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Friday, May 23, 2014

Stop the World I wanna get off....

The past 24 hours have been a roller coaster of emotions and feelings and thoughts and decisions.  I was so amazingly happy yesterday morning.  I had the world on a string.  I was thanking God for blessing me with this perfect life and I was loving that life. What happened between then and now?  Today I am done.  I am ready to check out of society and find a cave somewhere to live out the rest of my days alone.  I don't even recognize myself.  I am overwhelmed.

The life of a mom is not easy....the life of a single mom, while not harder than a married mom, has it's own unique challenges.  I have been a single mom for 20 years.  Even when I was married.  I could never rely on my ex husband as a partner in parenting.  He was a piggy back parent.  If I was mad at the kids he was 10 times as mad, if I was proud then he was proud, you get the picture.  So I'm tired.  I'm really really tired.  I have poured my life into being a good mom and I believe I succeed on most days.  However, there are some days when I just want a day off.  I've never had one.  You are probably like, sure, whatever, this chick is delusional and a crybaby.  People that truly know me know I'm not lying.

Some days I just feel like I can't do anything right no matter how I try.  Sometimes I lose it and start ranting and raving about how tired I am and how I need a break.  I hate those days.  I don't want to BE that person, but I'm human.  And by feeling everything as deeply as I do (the good, the bad AND the ugly) it exhausts me sometimes.  I become numb.  Which is where I am today.  Numb.  And I want to cry...a lot.   Then I dust myself and move on.  I deactivated my face book account today because I was going to become one of those people who just post random angry and negative thoughts---ain't nobody got time for that (said in my best imitation of the viral video).  So, like an addict I went cold turkey.  It feels good.  I am deprogramming myself from technology, it's necessary.  My mind is overflowing with STUFF that I feel I need to address and I am just not capable of doing it all.  Something's gotta give.

Unfortunately, this week it was my housework--jeez what a mess.  Then I realized....I am a schedule oriented person and my schedule has been completely undone these past 2 weeks and I haven't been meditating daily and doing the things I usually do to keep myself from feeling overwhelmed.  So today I retreated to my room (I like being sent to my room as an adult, how about you?) and I put on a meditation and then took a nap!  I woke up feeling a little bit more myself and ready to face the rest of the day.  Then I got a text from my friend Melody who said, "It'll be okay Tina, you're just having one of those days"--totally what I needed to hear.  Then I heard my oldest son singing a silly made up song and his siblings laughing...and I realized---it's all gonna be ok!  It's just a day in the life.
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