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Tuesday, May 27, 2014

That's what Friends are For

Have you ever sat in a group of people and yet felt completely alone?  This happens to me a lot, unfortunately.  If you knew me you would probably be surprised by that statement.  I am very friendly and chatty, but I hate superficial conversations.  They bore me to tears. However, I've learned (the hard way!) that not everyone is trustworthy and I can't talk honestly to everyone.  So, that leaves me feeling very much alone, unless I'm around people I'm close to.  With that being said, I have changed so much in the last 5 years and even more so in the past year that I'm afraid the number of people I'm close to has been reduced to half a handful.  It makes for a lot of lonely times.  

I have always had a strong faith and belief in God.  I believe that whatever I pray for He will bring me whatever I need and/or ask for, not necessarily when I want it, but He delivers none the less.  I used to think it was coincidence that I would think something or feel something in my "gut" and then it would happen.  I now realize that those were answered prayers and my intuition giving me a heads up.  

I used to wonder how people could be friends with people on Facebook that they have never met.  Last July I prayed to God to bring me like minded people in my life.  I was changing so rapidly and I found myself alone in my way of thinking.  In September I started my business page on FB, Chat with your Angels and I was introduced to a few of the most wonderful women I've ever met.  These women have become my closest confidants, my daily dose of friendship and my soul sisters.  God always answers prayers.  I wasn't specific in where these friends would come from I just asked Him to send them. And send them He certainly did.  I know that I can shoot a text, or pick up the phone or email them and they will get back to me instantaneously.  That is priceless to me.  I can also tell them anything (and I mean anything) and I know they will "get it" and better yet, not judge me!  How many of you have people like that in your life?''  I know that someday I will meet them face to face and it will be like we've known each other our whole lives!

I wake up every morning expecting a miracle.  I know God makes them.  Then I realize that every moment is a miracle.  And even though there are times I feel alone I realize that I never am.  I have a wonderful family, amazing friends, 3 perfect children and a God that loves me and watches over me every second of the day!  And I have angels around me all the time that are just waiting for me to talk to them.  Who could ever feel alone?

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Love is a many painful thing.....

There is a reason that they use words like heartbreak, crush and heartache.  Because a broken heart hurts more than anything else in the world.  It's a pain that can't be described and only time will heal it.  There isn't a magic pill to take or bandage to use, it's just time.  Which is devastating in itself.  When we give our heart to another person it's a risk.  We hope and pray that they will treat it with kindness and respect and the TLC that we need, unfortunately that is rarely the case.  That's why we get our hearts broken.

When two people come into a relationship they are each damaged to a certain degree.  They each have their own baggage.  They do and say things that hurt the other person.  They each have their own agenda and somehow, someway they have to try to figure out how to compromise and have both people be happy and fulfilled.  I think World Peace would be easier.  I've given a lot of thought to and observed a lot of people recently and it just seems that in every committed relationship each person just seems unhappy.  The men think the woman are nags, overly sensitive, never satisfied and critical (all true).  The women think the men are selfish, take them for granted, are unromantic and don't help enough (again, all true).  How did they all go from being so happy and loving and giving at the beginning of their relationships to this?  It's that pesky word called EXPECTATIONS.  Once people get involved romantically they begin to expect things.  We each rely on someone else to fulfill our happiness.  In actuality, we can't ever truly be happy with someone else unless we are happy with ourselves.We are so busy avoiding the problems within ourselves that we are focused on pointing out the problems with someone else.  And that's when the downward spiral begins.  One person brings up a "flaw" in the other person (aka you're not meeting my needs) so the other person, not to be undone, returns the favor.  And the rest, is relationship disaster.

I still remember my first heartbreak.  I thought I was going to die.  I remember leaving the dinner table and throwing up in the bathroom because my stomach was in knots.  There was no texting then, no email, no call waiting, no caller ID, no cell phones....just the house phone that was usually located in the kitchen.  I remember sitting in the hallway with my feet up on the wall talking to my boyfriends for hours.  I also remember waiting for that phone call that one day just didn't come.  The heartbreak and devastation I felt was like a knife in my heart.  It never occurred to me that the boys were feeling the same things at times.  I'm very fortunate that my boys share their feelings and relationship situations with me.  The information and insight I've gotten from them really would have come in handy when I was their ages.  They feel just as deeply as I used to.  I always thought men didn't care, turns out I was wrong.  Their heartbreak is just as bad and deep.  And watching it as a parent is equal to or worse than experiencing the heartbreak yourself!  You just want to make it go away and you can't.  If you're like me you want to confront the person hurting your child and give them a good swift kick in the ass!  You want to explain to them that it's all going to be ok and it won't hurt forever....but that won't help either, they need to learn it themselves, unfortunately.

At some point, if you've been hurt enough you eventually stop feeling as deeply.  Sad, but true.  Eventually you might build a wall around your heart so big and so strong that it seems no one can break through...but then, if you are lucky, you will meet that certain person who will love you enough to climb over the wall and set you free from it, and you will finally realize why it never worked with anyone else.

Friday, May 23, 2014

Stop the World I wanna get off....

The past 24 hours have been a roller coaster of emotions and feelings and thoughts and decisions.  I was so amazingly happy yesterday morning.  I had the world on a string.  I was thanking God for blessing me with this perfect life and I was loving that life. What happened between then and now?  Today I am done.  I am ready to check out of society and find a cave somewhere to live out the rest of my days alone.  I don't even recognize myself.  I am overwhelmed.

The life of a mom is not easy....the life of a single mom, while not harder than a married mom, has it's own unique challenges.  I have been a single mom for 20 years.  Even when I was married.  I could never rely on my ex husband as a partner in parenting.  He was a piggy back parent.  If I was mad at the kids he was 10 times as mad, if I was proud then he was proud, you get the picture.  So I'm tired.  I'm really really tired.  I have poured my life into being a good mom and I believe I succeed on most days.  However, there are some days when I just want a day off.  I've never had one.  You are probably like, sure, whatever, this chick is delusional and a crybaby.  People that truly know me know I'm not lying.

Some days I just feel like I can't do anything right no matter how I try.  Sometimes I lose it and start ranting and raving about how tired I am and how I need a break.  I hate those days.  I don't want to BE that person, but I'm human.  And by feeling everything as deeply as I do (the good, the bad AND the ugly) it exhausts me sometimes.  I become numb.  Which is where I am today.  Numb.  And I want to cry...a lot.   Then I dust myself and move on.  I deactivated my face book account today because I was going to become one of those people who just post random angry and negative thoughts---ain't nobody got time for that (said in my best imitation of the viral video).  So, like an addict I went cold turkey.  It feels good.  I am deprogramming myself from technology, it's necessary.  My mind is overflowing with STUFF that I feel I need to address and I am just not capable of doing it all.  Something's gotta give.

Unfortunately, this week it was my housework--jeez what a mess.  Then I realized....I am a schedule oriented person and my schedule has been completely undone these past 2 weeks and I haven't been meditating daily and doing the things I usually do to keep myself from feeling overwhelmed.  So today I retreated to my room (I like being sent to my room as an adult, how about you?) and I put on a meditation and then took a nap!  I woke up feeling a little bit more myself and ready to face the rest of the day.  Then I got a text from my friend Melody who said, "It'll be okay Tina, you're just having one of those days"--totally what I needed to hear.  Then I heard my oldest son singing a silly made up song and his siblings laughing...and I realized---it's all gonna be ok!  It's just a day in the life.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

We may never pass this way again....

I woke up this morning and received a text from my ex husband that his mom, my children's grandmother, had passed away.  My immediate thought was that I had to tell my kids.  I had no idea how they would react, honestly.  They are very fortunate to have never lost someone very close to them.  Sadly, in actuality, this was no different.  Just because you are related by blood and genetics to someone does not make them close to you.  Love does....kindness does....and a sense that having that person in your life has somehow made it better does. I have lost Aunts and Uncles that I barely knew and was not very affected by their passing, yet we lost a family friend last year who was a huge part of my childhood and I cried for a week!  After that initial thought of telling my kids, I thought of Pop kids grandpa on their father's side.  He has lived the last 65 years with his wife---how do you begin to function after losing them?

I have always been irritated that whenever someone dies all of a sudden everyone around acts like the deceased was a saint.  Mother Theresa had nothing on them.  Sometimes, that's just not the case.  Sometimes you don't have wonderful memories of someone--why force it?  Send love and light and move on. I was surprised at how weird I felt all day.  I kept thinking that 2 years ago I would have had a very different role in this situation.  I thought of how sad it was that she never really knew the 3 grandchildren that I gave birth to.  I have no doubt that she was a wonderful grandmother to her other 17 grandchildren, but my 3 she was never truly comfortable around.  I reflected on my own life and whether or not those I love know how much I love them.  The answer would be yes.  My parents know how much I love them, I talk to them often and include them in details of my life and spend quality time with them whenever we can.  My sister---she's my best friend, she knows how much she means to me, I tell her all the time.  My brother?  Absolutely he knows. He hates when I tell him lol but he knows.  My Godsons--both of them---yup, they know I adore them and my 2 nieces know they are my girls! My brother in law and sister in law---you know they know it!  How?  Because I TELL them!  And I show them with my actions. They all know I am there for them no matter what, anytime, anywhere. It's important to me.  Like I said yesterday, I have very few people that I consider to be close to me and those people are my world.  I want my children to never wonder about my love for them...I don't want them to ever think I had a favorite--they are all my favorites.  And when they get married and have children of their own I will make it my life's purpose to treat all of those gifts from heaven as just that---my gifts.

How are you going to make your mark on the world?  What is the most important thing that you want to be remembered for?  So many people throw themselves into their jobs/careers and think that that is their legacy.  Really?  Is it?  Is that what you want people to remember about you?  What about how you spend the precious time you have on Earth--do you want to spend the majority of it working?  Or do you want to work to live and enjoy your life?  My brother in law is someone I look up to for that specific quality.  He works all week, and he works hard.  But that is just so that on the weekends, and on vacation, he can explore his passions---skiing and boating.  He enjoys his life!  Since I have gotten rid of the shoulds (that I discussed yesterdayand the guilt for not doing the shoulds I am enjoying my life that way.  It feels wonderful and I'm able to be happy and look forward to each day.  Can you say the same thing?  If not, maybe it's time to do a self evaluation and figure out how to change that.

I have spent too much of my life focusing on the future---oh, I'll be happy when ________.  I can't wait until ___________  because then things will be better!  NO!  You need to be mindful in the present moment and take the joy out of each one that we are given in this lifetime.  We are NOT promised tomorrow and we may never pass this way again, so spread love and joy and happiness to everyone you can and enjoy your life!  And someday,when the people I love are faced with hearing what my children heard today, that I went home to God,  I want them to have wonderful memories about how we laughed and cried together, how we enjoyed each other's company and how very very much I loved them.  That will be my legacy xoxoxo

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

What Other people think of you is none of your business.....

I have very few people that I consider close to me.  That's by choice.  I have a lot of people who think they know the real me and think they know me well.  They would be mistaken!  Those who are close to me know everything about me, I don't hold back, I don't hide anything I don't censor myself.  They know who they are.  As for everyone else?  It's on a need to know basis.  Weird, though because now I'm sharing my innermost, deepest thoughts and feelings with whoever happens to find my blog.  That's ok.  What other people think of me is none of my business!

For most of my life I was concerned with people's perception of me.  I had a voice in my head (usually my parents) that told me what was acceptable, what I should do, how I should feel....based on those rules of society and what other people thought was right.  Being married to my ex husband for 23 years and dealing with his family (who never approved or liked me no matter WHAT I did)  really messed with my head for most of my adult life.  I was used to having people around me that liked me, who thought I was pretty great.  Not them....I was Satan in their eyes.  Everything I did or said or felt was somehow wrong and didn't fit into the mold they wanted me to fit into.  I used to get physically sick (yes, throwing up!) before a family event because I would feel so awful and sad being around them. Then, I had my son.  My whole life changed after I became a mom.  I didn't allow anyone's feelings to influence what I thought was best for him.  "Oh, all he wants is you!"   "You're gonna make him a mama's boy!"   "Why won't he go to anyone else?"  "It's not healthy."  and my all time favorite "Let him cry, it will strengthen his lungs."  What the HELL, did they even hear themselves???  I didn't listen to any of it....well that's a lie, I listened and still did what I thought was best, but I used to let it eat away at me.  Oh they don't approve, oh they're talking about me behind my back, they think I'm a bad mom....It upset me, but I didn't allow it to change my actions.  As time went on I let it affect me less and less.  By the time my daughter was born nearly 10 years later I was immune to their insults and their disapproval.  Then I moved across the country and I never had to deal with it again.  I credit my in laws for helping me become the person I am today.  The me who does what I feel is right and doesn't justify it to anyone else.  I like her way better than the 20 something year old girl throwing up and crying before going to a party.

The reason I chose this topic to write about today is because I've come to realize that the people around me that are unhappy or frustrated or sad are all allowing those beliefs to take up occupancy and control in their lives.  It's so hard to allow all the good things to flow into your life when your thoughts are full of shoulds and coulds and don'ts.  I used to make myself crazy with guilt or lists going through my head whenever I would sit down to relax, or read or just ENJOY life.  "Oh, I should be doing dishes, or laundry"  or " Nancy invited me to go to the zoo and I really don't want to, but I don't have any reason not to go, so I guess I will just go. "  And then spend the day at the zoo pissed off because I didn't really want to BE there!  C'mon, how often does that happen to you?  Also, New Years Eve---I hate New Years Eve because every year I felt like I should be doing this or that or the other thing, when in actuality I would love to have just gone to sleep like any other night---too much pressure and let down after it isn't as perfect as you pictured it to be.  It's JUST another night for cryin' out loud! My dream for New Years eve is to one year spend it in Disneyland, other than that I couldn't care less.  What about all these video proposals?  Seriously? Why do you need a million people around you on the single most intimate moment in your relationship to date?  No thank you.  Why does everyone feel they have to prove to the world that they have a perfect life?  If it was so perfect you'd be out living it and not documenting it on face book and you tube and twitter!!!! How can you allow yourself to just be who you are and not live up to someone else's expectations?   The answer----LET IT GO!  Allow yourself to be who YOU want to be!!!!  Don't let anyone else influence that.   The people that truly love you, will love you no matter what.  You have no one to impress.  In my opinion, my life is a show that has to impress only and God.  What everyone else thinks of me is none of my business xoxo

Monday, May 19, 2014

Growing Pains

My son is home from college.  We've had a rough, very very rough year.  Growing pains, he's changed, I've changed and it made for an emotional and heartbreaking year.  Truth be told I was really nervous about him coming home for the summer.  My 2 younger kids and I have developed a really comfortable routine with very little stress and strife.  The 3 times my oldest came home this year proved to be difficult and argumentative--it broke me.  I'm not going to lie---I spent the last 4 months as a shell of my former self.  We had a huge blowup on Christmas eve and I felt that everything I thought in my life was a lie.  I prided myself on being a really good mom and according to him that wasn't true.  I was in a depression of sorts and I finally started to pull out of it in April.  He seemed to have gone through the same because things started working more smoothly with us.  Then he came home to surprise me for mother's day and I got my boy back xo.  He was back to himself and so was our relationship.  Actually, it's even better than before, because he's grown so much and I no longer feel that it's my responsibility to make him happy.  I just support him, love him and guide him and of course be there to catch him if he falls.  Honestly?  Easier than the constant pressure I put on myself for the last 20 years!

The reason I'm bringing this up is because for the last 18 or so years I lost myself in the role of being a mother.  I planned and visualized the future, I did everything I could for them.  (I've since been told I did too much and left them unprepared for adulthood----guilty)  In my mind, my life and their lives were one.  I never thought about the fact that one day they'd have their own lives and I would merely have a guest spot.  That fact hit me when Son #1 went to college and I no longer had daily contact with him.  It made me reevaluate everything.  I needed to "get a life!"  I needed to find out what made me tick---what made ME happy, what did I even like to DO besides take the kids swimming and to the park and watch movies with them?  I was blank.  I felt nothing, I had NO idea!  I remember my friend Jen telling me that I had to choose what restaurant we went to for my birthday----I froze.  I couldn't decide!  How the hell did that happen to me?  How did I lose me in the mix?  I remember having a conversation with my sister and her saying, "If you had a whole day to yourself, what would you do?"  The thought sent me into a panic!  I would clean or organize something in the house....she said NO, it has to be something FOR YOU!....I froze.  I finally came up with, I'd go to the park and read.  How lame!  That's ALL I could come up with?  Well, it was a start!

Since that time in 2009  I have been spending lots of time finding me and I really like her <3

oh and PS having all 3 of my babies under one roof has brought me uninhibited joy!!!!!

Sunday, May 18, 2014

It's the little things....that become the big things

Life.....what is it really about?  Do any of us know?  Every day I wake up and I think, today I'm going to do everything right.  I'm going to be happy, and I'm going to be attentive to my children and clean my house until it looks like my mother's.  I'm going to follow the schedule and it's going to be exactly right.  And guess what?  Then I get out of bed.

Life isn't perfect.  I'm not perfect.  Hell, I don't even think I'd be happy with perfection.  My journey over the last 5 years has been a series of realizing what DOES make me happy.  Odd that I have to actually think about it.  It should be natural.  However, I've come to realize that all the things that have been implanted in my brain as things that I should do, and things that I need to have to make me happy are other peoples version of happiness, not mine.  

I grew up wanting to be a wife and a mother---that was it---it was that simple.  That was going to make me happy. So I lived my life waiting...waiting for the day that my dream would be realized and I would be a wife and a mother...I wonder how many things I missed enjoying while waiting for those things to occur.  I was always described as a happy person....but did I really look deep inside myself and think about what would make me happy?  Truly, blissfully happy?  I am a simple person.  I don't need a lot to bring me joy.  But I spent most of my life getting my happiness from making those around me happy.  Noble you might say.  Stupid is more like it.  Because if you allow your happiness to depend on someone or something else, then guess what?  They can take it away.  You can lose them, or the "stuff" you think you need to make you happy.  True happiness is found INSIDE of you....I've learned that.  Now I have to learn to live it----and unlearn everything I've been programmed to believe the last 49 years.  You are invited to come along for the ride.