I have very few people that I consider close to me. That's by choice. I have a lot of people who think they know the real me and think they know me well. They would be mistaken! Those who are close to me know everything about me, I don't hold back, I don't hide anything I don't censor myself. They know who they are. As for everyone else? It's on a need to know basis. Weird, though because now I'm sharing my innermost, deepest thoughts and feelings with whoever happens to find my blog. That's ok. What other people think of me is none of my business!
For most of my life I was concerned with people's perception of me. I had a voice in my head (usually my parents) that told me what was acceptable, what I should do, how I should feel....based on those rules of society and what other people thought was right. Being married to my ex husband for 23 years and dealing with his family (who never approved or liked me no matter WHAT I did) really messed with my head for most of my adult life. I was used to having people around me that liked me, who thought I was pretty great. Not them....I was Satan in their eyes. Everything I did or said or felt was somehow wrong and didn't fit into the mold they wanted me to fit into. I used to get physically sick (yes, throwing up!) before a family event because I would feel so awful and sad being around them. Then, I had my son. My whole life changed after I became a mom. I didn't allow anyone's feelings to influence what I thought was best for him. "Oh, all he wants is you!" "You're gonna make him a mama's boy!" "Why won't he go to anyone else?" "It's not healthy." and my all time favorite "Let him cry, it will strengthen his lungs." What the HELL, did they even hear themselves??? I didn't listen to any of it....well that's a lie, I listened and still did what I thought was best, but I used to let it eat away at me. Oh they don't approve, oh they're talking about me behind my back, they think I'm a bad mom....It upset me, but I didn't allow it to change my actions. As time went on I let it affect me less and less. By the time my daughter was born nearly 10 years later I was immune to their insults and their disapproval. Then I moved across the country and I never had to deal with it again. I credit my in laws for helping me become the person I am today. The me who does what I feel is right and doesn't justify it to anyone else. I like her way better than the 20 something year old girl throwing up and crying before going to a party.
The reason I chose this topic to write about today is because I've come to realize that the people around me that are unhappy or frustrated or sad are all allowing those beliefs to take up occupancy and control in their lives. It's so hard to allow all the good things to flow into your life when your thoughts are full of shoulds and coulds and don'ts. I used to make myself crazy with guilt or lists going through my head whenever I would sit down to relax, or read or just ENJOY life. "Oh, I should be doing dishes, or laundry" or " Nancy invited me to go to the zoo and I really don't want to, but I don't have any reason not to go, so I guess I will just go. " And then spend the day at the zoo pissed off because I didn't really want to BE there! C'mon, how often does that happen to you? Also, New Years Eve---I hate New Years Eve because every year I felt like I should be doing this or that or the other thing, when in actuality I would love to have just gone to sleep like any other night---too much pressure and let down after it isn't as perfect as you pictured it to be. It's JUST another night for cryin' out loud! My dream for New Years eve is to one year spend it in Disneyland, other than that I couldn't care less. What about all these video proposals? Seriously? Why do you need a million people around you on the single most intimate moment in your relationship to date? No thank you. Why does everyone feel they have to prove to the world that they have a perfect life? If it was so perfect you'd be out living it and not documenting it on face book and you tube and twitter!!!! How can you allow yourself to just be who you are and not live up to someone else's expectations? The answer----LET IT GO! Allow yourself to be who YOU want to be!!!! Don't let anyone else influence that. The people that truly love you, will love you no matter what. You have no one to impress. In my opinion, my life is a show that has to impress only two...me and God. What everyone else thinks of me is none of my business xoxo