It's been a while, I'm not who I was before

 I keep thinking about this being the autumn of my life....and this is my first autumn in 20 years and I am so excited!  But then there is the nagging voice that says - honey you're almost in the winter of your life don't kid yourself- I can usually shut that voice up with some chocolate.

This morning during an insightful conversation with my daughter we both came to the conclusion that we treasure peace over anything else.  She reminds me of the me I was in my early 20's.  Before motherhood and my 30's changed my view on life and the world.  When I was still the most important person in my life - I'm bringing that back.  I no longer crave approval from anyone.  It is a definite internal struggle because I still love BIG and I want to make people's lives easier in any way I can .... but it can no longer be at

the cost of my peace.  I have worked way too hard to get to this place of peace and dare I say joy again to lose it.  Is it lonely?  Sometimes.  But I have realized I am no longer willing to beg someone to want me in their life.  If you can't see what I bring to the table or to your life, then I'll remove your seat.  I will always allow people to return - until I don't - so if your seat at my table is gone, I think you need to ask yourself why.  Chances are I gave you everything I had including more chances than you deserved.  

Life is busy these days, full these days.  I have realized that all these years I put people above God.  Not intentionally, but it was a form of worship I am realizing.  And those people have left me, hurt me, ignored me and didn't value me the way that God does. I never have to beg God to spend time with me - to talk to me - to understand my point of view - He just DOES. There are a few people that I have regular contact with. Why is it that I can have daily voice

texts with my friends in Ireland and in Canada but people that I have given so much of myself to can't find 5 minutes to say "hey, how are you?"    Because you make time for the people that matter, that's why! A few of my other loved ones -there was a couple of weeks that life got out of control, and I didn't return their calls (totally unlike me!) and when things calmed down and I apologized they said "Never apologize - I get it!  Call me when you can!"  That is friendship.   In the past I would have stressed out that I didn't respond but I can't do that anymore.  Because hardly anyone does that for me.  I send messages that aren't responded to for days.  People that I have loved with all my heart that never think to check on me.  I won't pretend that it doesn't hurt.  It does....a LOT.  But as I said, I won't push myself in anyone's life ever again.  Now I am working on the hurt and dare I admit, anger that still pops up.  The feeling that I am not important enough to have someone make time for me, to miss me, to see how I am doing.  I know I have an extremely positive outlook on life.... I have faith that can move mountains.  But I am human, and I have struggles and heartache and things that keep me up at night.  Just because I carry it well does not mean it isn't heavy!  But lucky for me Jesus is always just a conversation away and He is always ready to take a seat at my table.   How blessed am I?  And that realization....is not just a day in the life!

Does it really matter?

Today is my daughter's 7th dance recital.  It went from being a one show deal to her being there all day and doing 3 shows and 12 dances.  It makes me reflect on the difference between then and now.  It makes me wonder if I don't care as much about things, or I've learned what's really important....I think it's the later.  When my kids were little I would become so obsessed with how they looked and what they wore and making sure everything was perfect.  Now, I realize, there is no such thing.

In an effort to make everything perfect, I often neglected to enjoy anything.  I would become so crazed and neurotic before a major holiday or event that I didn't ever remember to just be present.  That's all changed now.  I am able to finally live and go with the flow---it's so much better for everyone!  My kids are more relaxed, I am more relaxed---it's definitely more fun!  

With that being said, the old me rears her ugly, OCD head occasionally with her list of shoulds and her finger pointing at someone else who is doing it perfectly and look at how they LOOK.  There is the key word that shuts me down and flips me right back to relaxed mom.  They LOOK perfect.  Yes, that girls costume has way more accessories than mine does---so what?  Yes that little girls hair is perfectly done differently for each and every dance---so what?  Her make up is changed between numbers to match whatever costume is coming next----so what?  My daughter is HAPPY!  She is relaxed and able to be herself.  She doesn't WANT all that crap that I used to push on her.  If she ASKED me for all that, you know what---I would snap on my supermom cape and do the best I could to get it for her.  But she doesn't care about it.  It was ME that used to fuss and push and try to make it all "perfect"---meanwhile, it's supposed to be for her, right?  I think a lot of parents forget that.

My older son has returned from his second year of college and commented the other day that I am a total different parent to "those two" (his younger siblings) than I was to him.  I'm raising them differently he said.  He's right.  I'm a totally different person now.  I'm not all crazed and angry and frustrated and exhausted---well I AM still exhausted but I can handle that.  Plus, I'm divorced and I don't have a stressful, unhappy marriage weighing me down anymore.  I am free to be me!  I'm sorry he had the ubercrazyperfectionist mom---she thought she was doing the right thing at the time.  Everyone thought we had this perfect family---what I've come to realize is that everyone isn't living in my home.  Everyone is not living my life---I don't need to impress anyone!  And if there is anything that my oldest has taught me is that it is THEIR lives not mine to live.  I do my best to impose my morals and my opinion of right and wrong to them and raise them the way I feel will make them good, kind, decent human beings.  The rest is just for show and it's THEIR show, not mine---I want them to be happy not perfect.  As far as the rest.....does it really matter?

Cleaning....is it really necessary?

Let me start by saying that I grew up in an IMMACULATE home....you could eat off the floors at any given moment and there was never any clutter anywhere!  I never thought about it, it's just the way it was.  If I'm being honest I never cared.  Probably because I wasn't the one doing the cleaning.  I also remember that whenever I was given a chore to do (rarely) my mother always redid it.  That was the beginning of my self-esteem issues and the fact that I often feel like nothing I do is ever good enough.  I also felt like a clean house was too important to my mother.  I remember asking her if we could do something and it would always be prefaced by I have to vacuum first or whatever chore had to be accomplished.  I promised myself that when I had children I would never do that.  And I didn't.  I went a bit too the opposite side and my house was often messy when they were little, but I could not put the emphasis on cleaning that my mother had.

I may sound like I'm judging here, and that's not my intent, but I feel like people who obsess over how clean their homes are could be avoiding dealing with things beyond their control.  Cleaning the bathroom is something you can control, you don't have to think about it.  It's matter of fact.  And it makes you feel good about yourself---I always feel better when the house is clean.  However, dealing with my daughter's issue with the class bully is not as cut and dry.  Sometimes, I'd rather throw myself into cleaning the baseboards then deal with the emotions and feelings of my teenager--because I can't fix that and tie it into a nice clean package.  It's messy, and exhausting and doesn't always wind up the way I want.  However, the dirt will be there tomorrow and my kids will not always be!  The vacuum will not remember the bonding time we shared---my kids will!

The other day I overheard a conversation between two women bragging over how much they clean, I have a friend that will have a 20 minute conversation with you about how she washed her walls...BOOOORRRRRIIINNNG!  People pride themselves on how sparking clean their home is, but is there any fun going on there?  Do people feel comfortable there?  Do you clean the dishes off the table immediately instead of sitting and enjoying after dinner conversation?  Is having a spotless sliding glass door more important than playing a game of Sorry with your 8 year old?  Are you too tired at the end of the day to bake some cookies with your preschooler?  What's wrong with this picture?  Don't get me wrong I am not advocating a filthy house by any means!  My house is clean, a bit messy I'll give you, but it's clean.  Is it perfection or pristine?  Absolutely not!  But guess what...who cares?  Tomorrow is another day and there will always be more dirt and mess and streaks to take care of.  But your 4 year old will only be 4 for a short time.  My 10 year old daughter will not always want to play a game or make bracelets or bake cookies with me, my 15 year old will not always want spend time watching a movie with me or talk to me about what's going on in his world, and I am completely blessed that when he comes home from college my 20 year old will spend 3 hours talking to me about everything under the sun---these moments are fleeting! Think about that the next time you tell your kids "as soon as I finish (fill in the blank)...."

That's what Friends are For

Have you ever sat in a group of people and yet felt completely alone?  This happens to me a lot, unfortunately.  If you knew me you would probably be surprised by that statement.  I am very friendly and chatty, but I hate superficial conversations.  They bore me to tears. However, I've learned (the hard way!) that not everyone is trustworthy and I can't talk honestly to everyone.  So, that leaves me feeling very much alone, unless I'm around people I'm close to.  With that being said, I have changed so much in the last 5 years and even more so in the past year that I'm afraid the number of people I'm close to has been reduced to half a handful.  It makes for a lot of lonely times.  

I have always had a strong faith and belief in God.  I believe that whatever I pray for He will bring me whatever I need and/or ask for, not necessarily when I want it, but He delivers none the less.  I used to think it was coincidence that I would think something or feel something in my "gut" and then it would happen.  I now realize that those were answered prayers and my intuition giving me a heads up.  

I used to wonder how people could be friends with people on Facebook that they have never met.  Last July I prayed to God to bring me like minded people in my life.  I was changing so rapidly and I found myself alone in my way of thinking.  In September I started my business page on FB, Chat with your Angels and I was introduced to a few of the most wonderful women I've ever met.  These women have become my closest confidants, my daily dose of friendship and my soul sisters.  God always answers prayers.  I wasn't specific in where these friends would come from I just asked Him to send them. And send them He certainly did.  I know that I can shoot a text, or pick up the phone or email them and they will get back to me instantaneously.  That is priceless to me.  I can also tell them anything (and I mean anything) and I know they will "get it" and better yet, not judge me!  How many of you have people like that in your life?''  I know that someday I will meet them face to face and it will be like we've known each other our whole lives!

I wake up every morning expecting a miracle.  I know God makes them.  Then I realize that every moment is a miracle.  And even though there are times I feel alone I realize that I never am.  I have a wonderful family, amazing friends, 3 perfect children and a God that loves me and watches over me every second of the day!  And I have angels around me all the time that are just waiting for me to talk to them.  Who could ever feel alone?

We may never pass this way again....

I woke up this morning and received a text from my ex husband that his mom, my children's grandmother, had passed away.  My immediate thought was that I had to tell my kids.  I had no idea how they would react, honestly.  They are very fortunate to have never lost someone very close to them.  Sadly, in actuality, this was no different.  Just because you are related by blood and genetics to someone does not make them close to you.  Love does....kindness does....and a sense that having that person in your life has somehow made it better does. I have lost Aunts and Uncles that I barely knew and was not very affected by their passing, yet we lost a family friend last year who was a huge part of my childhood and I cried for a week!  After that initial thought of telling my kids, I thought of Pop Pop...my kids grandpa on their father's side.  He has lived the last 65 years with his wife---how do you begin to function after losing them?

I have always been irritated that whenever someone dies all of a sudden everyone around acts like the deceased was a saint.  Mother Theresa had nothing on them.  Sometimes, that's just not the case.  Sometimes you don't have wonderful memories of someone--why force it?  Send love and light and move on. I was surprised at how weird I felt all day.  I kept thinking that 2 years ago I would have had a very different role in this situation.  I thought of how sad it was that she never really knew the 3 grandchildren that I gave birth to.  I have no doubt that she was a wonderful grandmother to her other 17 grandchildren, but my 3 she was never truly comfortable around.  I reflected on my own life and whether or not those I love know how much I love them.  The answer would be yes.  My parents know how much I love them, I talk to them often and include them in details of my life and spend quality time with them whenever we can.  My sister---she's my best friend, she knows how much she means to me, I tell her all the time.  My brother?  Absolutely he knows. He hates when I tell him lol but he knows.  My Godsons--both of them---yup, they know I adore them and my 2 nieces know they are my girls! My brother in law and sister in law---you know they know it!  How?  Because I TELL them!  And I show them with my actions. They all know I am there for them no matter what, anytime, anywhere. It's important to me.  Like I said yesterday, I have very few people that I consider to be close to me and those people are my world.  I want my children to never wonder about my love for them...I don't want them to ever think I had a favorite--they are all my favorites.  And when they get married and have children of their own I will make it my life's purpose to treat all of those gifts from heaven as just that---my gifts.

How are you going to make your mark on the world?  What is the most important thing that you want to be remembered for?  So many people throw themselves into their jobs/careers and think that that is their legacy.  Really?  Is it?  Is that what you want people to remember about you?  What about how you spend the precious time you have on Earth--do you want to spend the majority of it working?  Or do you want to work to live and enjoy your life?  My brother in law is someone I look up to for that specific quality.  He works all week, and he works hard.  But that is just so that on the weekends, and on vacation, he can explore his passions---skiing and boating.  He enjoys his life!  Since I have gotten rid of the shoulds (that I discussed yesterday) and the guilt for not doing the shoulds I am enjoying my life that way.  It feels wonderful and I'm able to be happy and look forward to each day.  Can you say the same thing?  If not, maybe it's time to do a self evaluation and figure out how to change that.

I have spent too much of my life focusing on the future---oh, I'll be happy when ________.  I can't wait until ___________  because then things will be better!  NO!  You need to be mindful in the present moment and take the joy out of each one that we are given in this lifetime.  We are NOT promised tomorrow and we may never pass this way again, so spread love and joy and happiness to everyone you can and enjoy your life!  And someday,when the people I love are faced with hearing what my children heard today, that I went home to God,  I want them to have wonderful memories about how we laughed and cried together, how we enjoyed each other's company and how very very much I loved them.  That will be my legacy xoxoxo

What Other people think of you is none of your business.....

I have very few people that I consider close to me.  That's by choice.  I have a lot of people who think they know the real me and think they know me well.  They would be mistaken!  Those who are close to me know everything about me, I don't hold back, I don't hide anything I don't censor myself.  They know who they are.  As for everyone else?  It's on a need to know basis.  Weird, though because now I'm sharing my innermost, deepest thoughts and feelings with whoever happens to find my blog.  That's ok.  What other people think of me is none of my business!

For most of my life I was concerned with people's perception of me.  I had a voice in my head (usually my parents) that told me what was acceptable, what I should do, how I should feel....based on those rules of society and what other people thought was right.  Being married to my ex husband for 23 years and dealing with his family (who never approved or liked me no matter WHAT I did)  really messed with my head for most of my adult life.  I was used to having people around me that liked me, who thought I was pretty great.  Not them....I was Satan in their eyes.  Everything I did or said or felt was somehow wrong and didn't fit into the mold they wanted me to fit into.  I used to get physically sick (yes, throwing up!) before a family event because I would feel so awful and sad being around them. Then, I had my son.  My whole life changed after I became a mom.  I didn't allow anyone's feelings to influence what I thought was best for him.  "Oh, all he wants is you!"   "You're gonna make him a mama's boy!"   "Why won't he go to anyone else?"  "It's not healthy."  and my all time favorite "Let him cry, it will strengthen his lungs."  What the HELL, did they even hear themselves???  I didn't listen to any of it....well that's a lie, I listened and still did what I thought was best, but I used to let it eat away at me.  Oh they don't approve, oh they're talking about me behind my back, they think I'm a bad mom....It upset me, but I didn't allow it to change my actions.  As time went on I let it affect me less and less.  By the time my daughter was born nearly 10 years later I was immune to their insults and their disapproval.  Then I moved across the country and I never had to deal with it again.  I credit my in laws for helping me become the person I am today.  The me who does what I feel is right and doesn't justify it to anyone else.  I like her way better than the 20 something year old girl throwing up and crying before going to a party.

The reason I chose this topic to write about today is because I've come to realize that the people around me that are unhappy or frustrated or sad are all allowing those beliefs to take up occupancy and control in their lives.  It's so hard to allow all the good things to flow into your life when your thoughts are full of shoulds and coulds and don'ts.  I used to make myself crazy with guilt or lists going through my head whenever I would sit down to relax, or read or just ENJOY life.  "Oh, I should be doing dishes, or laundry"  or " Nancy invited me to go to the zoo and I really don't want to, but I don't have any reason not to go, so I guess I will just go. "  And then spend the day at the zoo pissed off because I didn't really want to BE there!  C'mon, how often does that happen to you?  Also, New Years Eve---I hate New Years Eve because every year I felt like I should be doing this or that or the other thing, when in actuality I would love to have just gone to sleep like any other night---too much pressure and let down after it isn't as perfect as you pictured it to be.  It's JUST another night for cryin' out loud! My dream for New Years eve is to one year spend it in Disneyland, other than that I couldn't care less.  What about all these video proposals?  Seriously? Why do you need a million people around you on the single most intimate moment in your relationship to date?  No thank you.  Why does everyone feel they have to prove to the world that they have a perfect life?  If it was so perfect you'd be out living it and not documenting it on face book and you tube and twitter!!!! How can you allow yourself to just be who you are and not live up to someone else's expectations?   The answer----LET IT GO!  Allow yourself to be who YOU want to be!!!!  Don't let anyone else influence that.   The people that truly love you, will love you no matter what.  You have no one to impress.  In my opinion, my life is a show that has to impress only two...me and God.  What everyone else thinks of me is none of my business xoxo