They say old lovers can be good friends.....

Life just continues to twist and change.  When I first got divorced I didn't want to be in the same room as my ex husband.  It was weird and awkward and I needed to be away from him permanently.  I wanted him to have a relationship with our children that did not include me.  That did not happen.  He still tried to include me in every conversation/meeting/purchase that he made for them.  It was so frustrating to me that I just detached completely from him.  This was not what I wanted, I wanted to be able to be cordial and have an amicable divorce.  When people would see us together at events they were shocked by how well we got along.  Sure, because it didn't matter to me anymore.  I wasn't looking for anything from him but to be a father to our children.  I wasn't invested in the relationship anymore.  I had laid down my sword, so to speak.

We had a really bad patch for about 10 months where we didn't speak and it was vicious.  Things happened that I never thought would, he did things I never thought he would.  He was being influenced by people close to him that really didn't like me.  One of them our oldest son.  We got through that phase and slowly began to be friends again.  I have reached out to him a few times since he moved to Florida and he's been there for me and I am grateful.  He mentioned he had no where to go for Thanksgiving and asked what we were doing.  I told him we were going to Disney but he was welcome to come for dinner at noon.  My kids were shocked.  My sons have made peace with him and have created their own unique relationship with him.  My daughter, well she wants nothing to do with him and was less than thrilled but was accepting of it.  This week I had a huge issue with my car and I reached out to him for help.  Via text he said something that made me say wow.  you know me pretty well --- he could tell in a 4 word text that I was losing my shit.  He said obviously he did. 

He was here a week or so ago and we sat down to talk when he brought our son home.  Something came up and made us remember a trip to Disneyland when the kids were younger and he reenacted it and we were literally laughing until we cried.  My oldest and youngest looked at each other with bewildered faces.  They had no memory of what we were talking about.  It was so strange because it was like reminiscing with an old friend.  I truly forget that we were married for 23 years.  I look at him and it's like he's just someone I've known forever.  There is a comfort level there that makes certain things so easy.  We discussed Christmas and we still work like a well oiled machine when it comes to the kids.  He remembers all of those Christmases that we played Santa and I don't have to explain it.  He used to buy the kids and me an ornament every Thanksgiving to go with the Nutcracker, Snowman and Angel/Snow globe that I gave the kids.  Well the other day a box came in the mail and inside were wrapped ornaments with all of our names on them.  It was thoughtful things like that that kept me married to him for as long as I was.  He is a good person.  He means well.  He just isn't my person.  And he's not the father I thought he would have been----he's always taken care of the kids financially, but emotionally?  The relationship just isn't there.  It's sad.  Especially with my daughter---she is just perfection, she truly is.  And he doesn't know her----AT all.  And I don't know that she will ever give him a chance if he asked for it.  It's a gift to know her, truly a gift if she lets you in....and unfortunately the men that she did let in have let her down.  She's stronger for it.  She's fiercely independent and she's starting to explore the relationship world.  She's got her shit together.  Thank God.  She's got a balance of kindness and assertiveness, of compassion and no bullshit....Thankfully.

So, tomorrow....the five of us and my lovely daughter in law will have Thanksgiving dinner together for the first time in 7 years.  Will it become tradition?  I don't think so.  But I just couldn't let him be alone when there was no reason for it.  My sons will be able to watch football with their father and even though it doesn't matter to them it matters to me.  He has given me the 3 things I'm the most thankful for.  And for that I will always be grateful.

All my sorrows....sad tomorrows...take me back....to my old home

One of the best things about remaining friends with your ex is that you can ask them honest questions about what your flaws are and they'll answer them.  They have nothing to lose.  My ex husband and I aren't what I'd call friends, but we are very amicable and civil to each other.  We also are there for each other when needed.  For example when our moms passed away.  We offered a shoulder for each other and really helped each other out.  I asked him today what the best part about being married to me was and the worst part as well.  The best part was sweet to hear and nice that he recognized it.  The worst part was really eye opening for me and truly helped me realize something I didn't even know was being perceived that way.  Something for me to work on and I was truly grateful for the information.  Then he told me he was seeing someone and asked me to tell the kids.  Oy vey...some things never change.  But hey, I opened up the can of worms.  Very typical of our marriage and explains a lot about why we are divorced ;)

My oldest son came to me the other day with a chocolate bar in hand.  He gave me a huge hug and told me he loved me.  He said "ya know what Woman?  We are survivors.  No matter how many times we get knocked down we always get back up again and we always have each other's backs"  Interesting.  Especially coming from him.  I was glad to see he felt that way.  Time heals wounds and my relationship with him has gone through hell and back, but he knows that I will always be there for him and that means a lot to me.

THAT ENTRY WAS WRITTEN LAST FEBRUARY 2017

Funny because I had a very long and deep conversation with my ex yesterday and decided to write about it and I came across this in my draft folder.  Hmmm. funny how life changes yet stays the same.  As I write this my oldest son and I don't have a relationship.  He's living with his dad and isn't speaking to his siblings or myself.  So much for always having each other's backs.  His siblings and I will always have his back.  If he were to pick up the phone today to call or text us we would answer it. The reverse is not true.  He would ignore all of us. That being said my younger two kids don't have a relationship with their father at the moment.  Well, my daughter hasn't had one in 6 years, but it's new for my creme filling son.  He asked me to reach out to his father for some information he needed yesterday and I did.  It lead to another soul searching, eye opening conversation between my ex husband and me.  I see things so clearly with him now and being detached from any feelings towards him or any need to spend any time with him.  I don't bite at his comments that I know are leading me to have a negative conversation. He trusts me and I'm one of the only people in his life he can vent to.  Sorry...I don't want to be that person anymore and I've learned how to avoid those conversations. I can also say anything to him and I don't have to worry about him taking it wrong or getting offended.  He also knows my history and I know his. There is a comfort in that.  It was nice to be appreciated for my input and being able to be honest in a way that I was afraid to be when we were married.

After what I thought was the end of our conversation he sent me a you tube video and told me he couldn't get this song out of his head. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xTeI65yrhGw 
It broke my heart.  No one should live with regret.  It also reminded me to live in the moment, look forward to the future and forget the past. You never know what the the future holds, I'm sure no one says their wedding vows and thinks that they're going to get divorced some day.  I didn't raise my children thinking that at some future moment in time they wouldn't be speaking to one another or to me or to their father.  I said to my ex that it makes me sick how broken we are, that our kids aren't speaking to each other and he said words of wisdom...."just because we're broken now doesn't mean it won't be fixed."  Maybe.  Maybe not.  Life isn't that certain to me anymore.  Things I thought for sure would happen haven't and things I never thought would happen did.  The future is uncertain, that's why I make it a point to never say never.  I also make it a point to find the good in every single situation and every day I'm lucky enough to open my eyes.  Make memories you will want to look back on and forget the ones you don't....because after all....it's just a day in the life xo