There's no load I can't hold, a road so rough this I know....

 

It's October 10th....10/10 portal...magical stuff blah blah blah.  I don't really subscribe to that stuff anymore.  I am more of a let's just let God handle whatever comes or goes. And I'll be dipped in sugar molasses and honey butter if that does not work waaaaayyy better than Angel numbers or portals or moon cycles. I was planning to write a blog about my wishes and how they've changed but now I will be blending that with today's events....

I have a journal that gives you daily prompts that you answer every day for 5 years.  It is so that you can see how things change or how they do not.  Yesterday the prompt was: I want a new_____.  Last year I wrote car.  Well....I'm driving it!  This year I wrote that...well you can see above what I asked for - a new start!  The day before was What is your biggest dream. Last year I had one...one I have had for too many years and since that one does not seem to be in my destiny I decided to let it go.  But when I thought about a new dream I realized....I don't have one.  And instead of being sad about it (my first instinct was oh no, does that mean I am depressed or lazy or I have given up?) I realized I am blessed.  I do not spend my days looking for things I don't have.  I am grateful for what I do have and am happy to follow whatever God's will is for my life, even if it doesn't look the way I wanted.  Which brings me to today's events.

I got a call today that most parents dread..."Mom...some guy just plowed into my car."  The shaky voice, she's so damn strong and yet deep inside is a little girl that still needs her mom.  "Ok...are you ok?"  Yes.  "Is he still there?"  Yes. "Does he have insurance?" Did you call the police?  Not yet.  I told him I needed to call you.  Ok, I'll be right there, send me the address.  I got in the car and started driving.  Of course my mind was all over the place.  But my first thought was Thank you God.  Thank you that my baby girl is ok.  Thank you that it was not her fault (sorry but I knew she would be really upset if it was!)  Thank you that I really have no idea how to deal with this since Thank you God I haven't had to.  I thought about calling several people to get advice or opinions and I thought - why?  I am a big girl and I don't need someone else to tell me what I should do.  I've got this!  The way I always relied on my Dad my daughter relies on me and I will do exactly what my father would do and handle it!  Then the times that I have had these issues happen (I was married) ran through my head.  I had forgotten all about those few times.  But I was proud of how far I had come that my first instinct was to thank God for it all.  I was starting to write this blog about gratitude and how grateful I am that God has given me this fabulous place of surrender and how peaceful and joyful my life is and how I am no longer looking for something to bring that to me and that I can't fix anyone else's lives- no matter how much I love them and want to- and I just need to live my own! And then this not so fun thing happened today and it still just reinforced that.  Instead of it just destroying all the progress I've made it made it stronger.  We even felt so badly for the other driver because he was just so nice and patiently waited for me to get there and then for the police and he got a citation for following too close (they were both stopped at the light and he admitted he had things on his mind and just took his foot off the brake- he's human!)  He apologized to my daughter again and again and just took the citation and didn't blink.  The police officer even felt badly too...have I mentioned how much I love living here?!?!?

Last week we were in Arizona so my daughter could meet her niece and we had lunch with one of my besties.  On the way back to my son's house my daughter mentioned how my friend's life seems to stay the same, like she's got all this stuff that has been going on for over 10 years.  I agreed and it also got me thinking how my life would look if I hadn't made all the changes I have and I just could not imagine living in that unhappiness.  Were the changes easy.....ummmm no.  Were they scary?  Not really because I knew that God had me, but to the average person - terrifying.  Were they worth it?  Every...single...one of them!  I can see now why certain things had to happen the way they did.  I can see the things I had to learn to become who I am today (I like her...she's really cool!) And most importantly I have been the example to my daughter of what it means to be self sufficient and happy!  Has everything turned out the way I wanted....no...but the story isn't over yet. I have faith that God will bring me better than I've lost and more than I've dreamed of.  Because I am so grateful for this day in the life......

Jesus take the wheel, take it from my hands

 This morning my daughter took the wheel and I was forced to surrender control and so many things came together in that 15 mile drive.  We joked - Jesus take the wheel - and as we were driving I realized how much I am on autopilot when I drive and honestly in my life. She thanked me for being patient, but I did not feel patient.  My cousin texted Jesus take the wheel and I laughed at the repetitive message God was sending.  I believe in God's magic, His ability to change things in a moment - to perform miracles.  I have just lost hope that those will be to my benefit.

I began last week with some fated meetings at the airport and in the hotel lobby during my trip to Arizona to shower my future granddaughter with love and presents.  It reminded me how God has a plan and certain meetings and people are brought into your life in an instant.  I was full of hope and excitement about what these meetings could bring in the future. By the time this week ended I realized my intuition is broken and nothing that I really believed was going to happen is happening. But I was reminded to once again hand everything over to God and to give up my vision for my life and my children's lives for His vision.  Jesus take the wheel.

I realized that my heart has grown cold and I don't allow myself to feel the way I used to.  Until I saw

my son waiting at the gate for my arrival.  One look at his handsome face and the tears flowed.  My heart swelled and ached with missing him at the same time.  He has a life now that I am really not apart of and I was reminded of how my parents must have felt every time they stepped off a plane to me and my children who had grown since the last time they saw them.  It is really difficult to imagine that I was so oblivious to how they were feeling because I was consumed with how I was feeling.  I realized the next time I see him he will be a father and I will be coming to see my beautiful Granddaughter.  The thought of that makes me break down in tears and his entire life flashes before my eyes.  When he was born, kindergarten graduation, baseball games, first communion/confirmation, hospital visits, surgeries, high school graduation, leaving the airport after dropping him at college, moving away again and again, his wedding - how is that all behind us?  I had time alone with him and time with just him and his sister and I remembered how it used to be.  How is that time gone?  And normally I embrace each phase as it comes and as excited as I am to be a Gigi, I would give anything to go back in time and live my children's childhoods over again.  I have never felt that way before and thank God, because it is heartbreaking.

I have never lived with regret, and I still don't.  I don't regret anything except believing my intuition

about certain situations.  It was wrong so many times I am realizing.  I thought maybe my intuition was just behind divine timing playing out.  But I am realizing what I thought was intuition was just merely wishful thinking.  So now what?  Where do I go from here?  This week the term hobby was thrown around a bit.  What are your hobbies?  Hmmm.  Good question.  One I do not have an answer to.  Should I?  Do I need to develop hobbies?  It got me to thinking and I started asking people what are your hobbies?  I realize women have way less than men.  Men will say golf, fishing, running, hiking, gardening, insert a sport.  When I ask women they pause - and most don't have an answer.  Why?  I think it's because women as a whole focus more on relationships then on hobbies - maybe I am being sexist or some other non-politically correct thought.  But at the moment that is how I feel.  I have poured my entire life into relationships - partner, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, friend and I have realized that no one treasures those relationships with me like I do with them.  I have spent the last several years focusing on myself and building my sense of self worth and pursuing what makes me happy.  But I am who I am and who I am is a woman who loves so fucking deeply and who will never receive that same love back no matter what the relationship.  And now?  I am okay with that.  It is who I am and I am done apologizing for it.  The difference is now I don't forget to love myself and accept myself for who I am, even if no one else does- I know what I bring to the table and I know that the people I choose to keep in my life and give that love to are lucky to have it.  And those who have lost that, well sucks to be you honestly because you'll never find that commitment, caring and love again.  My oldest son told me the other day I love mommy 2.0 - me too son; me too!

I realized my level of gratitude for the things God has provided has been lacking.  I have been in a place of sadness and disappointment for things that will never be and things that once were that are gone now.  It is time to count my blessings again and even if they don't look the way I hoped, I've been gifted another day in the life.

On the path unwinding, in the circle of life

I just celebrated my baby girl’s 21st birthday, and I still can’t believe how quickly the years have flown by. It feels like just yesterday I was hearing her first cry in the delivery room - as soon as they made the incision on my stomach. I breathed a sigh of pure relief because I knew all is well with the precious cargo I carried for nearly 40 weeks. The room was filled with laughter, and when I saw her for the first time, she was perfect. She still is in my eyes.

She’s my best friend in this world, and I’m so, so blessed to have her. Watching your child grow up is one of life’s greatest joys—and lessons. It’s a profound reminder of the circle of life. I often find myself identifying with my own mother and wondering how many times I hurt her without ever realizing it. There’s so much I didn’t understand until now. I’m grateful every day that my daughter appreciates me as much as she does. She thanks me for things I don’t even realize I’ve done.

Watching her blossom in our new surroundings has been incredible. Moving here felt like stepping into the life God planned for us. From the moment we crossed the state border, we could feel the difference, even though we were tested right away with some challenges. Thankfully, those moments passed, and we were able to enjoy the fresh start we’d waited two years for. The past six weeks have been truly a blessing.

When a friend recently texted, “Nine degrees? Any regrets?” I didn’t hesitate: “Not a one.” It is really crazy how quickly we adjusted to hats and coats and socks, gloves and well, shoes.  We belong here!  We’ve also started exploring the area together. A few nights ago, we went to a Pentatonix concert, and the female lead said "if you came here with your mom, give her a hug",  we both teared up. My daughter hugged me and told me once again how grateful she is for me.  She took a lot of photos that night and she gets so happy when she sees how much we look alike.  I am so grateful for that.  I always feel badly when people tell her she looks just like me, like what if she doesn't want to (I know - strange!  I was always told I looked like my dad and it bugged me - I wanted to look like my mom and I think I do now!)

This past week brought a lot of challenges that in the past would have leveled me.  But it also brought some incredible things that reminded me of the miracles God brings in His time. As they sang Hallelujah, I felt that familiar swell of gratitude for the life I’m living and for the way it’s unfolding.

Sometimes the circle of life takes my breath away. My life looks so different from what I once imagined. I dreamed of growing old surrounded by my kids and grandchildren, family dinners, and holidays together. But looking back, aside from being a single mom, I’ve realized I’m reliving my parents’ life. They moved away when I was 20, and we never lived in the same state again. I moved to Arizona, far from family in New York, and now my children have built lives apart from me.

Still, my parents found ways to stay deeply connected to me and my children, and I hope to do the same. This new chapter excites me. My children are adults now, and I no longer play the central role in their lives. They want me to support them when they ask and that’s okay. Now, it’s my turn—to pursue the life I want and the happiness I deserve.

Through it all, I’m grateful for the bond I share with my daughter, one that reminds me so much of my relationship with my own mother. My mom was always my go-to person, my friend, and my support system. That’s what my daughter and I have, and I know it will never change.

By her 22nd birthday, things will likely look different. She’s blossoming, starting the next phase of her life, and I couldn’t be more excited for her. Watching her grow into the person she’s meant to be is an incredible gift. I’m so proud of her and so grateful to have a front-row seat to her journey.

And that… is not just a day in the life.

 

I beg your pardon....I never promised you a rose garden-- along with the sunshine, there's gotta be a little rain sometimes

 Well, the movement and clarity I have been waiting for has finally arrived.  It has been just over 2 years of waiting.  But just when I was starting to think my God GPS was broken, it came through.  So now the "fun" begins.  The packing, the moving, the setting up utilities, scheduling all the things that come along with it.  But with that comes an excitement I have not had since I moved to Arizona in 2004.  Another cross country move (dear Lord please let it be the last!) to places unknown.  When I left New York in 2004 I was so   excited for this new chapter I really did not have time to be sad.  (packing up a 4-bedroom house with 2 boys and an infant did not leave any time for much else).  When I left Arizona for Florida, I was not excited, but I was not sad.  I knew that was where I needed to be but I was never excited to live here.  8 years later it's time to leave and I am ready and excited!  But today I was driving around and singing at the top of my lungs and dancing in the car and I was just so grateful and happy.  But then....it hit me.  I have to say goodbye to my parents' home for the last time.  I will never drive past my dad's old barber shop again.  I will never think - oh this is the way I used to drive to pick Pop up.  Or oh, I used to go there with my mom all the time.  I came home and was packing the little stuff we have here, and I came across my dad's barber jackets.  They were still hanging in the closet nearly 3 years later.  Now, I have been brutal with this move.  I have had no sentimentality whatsoever; I have been donating every week with not a thought.  But those jackets brought me to tears.  No.  I cannot get rid of them.  I have no idea what I will do with them, but they are coming on this journey with me.  Then I was going through my winter clothes (yes, I am going to need winter clothes) and I found his red sweater and the sweatshirt he was wearing the last time I saw him.  My God will I EVER stop missing them?  The answer is no.  

Even when your prayers are being answered and you are excited and grateful, there are also things that are sad or painful.  Change is not easy.  It doesn't always look the way you thought it would.  Life is about to change in a big way and I am letting my faith guide me.  So, what I am holding onto is that God never promised change would be easy, following his path for your life - isn't always easy.  But - if we focus on the good and stay grateful even after it leaves us, then no day is just a day in the life.

Rising up…straight to the top. Got the guts got the glory

I forget a lot of negative things in life.  A lot.  I have worked really hard to focus on the present moment (as that is all we are promised).  This week the past has come back with my creme filling son in a positive way and a negative way.  I got to see him back on the field for the first time in 5 years.  I cannot even type that without tears streaming down my face.  I cannot explain the range of emotions I experienced that night.  Nostalgia, excitement, sadness, happiness, faith and confirmation.  Confirmation that everything happens exactly as it should and that when you have faith and hope and conviction in your prayers- God delivers.  Now, he's playing in a men's softball league---so many would say, SERIOUSLY?  What's the big deal?  (Including my son, who laughed when he took one look at my face and knew I was about to cry).  Yes!  Seriously!!!  I wrote an entire book about how the game of baseball saved my son's life.  His love of that game and his desire to be on that field kept him fighting though his battle of childhood cancer.  When he decided to leave the game of baseball in college, I knew it was the right decision.  I was, however, afraid he would never pick up a glove again.  He said as much.  I knew, in my heart, that that would be a big mistake.  However, he has a lot of things he wants to accomplish in his life and this was not the time for baseball.  He has since completed his bachelor's degree, gotten his real estate license, moved out of state and back, gotten married, purchased his first brand new home, (not in that order)at the young age of 23.  So, when he decided it was time to join a league I knew that divine timing was at play.

Last night he asked me for some pictures of when he had cancer.  He has never wanted to look at those before.  I asked why.  He said, "It's childhood cancer awareness month".  I forgot.  So I shared a file I have of pictures of just him.  I kept adding the cancer ones (noticing there were none of the two of us together--hmmm) He said, "I do not recognize that boy.  You don't have to go through anymore mom if it's too hard for you."  Huh?  I said I don't mind it AT all.  All I feel is proud and happy when I see those pictures.  He replied "WHY?"   I said "WHY?  Because look at you now!"  To which he sent me a wiseass selfie commenting on yea, now I have hair.  I said No!  Without that little boy, this man would not be who he is!  So as heart wrenching and AWFUL as it was---I can't wallow there.

I will honor September as National Childhood Cancer Awareness month, and I will keep all of those families in my prayers as they battle this horrific disease.  I know not everyone is blessed to have our outcome.   I am grateful EVERY day for DTM's life and the man he has become.

Because not every day is JUST a day in the life....

Someday I hope you get the chance, to live like you were dying....

 

Well, it's been quite a week.  My heart is hurting and my mind has been spinning and I'm not sure if I'll be able to get this into words, but here goes.

Two weeks ago I gave up.  I realized that it didn't really matter if the end of life was coming because honestly, what was the point?  I have spent the majority of my life looking on the bright side, turning negatives into positives and making the best of unanswered prayers and focusing on the ones that were answered.  Age has always been just a number to me, but during that time I was getting really sad and upset that I would be turning 56 in a few months and my life didn't look anything like I thought it would and I didn't see any change in that in the future.  I decided to shut down from social media, my phone, pretty much everything.  I started to realize how alone I really am.  Yes, it was a pity party, but I deserved it.  I realized how I am always there when someone needs me, but when I reach out or I need someone most people's responses are based on what is going on in their world.  Not being a priority is a trigger of mine----because I make those I love my first priority always.  So, as what has become the norm these past 10 years, my circle became smaller.  I learn a lot about myself during these times, but honestly?  I'm tired of the self reflection, self work, self change.  It's enough already---when is it enough?

I had a conversation with my dad about my view on this whole virus and I told him----you raised me to know that when it's my time to go, it's my time to go and I'm okay with that.  I started thinking that my kids would be fine and they had each other.  It was a really, really DARK place.  Then I realized when I tried to call on my Angels and bubble myself in a blue bubble of protection---I couldn't see.  I could not see color---everything was grey and dark.  That had never happened before.  It scared me.  I realized I hadn't called on my Angels in a really long time.  A conversation with my first born inspired me to go back to that place.  He insisted if I could bring HIM to spirituality than I could do anything.  That boy is saving my life the way he did when he was born.  He made me a mom---my true purpose and now he was bringing me back to life again.  Just in time too, because this past week was a rough one.

I received information that my very first boyfriend when I was in 7th grade was battling pancreatic cancer, and not doing well.  He was the sweetest, curly haired boy with a smile that could move mountains.  I remember our brief "relationship" and a field trip we took to an amusement park and how we held hands on the bus and the music that was playing during that trip.  We touched base a few years ago and reminisced about his mom's religion class where we met and that infamous trip.  He used to carry my books and he was honestly just the kindest boy.  Looking back, he was too nice to me---I didn't handle that well for many, many years.  When we were in high school he was one of the most popular boys in school and always was a special memory to me.  A few months ago I woke up in the middle of the night and thought I needed to reach out to him.   I didn't.  I didn't even look up his social media or I would have realized he deleted them.  Now I know why he came to my mind after all this time.  He is sick.  His attitude is fabulous, he welcomes messages and calls and is going to be an inspiration to many I know! I instantly chastised myself for worrying about turning 56 when my childhood friend was fighting to see 56!  How selfish of me!  I began to count my blessings and work on reconnecting to my angels and working on a project my son has been urging me to undertake.

Than, yesterday morning I received news that a boy I grew up with passed away while flying from Florida to New York unexpectedly.  He was an incredible husband and father!  I have been friends with his wife since the 80's and I connected with his daughter through my Chat With Your Angels page, I have done some readings for her.  How could this be?  This man who devoted his life to his family, gone in an instant.   I just can't get past it.  This tough kid who used to tease me all the time in Elementary school is gone.....

 What am I doing? Life is too short to spend doing anything but what makes you happy.  It is time to start counting my blessings again.  Time to thank God for every single day!  I broke out the gratitude journal which has been dormant for a while, I am setting aside time to work on my angel project with my son encouraging me just enough to keep me going.  I lost that girl, but these 2 men from my childhood will inspire me to make sure I don't lose her again.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today----No day should ever be JUST a day in the life......cherish each one.  

Filling the Void

Think back on a time when you were really happy.  Can you feel the excitement?  The joy?  The just overwhelming feeling of gratitude for this incredible experience?  We've all had them. For me....those moments always had this feeling that it wasn't complete.  I felt the joy and the gratitude but there was a feeling that something was missing.  I would talk myself out of it.  I would tell myself that I was expecting too much, that I was afraid the happiness wouldn't last and talking myself out of the happiness....it made sense, right? Well until recently it did.

There were other times that I was finally doing something that I had always wanted to do, or maybe an event I had waited for finally arrived and I should have been over the moon.  But, in my chest, next to my heart there was this feeling....like something was wrong, or missing.  I would tell myself I was nuts, it's in my head.  I wish I had listened to my gut.  Listened to that feeling and known that it was not right.   I'd like to say that at this point in time I've learned my lesson.  But you know what they say, hindsight is 20/20.  Each time I go through one of these situations I take some of that into the next experience and I always take away something to help in the next one.

I think I've been so trained to have no expectations so that I wont be disappointed that sometimes I watered down my needs and desires until I settled for so much less than what brought me fulfillment.  This is what caused the void...the hole, the dissatisfaction that I felt deep in my soul.  How to fix this?  Well, first of all I think it's important to truly get to know yourself.  The real you, not the you that society tells you to be, the you that makes your heart pound and overflow with love and happiness.  The real you that admits things that may not be popular to the rest of the world.  That's the person that can tell you what needs to be done to make your soul sing.  Once you learn to listen to that voice, that person inside then you can begin to fill the hole inside.  But you need to trust it.  The whole process.  It will bring you to places you've never dreamed of.  For me?  It all began with a list.  A wish list for the important things I wanted.  And then, the key was to let go of how those things would come to me.  I just knew they would.  And from that moment on life began filling in the void.  If you would have told me 6 months ago that my life would be what it is right now I would not have listened. But I knew, in that deep part of my soul, that it would be amazing...I just couldn't see the hows and the whys, but guess what?  That's the key...letting go of control and allowing life to flow.  The results are beyond amazing.  Spectacular.  The void is gone and the hole has been filled.

My philosophy on life is that everything happens for a reason.  I love watching life unfold and realizing why things in the past have happened.  It gives me peace to know that the events that had unfolded were all part of a master plan.  This is part of the reason why I have no regrets in life.  I know that, even though I could have learned lessons more quickly and less painlessly, the timing of everything is the way it should be. You are exactly where you are supposed to be at any given moment.

Stop the World I wanna get off....

The past 24 hours have been a roller coaster of emotions and feelings and thoughts and decisions.  I was so amazingly happy yesterday morning.  I had the world on a string.  I was thanking God for blessing me with this perfect life and I was loving that life. What happened between then and now?  Today I am done.  I am ready to check out of society and find a cave somewhere to live out the rest of my days alone.  I don't even recognize myself.  I am overwhelmed.

The life of a mom is not easy....the life of a single mom, while not harder than a married mom, has it's own unique challenges.  I have been a single mom for 20 years.  Even when I was married.  I could never rely on my ex husband as a partner in parenting.  He was a piggy back parent.  If I was mad at the kids he was 10 times as mad, if I was proud then he was proud, you get the picture.  So I'm tired.  I'm really really tired.  I have poured my life into being a good mom and I believe I succeed on most days.  However, there are some days when I just want a day off.  I've never had one.  You are probably like, sure, whatever, this chick is delusional and a crybaby.  People that truly know me know I'm not lying.

Some days I just feel like I can't do anything right no matter how I try.  Sometimes I lose it and start ranting and raving about how tired I am and how I need a break.  I hate those days.  I don't want to BE that person, but I'm human.  And by feeling everything as deeply as I do (the good, the bad AND the ugly) it exhausts me sometimes.  I become numb.  Which is where I am today.  Numb.  And I want to cry...a lot.   Then I dust myself and move on.  I deactivated my face book account today because I was going to become one of those people who just post random angry and negative thoughts---ain't nobody got time for that (said in my best imitation of the viral video).  So, like an addict I went cold turkey.  It feels good.  I am deprogramming myself from technology, it's necessary.  My mind is overflowing with STUFF that I feel I need to address and I am just not capable of doing it all.  Something's gotta give.

Unfortunately, this week it was my housework--jeez what a mess.  Then I realized....I am a schedule oriented person and my schedule has been completely undone these past 2 weeks and I haven't been meditating daily and doing the things I usually do to keep myself from feeling overwhelmed.  So today I retreated to my room (I like being sent to my room as an adult, how about you?) and I put on a meditation and then took a nap!  I woke up feeling a little bit more myself and ready to face the rest of the day.  Then I got a text from my friend Melody who said, "It'll be okay Tina, you're just having one of those days"--totally what I needed to hear.  Then I heard my oldest son singing a silly made up song and his siblings laughing...and I realized---it's all gonna be ok!  It's just a day in the life.