No one loves you like mama does, she's the blanket that covers you up....

 To say I am emotional today would be an understatement.  I woke up filled with nervousness....not sure why.  I am not a nervous person at all.  I cannot shake it.  I did have a strange, unsettling dream but usually by now I can just let it go.  But now I have something else that is adding to my emotions, something that I don't think I will ever fully be able to shake.

I am not sure how to word this, or if I should even ever post it.  But I need to get it down on "paper" and instead of a journal my angels are guiding me to put it out there---maybe it can help someone else?  No clue.  But here goes....

I was on the phone this morning and listening to someone talk about his daughter.  He said how even though she is married and pregnant with twins, she is still his baby and he needs to take care of her.  He has a son as well and he proceeded to compare the different relationships and said "there is something about a daughter"....don't I know that.  He then said, I hope you had that....with your dad.  I fought back the tears and said "I sure did."  My dad was my hero.  He took care of me until the day he died....damn he is still taking care of me.  How fucking lucky am I?  To have had this man take care of me my entire life.  That he has left a hole in my heart, my life and the lives of my siblings and children that can never be filled.  Did he set me up to realize that no one could ever fill his shoes?  Maybe.  But still....how blessed I am that I had that safe feeling my whole life, always knowing that if I needed him---he was there.

But.....that made me think of my daughter.  And that's when the tears truly fall.  She does not have that....nor do my sons, but it is different for boys-they have their own things they have realized due to their relationship with their father, and maybe that is for another post.  But for now...it is my daughter that concerns me.  Now, not to pat myself on the back, but all 3 of my children always know that I am there for them...that I will always do whatever needs to be done for them.  I know this.  But I had 2 parents that did that.  My daughter will never know what it is like to have a daddy like mine.  She has absolutely no relationship with her ....I am not going to use the phrase she uses to describe my ex husband.  She has not wanted one since she was 10 years old.  Hell, she never wanted one after the divorce, but I encouraged it so that maybe one day I would not be feeling this way.  But after several times of me ---well---forcing her to have some type of relationship with him and her being shown over and over again that her feelings are valid--I let it go.  She is 18 now, she makes those decisions herself and now she has literally cut off all communication with him.  And she is happy.  She is the most well adjusted 18 year old I have ever met, truth be told.  So maybe it is ok....maybe she will never realize what she missed out on.  Lord knows every one of her friends does not have the type of relationship with their dad that I did, so maybe I was just truly THAT lucky.  I don't know.  

I just feel like she deserves the world.  She has truly been the most perfect child since birth.  She is the epitome of what I would want in a daughter.   When people call her my mini me (which seems to happen lately EVERY time we are out together--it is really trippy lately) she beams with pride and I think---dear God, does she even realize that I am the one that is just so honored to be her mom?  For people to compare her to me?  She is just that fabulous!  She is strong and kind and funny and smart---and yet the other person who has a genetic connection to her cannot appreciate it at all.  In his defense (if I had a dollar for EVERY time I have said that in the last 33 years I would be rich) he is incapable of doing any better than he has.  Some people just are incapable of any more.  And it is his loss for sure---

But what if some day she realizes that she didn't have it?  And it hurts her deeply?  How will I fix that?  How will I not blame myself somehow for not making it right?  I am not sure I will.  I just pray that God continues to guide her and let her just always know that she has exactly what she needs.  Because she deserves absolutely everything---and I will do whatever it takes to make sure she has that.

Because it shouldn't be just a day in the life.....not for my baby girl

Because I'm 18 and I still live with my parents, yeah they're not like yours

 Happy 18th Birthday to my answered prayer.

That's right.  Today is a very special day!  18 years ago my daughter's best friend was born.  As a mom I have prayed since before my children were born for the right people to surround them in life.  My prayers for my daughter were different than those for my sons.  Not much, but there was one key difference.  For my daughter I prayed for her to find that one best friend that she would keep for life.  I have had several of those friends during my life, but I never had that one that lasted my whole life.  Eighteen years ago today my daughter's bestie was born.

When I took this picture as they drove away to graduation, I was so emotional.  I made them both promise to always stay close and remain as true to each other as they have been.  they laughed at me but promised!  It was in that moment that I realized my little Gracie Lou Freebush was the answer to that prayer I prayed so often during my daughter's life.  And I could not have chosen a better soul sister for my little girl.

And today I got to watch them in action and it is truly amazing.  Amazing how two young women could be so similar and so strong and so supportive of each other.  They have the same sense of humor (which is not easy because half the time no one else can understand what they're saying 😂  

Normally, I would have made a post for her on social media---but since I have gotten off of social media, this was the next best thing.  One of the things I love about GracieLou is how sweet she is.  She thinks about my LuLu's feelings and everyone else's feelings usually before her own.  She is 

honest, and funny and she is never afraid to be honest.  She is brave.  She stands up for what she believes in.  Soon she will go off to her next phase of life....college in South Carolina. I know Lulu will be heading up there to visit her soon.  What I love about their friendship is that they support and want the absolute best for each other----that is something I did not find until I was much older!  They are so lucky to have found this type of friendship so young in life.  There is no drama between these two, they are upfront and honest and so articulate (which is incredible since their high school clearly did not teach them this).

So, as you venture off to your next phase of life, my little GracieLou Freebush I hope you know how much you are loved and valued.  I pray that you always stay true to yourself and know how damn AMAZING you are!  Never doubt that (remember the conversation in your kitchen).  You will always have a place in our home no matter where that ends up being 😊.  

I love you like you are my very own (and trust me----that doesn't happen often, you know this!)  Happy Happy Birthday little Gracie Lou!  

They say it's your birthday......Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven Daddy....

 

Happy 92nd Birthday Poppa....your first one in heaven.  You are most likely so happy to be surrounded by all of those you've missed for so many years on your birthday.  It is your first birthday with your mom in more years than you can count.  Funny because this year will be the first one that I do not spend with DTM....the circle of life, huh daddy?  You used to talk about that all the time.  The quotes you used, your pearls of wisdom....they stay with me.  They are a part of who I am.  I hear your voice and your words every single day.  "Where you are, I once was" -  that's been a big one lately.  I miss you.  So much.  I know we all do.  

I found a disk of photos that you had taken over the years.  I downloaded them on my computer and it is so cool to see your perspective on what was important to capture.  It was also pretty funny that every picture I took of you and you took of me, we were making faces at each other....I guess I only remember our long talks over coffee, or after dinner.  I forget the goofy stuff.  That's why I miss the days of cameras instead of cell phones for picture taking.  

The baby graduated last week Pop.  It was the first and only one you missed.  DTM was quick to say that you and mommy were both together and there for it.  I am not gonna lie, I felt the empty seat.  I always feel the absence of your presence.  Even when you were grouchy and I could tell you missed the quiet of your own place, it was a blessing to have you there.  

Everything is changing Daddy.  I know you would say that's life.  Which I would then turn to mommy so she would comfort and baby me lol.  But you are right....it is life.  And sometimes dad?  It sucks.  How come you never showed me that?  How come you and mommy made it seem SO easy?  I can hear you laughing at me.  Shaking your head and saying "Ah baby, if only you knew."  I think about all the birthdays growing up that you made so special.  I always felt like a princess on my birthday.  And your birthdays....you shaking boxes and guessing what was in it---used to piss us off so much!  😁  And now?  What a party there is in Heaven today!  Strawberry shortcake, mommy's potato salad---I can see it now.  It makes my heart smile.  You deserve it daddy!  But what I would not give to run down the street and meet you at the corner and hang out the car window while you drove home.  I miss you.

We will celebrate you today.  I think I will have a manhattan instead of an appletini to switch things up.  I miss you.  Remember how you used to tell me to use my "poison pen" when I had something to say?  I am losing my gift daddy---the words are just not coming.   My get up and go just got up and went (as mommy always said).  I am hoping time truly does heal all wounds---you wouldn't lie to me wouldja daddy?  Because I will remind you when we meet again.  I will have a list, because I am your daughter.

I am sorry I am not full of eloquence and all these incredible snippets that you looked forward to in the past.  I'm not gonna lie Poppa....I haven't been myself since you left.  I think you took a part of me with you----can you send it back please?  I kinda miss her.  But I am stronger than I used to be---I will give you that.  I am your daughter. And you raised me to do whatever it takes no matter what, right?  Right.  So here we go daddy---the next phase of life.  Stay close please...because I always need my daddy.

Happy Birthday Poppa!  You are loved and missed more than you know.  I hope it is truly the best one ever and not just a day in the life xoxoxo 

Just stop your crying, it's a sign of the times...welcome to the final show!

 Today, my youngest child has her last day of high school.  Wow.  The end of an era.....the end of what feels like is my whole life and I am sure feels like it's been her whole life too.  She got picked up this morning, which made yesterday the last day I drove her and it was unbeknownst to me which was fabulous! .She got her cap and gown yesterday, but luckily I did not have too much time to get emotional because we had a dress disaster (note to anyone--do not order a dress with a pouf to go under a graduation gown unless you want to look like you are much larger than you are!

We have both been very busy and distracted these last few weeks.. She's been really enjoying her friends and activities and just really GOOD stuff.  But, she is my daughter through and through.  Last night as we had dinner and caught up on life she said that she was really drained.  It is catching up with her, all this social stuff.  We are definitely the same in that we need down time alone in order to recharge.  I think Monday it will possibly hit her--but I do not know.  This little girl whoops, this young woman has been through so much in her 18 years on this planet and she handles it all like a boss, I am not sure how it will affect her.  I just see a lot more emotion lately so I have to think it's all boiling up under the surface.  She thanked me on Monday for always showing her strength and how to handle things like a "bad ass bitch"--- it's funny, I feel like I have shown my kids my weakness more times than I can count---they have seen me at my worst, where I am crying so hard I cannot breathe.  But I guess, when it matters....when life really knocks me down, all they see is that I get up again and hold my head up and do what needs to be done.  And they follow suit.  I guess, that's what matters right?

I do not remember making a fuss over my son's last day of school---I guess it did not occur to me because I was excited for their next phase of life.  I knew it was not an ending but a beautiful exciting beginning. Also, they never seemed to make a big deal out of stuff like that.  For my daughter this is all a very big deal.  She told me her brother (cream filling) texted her this morning about it---she was really happy about that.  Normally, my daughter does not care about milestones or getting attention or recognition, so it's a really hard thing to know when she wants a fuss and when she does not.  But I know this is a huge event for her.  I hope I did not miss the boat with my sons, but hey, I am sure they would have mentioned it by now 😉  It is just that as my daughter ends this part of life, I am ending it with her.  And like many of her friends have confessed to me, they don't know what the next chapter looks like and they're scared.  Me too sweetie, me too. But it will all work out.  Maybe not how you thought, maybe not how you planned, but it will

She received the gold honors cord, my baby girl.  This kid missed more school than is legal.   But she always handed in her assignments and took pride in her work. Throughout these last four years alone she has dealt with moving, missing school to travel and be a bridesmaid in three weddings, cheer competitions, illness/turmoil in our immediate family, people she loves letting her down, a pandemic, rushing down several times to take care of her grandfather and ultimately the death of her grandfather-that is a lot for a high schooler to handle.   I know on Wednesday as I see her cross that stage I will feel that feeling of pride....that feeling of love swell in my chest.  The feeling of gratitude that God gave me this precious human being to raise and to love---and she is miraculous. I am so blessed to be the keeper of her secrets, her guidance system, her go to person.  I am sad that my extended family will not be at this graduation.  She was only given a limited number of tickets and she did not want to choose.  My oldest son will not be there as things are rocky with him right now.  I have always felt my daughter got the short end of the stick in so many ways.....this is no different.  She deserves a parade!  But instead, she'll get a moving truck and yet another goodbye as her brother moves back to Arizona.  She will get a time of uncertainty as we figure out what our next move is.  I know that this girl is tough as nails.  She rolls with the punches and finds the blessings in every situation.  She is grateful for the little things.  And I know that God is going to bless her with a magnificent future with more than she could ever imagine.  He will send her a husband who loves and adores her, and beautiful, healthy children and she will be the center of their world.  She will have a career that she loves until the time comes for her to focus on that beautiful family.  Because that is what she dreams of and she deserves nothing less. 

So, as I prepare to watch her embark on this next chapter I will continue to pray, and hold her close and cherish every moment with this beautiful human being and realize that in the grand scheme of things....it's just a day in the life.

When I look back on these days I look and see your face You were right there for me

 When I think I've healed, sometimes the grief hits harder.  Today I made the drive to my parents home.  I have made this trip more times than I can count over the last 25 years.  I think every single one of them came flooding back during those 3 hours.  There was a huge difference this time.....neither one of my parents would be there to greet me.  This is the first time I have come here since my dad passed.  The last time I was here I knew he would not be returning, and it hit me so hard I said I would not return.  Well, here I am.  When I got closer to the exit the sobs really overtook me.  I realized he would not be there with that huge smile to greet me.  Even typing it hours later the tears start flowing again.  How many times did I get off that exit, tired, stressed out, overwhelmed, scared, excited, emotional?  No matter how many times it all ended the same way - I would see him get up and come to greet me with that smile and a "hiiiiyaa baby!  it's so good to see you."  that hug....oh lord that hug.  I truly felt faint when I got out of the car.  My daughter felt it too as soon as she walked in.  His coffee cup was still sitting on the Keurig, still waiting for his return.  The tears came flooding again.  He never did get to "see the place again"....one of the last things he said to me in person was "I really thought I would get back to see the place again, I don't think I will."  Oh Daddy.....

Once we unloaded the car we took a brief inventory and made a trip to get the car washed (aka the love bug remains washed off) and then to pick up some necessities.  While I drove that familiar strip of road, I remembered how excited my sons used to be when we would come down on vacation.  They loved visiting Yaya and Poppa I think more than any other place on earth.  So many memories flashed through my mind.  My oldest jumping off the side of the pool until he couldn't breathe, playing at the coffee table with the new toys he inevitably got, my cream filling son in his stroller, walking with my mom and I up to go shopping, our trips to Playmobil that my boys looked forward to every time.  Zoo trips, the list goes on.  My daughter did not have those as much because we moved to Arizona when she was one and we would meet my parents in New York rather than Florida.  Yet, she still loved coming here, even after my mom passed.  

It is so strange because it doesn't feel like their house anymore.  It is just an address.  My mom's presence has been gone for a few years in my opinion.  Now that my dad is gone, it's just a place.  It does not feel connected to them anymore. The memories took place here, but it feels different.  I still see my daddy walking through the door after work, my mom and me in the kitchen making dinner.  Stopping to greet my dad, the kids running to see him.  Then in later years we would go pick him up at work---I treasured that time.  Sometimes it was just the two of us, sometimes one of the kids would come.  They loved picking Poppa up. 

I have not thought about these memories in so long.  Today, it is all that I can think of.  Everything in life is changing---absolutely everything.  And I know God has it under control.  I am just unsure as to whether or not God's plan will be remotely what I would like my life to look like.  So many things have made me realize that just because we have faith and believe in fate and destiny does not mean it looks the way you thought or would like it to.  Time will tell.  But for today.....it is just a really sad, emotional day in the life.

As the present now, will later be past--the times they are a changin'

Is there ever a time when things stay the same?  I look around at other people and they seem settled.  Their jobs stay the same, their addresses stay the same, their feet are firmly planted.  Everything changes for me....often.  Even my thoughts and attachments and desires change.  I used to hold on so tightly to control.  To plan every moment out, every detail, everything was scheduled.  I realized that was "wrong" and I taught myself how to go with the flow.  It was a difficult journey, but I got there.  However....now that I am here---I find myself not just going with the flow, but just not caring anymore.  About almost anything.  Is this normal?  Is this how people feel all the time?  I used to live my life with such gusto, such passion!  I loved with all of my being and fought for things I wanted/needed and could not live without.   Now?  I just feel like I have kinda laid down and just let life roll over me.  What's the point in fighting for anything?  If it's meant to be it will be and if it's not?  Well, then it's not.

I used to try to make my life better.  Make myself better.  I just don't have it in me anymore.  I am tired of being hurt, and disappointed.  So---if I just stop caring that can't happen anymore. Truth?  Yes.  But am I really living?  I don't know.  It doesn't really matter because it is what it is.  I cannot change my feelings or lack of them. 

Easter had me thinking a lot.  As much as I do not miss the stress of preparing holidays (coordinating outfits, hundreds of plastic eggs being filled, dying eggs, finding cellophane to match the baskets---you get the drill) I do miss the fun.   I miss being excited--I don't get excited anymore.  This morning I dropped my daughter at school and I realized very soon it will be the last time I ever drop one of my kids off at school!  I would not allow myself to go there.  You know that saying that if you knew it would be the last time you were going to do something you would cherish it more?  I felt that.  I remember the last moment I had with each of my parents and I run over them in my mind often.  I got to say what I wanted to and needed to say to each one of them---how blessed am I.  I thought that would make them being gone easier----it does not.

In the next few months my entire world will be changed yet again.  For the first time I do not know what is next.  I don't know what it looks like.  I just know that it will be ok.  Because it always is, isn't it? But it just doesn't seem like enough anymore.  I need more.  I need some of my old spark and zest back.  I need some joy.  I need companionship.   I need more than mere existence.  Because I'm tired of it just being a day in the life.  I want more life in my days.

Happy Anniversary! Its not the pale moon that excites me, thrills and delights me.....it's just the nearness of you! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY IN HEAVEN!

February 21, 1954

Happy Anniversary mommy and daddy!  68 years and you are able to celebrate together again.  It brings me such joy to know that.  You are both so missed, every single day.  I feel even safer and more at ease knowing you are both up there watching over us all.  I have told my children numerous times in the last nearly 2 months - I am not worried.  Yaya AND Poppa have it.  Just like when I was little.  

I want to thank you both once again, for being my foundation.  I am fortunate enough to have my children thanking me for the same things I have thanked you for over the years.  As you know, I did my best to instill the sense of family in them that you instilled in me.  I wanted them to feel safe and to know I would always have their backs like you always had ours.  I want to thank you for giving me that foundation.  Growing up I never worried about anything.  I knew you would always take care of anything and everything.  I miss that feeling on the physical level.  

It's funny, when we were planning Daddy's memorial I wanted everything the same as we did for yours mommy.  My siblings had to say, many times, "they are not one person". 

Ummm in my mind you were.  You were a unit.  I know (because as an adult my relationship with both of you was very different) that you were not always in perfect unison (that was a tough pill to swallow---my parents?  human?  the travesty! 😉)  However, I know how important it was to you both to have everything equal.  I guess that is where I got my obsession with fairness.  

When Daddy passed, my oldest child saw you both up there dancing.  He asked me if you guys used to dance.  Wow.  It was sad to me that he never got to see those days!  When you danced together it was magic.  DTM and Lu have had similar signs.  I know in my heart of hearts that you are both just so happy to be together again.  But I am not going to deny, it sucks.  Daddy I hear you SO clearly it is as if you are still here.  But you need to let mommy talk too you know, she had the floor for nearly 7 years and she's back to letting you take the wheel.💞  I still need to hear her too.

I know I have done many things that were hard for you to accept and understand---yet you never made me feel judged or like I disappointed you.  I remember when I said I was moving to Arizona, mommy said "Over my dead body!" and  I said "you don't live here, sorry you don't get a say".  And that

was the last I heard of it.  I am sure watching me make mistakes and decisions that you did not approve of were really difficult, yet you never made me feel unsupported.  Thank you for that.  I know first hand how difficult it is but you gave me an example to follow.  DTM called me the other day and needed me immediately.  I dropped everything and ran over (this is a rare occurrence, he is quite fiercely independent).  On the way home, after I took a breath I remembered calling you in Florida at 6 am from Long Island because I found a mouse half dead next to my stereo and I didn't know what to do. 😏  You responded "Tina, I'm 1300 miles away what do you want me to do?  Put a can over it until the landlord comes over"  I was so upset at the time.  It was the first time you could not fix it for me.  Looking back I realize it was probably hard on you as well.  

You two certainly were an amazing blueprint for what a marriage should be.  You never stopped holding hands.  You were there for one another first and foremost.  Nothing came above your marriage.  The sacrifices you made, I am sure, were not easy but you made them without anger, or resentment.  And now?  Now you rest in peace, and love....together (as it should be) for eternity.

Happy Anniversary mommy and daddy!  Salud!  Appletinis, Manhattans and shrimp cocktail for everyone!  I love you both----thank you for being the best there was!!!!  My God, how I miss you xoxoxoxo💔

it was NOT just a day in the life.  It is a day that began an amazing love story!

 

 

When you're weary....feeling small, when tears are in your eyes---I'll dry them all

 It is 7 years ago that I lost my mom.  I handled it much better than I have losing my dad.  It is not because I loved her less.  It is because when she passed I was worried about my dad.  I had intense things going on in my immediate family and God distracted me, I believe.  I thought I was a warrior.  Look at me.  Look how strong I am.  These people that are overcome with grief are weak.  Death is part of life.  Just move on.  To any that I thought that about, I apologize.  I did not understand.  I thought that because I did not see my mother all the time and hadn't in 30 years that it was easier for me.  I tricked myself into thinking that was it---I was used to not speaking/seeing my mother every day so I adjusted "so well".  Plus, I was still a bit upset with my mother when she passed, truth be told.  But in the years following her passing I would lose it at times, the grief would hit me like a sledgehammer out of the blue.  I was angry at myself---what is WRONG with you?  You are NOT weak!  You are NOT about this falling on the floor wracked with sobs that your son had to hold you and console you like a child!!  You are better than this!

Fast forward to losing my dad.  I STILL cannot think, type, speak it without the tears flowing.  It has been nearly 2 months and the pain is as fresh as the moment it happened.  I could not sleep the other night and I went on instagram and watched a video of my dad doing sega sega with my great niece.  I literally could not breathe. When my dad passed I said to my brother sobbing, "we're orphans" he replied swiftly- "we are NOT orphans!  we have each other." 💖.  I will never see my parents again.  Never. Well, I mean I will when I meet them in heaven (which pisses me off when people say that---"yes you will, you'll see them"---DUH!  Look who you're talking to!  I KNOW THAT!   I speak to them daily...I feel them and I see them.  It isn't the same!  I want them HERE!  I want them to see my daughter graduate...I want them to watch their great grandchildren grow...and be born....I want them at weddings and parties.  I want them to be here to hug me and bake with me and laugh with me.  I want them to guide my children with their wisdom.  I want them to tell me stories about their lives growing up. I want my dad to help me hang pictures on the wall, and let me bring him his lunch and a cup of tea to his favorite chair.   I want my mom to make me a grilled cheese sandwich, or a banana sandwich or better yet a tomato sandwich (with the perfect amount of mayo and salt!) and call me Harriet! I want to see the way my mom would look at me, like I was the most amazing human being alive.  She did that you know....not when I was little, but when I was grown.  She admired me so much.....I miss that.  Having someone look at me with such love.  

Some days it is easy to pretend they are still here.  Like I said, I did not see or speak to them every day.  But then I realize they aren't and the wave hits me.  What I have learned is that some people treat you like you have a disease when you're grieving.  They avoid you.  They can't deal with the pain that is so raw in your eyes.  I get it.  Most people are not used to me being in a low energy place like this for long periods of time.  Oh well.  Sorry not sorry.  I cannot help it.  If I could, I would.  No one wants to feel like this. 

My children....my children...they have been incredible during this whole process.  My sons check on me daily (well....we normally check in with each other daily anyway, but I have been not myself-so it is different), my daughter is fiercely protective of me.  She insists on helping me set boundaries and to make sure I take care of myself.  I was a good daughter, but my children?  Make me look like the worst.  They are far more than any parent deserves.

So, it is in this time of mourning and grief that you realize---you realize who is truly there for you.  My family is very private in our grief.   We did not plaster it all over social media...we didn't send out huge announcements.  Not that there is ANYTHING wrong with those who do, this is just how we deal with things.  So, the people that were told about my dad were important to us.  They were important to him.  So, imagine my surprise when there were so many that did not even reach out to say a simple "I'm sorry".  I know it's difficult to know the right thing to say in a time of grief and sorrow....but a simple I'm sorry is truly enough.  My cousin (who I do not speak to often) sent me the most beautiful, heartfelt message--so touching.  My other cousin in Vegas who was dealing with his beloved wife losing her battle with cancer at the time called and left me a heartfelt voicemail that brought me to tears....These are the messages and the people that I will treasure.  To say I am in shock about those who never even reached out to say "I'm sorry" is an understatement.  I do not think I will be able to get over that.  Grief is a strange thing.  It makes you different.  My reality is forever changed.   I am a forgiving person.  I have gone through a lot in my life that I have not shared with a lot of people.  So--I never expected people to know when I was at a low point or in pain because people aren't mind readers. However---knowing and not even attempting to console someone?  Speaks volumes about people's character in my opinion.

There are people that were there when my younger son had cancer that got a free pass for a lot of things because "oh they were so good when DTM had cancer though!"....when I got divorced it was not this tragic situation so no one needed to console or "be there" for me---however there were and are people that treated me like I had the plague because I got divorced!---I ignored it and got over it.  But this?  I don't think I will get over it.   I do not normally hold grudges.  I have forgiven people for far more. So, if you know me, and you see me, and I treat you differently?  Think about how you behaved when I lost my daddy---you might find your answer there.  Because...this....is not just a day in the life.

Conceal don't feel...Don't let them know---NO! Let it go!

 

Just this morning I had 3 separate conversations with 3 people I love very very much.  It hurt my heart.  These people are not ideally at the weight they would like to be at.  I have been there.  These people avoid photos...and maybe mirrors....and they wonder what other people think when they see them.  I have been there.  I have struggled with weight most of...no, ALL of my life.  I would have the best time at a party, or a dinner or just being and then I would see a photo of me and my entire mood would change.  THAT is what I look like?  Ugh.  I thought I looked good today! I tried every diet under the sun.  I would beat myself up for not being able to stick to anything. 

 I remember, I would get within 10 pounds of my goal weight and panic because OMG I have to do this forever???? And I would ultimately sabotage myself.  I reached my goal weight in 1990 probably.  I remember a particular wedding that I felt really good at.  I was wearing a size 7 and felt like a million bucks.  My now ex sister in law said to me "You are like an entirely different person when you feel good about yourself!  You are so much more fun!"  I remember being insulted (truth be told no matter what she said to me at that time I would have been insulted---I was in denial) and thinking NO!  That's not true.  (Was 1000 percent true!  And if I could I would thank her for that, because it stuck in my head and ultimately helped me connect the dots to my inner issues) .

 I kept that weight off until I got pregnant with my first blessing in 1993.  I gained 75 lbs. with that pregnancy.  But I felt beautiful, every minute.  I was creating another human being and I was glowing.  Fast forward to 2021 and I finally lost the remainder of that 75 lbs.  27 years and 2 more babies and I kept that extra 25 lbs. on my body.  Some years it bothered me, some years not so much.  In 2011 I began a journey to self love.  I began to realize it did not matter how anyone else saw me.  What mattered was how I saw myself.  

While I began to explore the reasons why I didn't fully accept myself for who I was a miraculous thing happened.  The weight came off.  I did nothing differently.  In fact, when I did diet/exercise nothing happened.  I could not even lose weight using the methods that have worked in the past.  I won't name them here, but they are ALL famous and they do work if you work them.  Not this time.  This 25 lbs would not budge.  In fact,  I gained another 10 at times. I was DETERMINED to be thin at my sons wedding in 2018---I was not.   I think I lost 10 lbs. during that year but it wasn't because I was trying----it was because I was diving deeply into ME.  Into what made me tick.  Why was I codependent? Why did no one ever put me first?  Why did I care how people perceived me?  Why did I need people to acknowledge that I had changed?  Why couldn't I accept that I was different and "weird"  and a "wacko" (that last one was my dad's favorite description of me.  No, he was not mean, or horrible.  He didn't understand this spiritual life changing journey I was on.) A lot of people couldn't and still can't. And that was ok, because God brought me people who could.  

In 2013 I started really opening up about the spiritual journey I was on.  I could hear the whispers behind my back.  I did not let it stop me.  Was it hard?  Ummmm damn straight.  I would see my family and know they thought I was-whatever they thought I was.  I stopped caring.  I love my family with all my heart but I am different.  I homeschooled my kids---I got divorced-----I moved across the country--- I am the black sheep, rebel in my family.  Do they love me?  Of course they do.  But I don't think they understand me.  And that is okay!  I let go of needing anyone to "get" me....or accept me....and as I did that----the scale numbers went down.  I accept me....I get me....and that is all that matters!  For me AND for you!  

I realized that our cells hold onto emotions.  I remember in 2011 I had a distance healing with this amazing woman in Ireland.  She told me certain pains in your body were a result of past trauma and wounds.  I had this persistent pain in my left hip (I did not tell her this) and she told me that a past betrayal (she described it and the year it happened in detail) was being stored in my hip.  As I released it---that pain disappeared and has not (knock on wood) returned.  This was miraculous to me!  It made me realize how amazing the human body is.  Also weight sometimes protects you.  If you don't feel good about yourself, sometimes you avoid certain situations and those situations could be detrimental to you.  It was funny, because a lot of people say that their partners make them feel horrible when they are overweight.  They say cruel things, threaten to cheat---horrible, awful things.  I remember hearing them in the meetings I would go to for one of the programs I was on.  I remember saying - I would get bigger if my partner did that to me!  AHHHH I was onto something---some people would stay overweight as a method of control.  That weight was protecting them by making them realize that their partner was an ASSHOLE!  They needed to figure that out so they could change their lives.  My ex would try to sabotage my diets.  I think he was nervous that I would lose the weight and leave.  He never made me feel ugly or like something was wrong with me.  But I think that weight protected me from leaving before it was time.  And it's all about timing----Divine timing, not ours.  

It is also a process....this journey of self love.  Sometimes, we meet someone who makes us see ourselves in a way we have not before. They love us unconditionally and see our soul.  And when we see ourselves through their eyes we realize that is the person we want to be.  Sometimes that person is ourselves --- every journey is different.  But the most important thing to realize is WHO we are is SO much more than what we LOOK like.  The world has gone absolutely crazy with plastic surgery and botox and lift this and tuck this.  For the love of GOD do you not think God made you perfectly?!?!?!?

At the end of the day, the only person who is inside of your head is YOU.  And if YOU are not accepting and loving yourself EXACTLY as you are---then who is going to?  Learn to love the person and the body looking back at you in the mirror RIGHT now----as is....and watch everything in your world change!  After all, it is just a day in the life----- 

You're the end of the rainbow...my pot of gold, you're daddy's little girl to have and to hold

 

I lost my father on December 23rd, 2021.  We laid him to rest this past weekend.  I can type those words over and over again and they will never seem real.  My father was 91 years old.  Praise God he was a healthy man who did not stop working until January of his last year. He lived a good life.  He touched many lives.  He lit up a room. His love for my mother was immeasurable. These were all things that were said about him in the last few weeks since his passing.  They are all true. But what struck me most this past weekend was the legacy he leaves behind in his grandchildren.  There are seven of them.  Anthony, Jessica, Richie, Katey, Danny, Nicholas and Emily.  Those 7 human beings---they represent how my father will be immortalized.  And what an INCREDIBLE legacy that is.

In the beginning of October we got the news that my dad had a mass on his pancreas.  My brother and sister and I had a phone call about how to best present the news to my dad.  My brother was the one to have the conversation and my dad chose to not have any further testing or treatment.  We accepted his decision.  He was planning to spend a few months up north for the holidays anyway, so we moved up the date.  You know what?  I am going to spare you the details of the next 3 months and just discuss my daddy and the reason we are ALL so destroyed by his passing, even though clearly this news had us all knowing the outcome and that it would most likely be swift.

Growing up, my dad was not a warm, fuzzy man.  He didn't allow us to be weak or tolerate anything but our best.  If I received a B on a test he wanted to know why it wasn't an A.  He knew my potential and would not accept anything less.  I did not resent it, I embraced it.  I always wanted my dad to be proud of me.  During the luncheon following his memorial this weekend we were discussing how we were disciplined as children.  Of course most of the males in attendance remember having the belt used on them - my brother included.  Someone asked me if I was ever hit/spanked.  I said no.  (that's a lie, he spanked me once and my mother ended that immediately lol)  My brother in law scoffed at that - oh that's right you were perfect!  Not in the slightest.  However, the thought of disappointing my father kept me from disrespecting him or doing anything that would cause that reaction from him.  I often wonder why and how he had that "power" over me.  He earned it.  

On Christmas day (2 days after his passing) I had an uncontrollable melt down while getting ready to go to Christmas dinner.  I said to myself, I cannot do this.  I am not going, surely they will understand?!  I heard my dad say "You are going!  You made a commitment and you will stick to it!"   I went.  I told my son what happened he chuckled and said "That's EXACTLY what Pop would have said!" 

 His demeanor and his presence had such an impact on his grandchildren.  The 7 of them have (as my siblings and I do) a work ethic that is bar none.  While I made the trip to Long Island this weekend to lay him to rest I was quite simply a mess.  I have cried more in the past 3 months than I think I have in the last 15 years.  The grief hits me like a sledgehammer.  I have been shopping and tears just silently flow down my face.  I have been driving and had to pull over because the sobs overcome me.  I was convinced that after this weekend I would have some sort of "closure" and it would lessen---not the case.  My children have been feeling the same.  My oldest and youngest do not always show their emotions but the amount of tears I have watched them shed for their Poppa are immeasurable.  I knew my cream filling son was going to take it hard.  He was the closest to my dad.  He has been calling him since he was 8 years old on his own.  He would take trips down to see him and spend weekends there.  I was expecting this to be hard on him, but I don't think I expected it to hit the other two this hard. But it shows the impact both of my parents had on their lives.

I am not going to lie, I do not even really know how they reacted during the Mass honoring his life, because I was trying not to scream out with the utter anguish that was inside of me.  My middlest said last night that he looked over and kept seeing me shaking my head violently on my lap.  Because I kept saying NO!  I will NOT accept THIS!  He's not gone.  And that was the only way I could stop myself from screaming it.

My Godson, the oldest grandchild, gave a beautiful, emotional Eulogy for my dad.  My cream filling son gave the first reading, my brother's oldest daughter did the second, my sister's son and brother's youngest daughter did the last one.  All 7 of them walked up together and presented the gifts to the priest.  That was the most beautiful tribute to their grandparents ever.  I will hold that vision in my head for the rest of my days.  That is what my father wanted.  That is what he preached to us our whole lives---Family First!  And my sister, brother and I have done him proud with the way we have raised our children.  He did not always agree with our parenting styles --- but the end product was the same.  7 INCREDIBLE, respectful, loving, hard working, intelligent, good looking (if I do say so myself 😉 individuals.

My daughter is devastated that she is the only one he will not see graduate.  But she is carrying on his legacy by going to cosmetology  school (my dad was a barber).  He commented often that he was so happy and so proud that someone was going to carry on that tradition and legacy.  And I know he and my mom will be there as she turns her tassel in May.  Maybe not in a seat like the others, but in all of our hearts and in spirit.

What struck me so hard is that I will never again hear him say "I'm proud of you Angel"....I cannot breathe at the thought of it.  He did not say that a lot when I was a child, but he made up for it once I became a mother.  He often told me how much he admired the type of mother I was.  Then when I rejoined the workforce at nearly 50 years old he would tell me all the time how proud he was of me.  He was the only person in my life that I KNEW would be there for me 24/7/365 and he is gone.  He's gone......how on earth will I survive the rest of my life without him?  I do not know.  But I know I will, because he raised me to be that way.  And he raised me to never give up and never say never.  I will continue to do my very best to live up the standards he set for me....and my last words to him (in person) were "Thank you for being my daddy, I love you"----how lucky am I that I got to tell him that?  How lucky am I that I had a dad that left such a hole in the lives of those who loved him.....  

Very lucky indeed.....Arrivederci poppa----give mommy a big hug and now both of you will keep us safe and watched over.  I love you.   Thanks for being my daddy 💓