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Monday, May 19, 2014

Growing Pains

My son is home from college.  We've had a rough, very very rough year.  Growing pains, he's changed, I've changed and it made for an emotional and heartbreaking year.  Truth be told I was really nervous about him coming home for the summer.  My 2 younger kids and I have developed a really comfortable routine with very little stress and strife.  The 3 times my oldest came home this year proved to be difficult and argumentative--it broke me.  I'm not going to lie---I spent the last 4 months as a shell of my former self.  We had a huge blowup on Christmas eve and I felt that everything I thought in my life was a lie.  I prided myself on being a really good mom and according to him that wasn't true.  I was in a depression of sorts and I finally started to pull out of it in April.  He seemed to have gone through the same because things started working more smoothly with us.  Then he came home to surprise me for mother's day and I got my boy back xo.  He was back to himself and so was our relationship.  Actually, it's even better than before, because he's grown so much and I no longer feel that it's my responsibility to make him happy.  I just support him, love him and guide him and of course be there to catch him if he falls.  Honestly?  Easier than the constant pressure I put on myself for the last 20 years!

The reason I'm bringing this up is because for the last 18 or so years I lost myself in the role of being a mother.  I planned and visualized the future, I did everything I could for them.  (I've since been told I did too much and left them unprepared for adulthood----guilty)  In my mind, my life and their lives were one.  I never thought about the fact that one day they'd have their own lives and I would merely have a guest spot.  That fact hit me when Son #1 went to college and I no longer had daily contact with him.  It made me reevaluate everything.  I needed to "get a life!"  I needed to find out what made me tick---what made ME happy, what did I even like to DO besides take the kids swimming and to the park and watch movies with them?  I was blank.  I felt nothing, I had NO idea!  I remember my friend Jen telling me that I had to choose what restaurant we went to for my birthday----I froze.  I couldn't decide!  How the hell did that happen to me?  How did I lose me in the mix?  I remember having a conversation with my sister and her saying, "If you had a whole day to yourself, what would you do?"  The thought sent me into a panic!  I would clean or organize something in the house....she said NO, it has to be something FOR YOU!....I froze.  I finally came up with, I'd go to the park and read.  How lame!  That's ALL I could come up with?  Well, it was a start!

Since that time in 2009  I have been spending lots of time finding me and I really like her <3

oh and PS having all 3 of my babies under one roof has brought me uninhibited joy!!!!!
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