The past 24 hours have been a roller coaster of emotions and feelings and thoughts and decisions. I was so amazingly happy yesterday morning. I had the world on a string. I was thanking God for blessing me with this perfect life and I was loving that life. What happened between then and now? Today I am done. I am ready to check out of society and find a cave somewhere to live out the rest of my days alone. I don't even recognize myself. I am overwhelmed.
The life of a mom is not easy....the life of a single mom, while not harder than a married mom, has it's own unique challenges. I have been a single mom for 20 years. Even when I was married. I could never rely on my ex husband as a partner in parenting. He was a piggy back parent. If I was mad at the kids he was 10 times as mad, if I was proud then he was proud, you get the picture. So I'm tired. I'm really really tired. I have poured my life into being a good mom and I believe I succeed on most days. However, there are some days when I just want a day off. I've never had one. You are probably like, sure, whatever, this chick is delusional and a crybaby. People that truly know me know I'm not lying.
Some days I just feel like I can't do anything right no matter how I try. Sometimes I lose it and start ranting and raving about how tired I am and how I need a break. I hate those days. I don't want to BE that person, but I'm human. And by feeling everything as deeply as I do (the good, the bad AND the ugly) it exhausts me sometimes. I become numb. Which is where I am today. Numb. And I want to cry...a lot. Then I dust myself and move on. I deactivated my face book account today because I was going to become one of those people who just post random angry and negative thoughts---ain't nobody got time for that (said in my best imitation of the viral video). So, like an addict I went cold turkey. It feels good. I am deprogramming myself from technology, it's necessary. My mind is overflowing with STUFF that I feel I need to address and I am just not capable of doing it all. Something's gotta give.
Unfortunately, this week it was my housework--jeez what a mess. Then I realized....I am a schedule oriented person and my schedule has been completely undone these past 2 weeks and I haven't been meditating daily and doing the things I usually do to keep myself from feeling overwhelmed. So today I retreated to my room (I like being sent to my room as an adult, how about you?) and I put on a meditation and then took a nap! I woke up feeling a little bit more myself and ready to face the rest of the day. Then I got a text from my friend Melody who said, "It'll be okay Tina, you're just having one of those days"--totally what I needed to hear. Then I heard my oldest son singing a silly made up song and his siblings laughing...and I realized---it's all gonna be ok! It's just a day in the life.