... signed their lease and returned excited and happy.   I kept getting this feeling that I wasn't going with them.   It was weird, but I had gotten an offer from My boss for a new position but I had no intention of taking it.   Well.... he made me an offer I was really struggling to refuse.

My daughter was away on a school trip...a first for her being away from me.   My relationship with her is so different then that of my sons.  I did realize that we are all codependent on each other.   We are each other's best friends.  We live in this happy solitude of comfort in knowing we support and love each other and GET each other.   It's a happy place.   My son's future wife who I will refer to as my bonus daughter has slipped right into the pack and finds comfort there as well. 

So, I decided to take a solo trip up to NC on a whim before I made my decision.   I have never taken a trip alone before and I felt like it was a stepping stone to this new world of solitude I was being thrown into. I realized so much on that 10 hour car ride.  So much about myself,  my relationship with my children,  my future, each one of my kids individually,  my past,  what I wanted in life,  what I needed in life and what I couldn't avoid facing anymore. My entire life has been dedicated to being a mom.   That was my chosen career.   But no one warned me about the phase out period when your job becomes obsolete.  You never truly retire but you become someone called in for special projects from time to time. And if you've done your job well and if you're really really lucky you get to sit back and watch the company that you've built flourish and thrive and know that you were there at the foundation of it.  Hell you ARE the foundation of

I've decided to remain in Florida....so I not only won't be living in the same home I'll be 10 hours away by car from my creme filling son.   My oldest is in California at the moment but he's thinking about returning to Arizona.  I had a conversation with him yesterday about how devastated I am that The Fab Four is no longer. And he said it's okay woman we can have Fab Four Kick-Ass vacations and reunions. And that's the next phase I suppose.   When I told my son and future daughter-in-law that I've made my decision they looked so sad. I told them that they would be fine better than fine. That this was necessary for their next stage of life as well. I told them that that first night in their new place was going to be the most incredible feeling and even though they would have mixed emotions they're starting their life together and it's all beginning for them! Every beginning is another beginnings end.   And my oldest son said to me yesterday painful endings are the way to happy beginnings.  He's pretty smart that boy.... man.... and for me? It's just a day in the life. ..

Happy Mother's Day!