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To say I am emotional today would be an understatement. I woke up filled with nervousness....not sure why. I am not a nervous person at all. I cannot shake it. I did have a strange, unsettling dream but usually by now I can just let it go. But now I have something else that is adding to my emotions, something that I don't think I will ever fully be able to shake.
I am not sure how to word this, or if I should even ever post it. But I need to get it down on "paper" and instead of a journal my angels are guiding me to put it out there---maybe it can help someone else? No clue. But here goes....
I was on the phone this morning and listening to someone talk about his daughter. He said how even though she is married and pregnant with twins, she is still his baby and he needs to take care of her. He has a son as well and he proceeded to compare the different relationships and said "there is something about a daughter"....don't I know that. He then said, I hope you had that....with your dad. I fought back the tears and said "I sure did." My dad was my hero. He took care of me until the day he died....damn he is still taking care of me. How fucking lucky am I? To have had this man take care of me my entire life. That he has left a hole in my heart, my life and the lives of my siblings and children that can never be filled. Did he set me up to realize that no one could ever fill his shoes? Maybe. But still....how blessed I am that I had that safe feeling my whole life, always knowing that if I needed him---he was there.
But.....that made me think of my daughter. And that's when the tears truly fall. She does not have that....nor do my sons, but it is different for boys-they have their own things they have realized due to their relationship with their father, and maybe that is for another post. But for now...it is my daughter that concerns me. Now, not to pat myself on the back, but all 3 of my children always know that I am there for them...that I will always do whatever needs to be done for them. I know this. But I had 2 parents that did that. My daughter will never know what it is like to have a daddy like mine. She has absolutely no relationship with her ....I am not going to use the phrase she uses to describe my ex husband. She has not wanted one since she was 10 years old. Hell, she never wanted one after the divorce, but I encouraged it so that maybe one day I would not be feeling this way. But after several times of me ---well---forcing her to have some type of relationship with him and her being shown over and over again that her feelings are valid--I let it go. She is 18 now, she makes those decisions herself and now she has literally cut off all communication with him. And she is happy. She is the most well adjusted 18 year old I have ever met, truth be told. So maybe it is ok....maybe she will never realize what she missed out on. Lord knows every one of her friends does not have the type of relationship with their dad that I did, so maybe I was just truly THAT lucky. I don't know.
I just feel like she deserves the world. She has truly been the most perfect child since birth. She is the epitome of what I would want in a daughter. When people call her my mini me (which seems to happen lately EVERY time we are out together--it is really trippy lately) she beams with pride and I think---dear God, does she even realize that I am the one that is just so honored to be her mom? For people to compare her to me? She is just that fabulous! She is strong and kind and funny and smart---and yet the other person who has a genetic connection to her cannot appreciate it at all. In his defense (if I had a dollar for EVERY time I have said that in the last 33 years I would be rich) he is incapable of doing any better than he has. Some people just are incapable of any more. And it is his loss for sure---
But what if some day she realizes that she didn't have it? And it hurts her deeply? How will I fix that? How will I not blame myself somehow for not making it right? I am not sure I will. I just pray that God continues to guide her and let her just always know that she has exactly what she needs. Because she deserves absolutely everything---and I will do whatever it takes to make sure she has that.
Because it shouldn't be just a day in the life.....not for my baby girl
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