You never know what's gonna happen You make your plans and you hear God laughing

 

Today was a doozy.  I have started a morning routine that truly suits me well and I am getting into the groove of it.  Part of it is taking some time to just be quiet and journal what I hear God speaking to my heart.  It has been very eye opening to say the least and it's become one of the favorite parts of my day.  And then today --- God said be silent, be still.  Now I cannot write those words without thinking of Freddie Prinze Jr. in the movie "She's All That" but, I digress.  I giggled to myself and waited for the rest of God's wisdom to come through.  Nothing.  Zero.  Zilch.  Pen poised, I waited.  Nope.  That was it.  Alrighty, next on the to do list.  So I assumed (ahhh why, oh WHY do I ever do that? - I am 60 years old, have I not learned yet?  Apparently not.) that today would be quiet and nothing much would happen.  And then this afternoon I got two texts back to back and a phone call and 2 things that I have felt strongly were coming soon happened.  Bam.  In the span of 5 minutes God answered prayers.  Not in the way I thought it would happen.  Not the outcome that I completely hoped for - BUT it is what I've prayed for and I went from one moment of status quo to the next moment - really big changes!  As I waited for the phone call that one of the text promised I was making tuna fish and I suddenly felt such nervousness I knew there was no way I could eat.  My daughter asked "Are you nervous or are you excited???"  Hmmm good question - no clue how to tell the difference at this point, so I said "well, it has proved to me once again that God can change everything in an instant - good or bad"

I can look back on my life, and I often do, to how one moment changed everything at various times in my life.  Sometimes things build up to the big change, but most of the time it changes in one moment.   Meeting someone randomly and that person becomes someone so significant in my life.  I remember when I was 15 turning 16 I was working at a local Carvel and this group of boys that I used to hang out with came to visit me at work.  One of them was THE boy (at the time) - little did I know that the company snitch was sitting out in the parking lot watching me while I worked and she called the boss and they came in and fired me on the spot.  Did I think - oh my father is going to kill me! - no.  Did I think my friend who got me the job was going to be mad?  Ummm nope.  I walked back with the boys in the snow and after having dinner at THE boys house by the end of the night I had a boyfriend and I was over the moon!  Job?  What job?  I was turning 16 and he liked me back - ahhh to be 16 again.   So in a matter of mere moments I was unemployed and had a boyfriend.  Talk about major life changes!  Other changes are more gradual - one day you're in high school the next you graduate - but you have 4 years to get used to that change.  One day you're single, the next your married - but again - there is a build up to that.  One day you are not a parent and the next moment you are - but again - 9 months leading up to that change.

I am a planner - always have been.  I knew I wanted to be married for 5 years and have my kids 4 years apart.  1994 - 1998 and 2003 (she had to be delayed for insurance purposes 😉.) It was not until I got the nudge to move to Arizona that I realized - my plans are not necessarily God's plans.  For a control freak like I was this was not an easy realization.  But - I followed my faith and it has grown stronger every year.  Even through the unexpected turns that I never saw coming and certainly never asked for.  But when I look back I can see why things happened the way they did.  Today's changes certainly did not happen the way I thought they would, but it still changed life as I know it in 10 minutes time.  I looked up to thank God and I swear I saw my mom in the kitchen with a pot - stirring it, with a huge smile on her face.  (and now I am crying)  I know she has been working overtime up there to get me to where I am suppose to be.

I am very excited (not nervous - well maybe a little) to see what is next.  I know this year will be a life changing one in many ways and it is off to a really great start.  I am open to the changes and new people it will bring my way.  No matter what is coming next I know that God has my back and there is my very own blonde angel in the kitchen stirring the pot to make sure that my life is as sweet as the pudding she used to make me when I was a little girl.  Remember, it's not always just a day in the life!

Feel the rain on your skin, no one else can feel it for you--only you can let it in

 New week, new month, new...no...not a new me.  Same old me.  Slightly reformed, definitely upgraded, but somewhere inside I am still me.  So many revelations in the last 4 days since March began.  Sometimes the thoughts race through my head so quickly I cannot even grasp them.  Something seems SO significant, yet when I go to write it down or even run it by someone I can't remember what was so important that I felt it HAD to be an epiphany.  Even as I sit here at my keyboard ready to spew out some profound realization my mind is racing.  So---here goes, not sure it will make any sense or if it will actually be read by anyone other than me, but I'll take a shot!

I have had the same meditation practice in the morning for nearly a year.  I have rotated devotionals and different forms of "manifestation"(I despise that word at the moment) and gratitude (love that word always!).  Lately it is leaving me flat.  I am finding that it feels more like a chore than the uplifting, spiritual connection I am looking for to start my day.  Ok, so switch it up right?  Yeah...ummm.that's a bit of an issue for several reasons.  1.  I cannot focus my brain on anything currently to even attempt to find something else to try.  2.  I am a quitter.  That's right, you read it right---I QUIT.  My mother used to call me lazy and a slob. It is one of those labels I have never been able to shake.  Even as I type it I feel the shame and tears creep up as if I am still that 13 year old girl who did not even understand it fully.  My mother was a machine.  She never stopped, never rested, never took a break.  My childhood home was spotless at any moment on any given day you could eat off the floors.  I felt like I lacked that gene, and as I became an adult I realized.....no...I resented it.  I resented that cleaning always took priority over everything else.  Mom, can we do xyz?  We'll see, after I finish vacuuming/dusting/laundry fill in the blank.  My mother felt that was her way of being valued/worthy/contributing.  It's a long story and I understand why now but remember I was a kid!  Stay with me.   I think this is going somewhere.

Ok, so when I became a mom I refused to let anything take priority over my kids.  My home was never dirty, but it was lived in.  I homeschooled and my kids always had a playroom and I refused to make them clean up the latest episode of Power Rangers or "Dirt" Men/Heros or Barbie's latest adventure at the end of the day because I knew the next day that play would continue and I would never mess with their creativity just for aesthetics.  Those days are long gone and I knew they would go fast.  My kids are all very neat and clean and orderly so it did not make them "slobs", it encouraged their creativity.  And they were always allowed to change their minds without negative feedback.  Which brings me back to me being a "quitter".  I have such a hard time when I realize something isn't working for me anymore - whether it be a journal, a book, a movie, a relationship, clothing---- you name it.  I always question - am I being lazy?  Am I not giving it enough effort?  Is it just a mood?  59 years old and I still need permission from that 13 year old girl to move on!

This morning my daughter and I were having our morning "debrief" as we have begun to call it.  And we were discussing this issue.  We have both started doing "The Magic" by Rhonda Byrnes.  We are on day 17 and it required a print out.  I printed 2 and I went to give her one. Well my incredible daughter said "Ma, that's not working for me anymore - I am just gonna stop doing it."  I squirmed in my seat, holding my coffee mug between both hands, "Um well I think I need to find something to replace it, I just..I mean I am ..."  "Tina Marie!" she exclaimed "No!  You are allowed to take a break!  Give me all those self help/spiritual books.  I think you've done enough work on yourself!  It's OK to just BE!"   She's so wise----no clue where she got that from.(kidding - I know I did an incredible job on her -I gave her permission to be who she is without labels.😇). Jeez, I am getting all misty and again my thoughts are all over the place.  Ok...where was I ....oh that's right....How to know when it's ok to quit/change your mind/ move on to something else.

When is it ok to give yourself permission to give up?  To say this is not working anymore I will no longer do this.  Does everyone have an issue with this or is it just me?  Yesterday I was watching some of my favorite trash/reality TV and a mother and daughter were speaking to a therapist and the mom said well I don't let things really bother me.  And slowly it came out that she took things that hurt her and put them away for a better time to address it...and eventually they all got shoved in a closet and were never dealt with.  And she came to the realization that eventually she stopped feeling---stopped feeling disappointment, hurt, sadness....hmmmm damn it.  I felt the tears flowing down my face.  Shit.   I thought all along I was growing and healing and look at me!  Nothing hurts anymore - I am bulletproof.  I am so easy going - look at me taking it all in stride.  I am a machine.......oh...where have I heard that before.  If we do not admit the mistakes we have made we are destined to repeat them.  I have protected my heart so much that I didn't even realize how much things hurt.  So....I pulled out my trusty journal and out it all came.  I am not a cold bitch after all.  I have just had too much hurt and disappointment and unrequited love and devotion for this lifetime.  That is why I keep people at arms length.  Not because I don't care, but because I care too much and it is rarely reciprocated (hence the self help books---there MUST be something wrong with me because no one really truly cares about me long term).  Well no amount of self-healing/work will change that so guess what?  I quit.  I am keeping this version of me and if I am the only one who accepts her then so be it.  I worked really hard on her. 

 I am grateful for any of you who actually got through this maze of thoughts (welcome to my brain lately-scary place).  There is another book inside me somewhere and I need to figure out what it is because I have been really needing a creative outlet.  Reading/doing "The Magic" has made me realize that maybe not everyone is grateful everyday....maybe people don't thank people for the little things --- maybe I am a "Wacko" (as my dad so kindly labeled me for many years)...so be it.  I will continue to try to shine a light when I can and not hide in the shadows when I can't.  I am ready to find that new morning routine that lights me up again and I won't stop until I find it....because it's not quitting, it is just a day in the life!