Everything I knew but I didn't know

 

It's the last Monday of 2020.  Some are saying Thank God it's almost over.  I say Thank God it happened.  Thank God that I had these 365 trips around the sun.  I learned a few years back not to evaluate my life by the numbers on the calendar.  Every year has challenges and blessings.  Some have more of one than the other.  For those who are so over the top disgusted with 2020 because of the changes in their lifestyle I say, you are a lucky person.  When I look back on "bad" years it was because horrible, terrible things were happening in my life.  Not because I can't go out to eat with my friends or find toilet paper.  It is all about choices and viewpoint.  I am choosing to bless 2020 and thank it for the things it taught me and the happiness it brought.

2020 started with my oldest son in a very bad place. If you had told me then that by the end of it he would be where he is I am not sure I would have believed you.  For that alone 2020 will be a year I would relive gladly to get to where we are today.  

Later in January we were blessed with my great niece being born.  She is a light in this world that God knew we needed.  Her mere presence in the world makes it a better place.  She has not had an easy start---allergies, eczema so severe she has to work like Houdini to scratch the itch, and coming into the world when everything has been on lockdown for most of her first year.  Yet, Miss Lyla is a fighter.  That little girl is going to change the world just by being in it.  2020 will always remind me of the blessing she is.

We had cancelled trips a plenty, fear of losing jobs, shocking deaths (not Covid related), prom cancelled, graduations cancelled, Weddings cancelled just like everyone else.  Is it difficult?  Of course, but really?  In the grand scheme of life those are things people experience all the time.  I am choosing to look at the blessings.

My Godson graduated college to go on to his Masters program, it didn't look like he thought it would but someday he'll look back and realize he's not alone and a lot of people will have some crazy stories of quarantined graduations.  It makes us have to work a little harder to make moments like this special.

My dad celebrated his 90th birthday.  I was lucky enough to be able to spend it with him but I know it's not what anyone expected or wanted.  But the important thing is that we have been blessed to have him celebrate his 90th birthday.  That is a gift denied to many.

My son turned 22 and although the cruise he had planned was cancelled they made the best of it and took a weekend away at the beach where they got married in 2018. My daughter and I were lucky enough to spend his birthday with him on the beach and if he had been on the cruise it would have been the first birthday we didn't get to see each other.  See how I turned that around? 😎

My daughter's junior year is not looking like she thought it would but she's finally being "homeschooled" like her brother's were and she's realizing it's not too bad to do school from her pajamas.

We finally took a trip to NY to meet my beautiful great niece and were lucky enough to be there when my niece Katey got engaged!  How lucky was THAT!  She was supposed to be in San Diego that week and the proposal would have happened there.  Thank you 2020 for allowing me to be part of that amazing moment in her life.  Had there been no pandemic that would never have happened.

We got to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas together as a family and also with my daughter in laws family which was such a huge blessing and so much fun! We have gotten so close and it is truly a joy that 2020 has given us this time.

My son and his beautiful wife bought their first home.  It is being built as we speak.  Because of that they have been staying with me on and off and we are lucky enough to have the beauty of my son's "last Christmas at home" for probably the third time 😉.

My daughter in law finished her college classes.  She will be graduating in May.  Such a huge accomplishment and I'm so proud of her!  

Thank you 2020, for these and many other blessings that I can't write about.  Thank you for the lessons and the changes and the growth that you've brought.  Here's to another 365 trips around the sun with the ones I love, because after all----it is just a day in the life.

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy....caught in a landslide, no escape from reality

Well, life here in Florida is starting to return to "normal".  By normal I mean everything is opening back up.  However, if this is "normal"  I'd like my money back.  This cannot be the future of this world, please God.  This week was truly horrific.  Thankfully nothing permanent but a week of really brutal energy.  My oldest son informed me yesterday that like 5 planets were in Gemini and coupled with the new moon I am hoping that is it, because I really want a redo.

Monday I was at the car dealership getting an oil change and yes, I am one of those people that doesn't wear a mask unless I am forced to.  The employees weren't wearing them so I felt that I could go without one as well.  Half of the customers had them on, a few had gloves as well (LOSE THE GLOVES PEOPLE!  THEY DON'T HELP!).  I sat in my chair and observed the looks on everyone's faces.  I felt like I was in a war zone.  No one speaks, everyone is on edge, it's just ugly.  I observed two co-workers and an awkward exchange because the man was trying to keep his distance and the woman kept touching his shoulder and he was trying to back away.  It was difficult to watch and to realize---is THIS the new normal?  When I went to open the door anywhere I used a paper towel and disinfected my hands.  I have never thought about germs in my life.  Except when my middle son was sick as a newborn and then when he had cancer but truly that's it.  Now I have a bottle of hand sanitizer in my purse along with a mask and paper towels.

I went to get a much needed pedicure and was told I needed a mask and to sanitize my hands before entering and there was a thermometer there on the counter if I wanted to check my temperature.  Wow.  There were plexi glass barriers everywhere, they raised their prices (to cover these costs I'm sure) and I sat there thinking---this CANNOT be the new normal.  They had meditation type music playing instead of the TV on and I couldn't help but feel like I just wanted to cry.  It seemed like we were all adversaries instead of neighbors.  Everyone had fear or frustration or suspicion in their eyes.  Really?  Would this ever go away?

I am really trying to not stick my head in the sand but honestly?  How long can this go on?  And keeping a mask on when getting a pedicure but being in a restaurant without one (obviously) what's the point?  I'm an all or nothing kind of person.  I just don't think it makes sense.  Yes, I'm being cautious, taking steps I would normally not take, but wearing a mask forever whenever I'm in public?  Teachers wearing masks while teaching, students while learning?  How is this even going to work?  My heart breaks for these young children growing up with this. 

I had to order toilet paper and paper towels for my company and still my normal orders aren't available.  So I am forced to order more expensive items just so that we have them because we are allowed to open up again.  Our business is having to change so many things to stay up to code.  It's a full time job just keeping up with all the requirements. 

I am a hugger.  One of my love languages is touch.  I went for months without hugging my sons---hell no.  Not anymore.  And I hold onto them tighter and tighter every time I see them, and they hold on right back.  At the beginning of the week my daughter had to hand in her cheer uniform.  They had lines of cars, the seniors were picking up their cap and gowns and lawn signs and yearbooks and the uniforms were being given back.  Some of the kids stayed in their cars and waited for someone to approach them.  Finally I told my daughter to just go bring her uniform into the gym.  Well, her coach said "No way I'm not giving you a hug!  Sorry." My daughter wouldn't have left without one either.  Her friend was waving from afar and told Em that she wanted to come and hug us so badly but her mom told her she'd be punished if she went near anyone.  That broke my heart.  I'm not judging her mom, I get it!  Everyone has to do what is right for them.  But to me?  A life like that isn't worth protecting or living.  Yesterday my daughter and I got together with some friends and it was so awkward greeting them.  But my daughter and her friend just hugged each other so tightly and that broke the ice and then there were hugs all around and the atmosphere relaxed.

I am a firm believer in not living in fear.  I also feel if you think you're going to get sick, you will.  I am not judging anyone for doing what they feel is best for them and their families, but I ask that I am not judged either.  I put my faith and trust in God, as I do every day and I want to live my life.  Because after all, isn't that why everyone is avoiding this disease?  So that they can live?  If I can't hug and kiss and touch the people that I love then what's the point?  Just sayin'.  Isn't it just a day in the life?

What Other people think of you is none of your business.....

I have very few people that I consider close to me.  That's by choice.  I have a lot of people who think they know the real me and think they know me well.  They would be mistaken!  Those who are close to me know everything about me, I don't hold back, I don't hide anything I don't censor myself.  They know who they are.  As for everyone else?  It's on a need to know basis.  Weird, though because now I'm sharing my innermost, deepest thoughts and feelings with whoever happens to find my blog.  That's ok.  What other people think of me is none of my business!

For most of my life I was concerned with people's perception of me.  I had a voice in my head (usually my parents) that told me what was acceptable, what I should do, how I should feel....based on those rules of society and what other people thought was right.  Being married to my ex husband for 23 years and dealing with his family (who never approved or liked me no matter WHAT I did)  really messed with my head for most of my adult life.  I was used to having people around me that liked me, who thought I was pretty great.  Not them....I was Satan in their eyes.  Everything I did or said or felt was somehow wrong and didn't fit into the mold they wanted me to fit into.  I used to get physically sick (yes, throwing up!) before a family event because I would feel so awful and sad being around them. Then, I had my son.  My whole life changed after I became a mom.  I didn't allow anyone's feelings to influence what I thought was best for him.  "Oh, all he wants is you!"   "You're gonna make him a mama's boy!"   "Why won't he go to anyone else?"  "It's not healthy."  and my all time favorite "Let him cry, it will strengthen his lungs."  What the HELL, did they even hear themselves???  I didn't listen to any of it....well that's a lie, I listened and still did what I thought was best, but I used to let it eat away at me.  Oh they don't approve, oh they're talking about me behind my back, they think I'm a bad mom....It upset me, but I didn't allow it to change my actions.  As time went on I let it affect me less and less.  By the time my daughter was born nearly 10 years later I was immune to their insults and their disapproval.  Then I moved across the country and I never had to deal with it again.  I credit my in laws for helping me become the person I am today.  The me who does what I feel is right and doesn't justify it to anyone else.  I like her way better than the 20 something year old girl throwing up and crying before going to a party.

The reason I chose this topic to write about today is because I've come to realize that the people around me that are unhappy or frustrated or sad are all allowing those beliefs to take up occupancy and control in their lives.  It's so hard to allow all the good things to flow into your life when your thoughts are full of shoulds and coulds and don'ts.  I used to make myself crazy with guilt or lists going through my head whenever I would sit down to relax, or read or just ENJOY life.  "Oh, I should be doing dishes, or laundry"  or " Nancy invited me to go to the zoo and I really don't want to, but I don't have any reason not to go, so I guess I will just go. "  And then spend the day at the zoo pissed off because I didn't really want to BE there!  C'mon, how often does that happen to you?  Also, New Years Eve---I hate New Years Eve because every year I felt like I should be doing this or that or the other thing, when in actuality I would love to have just gone to sleep like any other night---too much pressure and let down after it isn't as perfect as you pictured it to be.  It's JUST another night for cryin' out loud! My dream for New Years eve is to one year spend it in Disneyland, other than that I couldn't care less.  What about all these video proposals?  Seriously? Why do you need a million people around you on the single most intimate moment in your relationship to date?  No thank you.  Why does everyone feel they have to prove to the world that they have a perfect life?  If it was so perfect you'd be out living it and not documenting it on face book and you tube and twitter!!!! How can you allow yourself to just be who you are and not live up to someone else's expectations?   The answer----LET IT GO!  Allow yourself to be who YOU want to be!!!!  Don't let anyone else influence that.   The people that truly love you, will love you no matter what.  You have no one to impress.  In my opinion, my life is a show that has to impress only two...me and God.  What everyone else thinks of me is none of my business xoxo