Someday I hope you get the chance, to live like you were dying....

 

Well, it's been quite a week.  My heart is hurting and my mind has been spinning and I'm not sure if I'll be able to get this into words, but here goes.

Two weeks ago I gave up.  I realized that it didn't really matter if the end of life was coming because honestly, what was the point?  I have spent the majority of my life looking on the bright side, turning negatives into positives and making the best of unanswered prayers and focusing on the ones that were answered.  Age has always been just a number to me, but during that time I was getting really sad and upset that I would be turning 56 in a few months and my life didn't look anything like I thought it would and I didn't see any change in that in the future.  I decided to shut down from social media, my phone, pretty much everything.  I started to realize how alone I really am.  Yes, it was a pity party, but I deserved it.  I realized how I am always there when someone needs me, but when I reach out or I need someone most people's responses are based on what is going on in their world.  Not being a priority is a trigger of mine----because I make those I love my first priority always.  So, as what has become the norm these past 10 years, my circle became smaller.  I learn a lot about myself during these times, but honestly?  I'm tired of the self reflection, self work, self change.  It's enough already---when is it enough?

I had a conversation with my dad about my view on this whole virus and I told him----you raised me to know that when it's my time to go, it's my time to go and I'm okay with that.  I started thinking that my kids would be fine and they had each other.  It was a really, really DARK place.  Then I realized when I tried to call on my Angels and bubble myself in a blue bubble of protection---I couldn't see.  I could not see color---everything was grey and dark.  That had never happened before.  It scared me.  I realized I hadn't called on my Angels in a really long time.  A conversation with my first born inspired me to go back to that place.  He insisted if I could bring HIM to spirituality than I could do anything.  That boy is saving my life the way he did when he was born.  He made me a mom---my true purpose and now he was bringing me back to life again.  Just in time too, because this past week was a rough one.

I received information that my very first boyfriend when I was in 7th grade was battling pancreatic cancer, and not doing well.  He was the sweetest, curly haired boy with a smile that could move mountains.  I remember our brief "relationship" and a field trip we took to an amusement park and how we held hands on the bus and the music that was playing during that trip.  We touched base a few years ago and reminisced about his mom's religion class where we met and that infamous trip.  He used to carry my books and he was honestly just the kindest boy.  Looking back, he was too nice to me---I didn't handle that well for many, many years.  When we were in high school he was one of the most popular boys in school and always was a special memory to me.  A few months ago I woke up in the middle of the night and thought I needed to reach out to him.   I didn't.  I didn't even look up his social media or I would have realized he deleted them.  Now I know why he came to my mind after all this time.  He is sick.  His attitude is fabulous, he welcomes messages and calls and is going to be an inspiration to many I know! I instantly chastised myself for worrying about turning 56 when my childhood friend was fighting to see 56!  How selfish of me!  I began to count my blessings and work on reconnecting to my angels and working on a project my son has been urging me to undertake.

Than, yesterday morning I received news that a boy I grew up with passed away while flying from Florida to New York unexpectedly.  He was an incredible husband and father!  I have been friends with his wife since the 80's and I connected with his daughter through my Chat With Your Angels page, I have done some readings for her.  How could this be?  This man who devoted his life to his family, gone in an instant.   I just can't get past it.  This tough kid who used to tease me all the time in Elementary school is gone.....

 What am I doing? Life is too short to spend doing anything but what makes you happy.  It is time to start counting my blessings again.  Time to thank God for every single day!  I broke out the gratitude journal which has been dormant for a while, I am setting aside time to work on my angel project with my son encouraging me just enough to keep me going.  I lost that girl, but these 2 men from my childhood will inspire me to make sure I don't lose her again.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today----No day should ever be JUST a day in the life......cherish each one.