Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride....

I've had enough change.  I'm ready for some stability.  After deciding to stay in Florida and coming to terms with the fact that my creme filling son will be 10 hours away, an opportunity for him to stay here in Florida came up.  I truly had to ask God what in the world was He doing to us?  Why all the pain?  Why all the confusion and changes in direction?  It makes me doubt everything I thought I knew.  I truly don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, never mind the future that I thought was so clear.  I was free falling and grasping for some form of certainty.

I went with my son the other day to order the Tuxedos for his wedding. Even the list of who is getting fitted for tuxedos was uncertain.  I was really trying to hold it together and be strong....for him.  Because I know he's struggling with leaving his sister and me.  Between us, it's killing me too but I can't let him see that.  He needs to know I support him and I'm going to be okay.  But then he feels like he's the only one who is struggling and I don't want him thinking that.  So....I'm walking a tightrope.  I'm confident in my decision to stay in Florida.  I'm enjoying my new job and I'm excited about the new opportunities.  But the thought of packing up that truck and driving up to North Carolina makes me physically sick.  Like weak in the knees sick.  I know it's what is best for them...I think it's best for them.  I pray it's best for them.  But then this chance for promotion here comes up for him and I'm thinking WTF?  Maybe it's not!  So I try to stay out of it.  But there is the uncertainty again...are they staying are they going....I had just gotten my head and heart around them leaving.  They've decided today to definitely go and continue with their plan.  When my son comes to hug me now we hold on a little tighter and a little longer and we fight back the tears.  Last night he said to me "You can come!"  I said "You can stay!"  and he said that wasn't the deal and I surrender..."You're right" I said...".I'm sorry I broke the deal."  If I'm being honest, I know this is necessary.  But 10 hours?  Ok, ok...it's ok.  But he's struggling and feeling lost and it's killing me.  Neither one of us saw this coming.  We never thought we'd live so far away from each other.  So many things we never thought would be at this time in life.  And hearing everyone say that we're too close and we need to cut the cord was pissing us off, honestly.  No one knows what we've been through together.  No one knows how we get each other.  And truth be told we HAVE cut the cord.  These last few months we  haven't shared all the details of our lives like we used to.  We were both preparing for this next phase.  Of course we thought the next phase was him moving out and getting married. But jeez, 10 hours?  Really?  Alright then.....we'll make it work.  I'm getting used to the people I love most not being part of my daily life. I'm not sure why I have to but it's what's been dealt.

Tomorrow my daughter graduates middle school.  I feel badly for her because it seems that everything big that happens in her life is overshadowed by some other situation.  I'm determined to make this her day....it's just one more change and new normal to get used to.  And as I look forward to this unknown future and try to stay grounded in the present moment I remind myself it's just a day in the life.....