Replay---in the worst way!

My son had Lymphoma in 2009.  He was only 10, he's 15 now.  A while ago he had a routine Echocardiogram that showed that his function went down since last year.  It was still within the normal range, but decreased.  His oncologist wanted to err on the side of caution and send him to a cardiologist.  I had been a nervous wreck since l I made the appointment.  I KNEW in my gut nothing was wrong, but it just brings up all of the horrible emotions of when he was sick.  It also makes me so incredibly angry that he has to deal with this for the rest of his life.  I'm writing a book about his story, our story, about how that awful disease affected our lives and how it felt and how our faith got us through it.  Today will be the last chapter of that book.  My son is so brave.  He's so strong and such a positive spirit.  I didn't let on how concerned I was, I acted very matter of factly about the whole thing.  I cried my eyes out to my mother last week to the point of not being able to breathe.  I spoke to my brother last night for 2 hours and cried again.  I spent the entire day Monday on the couch crying just having a pity party.  Well, this morning we got stuck in traffic and arrived 13 minutes late.  I tried to call the office and it was closed until 8 a.m. it was now 8:13 am.  She gives me the whole, "I'll have to see if the Dr. can see you you're 1/2 hour late"  I'm like ummmm his appt is at 8:30 and check in was at 8---we're 13 minutes late not 1/2 hour!  She goes, "Well we round up to the 1/2 hour here"  Really bitch?  REALLY?  You just make up times?  There was NO ONE in the waiting area, like get a life.  I smirked at her and spat out--I'm SURE you'll find the time!  Luckily the nurse was really funny and took us in and made us laugh.  My nerves were on the outside of my body I wanted to throw up!  

Ok, so the Dr. comes in and he's 98 years old if he's a day, I swear.  He looks confused as to why we were there.  Then after a thorough explanation (of which I understood very little lol) he said my boys heart was fine and made an appointment for next year for another echo just to be safe.  I LOST IT!  I began sobbing in relief as soon as he left the room.  My son was comforting ME--way to go mom, how about the giant loser award for me :(  In the car on the way home he said to me "Don't be upset mom, I'm glad I have to deal with this for the rest of my life.  It makes me a stronger person and makes me appreciate things more."  SERIOUSLY?  Is he AMAZING or what?  I raised that boy :)  and I am one proud mama!!!!

It's just a day in the life xoxox

That was an entry in my old blog from last year.....this year, in this moment I am watching my mother fight the same disease my son has beaten.  I am reading chemo side effects and making lists of questions to ask the oncologist.  I can't stop crying.  It's too raw---it's too familiar---it's too much!!!  As I sat in the radiologist's waiting room this morning I watched people come and go---they all greeted each other like old friends.  I guess that's what happens when you have the same appointment time for 5 weeks straight.  I listened to them chat, I watched their faces and I thought---it's funny, these people are battling for their lives and they are kinder and more positive then the people in the grocery store!  Cancer changes you.  I also noticed that cancer does not discriminate----there were Caucasians, Latinos and African Americans.  They were aged from 20s-80s and they were male and female.  Cancer just destroys it doesn't care who is in it's path.  I watch men tenderly care for their wives as they become to frail to care for themselves---I see people who are walking this path alone and others that have friends with them.  It is sickening to me and I want to run ---again.  Facing this disease again is too much for me.  It's difficult to watch my dad work so hard to care for my mom and meet her every need.  It's crushing to watch my mother, my beautiful mother cover her balding head with a hat and not be able to move her neck because of the tumor that resides there.  I met with her Oncologist today armed with a list of questions that I had---questions that I didn't like the answers to.  Questions that I didn't want to ask.  It's difficult because, ultimately the decisions don't rest with me---with my son I had control of the choices.....I again had to hide in the car to call my sister and avoid changing my facial expression so no one could see what I was thinking/feeling.  So I cried....and I pray.  I will pray without ceasing.  Not just for my mother but for all the people I saw today battling the dreaded disease.  And when my son steps off the plane tonight (traveling alone for the first time) to meet me in Florida to support his Yaya I will hug him desperately and thank God for saving him...Thank God for all the blessings and ask him to give us just one more miracle.  

Please check out my book---Beyond the Immediate---the story of my son's battle with cancer and how it changed our lives in a positive way. 

  Beyond the Immediate

We may never pass this way again....

I woke up this morning and received a text from my ex husband that his mom, my children's grandmother, had passed away.  My immediate thought was that I had to tell my kids.  I had no idea how they would react, honestly.  They are very fortunate to have never lost someone very close to them.  Sadly, in actuality, this was no different.  Just because you are related by blood and genetics to someone does not make them close to you.  Love does....kindness does....and a sense that having that person in your life has somehow made it better does. I have lost Aunts and Uncles that I barely knew and was not very affected by their passing, yet we lost a family friend last year who was a huge part of my childhood and I cried for a week!  After that initial thought of telling my kids, I thought of Pop Pop...my kids grandpa on their father's side.  He has lived the last 65 years with his wife---how do you begin to function after losing them?

I have always been irritated that whenever someone dies all of a sudden everyone around acts like the deceased was a saint.  Mother Theresa had nothing on them.  Sometimes, that's just not the case.  Sometimes you don't have wonderful memories of someone--why force it?  Send love and light and move on. I was surprised at how weird I felt all day.  I kept thinking that 2 years ago I would have had a very different role in this situation.  I thought of how sad it was that she never really knew the 3 grandchildren that I gave birth to.  I have no doubt that she was a wonderful grandmother to her other 17 grandchildren, but my 3 she was never truly comfortable around.  I reflected on my own life and whether or not those I love know how much I love them.  The answer would be yes.  My parents know how much I love them, I talk to them often and include them in details of my life and spend quality time with them whenever we can.  My sister---she's my best friend, she knows how much she means to me, I tell her all the time.  My brother?  Absolutely he knows. He hates when I tell him lol but he knows.  My Godsons--both of them---yup, they know I adore them and my 2 nieces know they are my girls! My brother in law and sister in law---you know they know it!  How?  Because I TELL them!  And I show them with my actions. They all know I am there for them no matter what, anytime, anywhere. It's important to me.  Like I said yesterday, I have very few people that I consider to be close to me and those people are my world.  I want my children to never wonder about my love for them...I don't want them to ever think I had a favorite--they are all my favorites.  And when they get married and have children of their own I will make it my life's purpose to treat all of those gifts from heaven as just that---my gifts.

How are you going to make your mark on the world?  What is the most important thing that you want to be remembered for?  So many people throw themselves into their jobs/careers and think that that is their legacy.  Really?  Is it?  Is that what you want people to remember about you?  What about how you spend the precious time you have on Earth--do you want to spend the majority of it working?  Or do you want to work to live and enjoy your life?  My brother in law is someone I look up to for that specific quality.  He works all week, and he works hard.  But that is just so that on the weekends, and on vacation, he can explore his passions---skiing and boating.  He enjoys his life!  Since I have gotten rid of the shoulds (that I discussed yesterday) and the guilt for not doing the shoulds I am enjoying my life that way.  It feels wonderful and I'm able to be happy and look forward to each day.  Can you say the same thing?  If not, maybe it's time to do a self evaluation and figure out how to change that.

I have spent too much of my life focusing on the future---oh, I'll be happy when ________.  I can't wait until ___________  because then things will be better!  NO!  You need to be mindful in the present moment and take the joy out of each one that we are given in this lifetime.  We are NOT promised tomorrow and we may never pass this way again, so spread love and joy and happiness to everyone you can and enjoy your life!  And someday,when the people I love are faced with hearing what my children heard today, that I went home to God,  I want them to have wonderful memories about how we laughed and cried together, how we enjoyed each other's company and how very very much I loved them.  That will be my legacy xoxoxo